Interview with a Wanker
Exclusive interview with Broken Springs’s most infamous copper, Dan Shame.
NFBS: Good morning.
DS: Howdy Partner.
NFBS: First of all, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
DS: No problemo. The more I talk to the little people of Broken Springs, the more I’m respected on the street.
NFBS: Little people? Do you mean midgets?
NFBS: People about the same size as you?
DS: I meant ordinary townsfolk.
NFBS: That brings us to the first question. Is there a correlation to your short stature and the fact that 98.5% of the Broken Springs population considers you an absolute prick?
DS: Quite the contrary. My dedication as a police officer roots from my childhood. When I grew up I never received a ticket no matter how hard I tried. All my friends had at least one, sometimes two or three to their names. But the closest I ever came was when I was caught doing doughnuts in the school parking lot. Unfortunately I was with the Chief’s son at the time so I didn’t receive that ticket for reckless driving that I had my heart set on. So when I went into law enforcement, after a failed venture with the DNR, I made it my life’s mission to make sure everyone who wants a ticket gets one. That’s my gift to Broken Springs.
NFBS: Why, aren’t you generous? Do you ever bend the rules for people?
DS: Oh, all the time, but don’t tell my boss. (Laughing) Once I ticketed someone for driving without a coat on in the middle of December. Another time, a young girl wanted a ticket so bad I had to console her in the backseat of the squad car. She touched me so much, I ended up giving her two tickets: One for failing to use a turn signal and the other for fleeing and eluding a police officer as I chased her around the police car and attempted to restrain her.
NFBS: Do you ever think maybe that the people of BS don’t want your tickets, that maybe they just want to be left alone?
DS: Don’t be silly. It’s an honor to be ticketed by the best. They should thank me like the nice young lady I needed to cuff to the car door. She had tears of joy in her eyes by the time I was through with her.
NFBS: I see. What a lucky young woman. You have often been seen driving recklessly through town in your own personal vehicle. How do you respond?
DS: That’s not me. That’s my twin brother, Stan Shame. He’s also a raging alcoholic with a blow problem. I can’t be held responsible for his actions.
NFBS: But you’re listed in the 2005 Census as being an only son.
DS: It’s a long story that involved my brother faking his own death back in ‘93 over some overdue library books. We never have been able to convince the government that he survived jumping from that 3rd story library window. It ain’t all bad. He hasn’t had to pay taxes for the past 12 years.
NFBS: You recently were hired to oversee the enforcement of the litter and debris ordinances in the Village of Broken Springs and Broken Township. Are you looking forward to those extra responsibilities?
DS: Very much so. It’s time to clean up Broken Springs.
NFBS: Will you be a strict enforcer of the ordinances, then?
DS: The strictest Broken Springs has ever had. Watch out blighters. There’s a new Sheriff in town. And his name is Daniel Shame.
NFBS: Critics say you’re not qualified for the job. Your response to them?
DS: Nonsense. There’s no one in Broken Springs who knows trash more than I do.
NFBS: We can’t argue with that.
DS: I also know all the tricks of the trade. For example, the first thing I’ll watch for is people letting their grass grow to conceal unlicensed cars in their yards. Also, unless you’re Dale Earnhardt Jr., there’s no need to have hundreds of old tires sitting around, full of rain water collecting mosquito eggs.
NFBS: You’re referring to Merle Axwell, we assume?
DS: The one and only. He obviously has no pride in Broken Springs.
NFBS: But our sources tell us that your own grass often grows long before you mow it and the constant renovations to your house cause an eyesore. Isn’t that hypocritical?
DS: That’s different. I live in Niles.
NFBS: Thank you for granting us this interview, Mr. Shame.
DS: You’re welcome. I’ll send you the bill for my time.