Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Potent and Impotent

Kudos to all the Broken Springs residents who hauled all their junk outside (or at least into their cluttered garages) this past weekend for the Village Wide Community Garage Sale. If not for them, I wouldn’t have found the following irreplaceable treasures…

An old scratchy 45 of Tiny Tim singing Tiptoe Through the Tulips. (For all the youngons out there, 45’s are mini records with glory holes in the middle.) Six bucks… can you say bargain, boys and girls?

An old deck of cards that supposedly was a prop in the Jesse James movie filmed in Broken Springs… a steal at $35. Who knew Jesse and the gang were a bit far sighted?

At a sale close to one of our many churches, I found this pink Christian relic. It’s about 5 inches long, smooth to the touch, and heavenly, wouldn‘t you say? The widow selling it said she used to keep it on the headboard of her bed and that it brought her closer to heaven on many blissful nights. I just wonder what the batteries are for. I splurged a bit and paid three dollars for this beauty.

Lastly, at a sale near the lake, I found a patriotic eagle tie with the words “In God We Trust” (all others pay cash). I don’t know what I’m gonna do with this tie but I couldn’t pass up a chance to take it off the street, thereby preventing it from being worn by another hopeless, fashionably unconscious victim. The price of my good deed was two dollars.

And now for something completely different...

If you think Lackland is a bad hospital, check out what this hospital in Grand Rapids did.
A couple sat by their daughter's hospital bedside for weeks after an auto accident until she came out of a coma and they realized she was not their daughter after all, but another blond-haired young woman injured in the wreck. Their own daughter, it turned out, was dead and buried.

From a few months back, A Battle Creek man charged with having sex with a sheep has been sentenced to prison. Jeffrey S. Haynes, 42, was sentenced to 30 months to 20 years in prison for sodomy.. Btw, the sheep later confided that as a lover, Haynes was “baaaaad.”

And nearby, in Goshen, even our ice cream truck drivers feel the need to tip a few. Ice Creamtini, anyone? In defense of the Midwest, the guy’s originally from Texas and we all know that in Texas, everything is bigger, including their BACs.

Who needs satire, anyway?

Let’s end on a laugh, shall we? A big thank you to reader Reverend Fletcher (Felcher. Whatever) who submitted this joke.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Until next time, downward, backward...

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