Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Rapist on the Loose

There is a spectre among us. That spectre is a sexual pervert of the highest degree. Earlier this winter several residents of Broken Springs were victim to a rapist on the run. Police knew he was on the run because they could see his footprints sprinting away from the scenes of the crimes. But as the season progressed, the rapist escaped capture and continued to rampage our quaint village. Word spread of this menace and all winter long Broken Springs had a chill in its air. Broken Springs became a secluded village, isolated from the rest of the county, full of potential victims iced with fear.

The person terrorizing Broken Springs is a serial snowman rapist. This winter, he worked his way through the town, one snowperson at a time. He even taunted local law enforcement with letters to the media, signed “Frosty’s Lover,” with cryptic messages such as, “The Iceman Cometh, and the Iceman Cometh again and again.”

Early this morning, Broken Springs police attained their biggest clue in the future apprehension of this criminal menacing our streets. Chief Kingston was overheard in the donut shop over lunch bragging to a big busted employee that his department is very close to locking up the sexual pervert behind bars and throwing away the key. Actually he said he’d keep the key on his desk, right next to those Taser donations, but either way, it’s bound to get lost.

“It all started,” began the Chief in between bites of glaze and jelly, “when Jan Chaddwick told me her motion light on her back porch kept coming on in the middle of the night. Well, she always turns it off when I pay her nighttime visits, so I told her not to panic, that it was probably just the wind, or that man eating cougar we have prowling around the area.” According to Kingston, the following week she told him that her snowmen were toppled over so she requested an investigation, but Kingston was suspended that week and by the time he got back to work, all evidence of wrongdoing had melted away. Then two weeks later Bonii Didjaseedat made an official complaint about trespassers in her yard. “But there was no use investigating that either because all we would’ve found was our own footprints from a stake out to see what she and that gun nut husband of hers were up to,” explained away the Chief.

It wasn’t until Christmas Care Bear donator Chris Buzzcut found what he described as a “hole” in the buttocks of one of his snowmen when Kingston began to suspect foul play. Why Buzzcut was inspecting the buttocks of his snowman is anyone’s guess, but he insists that his curious kids found it first. After that, snowmen were being sodomized left and right. And up and down, and in a few other positions only Kama Sutra buffs know.

A snowman on the corner of Uranus and Carpenter streets was found disrobed and assaulted. Another was found in a church’s yard exasperated and gasping for air. In one brutal incident, a snowman was dismembered and anally violated with his own nose. Other assaults have occurred but it’s undetermined if the attacks on several local snow angels is the work of the same man.

Meticulous investigations followed each incident, including handwriting analysis that revealed the rapist to be “sensitive, yet secretive, with a fondness for taking long walks on a beach.” But the biggest clue came early this morning, no pun intended. Not only did the BSOT police discover a pair of freshly made boot prints nearby, but inside the snowman’s ‘glory hole’ they also recovered what Kingston calls, “a couple c*nt hairs worth of dead swimmers.”

These DNA samples, along with a further investigation on the boot prints will more than likely identify the man holding all of Broken Springs snow people hostage. Meanwhile the police have encouraged citizens to bring in their snowmen at night and be on the lookout for a suspicious looking man wearing size 11 boots and sporting a stiffy.

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