News from Broken Springs

HP Letter to the Editor

2012-01-12T23:03:00.000-08:00

I hope Rich Camacho doesn't quit his day job to go on the comedy circuit any time soon. His recent letter to the editor ("There's plenty dish about on the talk-show circuit," Jan. 6) was so full of groaners I've decided to expand on it. Not surprisingly, I found more laughs on the other side of the aisle.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has had his yearly health exam by an under-qualified, overpaid HMO and besides the usual "Cut back your daily alcohol intake to single digits," there's another issue he must deal with. His skin seems to be gradually changing in color to a hue best represented by the planet Mars. This disorder is not much unlike that which affected Michael Jackson, except Boehner can't do the moonwalk. Is it any wonder why Speaker Boehner opposed the new energy efficient light bulb legislation? Due to his incandescent complexion, he hasn't had to use a light bulb since 1973.

Mitch McConnell, Republican Senate minority leader, is in slightly better health than Boehner but still suffers from a contagious streak of obstructionism. These days it's easier for the Republicans to pass a kidney stone than a bill through Congress. I've seen so many incomplete passes, they ought to move the Capitol from Washington, D.C., to Lucas Oil Field in Indianapolis.

This obstructionism is likely due to a bad case of ITPS: Irritable Tea Party Syndrome. Symptoms may include a tendency to distort both U.S. history and the U.S. Constitution and a pesky compulsion to wear funny looking hats at political rallies.

It has been said that when President Calvin Coolidge died someone said, "How can you tell?" The same holds true for presidential candidate Ron Paul. I'm not saying the 76-year-old Texas representative is an old geezer, but if his belt moves any further north, he'll be in Oklahoma.

Our new Congressional Diet is similar to the Atkins Diet in that it's full of pork, and for best results needs to be accompanied with a strict exercise regiment. Unfortunately our Do Nothing Congress is still at the Couch Potato Phase, and the only way for it to lose inches off its budgetary waistline is to have its stomach stapled. And duct taped. And super glued.

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is no stranger to diets. He has been living for the past two decades on a strict diet of flapjacks and waffles. He has flipped-flopped so many times Jimmy Buffet is writing a song about him.

In all seriousness, politics can often be hilarious. But when it's as ineffective as it's been the past four years, the joke is really on all of us.

Highlights and lowlights from the Broken County Youth Fair 2011

2011-08-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

If you missed the fair this year, fret not, dear reader. Just remember back to last year, or the year before, and it was much of the same thing. Only this year all the kids were wearing strange Mohawk wigs in bright colors.

Either I am getting old and my taste buds are going, or the Enemies of Broken Springs have cheapened up on their Korn dog batter. The first four I ate were doughy and the next four were much better, but still not as good as I remember them from years past. If you’re in line for a Korn dog, your best bet is to buy something to eat while you wait in line. Because you know by the time you get your Korn dog, you’ll be hungry again. I wonder if they’ve ever thought of pulling their building further off the street so their long lines don’t block the traffic? Either that or just make Korn dogs faster! Can’t they have them mass imported from China or something? They’re already China Cheap, at $1.50 a dog.

The political booths were boring again this year, as it’s not an election year. The Demoncrats only had petitions to sign to recall Governor Snider and State Rep Al Psychola, not counting some goofy girl juggling jaw breakers and painting on bottle caps (that was me). The Republicon booth… er I mean building always seems so detached from the real people walking the street in front of them. I always want to yell something at them but I’m afraid they won’t be able to hear me from all the way back in the cavernous building. The closest I get to the GOP fair week is when I order an elephant ear. Tuesday night the Grand Ole Party closed up before ten o’clock which must be all those old farts bedtimes.

Speaking of Republicons, the circus was enjoyable, or so I hear. And the Country singer Luke Bryan sounded half way decent tonight. For a country singer, that is. Too bad all the fair has left to showcase is washed up Blue Collar Comedian Bill Engvall. Could be worse, though. Could be Larry the Cable Guy.

For the first time ever, I didn’t venture into the Commercial Buildings, which means one of several things: I won’t be winning a new patio. I missed out on getting a free plastic baby fetus made in China from the Pro-life nutters, and because I didn’t signup for any Broken County church mailing lists, my salvation is still very much in jeopardy. The only thing the commercial buildings had that I was remotely interested in were the History booths… the Courthouse Museum selling those wonderful books by Robert C. Myers, and the House of David booth with the old bearded man who never speaks. Oh, and the APA pool table, of course. But I knew if I started playing pool, I’d never want to quit. My offer to play for someone else’s fast rack tee shirt is again open for bids. Facebook me.

As always is the case at the Broken County Youth Fair, the goats stole the show. Here, one was trying to give me a kiss. Either that or he wanted to lick the elephant ear off my lips.

This one was trying to break into a black tool box to steal God only knows what. I think the goat’s name was Freddie Mac.

These two content faces just reminded me of Jim and Sherri, for some reason.

And this guy, chewing on a piece of straw just reminded me of Huck Finn.

But by far the cutest goat at all the fair was this 9 day old pygmy. He couldn’t have been much bigger than my Chihuahua, and for several brief moments I considered slipping him under my shirt and sneaking him right out of there. But that would’ve been baaaaahhhhhd. So I just let him stay there and look cute.

How Obama Has Failed Us by Killing Osama bin Laden

2011-05-02T15:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Editor,

How dare President Obama kill the #1 wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden! This wreckless behavior further illustrates Barack Hussein Obama’s utter disregard for America and our domestic problems. Need I remind everyone that gas here has skyrocketed to over $4 a gallon while the oil companies are claiming record profits and our nation’s unemployment rate is still 8.8%, which is nearly as high as it was when our last great President Ronald Reagan slept in the Oval Office. Killing the most wanted man on the face of the earth doesn’t make my gas any cheaper, my buddy Obama. Nor does it put any food on my family, as former President (and true Patriot) George W. Bush might say.

Why the liberal media is fawning over their favorite President since that Socialist FDR shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Obviously they love his because he’s black and he plays basketball. They don’t call it March Madness for nothing. Only now perhaps it should be renamed May Madness. But why the liberal US media ignores the obvious facts to anyone with half a brain is the real puzzle. Obama’s killing of Osama has put America in real jeopardy for further terror attacks. Terror experts have now warned us to brace for retaliatory attacks from Al Qaida. Hello? Tell me this doesn’t prove that Obama is the Anti-American Kenyan born Muslim Anti-Christ! Wake up America and smell the gasoline!

Sincerely,
Dick Commando

Snow: It's What's For Dinner !

2011-02-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

A slippery look at the advantages and disadvantages of snow, an amended Letter to the Editor which ran in last week’s Herald Republican…

Snow gets such a bad rap all the time. But have you ever considered its good qualities? Consider:

Snow covers garbage bins, and makes them look artistic. It also freezes them shut for months. That means no scavengers can get at your spoiled milk and used condoms. But there’s only so much room under your kitchen sink.

You can have the roads all to yourself. You just can’t travel over 20 mph to get somewhere. And when you get where you’re going, it’s closed for snow.

The athlete next door can’t bounce his basketball beside your bedroom window. Instead, he’s inside stealing your wifi and hacking into your bank account.

Your kids can build a snowman and pose beside it hor holiday cards (Go heavy on the U of M sports caps and a blue and yellow shovel.) Because, after all, only those dumb enough to root for U of M would be outside in such atrocious weather.

Some large dogs, like Great Danes, don’t object to pulling sleds. And some small dogs, like your neighbor’s yappy Chihuahua can easily get lost in a snow drift with a gentle, helpful nudge.

If you drop a cupcake in a snowdrift, it can be defrosted and edible in April. Also, alcohol doesn’t freeze. Unplug the fridge, save some energy, and make your backyard a frozen buffet.

You can leave your Christmas wreath on your front door until Easter. Same goes for your Christmas lights if you were pathetic enough to put them up to begin with.

In New York City there were so many piles of snow there are no places to put bags of garbage. Southwest Michigan has a splendid “no snow days” pick up system for the trash companies. The smell of garbage is a known aphrodisiac.

St. Joe provides so much work for snow plow owners, they can vacation in Florida in March and April. Unfortunately when they get to Florida they’ll find snow down there too.

Walgreens has shelves full of pain killing ointment for shovelers. That is if you can get to Walgreens and if they’re not closed for the snow.

You may feel superior to anyone living far from the Great Lakes who doesn’t know what “lake effect anything” means. This useless knowledge can be filed right between who invented the Frisbee and why people have eyebrows in your encyclopedia of knowledge.

In the Book of Crazilations, it states: “Verily my brethren, honor the snow for in the summer it makes the Welch’s grapes to grow.” If, however, you don’t eat grapes, screw the snow.

Snow melts.
Then floods.
Swimming burns calories.

Inspired by Norma Smith

Glenn Beck's Top Ten Dumbest Quotes

2010-09-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

Is He a Schizo, a Bigot, or Just a Right Wing Nutjob?

Readers beware! There's another wacko right wing nutjob on the loose. His name is Glenn Beck, and Republicans adore him. They love him so much they want to rub his belly when he rolls over, and pinch his cheek like your grandma used to do. But Glenn Beck is hardly a cute little kitten when you hear some of the craziness bubbling from out his mouth like foam from a rabid dog. Do you have your rabies shot?

Here is just a sample of such rabid paranoia.

1. "This president I think has exposed himself over and over again as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture....I'm not saying he doesn't like white people, I'm saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist."

Beck whipped up this gem on July 28, 2009. Advertisers fled from him in terror like he was the black... er, I mean the white plague.

In an interview with Katie Couric, he could not, or would not define what he meant by "white culture."

To read the rest of this article, click here:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2479786/glenn_becks_top_ten_dumbest_quotes.html?cat=9

ATTENTION: FOUND DOG

2009-05-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

If anyone knows anyone who has lost a little dog in Berrien Springs, please contact me: Email me at darvijenn@yahoo.com . I found a small dog Monday evening around 10 PM in our back yard on Murdock St near Bluff. I think the dog probably just got away from home.

Oh my? Really? Who woulda stunk...er, I mean, thunk it?

2009-05-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

Kalamazoo links broccoli smell to sewer system

KALAMAZOO, Mich. – An official said he's found a source of the city's long-running mystery stink. Public Services Director Bruce Merchant says the "rotten broccoli" smell that's bothered residents of northeastern Kalamazoo since last summer comes from the sewer system.

Read the entire SHOCKING revelation...

Next thing they'll be telling us is that the stench in Broken Springs is caused by the dead fish in our river...

Congratulations America

2008-11-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

Does Daniel Shame moonlight in Orlando?

2008-10-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

About a month later, Seminole planning officials cleared Holmes to run a volunteer organization out of the house. But they specifically prohibited ''outside storage of any materials'' unless she screened them from view.

By September 2007, Seminole County Sheriff's Office records show, a code-enforcement officer began filing violation reports against the property. Holmes contends that she began receiving visits from the officer even earlier.

Reports cited portable restrooms, an oversized truck, abandoned vehicles and overgrown grass. Holmes moved the nearly three-ton truck to a storage warehouse and cleaned up the debris and cars in the yard.

The seven-page file shows as of Sept. 26, Holmes had addressed her violations to the satisfaction of code officials. But the lien for previous infractions remains.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/southflorida/story/713542.html

Too sad. The woman turned her life around after years of drug abuse. Now she gives away food, clothes, and furniture to those in need. And she is punished for her generosity because her nosy neighbors wouldn't stop gawking at her cluttered up property. Something's wrong in America when cleanliness is valued more than selflessness.

Satire at its best

2008-10-01T00:38:00.001-07:00

I love Sara Benincasa.

2008-09-30T01:38:00.000-07:00

The real thing:
Katie Couric: Why isn't it better, Gov. Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

Gov. Sarah Palin: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the -- it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.

And now for the spoof...

From Sarah and Hillary

2008-09-22T12:49:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin Speaking in Tongues

2008-09-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

The only one I liked at the RNC

2008-09-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin Celebrates RNC Speech

2008-09-09T02:08:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin's Vlog

2008-09-05T01:21:00.000-07:00

Bristol Palin Faking Pregnancy for Mother, says web rumors.

2008-09-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Bristol Palin Faking Pregnancy for Mother?
According to rumors circulating on the internet, the recent revelation that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's unmarried 17-year-old daughter Bristol Palin is pregnant is just a clever ploy hiding the truth about Alaskan Governor Palin's own pregnancy.
View more »

How Republicans Really Feel about Sarah Palin

2008-09-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

Oops... the mic was still on, catching a rare occurrence: Republicans telling the truth.

Bad language alert.

No wonder they think she's goofy.
Don't forget to pray for those pipelines!

Local couple gets hitched at funeral home

2008-09-01T17:21:00.001-07:00

Currently on Yahoo's most popular Odd News...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/odd_funeral_home_wedding;_ylt=AgPdlf6zsouJRdPlXrzlLNIjr7sF

Cool to see the Herald Republican getting some press...

Sarah Palin wants to take the Polar Bear off the Endangered List

2008-08-30T03:13:00.000-07:00

Well done, America

2008-08-29T00:06:00.001-07:00

God Bless America

2008-08-28T00:05:00.001-07:00

Wake up Broken Springs

2008-08-27T00:44:00.001-07:00

Water Tower Cited for Blight

2008-08-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

Tough Trash Cop Strikes Again

What does the Broken Springs Water Tower have in common with hundreds of Broken Springs citizens? It’s been cited for blight by Trash Cop Daniel Shame.

The recent “facelift” the water tower is getting includes a new paint job, requiring workers to temporarily cover it with a long light brown tarp that, unbeknownst at the time the job was scheduled, violates the local litter and debris ordinance. The ordinance makes illegal unsightly objects visible from the street and/or neighboring properties. Since the current state of the water tower is unquestionable unsightly, its violation of the ordinance is in no question. But many are questioning the fairness of the citation since the tower’s tarp is necessary until the renovation is complete.

The citation of the water tower isn’t much unlike the citation of Harold Mishap’s automobile repair shop, cited last year by Daniel Shame for having inoperable cars.

According to protocol, the property owners, in this case the village itself, have ten days to make the necessary changes to be compliant with regulations but since the job is scheduled to take two weeks, it’s doubtful that the village of Broken Springs will abide by their own ordinance. It’s also doubtful that they’ll levy a fine of $100 against themselves as the do against other violators.

Residential opinion varies on the matter. Some believe the ordinance should be followed by everyone, not just those Daniel Shame doesn’t like. Resident Mandy Wurtz, who was recently cited for grass growing in between the pebbles of her driveway, believes the water town citation is fitting. At least that‘s what we assume she thinks since she couldn't stop laughing when we told her.

Others agree.

“It looks like a giant condom,” says fair goer Dolly Adamson. “In fact, when I asked directions to the supermarket earlier this week, I was told to turn left at the giant condom.” She was quick to add, “Not that there’s anything wrong with condoms. It’s just that I wouldn’t like my drinking water to come out of one.”

Trash Cop Shame doesn’t regret citing the Village over the water tower. He told NFBS that no one is exempt from his long arm of the law, including the Village itself if it violates the ordinance. We can attest to Shame’s seriousness with which he performs his dangerous job of keeping the streets of Broken Springs free from litter and debris. He’s even threatened to cite this website for its unsightly color scheme.

Whether or not the Water Tower citation will result in a fine is anyone’s guess. If a fine is issued, there’s a reasonable chance Village residents will see a rise in their next tax statement. After all, nothing’s free anymore. Least of all water.

Potent and Impotent

2008-07-13T02:20:00.001-07:00

Regular readers may have noticed a lack of content in the last several months. No, we haven’t been shut down by local law enforcement. Nor have we been paid an enormous amount of hush money to pipe down about the local goings on, though we’re always open to any offers.

No, we’ve not been writing about the goings on in Broken Springs simply because there hasn’t been anything going on. News has stopped dead in its tracks since Jim Kingston took early retirement. And our editor has completely thrown herself into the world of billiards.

Sure, there is that pesky primary election coming up and our friend and co-hort Troublemaker Boob is running for chairwomanship of Onoyoko Township against incumbent Ernie “Fencepost” Hildecrust. But so far both sides have run a clean campaign. And by clean I mean breathtakingly boring. Shucks.

Well it should be no surprise that here at News from Broken Springs we officially endorse Troublemaker Boob Bruce. Certainly not because he’s a true fiscal conservative, a crisis preventer instead of his crisis manager rival Ernie Hildecrust. Not because Bruce is a Republican in a sea of Broken County Republicans where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a Republican or a Hildecrust and sometimes even both at the same time. Not even because he’s a younger, more energized babe magnet of a candidate than the decrepit grandfatherly Hildecrust whose idea of sex appeal is a baggy Michigan State Spartan sweatshirt. No, NFBS officially endorses Bruce because he’s got bigger cahones than Hildecrust. And by that I mean balls. Balls he’s proven on more than one occasion to be bigger than Broken Springs itself.

Consider proof of cahones:
Remember when Troublemaker Boob was threatened with lawsuit and told to shut down his blog by the law firm Wee Screwem & How, which was hired by the three Broken Springs officials who are no longer Broken Springs officials? Did Boob cave in to their unconstitutional demands or did he furiously defend his freedom of speech? If Boob’s rival Hildecrust had been presented with such a threat, his balls would still be hanging on the fencepost and the first amendment to the US Constitution would‘ve been violated like a nun in prison. But Troublemaker Boob fought for his freedom, and he’ll fight for yours too.

Vote August 5th for Troublemaker Boob Bruce for Onoyoko Township Supervisor. Clearly he‘s more endowed for the job.

A tribute to George Carlin

2008-06-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

He was one of my comedic heroes, mainly because he never pulled any punches. He was even arrested for obscenity once, and I was only almost arrested for obscenity.

WARNING TO POSSIBLE IGNORANT BSers... video clip contains DIRTY WORDS.

Vegas Slideshow

2008-06-17T00:56:00.000-07:00

Who has time for small town satire when you're in Vegas???

MI Senate Bans the Right to Give Those Around You Cancer

2008-05-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

To read the article...

‘Whispers’ to a screen

2008-04-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

Local suspense film to debut at Wonderland.

From the South Bend Tribune:

Kurt Struss knew he needed to improve the look of “First Night Out,” his initial foray into filmmaking. That’s why he attended that 2005 Mid-America Filmmakers meeting where he met Thomas Zuber.

“We knew our views kind of clicked,” Struss says by telephone from his home in Buchanan.

So Struss recruited Zuber to help improve his film, and a partnership was born. The duo formed Struber Productions and began reading each other’s scripts. That’s when Zuber showed Struss “Whispers.”

“It was a good, clear-driven ghost story,” Struss says.

On Thursday, “Whispers,” which was filmed in Buchanan and LaPorte last year, will have its theatrical premiere at Wonderland Cinema in Niles.

Read the rest...

Whispers Trailer:
Whispers

New Study Shows Small Men Prefer Big Trucks

2008-04-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

A new study conducted by the National Research Panel has concluded that men who drive large trucks, SUVs, and automobiles have smaller genitalia than men who drive small to medium sized vehicles. The study, conducted on 350 males nationwide, lasted for three months. For the purpose of the study, the national average genitalia scaled in at 5 1/2 inches. Those men who measured less than the 5 1/2 inch mark were twice as likely to drive a Hummer, and five times as likely to drive a four wheel drive truck or oversized car while those men measuring 5 1/2 inches or above tended to prefer small to mid-sized vehicles, including hybrids and rice burners.

The study has caused quite a stir among frat clubs, stag bars, congress, and every other male dominated boys club in our current society.

To read the rest click:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/688493/new_study_shows_small_men_prefer_big.html

The Great Brandi Carlile

2008-03-26T03:16:00.000-07:00

I have a pool teammate who's the spitting image of Brandi Carlile, with the same personality full of spunk.

Broken Springs Water Tower

2008-03-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

The BS Village Council is considering a new paintjob for our water tower. Might I suggest the following color scheme?

My Italy Slideshow

2008-03-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

Bitch is the new black

2008-02-26T08:57:00.001-08:00

Disney in pictures...

2008-02-19T09:54:00.001-08:00

A Lullaby

2008-01-05T03:54:00.000-08:00

Presidential Paintball

2007-12-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

Christmas in Broken Springs

2007-12-15T22:53:00.000-08:00

Potent and Impotent

2007-11-29T22:45:00.000-08:00

Did everyone rekindle their Christmas Spirit in downtown Broken Springs Thursday night? I can't I say did. In fact, the only thing I wanted to rekindle was a stick of dynamite in the anal cavity of whomever was responsible for blocking off downtown while everyone is trying to get home from work. As I understand it, the hoopla was celebrating not only Christmas, but the completion of the disaster known locally as the Streetscrape Project. I'm gussing that means that our new bump outs have bumped out as far as they're ever going to bump out, and our retarded Elton John benches will forever go both ways. Our new Christmas decorations look exactly like our old decorations, only much more expensive.

It was interesting to read that Village employees have combatted the current hard economic times with a nifty 3% pay raise. We here at NFBS were particularly thrilled to see that included in the list of benefitted Village employees was none other than Litter and Debris Code Enforcement Officer Daniel Shame. He will now make $22.95 an hour to trespass instead of the piddley $22.28 he was making before the wage increase. I can think of no better person to offer the pay raise to, unless you count every other person on the friggin planet, and a few animals as well.

And speaking of Junior...

Proving once again that more than terrorism, more than a nuclear explosion, more than cell phone talking Adventist drivers trying to get home before sundown on a Friday night, the biggest threat to Broken Springs is blight, the Village Council has decided to hire a backup Code Enforcement Officer. The decision, according to this week's Journalistic Error, is partly due to the possibility that current Trash Cop Daniel Shame may resign.

Now that would rekindle my spirit.

An Identity Theft Seminar will be offered December 11th at the library. Residents interested in attending the seminar can call the library and leave their name, in addition to their phone, social security, and ATM PIN numbers to register for the seminar.

It's campaign season, and the recently mentioned local rag has declared its position with the publication of their first recycled political joke. So here is our first joke, establishing our political position:

When Hillary Clinton heard that Rudy Giuliani will run against her for President, she became very depressed. She said that if she wanted to spend the next year battling an adulterer, she could've stayed at home.

Tasered to Death

2007-11-16T13:07:00.000-08:00

Trash Cop Asks for Raise

2007-11-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

Litter and Debris Ordinance Code Enforcement Officer Daniel Shame (known more commonly around this neck of the woods as the Trash Cop) has recently asked for a raise in pay, according to minutes to a recent Broken County Board meeting. He requested the raise because his current wage, twenty-five dollars an hour, just isn’t enough to cover his divorce lawyer, his gas guzzling Bronco, and the new set of bow and arrows he’s recently put on lay away at Kmart. He’s also asked for help in paying his cell phone bill, because according to Shame, he uses it almost exclusively for his job, not including the 1-900 calls, which he only makes after he’s driven around Broken County at least three times looking for blight ordinance violations.

Residents of Broken County are displeased with the job Shame has done, particularly those residents he’s cited as violators. But the board seems quite content with his job performance, despite the fact that Broken County ranks in beauty right behind the back alleys in Harlem. Asked why Broken County is still so far away from the mythical suburbs of Wisteria Lane with its flower beds and perfect length lawns, resident Jim Bob Johnson says, “Well, you can put a dress on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

This is not the first time Broken Township’s Litter and Debris Ordinance has caused a stir. Several years ago, the Township took Earl Waxmell to court over safety issues regarding tires on his salvage yard that he’d been operating since the 1980s. Waxmell’s “unsafe” property was safe enough legally speaking until someone got tired of looking at a bunch of old tires. This was when the Board started to dress the pig.

Harry Fishhook, who operates a car repair shop on the corner of Dans Hill Road and M-140, was cited for his property full of inoperable cars. Apparently there are those in the township who don’t quite grasp the concept of owning a car repair shop. If the cars were operable, Harry Fishhook’s business would sink, much like Daniel Shame’s reputation amongst the locals. Fishhook has also questioned the need for the trash cop to wear a gun while doing his job. To this, Board President Pete Dixby has responded, “We can’t very well ask Shame to trespass on private property unarmed, can we?”

Nearby in the slightly less visually offensive town of Broken Springs, Trash Cop Shame does his duty in a more conducive environment. His wage from the Village of Broken Springs, whatever it is (we’ve lost track after the third raise) is quite satisfactory and rarely does his trespassing or overstepping of civil liberty cause any ruckus. In fact, the Council even praises him for it. But then again, with a relative on the Village Council, is anyone surprised that the Trash Cop has limitless power? We may be rid of him as a real cop on the streets of Broken Springs, but he haunts us still. Let’s all just hope that someday Trash Cop Daniel Shame is disposed of.

My New Favorite Show

2007-10-16T03:28:00.000-07:00

Too bad Daniel Shame didn't have powers like this...

You can watch the complete episodes on ABC.com
And if you like the dark humor of Pushing Daisies, you should really check out the old canceled Showtime series, Dead Like Me, viewable online here.

Cubs Lose: Cosmos Safe

2007-10-11T01:09:00.000-07:00

In historic fashion, the curse of the Billy Goat again reared its ugly head on those Lovable Losers, the Chicago Cubs. Game three of the National League Division Series ended with the Arizona Diamondbacks beating the Cubbies by the score of 5-1. The serpents stung Chicago Cub Rich Hill so bad he only lasted four innings in the post season game, ensuring the continuation of planetary rotation and balance within the cosmos.

"On the one hand, I'm severely disappointed," said 86-year-old Bud Cromsky, a die hard Chicago Cub fan, "But at least there'll be no Armageddon."

Continued life on earth has, of all things, a Billy Goat to thank. During the Cubs' last trip to the Series in 1945, Chicago tavern-keeper, Sam Sianis and his pet goat Murphy were denied entrance into Wrigley Field. Sianis said, "Never again will World Series be played in Wrigley Field,�€� or so the tale is told. The moral of this story is: don't tick off a man with a goat. Of course curses cannot live on Billy Goats alone.

In 1969, a black cat walked across Wrigley Field and the Cubs lost to the New York Mets. The superstition that followed was predictable, but rarely is the question asked: how did a cat get into Wrigley when a Billy Goat doesn't stand a chance?

In the eighth inning of game six of 2003's LCS between the Marlins and the Cubs, with the Cubs just innings away from a World Series, one of the Cubs' very own helped further along their losing streak. On a pop foul near the left field line, Chicago outfielder Moises Alou seemed poised to pocket the second out of the inning. But a Cubbie fan deflected the ball away from Alou's glove, and the inevitable chaos ensued. An error, a walk, eight runs, and several cups of beer spilt on the infamous fan later, the Cubs rolled over faster than John F. on Marilyn Monroe.

It's been 99 years since the Chicago Cubs won a World Series. Bud Cromsky was but a twinkle in his pop's eye. Back then Wrigley Field didn't have lights because electricity had not yet been invented. Neither had television, the internet, or air conditioning. Back then Chicago wasn't even the Windy City yet. It was affectionately known as the Slightly Breezy City.

One can only wonder how much the world will have changed if the Chicago Cubs ever return to the World Series. I've got my money on robotic pitchers and beer that stays cold without refrigeration. But in the meantime, we should celebrate the continued stability of the cosmos.

A Comedy Classic

2007-10-04T23:08:00.001-07:00

Not funny at all

2007-09-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

And to think, we almost had this in Broken Springs...

Another innocent man tased and arrested for nothing

2007-09-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

Titties and Beer

2007-09-21T13:00:00.001-07:00

Performing tonight at the Morris Civic...

Potent and Impotent

2007-09-17T10:34:00.001-07:00

How's everyone? I've been busy trying to find something to write about but so far the pickings are slim. Apparently the decision to make Officer Mort Allgay Interim Police Chief was the worst possible scenario for the future of this particular publication. He's kept the department in tip top shape, which is a pity for our subscribers because now we're forced to bribe people with chocolate to come to this website.

As you may have noticed, we did run a story in which we referred to the Police Chief still as Jimmy Kingston. The truth is we will probably continue to do so, only because we find Kingston to be a much more colorful fellow than Allgay. So in the fictional Broken Springs, we like to think - as some of our FOJ friends already do - that Jim Kingston will always be Chief to us.

I'm so glad that the Streetscrape Project was completed, as promised, before the start of the fair one month ago. I've almost forgotten what color those orange barrels were that littered our town.

Three cheers for Streetscrape! Did former Mayor Jan Chaddwich have a wonderful idea or what? The weeds in the median give our quaint little village a prairie look. The medians narrowed our roads so that anything wider than a motorcycle cannot pass through. And those bump outs...! Won't those be the perfect speed bumps for Adventist drivers speeding through town and rolling through our stop signs? The generic looking street lamps look like they've come straight out of a knockoff Norman Rockwell painting. And the clincher... as if all that were not enough... is the backwards facing benches. Tell me, have you ever seen anything more... well, backwards? All the other towns are sure to get jealous and imitate us, at which point, we can simply flip the benches around and be the only normal town in Broken County. What a genius idea. I dunno about you but I'd much rather watch a man with a beard full of scrambled eggs eat breakfast than watch the dozens of cars speeding past to get out of our God forsaken town as fast as they can.

Three cheers for Jan Chaddwich's Streetscrape Project! Why we didn't spend $800,000 of our hard earned tax dollars sooner to tear up our streets and detour traffic for half a year is beyond me.

There is good news in Broken Township, where Daniel Shame still reigns as Garbarge Cop, defending our streets against litter and debris, which threaten our very existence. The biggest problem Broken Township has to worry about is litter and debris on private property owners land. Even an automobile repair shop was cited for their unrunning vehicles. Are you kidding? Next thing you know, they'll be citing a junk man for his junk. Oh wait, they've already done that. When it comes to ugliness that is litter and debris, I say what's the use of hiding it? It's like an 80 year old getting a face lift.

If the inside is rotten, why pretend the outside isn't?

Some of you may remember the Jeremiah story about the man who loved his daughter so much he couldn't keep his hands off her. I'm happy to report that Jeremiah, despite passing the lie detector test Jim Kingston arranged for him, is behind bars and no longer a threat to little Kaylee.

Perhaps there is justice in the world after all.

Until next time, downward and in a spiral....

Child Destroyed by Police after Biting Dog

2007-09-04T00:13:00.000-07:00

A labrador retriever was bitten by a 12-year-old boy running loose around the Broken County Fairgrounds Sunday, according to Police Chief Jim Kingston.

Police were called after the incident sent the retriever to Lakeview Pet Hospital in Niles. The dog sustained several injuries to his front legs and one ear was pulled longer than the other.

The vet talked with Officer Mike Lundgren and told him that the child should be immediately located and tested for rabies. Otherwise the dog was going to have to be put on a series of painful shots and medications that were by no means, according to Dr. Jerry Affe, “a walk in the park.” Police then scoped the neighborhood until they spotted the boy swinging in the park near the school. The child was then humanely put down with two bullets between the eyes.

“It’s unforgivable to let your children run loose,” said Chief Kingston. “Not only is it inconsiderate but it’s also against the law,” he added, citing a Village resolution passed last year requiring all children thirteen years old and younger to be kept on a leash at all times unless they’re kept inside a locked house.

Unauthorized negligence of youngsters has posed a public nuisance in the past in the quaint little village of Broken Springs with incidents ranging from teachers’ houses being tee-pee-ed to paintball pranks. But this is the first time in Broken Springs history when a child’s mischief has resulted in his own demise.

“Who knows what those little critters are carrying around,” justified Chief Kingston, referring to the children. “They’ve been known to carry infectious diseases and harmful insects all in our houses and schools. It’s a wonder any of us survive daily contact with them.”

The child in question has so far gone unclaimed. Because he was not wearing tags, even the boy’s name is a mystery. If anyone knows anything about the identification of the child, the department would appreciate knowing so they can properly bill the boy’s family for funeral and burial costs.

True Story

2007-08-29T01:02:00.000-07:00

One hot summer day, a Broken Springs local came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into Coyote's Watering Hole for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a Broken Springs cop came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The man said that it was his.

The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The Broken Springs man replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool cause I got 'er tied under the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be bred.

"No way," the said the man, "My dog don't need bread, she's not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The man looks at the cop and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

Hi and Low-Lights from the Broken County Youth Fair

2007-08-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year again. Did everyone enjoy the fair? Me neither. I had such a rotten time the first time I was there, I went back again, which either means I’m a masochist or I lead a very dull life. Perhaps a bit of both. But if you were one of the lucky ones who didn’t attend this year’s fair, here is what you didn’t miss.

By far the best part of this year’s fair - and this is a little sad - was the APA pool booth in Commercial Building #3. As some of you may already know, I’ve been an APA member for four years and counting and any place with a pool table is like Heaven to me. John Easton, local league operator, runs a Fast Rack Contest that’s free to try every four hours. If you can make six balls in the least amount of time, you win a free tee shirt with the approximate value of $1.49. Well, I’m not fast at anything I do, except tending bar, and least of all pool. I play slower than a handicapped snail crawls, so I was mighty proud of my best score of 35 seconds. Unfortunately it wasn’t fast enough to win a shirt. I was beat by a carnie named Dave. And despite my best efforts, John resisted my pleadings for a tee shirt, which means I’m gonna have to sucker some poor soul into strip pool some night - all because John Easton is being stingy with his tee shirts. Either that or I could wait a couple months and find one on the racks of Goodwill.

The few times I ventured away from the pool table booth at the fair, I wandered around the animal barns, where I saw many interesting things.

The goat pens are getting smaller and smaller every year. This one here couldn’t have been more than 2x2, with barely enough room to stand up, let alone lay down. It almost made me want to call the ASPCA. But then I wandered over to the rabbit barn, where not only were the rabbits penned up claustrophobically, but they were also made to listen to the music of Toby Keith on the barn‘s speaker system. Talk about torture! There was no listening to anything in the chicken/duck/and turkey barn, other than a bunch of roosters with time deficient biological clocks. They were cock-a-doodle dooing all night long. It was enough to make the ducks quack up.

This two legged goat was a big attraction. According to his sign, he was born next to the Crook Nuclear Plant. Sadly, I heard that the five legged sheep died on its way to the Fair. Bless his five hearts.

These Siamese Goats were joined at the neck.

I found a horse with a hairdo much like my own. And that’s not all we had in common. Apparently at some point in her past, she’d slept with a total ass. Her bastard mule wasn’t getting any attention in the “Wonders of Birth” barn, but I thought he was cute.

Other than animals, the Broken County Youth Fair has the same crappy rides every year, and the same high priced food. The only exception is the Fiends of Broken Springs Korn Dog Stand, which was the busiest food joint there. In all, the beau-friend and I consumed thirteen korn dogs, not counting the one I’m having genetically tested at the lab as we speak. The Fiends of Broken Springs will not release the recipe for their infamous korn dogs, but I’ll discover the secret ingredient if it kills me.

I was glad to see the Republican Building even less busy than the Health Department's STD tent. Does that mean that even conservative Broken County is waking up and smelling the goat's milk?

The Historical Building was a disappointment this year. Last year this building had information about the House of David and the history of the Fairgrounds property. This year the entire building was basically a poster contest of fair families genealogies, whose only intention seemed to be gaining sympathy for third and fourth generations of fair volunteers. The only thing that puzzled me is that everyone in these pictures were smiling gleefully and not weeping uncontrollably.

All in all, I’m looking forward to next year’s fair, if only to make a killing at my rival korn dog stand.

Thanks for the Memories, the Heartache, and the Trauma

2007-08-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

Former Broken Springs Police Chief James Earl Kingston was recently honored for his 30 plus years of disservice to the community of Broken Springs. Nine friends and 32 relatives met at the Divided Unitarian Church to pay tribute to Broken Springs’s longest serving top cop, who was recently canned by the Township Board for being an inadequate piece of horse manure.

The former Chief received many cards, gifts, handshakes, and pinches on the butt from the sitting room only crowd last Wednesday night.

Shockingly we at NFBS were not invited to this prestigious event. Apparently the Broken Springs Post Office lost our invitation in the mail, an unfortunate error that will not be forgotten during the Christmas tip season. We’re sure the Kingston Klan regrets the error, and their letter of apology has also unfortunately suffered the same un-received fate as the original invite. We’re sure our presence (and presents) were sorely missed. Despite the mistake, we will report the highlights of the six hour long tribute, as reported to us from the tape recorder we planted under the church’s alter.

Former Broken Springs Cop Daniel Shame presented Jimmy with a walker that doubles as a TV tray, with which Jim can use to eat his beans and weanies without ever missing a single spin of the Wheel of Fortune.

Local Veternarian Phillip Wrecht presented the former Chief with three dozen unwanted cats and dogs from his animal hospital, almost all of which were spayed and neutered, just like Kingston himself.

Sheriff Paul Bunion invited Jim to wear a brown uniform after January 1st. When asked later if he’d consider the option, Kinston told us he’d rather work for Fed Ex than UPS.

Janice Wisealeck shared a story about a time before cops gave out tickets for mufflers that dragged on the ground. She said Jimmy once “negro-rigged” her parent’s muffler with his own two hands and for that he will always be a gentleman in her heart. And the bill he sent them later for eighty dollars was very reasonable, she added.

Longtime friend and brown-noser Chuck Flint praised Kingston for having the courage to play sports in his youth, despite being a small little weakling who would later grow up to don a holster and a gun to compensate for his size inadequacies.

Carol Gilman presented the former Chief with a red, white, and blue quilt that she started back when Jimmy was a mere patrolman and he once let her slide out of a speeding ticket when she only had three minutes to get to Slaters Supermarket before they closed. The colors of the quilt are symbolic, according to Gilman. Red represents the blood of his enemies someday filling the streets of Broken Springs. White represents Kingston’s superior race and ethnicity, and blue signifies his temperament after being forced into early (yet profitable) retirement.

And octarian Karen Plug commended the size of Kingston’s package, particularly around the holidays when he’d deliver his packages to all the needy people in Broken Springs.

Had we been at the ceremony we would have presented the former Chief with a distinction that goes something like this:

Thank you Jim Kingston for all the inspiration you gave us to report your many wonderful accomplishments.

Thank you for not registering Operation Christmas Care Bear with the state of Michigan, thereby having an otherwise reputable charity investigated by the state police not once but two times.

Thank you for unlawfully cashing the taser donation checks which you solicited before the purchase of tasers was even approved by the police commission.

Thank you for not holding former Officer Daniel Shame responsible for his childlike antics, from illegally searching minors to his bow and arrow target practice in a different township while on duty and being paid by the taxpayers to keep the streets of Broken Springs safe from people like himself.

Thank you for taking part in the political campaign of Jan Chaddwick while you were on medical leave. Thank you for keeping that black man running against her in his proper place, which is under the heal of the white man in power.

Thank you for using an accurate descriptive word for the entire black race, while in their company in a local restaurant. Thank you for saying it loud enough for them to hear and be offended. Thank you for then admitting it to the Herald Republican.

Thank you for purchasing and using an illegal Bionic Ear to spy on potential criminals in our quaint little town.

Without terrific qualities such as these there would be no NFBS.

But most of all, thank you for helping to shut down that pesky read-by-no-one online rag called the Urinal Era. Had you not helped to shut that first amendment protected website down, News from Broken Springs, which is currently read daily by dozens, might never have been born, and you wouldn’t be reading this here and now.

You were truly an inspiration, Jim. We’ll never ever forget you.

The Cooch Pooch: How One Woman's Dream Went to the Dogs

2007-07-25T17:04:00.000-07:00

Local Broken Springs resident Marilyn Fisher had always dreamed of being in the Eukanuba Dog Show. The 36-year-old had showed dogs her whole life, from Rottweilers to Chihuahuas, from Los Angelos to Boston, where the dogs bahked instead of barked. Her big chance came in Tampa, Florida, where her dog, a two-year-old Scottish Terrier, Jackson Grant Lee (named after the tenth and eighteenth Presidents, and the jeans company, respectively) had qualified for the Big Show.

According to his doggy portfolio, Jackson had beaten some harsh competition in his path. Marilyn believed that Jackson was above the fierce disposition that all terriers are known for, yet deep down she knew he liked winning even more than she did, a trait taught to him by Marilyn's dog trainer ex-husband, Gerald. When they split - Marilyn and Gerald, that is, not Gerald and Jackson, Marilyn retained sole custody of the canine, on the condition that if she ever used Jackson as a stud, she'd share the profits, which to Marilyn was ironic because Gerald's infidelity had caused their divorce.

Well, that and Gerald didn't think Marilyn was capable of showing Jackson competitively. When Marilyn heard him admit it to his AKC buddies, she filed for divorce before the sun was up the next morning. His infidelity had little to do with it, actually, but she never told him that.

The Eukanuba Dog Show was being filmed live on Animal Planet. Marilyn took three hours to pick out a stunning skirt to wear as she trotted Jackson around the auditorium. Two hours before the big event, she bathed her pride and joy, blow dried and brushed him so he looked his absolute best. Jackson was a big flirt, and as such, a judge's favorite. Gerald would be in the audience, so to spite him, she wanted to be as big a flirt as Jackson. Like Jackson, she was having an excellent hair day.

Her seven day diet had really seemed to work. She was trim (if a bit bloated) and looked like a million bucks. Her hair, like Jackson's coat, shimmered like black diamonds under the lights, and fell precisely in place with no need for hair spray. Luck, as it seemed, was on her side.

Timing, however, wasn't.

That time of the month, as it turns out, began only hours before showtime. Marilyn shrugged it off as only a menstruating woman can. Because she'd so occupied herself with catering to every need of her four legged best friend, thoughts of her approaching period had escaped her. Anyway, she'd stopped keeping track since she'd stopped having sex. She calmly found a fifty-cent tampon machine in the restroom. It was nothing Tampax couldn't handle.

The auditorium was packed. Gerald had a front row seat and she smiled to him on her first lap around the judges. As the dogs were being introduced, Marilyn felt like the center of attention. Jackson was strutting like he'd never had before. Even he knew this was the chance of a lifetime. They both smiled at the television cameras all around as they stood in the prestigious Best in Show line.

That was when the unheard of happened. As Marilyn stood there, flashing a devilish grin to the man who never had any faith in her, the Alaskan Malamute from the Working Dog class crept his nose in her butt. She heard a small giggle from the audience. Jackson, of course, was still as a Roman statue, proud and beautiful. When the Malamute was tugged away by his handler, Marilyn composed herself. Sniffing dogs were not uncommon in shows, especially when half the contestants had a very perceptive sense of smell.

The Bassett Hound took a turn next. He was on the other side of Marilyn and when he inched over, Jackson gave him a very subtle growl. His whiff was quick and furtive. She glanced down to her well behaved Jackson, grateful for his tact. The cameras all caught the Bassett, and she could only imagine what the television commentators were saying.

She bent down in embarrassment, pretending to cuddle her dog. Her skirt fell down over her knees and for a brief moment, Jackson was lost under it. The soft touch of his fur against her knee high pantyhose gave her the confidence to stand back up. But when she did, the audience roared in laughter. On the gigantic screen above her, she saw why.

Jackson, proud and beloved canine champion, had retrieved a white fluffy toy, the string hanging out of his mouth.

Who said terriers can't fetch?

(This article originally appeared on Associated Content.)

Attention Readers

2007-07-13T01:08:00.000-07:00

Be on the lookout for the following suspicious looking people.

This man is NOT a real cop. And if he was, he certainly wouldn't be working in Broken Springs. Clearly, he has bought that uniform on eBay in an effort to swoon innocent Broken Springs women into the backseat of his Mercedes Benz (which is NOT a real squad car, despite what he may tell you).

Ladies (and gentlemen... come on, look how hot he is), be forewarned. Now that the Broken Springs Police Department is auctioning off their extra police uniforms, everyone must be extra vigilant in noticing impostures.

I repeat. This man is NOT a real cop. Do not let him frisk you. That's NOT a gun in his holster. Here is your first clue to this man's scam: He didn't even bother to buy the uniform pants. That is *so* against dress code.

Likewise, the woman above is NOT a real cop. In fact, she's recently spent time behind bars for being a lowdown, rotten criminal. Men of Broken Springs... do not fall for her guiles. If she asks you to assume the position, high tail it out of there. Do not look back.

She's obviously just bought that BS Officer uniform on eBay (Liddie Bruehlman warned us about this). Again, she is NOT a real cop. Please don't be fooled. The only thing she's armed with is a video camcorder. If she strip searches you, the film may be leaked to the Internet.

Consider this your only warning.

Potent and Impotent

2007-06-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

I know things have been dead lately. Since the self removal of Jimmy Kingston, there's not a whole lot to write about, unless something big happens, like if the workers for the streetscape project found Jimmy Hoffa. But don't get your hopes up.

Cloverleaf Campground is looking for a new Park manager, preferably one who can properly kiss the butt of the Village Council. Good help is so hard to find.

And the best news of all is that News from Broken Springs has recently acquired its own domain. Let's give a warm welcome to...

Brokensprings.net.

Yes, the old blogger address will still be good, but instead of typing out the whole thing, NFBS readers can now just type in brokensprings.net. Much easier to pass around to your friends too. The only bad thing is we'll need to print up some new business cards. Also, no need to hunt up that long email addy to email the editor. Now, to contact us all you need to put in your TO box is editor@brokensprings.net. Easy as pie.

But how can NFBS afford such a domain? Domain names costs dozens of dollars a year, and currently the staff here at the Broken Springs Rag makes peanuts. Perhaps you, the reader, would like a domain of your very own if the price is right?

The price is very right. The .net domain cost us exactly no dollars and no cents. Yes, we did have to take a few online surveys and sign up for newsletters we didn't really want, but in the end, it was very worth it.

Another Free is the name of the website that offers the service. In one afternoon, we were able to gain enough points for a two year domain registration. Check them out because we highly recommend them.

Mannequin Rapist Strikes Again

2007-06-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

Another victim of the mannequin rapist was found early this morning by Old Navy store manager Carl Mason. The mannequin, who has not been identified until her family can be notified, was discovered half undressed, face down in Aisle 6. She is the fifth victim in the rapist's four week spree. Nearby was the only piece of evidence left at the scene, a tan pair of scrunched up semen stained Dockers.

About a month ago, area retailers began to notice a returning customer trying to become intimate with several in store mannequins. On numerous occasions, the man was asked to leave and once, after his blatant groping was witnessed by several jaw dropped onlookers in Victoria's Secret, he was escorted out by security officers, only to be quickly released. Though there was no doubt that his behavior was sexually inappropriate, it was unclear whether or not he'd actually broken any law.

Around the time the mysterious 'Mannequin Stalker,' as he became known, disappeared, the sexual assaults of mannequins began, leaving authority figures to speculate that the mysterious stalker had promoted himself from unacceptable behavior to criminal contact with non consenting mannequins, and in some extreme cases, statue-tory rape.

Two of the rapist's previous victims describe their attacker as a man in his middle 30s, with a receding hairline and an extremely small penis. Unfortunately since their description applies to almost every 30 something man in Broken Springs, the perpetrator has not yet been caught. However, the DNA collected at the scene of his most recent victim is being tested and may lead to his identification.

As the authorities now hunt for the Rapist, public debate has opened over what constitutes as rape in today's marketing world of plastic woman modeling lingerie. Some consider the Mannequin Rapist a victim of society's emphasis on marketed sex. Others insist that he's mentally ill and with some mental therapy, he could pass as a normal member of society, or possibly a member of Congress. And still others suggest that the only therapy that could cure him is a pair of scissors applied directly to his testicles.

"They were asking for it," says local misogynist Arthur Scutbucket (52), of the mannequins. 'We've both seen the way they dress, flaunting themselves in public with their provocative poses and skimpy outfits. Sometimes even in shop windows, just gagging for it! Mini skirts, halter tops, with pink thongs," He talks fast, with quick spurts of breath, "It's disgusting how these filthy sluts show their pert nipples through the thin, clinging fabric of the skimpy tops they're whoring," he said as he massaged the bulge in his trousers. "One plastic tramp wasn't even wearing any panties!"

But can clothing, or lack thereof justify rape? Modern sensibilities may answer in the negative, but there is a correlation between the number of mannequin rapes reported and how few clothes they're actually wearing during the onset of the attack. According to the records, a mannequin is six times more likely to be assaulted if she models for Victoria's Secret than she is while working for a store like Home Depot. We spoke to a woman mannequin modeling Carhart overalls while holding a screw gun in one hand and a hammer in the other. The closest she's ever come to being raped, she told us, was when a butch lesbian slipped a hand in her back pocket and gave her a squeeze.

"I almost dropped the hammer," she said.

Mannequins working in Housewares report the fewest number of sexual related assaults, suggesting that an apron may be the most preventive item of clothing a mannequin can wear. An exception to this statement are those mannequins dressed in French Maid outfits, who must endure an even higher amount of questionable behavior, usually resulting in a cleanup in their aisle of the store.

An anonymous mannequin wearing only a Dolce and Gabbana matching bra and pantie set told us that not a day goes by when she isn't accosted in some deliberate or accidental way. "Usually they pretend to trip and catch themselves against my buttocks, sometimes sliding a cold finger across the seam of my thong ever so slowly. Once, a smelly Italian faked a fainting spell just to reach out and take hold of my breasts for leverage. But we're ladies, so we don't react or pull away. If it were up to us, we'd slap them, but that would be bad for business. So we just grin and bare it, quite literally."

Grinning and baring it, however professional, only adds to the problem on the rise. If a mannequin refuses even to step away from an offending shopper, chances are that she'll keep her lips sealed as well. A local poll of 50 people conducted in the mall during our lunch break concluded that nearly half of men and women don't consider an assault rape unless the victim clearly says no to her aggressor. Since most mannequins lack full functioning mouths, it is no wonder why many of them just grin and bare it. Even if she could open her mouth, what's to prevent a sexual predator from using it as just another orifice in which to shove his obtrusive manhood?

Mannequins get very little sympathy from women, our studies show. Asked whether or not she feels sorry for them, an obese cocktail waitress replies, "Why should I? They have the best job in the world. All they do is stand there, in their beautiful clothes and perfectly molded figures. They get ogled at all day long for doing nothing. I work my tail off, only to hear my customers make quips about how I eat what they leave on their plates."

"Would you ever consider sexually assaulting a mannequin?" we asked her.

"Are you kidding? If I sat on their face, I'd bust their pretty little head."

Two other ladies, shopping in the men's department of Sears, also expressed a scathing opinion about the morality of the plastic women in question. "I'm not jealous or anything," said Amy Jacobin (58), "But do you notice how big their breasts are?" Her daughter agreed, and added, "The rapist is a sicko, no doubt about that. But can you really blame him for not being able to control himself around them? It's a good thing that Victoria Secret had a sale on thongs today because I needed a new pair once I got out of there."

"How about male mannequins?" we asked.

"Oh, they're lovely," they both said in unison, indicating a double standard in our mannequin community where female mannequins are sluts and male mannequins are studs.

"But why aren't there women running around raping male mannequins?"

"Because that would interfere with our shopping," answered the mother.

To further understand the complexities of a mannequin rapist's mind, we interviewed Max Von Krauter, 41, currently serving three consecutive life terms in the Broken Springs Prison for Boys after raping an astonishing thirty-four mannequins during the Christmas Shopping season of 1982. The first thing he says from behind his very own window is, "I didn't think of myself as a rapist. I preferred to call myself a mannequinizer. I loved everything about them: their cold to the touch skin, their smooth, hairless bodies, their new plastic smell. I couldn't keep my hands off them. Department store policy said no, but their synthetic come hither stares said, 'Yes YES!'"

When we asked Krauter to tell us about his first time, he told us, "It was an ordinary day. I was shopping for lingerie for my wife of six years, who later divorced me, probably because she never got the lingerie. I couldn't decide on red cami-knickers or a black teddy. Nearby a mannequin was wearing the cami-knickers, so I asked a sales lady to hold up the black teddy, to compare the items. Not long after that, we three were tangled in the aisles of the floor. I was taking the sales lady from behind while she was performing cunnilingus on the mannequin. From then on, I got hard whenever I passed one."

"How were you caught?" we asked him.

"There are only so many mannequins you can undress before the security guards start to notice. But I was having such a good time, I never saw them coming. When they slapped the cuffs on me, I thought Madeline - she was my favorite - wanted to play rough. Well, I'd get my wish for playing rough all right, as soon as I was sent here. Only it wasn't with a mannequin named Madeline. It was with a dumb inmate named Bubba. I never saw him coming either. But he did. It was then I realized how the mannequins must have felt."

Krauter, now a Born Again Christian, realizes that he suffered a severe lapse in judgment in which he succumbed to temptations of hard plastic. But he's tackled his problem and is moving on with his life. He works as a seamstress during the week and busies himself in the laundry room most of the weekend. In that time he's had many solitary moments, in which he understands how selfish his past behavior was.

"Just because she dressed in a sexy satin two piece bathing suit, or an evening gown that gave her amazing cleavage doesn't mean she was asking to be taken from behind while Jingle Bells played over the store intercom. Just because she didn't say no or push my hand away when I reached up her silk skirt doesn't mean she wanted sex. It just means she was made of plastic and couldn't talk or move her limbs. She might have stared at me with a look of sexual hunger in her eyes but that gaze was only a marketing device used to drive up the sale of skimpy overpriced lingerie, nothing more." He ends our interview with these words of advice for the current mannequin rapist: 'Please, think of the mannequins. Turn yourself in."

But until the Mannequin Rapist is caught, no woman behind a shop glass window is safe.

Indy 500 now the Indy 400

2007-05-27T01:03:00.000-07:00

In a move to alleviate its environmentally concerned conscience, the International Racing League announced this morning that this year’s Indianapolis 500 will be shortened to 400 miles. The move follows the decision earlier this year to use 100% fuel grade ethanol in the racecars’ Honda engines, rather than gasoline which currently costs about $3.60 a gallon in central Illinois.

"We thought the move to ethanol was a move in the right direction but we all wanted to do even more for the environment," said IRL Commercial President Terry Angstadt. “That’s when we decided to shorten the race by a hundred miles. Think of all the corn we’ll save the people of Indiana.”

The race will still officially be known as the Indy 500 for marketing purposes, or at least until millions of dollars of new merchandise can be manufactured with the new name. For the time being, according to Angstadt, the Indy 500 will still be the Indy 500, only with fewer laps. Forty fewer laps, to be precise. Instead of racing 200 laps, the 33 open wheel cars will make 160 trips around the oval in the 91st annual competition.

By moving to ethanol and shortening the race, experts predict that the IRL can save the Midwest approximately three hundred thousand dollars, and the world several years of a more beneficial climate. And the future only looks brighter for the sport. There are talks concerning the age old championship tradition, as well.

The tradition started when three-time Indianapolis 500 winner Louis Meyer drank buttermilk in Victory Lane after winning the 1936 race. Until next year.

“Beginning in 2008, the winner of the Indianapolis 500 will drink soy milk,” announced a grinning Angstadt.

Free Publicity

2007-05-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

A special thanks to Joe Bob Jugglin for his guest editorial in the Journalistic Error. His free publicity is very much appreciated...

Woman Saved by Blow Up Doll

2007-05-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

Sex toy acts as floatation device to drowning woman

When Rita Millingham ended a seven year relationship with Rich Sadler a month ago, she cited reasons typical of most women who break up with their boyfriends. There was no chemistry in their love life. They often argued about in-laws and money. She wanted kids; he was happy with a dog. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was when Rita found Rich’s stash of porn beneath the floorboards under the dinner table. “Right under where I fed him dinner, a dinner, I might add, that I slaved over and served every night promptly at seven, he had hidden magazines full of naked women with bigger boobs than me,” recounts Rita.

Only after this discovery, all hell broke loose, and according to Rich, “She freaked out on me. All of a sudden, she’s got these gunked up pages pressed up to her nose and she’s accusing me of having an affair with Miss Nude November even though Miss Nude November has nothing on Miss Anal August. Next thing I know, Rita’s digging through my closet upstairs, pitching my belongings into the front yard. She even tossed Cassandra out the window.”

Cassandra, it was discovered after much probing, is Rich’s blow up doll, and though she was deflated at the time and unharmed in the second story fall, Rich immediately stormed out of the house to check on her safety. “Rita slammed the door in my face,” he told us. “I tucked Cassandra under my arm and was going to boat across the lake until I realized my boat keys were in my overalls still in the bedroom. So I dropped Cassie off in the boat and headed back to the house. Rita was angrier than a hornet with a crooked stinger when I came through the door. She ended up chasing me to my pickup with the iron skillet I bought her last year for her birthday. So I drove to a hotel instead.”

With no other mode of transportation, the next morning Rita packed up her belongings in six heavily crammed suitcases and hauled them into Rich’s 12 foot fishing boat. She’d plucked the boat keys from Rich’s smelly overalls and started on her way to a new life. Little did she know that her inflatable enemy was tucked away in the bow of the boat.

“I was halfway across the lake when I noticed the boat slowing down,” she told us. “I figured that my tightwad ex-boyfriend didn’t put enough gas in the tank. But it turns out all my suitcases were sinking the boat.”

Not knowing how to swim, Rita panicked and started tossing her belongings overboard, but shifting so much weight at once caused the boat to topple and the currently single Rita was soon sinking in her ex-boyfriend‘s favorite fishing spot.

“I thought I was going to die,” she says, choking up. “I saw the boat completely disappear and my luggage floating around me, but couldn’t grab onto any of it. The only thing I could grasp was Rich’s blow up doll, who knows where that came from. While I flapped my arms and legs frantically, trying not to drown, I blew her up. She’s actually very pretty in a synthetic sort of way.”

When a helicopter rescue crew arrived at the scene, they found a very irate Rita, in the middle of the lake with her arms around Cassandra. “Come quick, She’s losing air! Bring lubricant!” the distressed Rita was screaming.

“Our best guess is that a fishing lure penetrated the love doll,” reports Pilot Charles Knox, the superior officer at the scene. “I sent down my fittest private to help the woman in need and approximately 17 minutes later, he was being pulled into the copter with a flaccid woman under one arm and Ms. Millingham under the other.”

Upon further inspection, Rita Millingham seemed to be quite exhausted but uninjured.

She has since patched things up with Rich Sadler, who’s patched up things with Cassandra as well. The two are scheduled to marry next spring.

“Cassandra saved my life,” admits the future Mrs. Sadler. “To show my gratitude, I’ve asked her to be my maid of honor.”

Rich can only beam with joy, “The honeymoon’s gonna be a blast!”

Potent and Impotent

2007-05-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

News from Broken Springs has recently reached a milestone. We’ve been online for less than two years (which is less than half the time our previous publication was online) and we’ve had over 10,000 hits (which is more than ten times what our previous publication had). About this time, coincidently, the last of the “Three Stooges” who once threatened to sue us merely for exercising our first amendment rights (and threatened to arrest us over our last publication) has jumped off the Broken Springs sinking ship. Chief Kingston has agreed to resign. Our fair town is going through some massive changes and I don’t just mean the streets.

We at NFBS believe these changes are generally for the better. Perhaps not for the better of this publication because we’re like a tabloid without celebrities now. But for the future of BS, we’re willing to take one for the team. Good riddance, three stooges. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

Oh, that’s not to say that local stories are a thing of the past. There will always be that silly Broken Springs Village Council making those silly decisions that affect all of our lives. The Village People (as we like to call them around the office water cooler) are consistently stepping on the rake of satire. Thank Heavens. And of course, our satirical fingers are always able to find a target in that quack we have for a President.

Now, to celebrate the passing of Chief Kingston’s tenure as Police Thief, here is a nice racist joke he’d love…

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo same yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Questions Arise over Office Photos

2007-05-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

When Peter Jetson began his presentation about the disarray of the Broken Springs Police Department to the Onoyoko Township Board, he showed a slideshow of pictures taken in the station, including a photo of Chief Kingston's office. But the photograph, which shows a disaster area of papers, condom wrappers, and empty liquor bottles, has come under controversy from those who support the embattled Police Chief.

“The pictures are fake,” insists Peggy Boredom. “I’ve seen the same pictures in the newspapers after the tornadoes ripped through Kansas.”

In addition to the office photo, Jetson also made public a photo of the department’s refrigerator sometimes used as an evidence locker.

“I think they’re photoshopped,” says Lonna Lee Longjohns. “In this day and age it’s not hard to superimpose moldy sandwiches in the evidence fridge. And we can’t necessarily assume that those Corona bottles aren’t evidence in some ongoing investigation.”

“At the very least, that beer is aiding in a current investigation,” added FOJ for Life, Gordo Davis.

Chief Kingston, who’s been busy recovering from an undisclosed illness since March, could not be reached for comment. Sources tell us he goes in for rehab twice a week to the Blue Ship Casino, but the nature of his rehabilitation is unknown.

Officer Mort Allgay, who’s been busy cleaning up the office since both Kingston and Lt. Roy Smegley jumped ship, has recently received a $4.00 an hour raise. “Either we could give him a raise or hire one of the illegal aliens I have working at Hildecrust Holes,” explained Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust, who also added that Jim Kingston’s 31 years of service have been appreciated by both the community and the board. But he was quick to add, “In retrospect, I wish we would’ve gotten him a maid instead of a new car.”

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

And now a dedication to our favorite Police Chief

2007-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Village Council Appoints Corpse

2007-05-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

In an announcement to the press, Village Council President Bob Pezdispenser has verified that the Council has decided on its new appointee to fill the formally vacant position. John Alldead of Daisy Hill Road, was unanimously selected out of a slate of candidates in a top secret meeting held in the President‘s top secret treehouse. Mr. Alldead’s appointment is controversial in the community since the news broke that he’s been dead since 1993.

“Nowhere in the village statutes does it say appointees must be alive,” insisted Pezdispenser in an interview with News from Broken Springs by phone. “And even if it did, John was alive when he served on the council in years past. That’s good enough for us.”

Alldead’s deceasedness didn’t bother anyone else on the Council either. Trustee Stan Chaddwick told us that being a politician in Broken Springs is a lot like being dead already. “Let’s face it,” he said, “If you had a life, you wouldn’t be living in Broken Springs, would you?”

Other Council members remain optimistic about Alldead’s future tenure as Trustee. Curly Headed Sandy, who is just learning to speak without regurgitating the standard Chaddwickian party line, told us that Alldead’s silence will be a refreshing at the meetings. “So far he hasn’t said a word in any of our interviews and that can only mean one thing. He agrees with everything we say. He has to be the least confrontational man alive… er, I mean dead.”

Alldead’s family and friends are proud of their relative's achievements. His wife was tearful when she told us that even when he was being lowered six feet into the ground, she knew her husband was not done making a difference in Broken Springs. His teenage sons are also grateful to the dead man they call dad. “He can’t throw the football around like he used to,” said son Ryan, 16, “In fact, he can’t even catch it anymore. It just bounces off him. But everyone tells me he’ll make a fine village politician.”

Citizen and local troublemaker, Bruce Robertson, told us in an off the record interview that Alldead had not even applied for the job of Village Trustee. He insists that Alldead was hand picked by the Council in an effort to snub all the other candidates.

“Total rubbish!” Pezdispenser responded. “There were no other candidates. No one in their right mind wanted the job. That’s why we had to pick a dead guy.”

According to the many sources we‘ve spoken with, they could not have dug up a better man.

PD a Disorganized Pigsty

2007-05-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

Peter Jetson delivered a stinging address to the Onoyoko Township Board and about half of Broken Springs Thursday night. In it, he equated the Broken Springs Police Department with the Hindenburg, on a path with disaster and full of hot air. Largely to blame for this bleak future is locally beloved Police Chief Jim Kingston who, due to an emergency situation at the Blue Ship casino, could not attend the meeting. Sources tell us a slot machine had taken Kingston’s wallet hostage. There has been no word on whether or not the situation was resolved.

In his critique of the department, which lasted two months, three days, and fourteen hours (but who’s counting?) Jetson showed slides of the area formally known as Jim Kingston’s office. But seeing how Jim’s been off duty for over a month (actually, two months, three days and fourteen hours, but who’s counting?) what used to be a desk is now nothing more than a six foot tall heap of unanswered administrative data. Kingston defenders insist that somewhere in that pile there exists a policy manual. Kingston Kritics are adamant in insisting that the only thing under the pile of papers are more unaccounted for Taser donations. Either way, Jetson’s point was clear. Jim Kingston is a disorganized buffoon.

But is sloppiness such a mortal sin? Jetson implied that Kingston’s disorganized clutter is only a symptom of a much larger problem, that of being a spoiled brat who gets anything he wants from his bosses.

“He’s taken advantage of the commission’s willingness to give him a blank check. He’s got everything he ever wanted, from new cars to vacation back pay, even his own handicapped parking spot at the Village Hall.”

Another issue Jetson took issue with is all of the weaponry and spare uniforms in the evidence room. “We could clothe and arm a Broken Springs militia with all the uniforms and weapons we have. In fact, maybe we ought to. They’d do better than this department.”

Jetson went on to clarify that he wasn’t finding fault with any of the lower ranked officers, as they were often just trying to make lemonade about of old, rotten lemons. But the fault, he said, lies with the Chief himself and the oversight committees whose job it was to keep a leash on the out of control chief.

Such a lack of leadership has in fact “broken” Broken Springs, according to the high paid self proclaimed expert. He emphasized a need to heal the schism and mend our Springs back together.

“The first thing we have to do is bury the Sewer Wars,” he said, referring to the decades old community conflict over how to rid itself of its own feces. “Then we have to have party… a Hatfield-McCoy family reunion, if you will. There should be lots of booze, a pool, and naked Twister. That oughta mend some fences.”

“Lastly,” Jetson suggested, “I think we ought to donate those old uniforms and weapons to a faraway Goodwill. The fewer weapons we have in this volatile community, the safer we’ll all be.”

The Board thanked Jetson for his hard work.

Please Sign Petition

2007-04-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

To: Onoyoko Charter Township

We, the undersigned, fully support and adore the local home town boy made good, now adult, Police Chief of Broken Springs, James Earl Kingston. By signing this petition, we sell our souls to this man, who protects us from the dangerous thugs and unruly teenagers of the tiny metropolis of Broken Springs, Michigan, otherwise known as Little Chicago.

This is an attempt to thwart those buttinskies who have nothing better to do than dig up dirt on this fine man. We fine citizens of Broken Springs don't care if he's potentially broken the law he's sworn to uphold. He IS the law. And he mows a lot of yards for those unable to keep their grass trimmed. He also picks up litter. And he smiles and waves at those people he likes all the time.

Get well soon, Jim. We miss you.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION.

Or view the current signatures before adding your own.

Kingston a Hero, not a sub sandwich

2007-04-09T01:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Editor,

I am writing because I agree with everything Lonna Lee Longjohns wrote on April 4th. Not only do I agree with her every word, I also agree with her every syllable down to her very last consonant, especially when she expressed the lovely sentiment about our current police board, which was (to remind those of you not taking your daily gingko tablet) : Shoot ‘em all !

It’s a shame that the police board should actually police the police chief. As if he’s not being policed enough by the local dirt diggers, not to mention the very expensive big town police consultant they recently hired (at our expense) to evaluate departmental procedures, the board insists on stabbing Kingston in the back with underhanded tactics like granting the poor man never-ending leaves of absence on account of his medical problems. Showing their true colors, these sly devils on the police board have even insisted on paying him during this time off, as if to imply that he already gets paid for doing next to nothing, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Police Chief Jim Kingston has always been a Hero, and I don’t mean a sub sandwich (although he’d make a very good one of those as well… turkey** on rye with a delicious slice of goats head cheese… I’m salivating just thinking about it). He shouldn’t be eaten alive by his critics. Rather, he should be nibbled on and savored for the hero he is, not to mention for his mouth watering sesame seed buns.

We thank you, Jim, for being you. Always remember you’re a hero to the majority of the town, and those who don’t think so don’t know which side their bread is buttered on. To the rest of us, you’re a footlong with extra mayo.

Carol Growackier

**NFBS thinks the author meant chicken.

Happy Bunny Day

2007-04-08T02:01:00.000-07:00

Police Board is a big pain in the snatch

2007-04-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

Editor,

When is the Broken Springs Police Board going to stop this whole oversight nonsense going on? People are trying to harass and destroy the good Jim Kingston over nothing but legal technicalities.

What Jim has endured because of this unnecessary supervision is more human than human. I’ll tell you what he should do. He should hire an attorney to write up letters threatening lawsuit to these troublemakers. And then he should sue the Police Board too, for doing their jobs. That’ll teach them. I don’t even believe in suing people but for these anti-Kingston folks, I do.

The police board needs to go, especially that leader who I won’t even dignify by saying his name. He’s so done I’d like to stick a fork in him. The rest of the board are all yesmen and yes women because if they won’t be, they’ll be treated badly by that Supervisor I dare not mention by name. They should all take a long walk off a short pier.

Hang in their Jim, whatever you decide. The board may not back you, but we fools in the community do.

Sincerely,
Lonna “Longjohns” Jackson

Potent and Impotent

2007-04-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Boy, they’re dropping like flies in Broken Springs, aren’t they?

First Broken Springs’s Finest, Daniel Shame ups and leaves us to take another job (probably where they have tasers). Broken Springs won’t be Broken Springs without him. Then the Mayor resigns, leaving a big seat to fill in Village government. A huge seat. And soon Slaters Supermarket will be Fartings Friendly Market. Is nothing in Broken Springs sacred anymore?

I could see the writing on the wall in the case of Slaters. I first suspected they were in financial trouble when they started getting their shopping carts repossessed. But I guess the day had to come when they finally went under. They overpriced themselves right out of town. I’m one of the few born and raised BSer who never worked at Slaters. I’m neither boasting nor bitching. Just commenting.

All I can say is here at NFBS we sincerely hope Jim Kingston is well on his way to a speedy recovery. If not, our blogging days might be over completely.

Seriously though, Roy Smegley is not nearly the colorful figure that Jim Kingston is. And whoever replaces Jan Chaddwick won’t hold a candle to the headline making ability she had.

As Dylan once said, times… they are a-changin'. Will it be for the better or worse? Only time will tell. And Jagger said that time is on my side (yes it is) so I’m optimistic. And as Jerry Garcia once said, we might be going to Hell in a bucket but at least we’re enjoying the ride…

Private citizen Chaddwick’s parting words were so inspirational, it reminded me of this joke:

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter. "It's
only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what’s happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," she says, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Mayor Resigns !!

2007-03-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Jan Chaddwick, the first elected President of the Village of Broken Springs with a vagina, has turned in her resignation (but not her vagina) to the Council, effective April 1st, no foolin’.

President Pro Tem Bob Pezdispenser, who currently lacks a vagina, will take over the role of President until the Council can appoint a new Vagina in Chief to serve until the September election.

Asked whether he’ll be able to run the Village despite the fact that he’s not a woman, he responded, “Well, I won’t pursue a lawsuit every 28 days and I’ll probably be tearing out the pink carpet in the Village Hall. But other than that, things will stay pretty much the same.”

Ms. Chaddwick has been on the Village Council for eight long years. She seceded Mayorship from the Village’s first non-elected female Mayor, Marian Kiljoy. At the time of Kiljoy’s climb to power, many underestimated the power a mere woman could have in a town that had been run by men for over a century. But Kiljoy set the foundation for a strong Mayorship, which Chaddwick expanded more than many thought was humanly possible. In retrospect, Kiljoy wasn’t half the despot Chaddwick grew to be.

Not that she wasn’t fully grown when she took office…

Among her many achievements, Ms. Chaddwick will forever be known for:

Suing the Township for half a million dollars because they had the gall to bend to the will of their constituents during the Sewer Project Scandal. Proving once again that crap flows downhill, the Township got it in the end. Township taxpayers were flushed out of hundreds of thousands of dollars all in the name of Operation Tidy Bowl, the Chaddwickian pursuit of universal toilets, no matter what the cost or who leaves the lid up.

With the help of the aforementioned lawsuit settlement, Chaddwick helped balance the budget for the Village for the first time since Broken Springs was the county seat. In fact, with a half a mill in the bank, the Village’s budget will be balanced for the next 26 years, respectfully.

Installing two vending machines in the Village Hall lobby, and furthermore, insisting that they always have a full supply of Hostess cupcakes, Twinkees, and Krispy Kremes.

The about-to-be-commenced Street Scrape Project, which will tear up our roads in the pursuit of beautification of our fair city. Long term goals of the project include remodeling Broken Springs to look like a Norman Rockwell painting so that people will no longer throw their gum in the streets or shoot at local businesses with paintball guns.

And last but certainly not least, Chaddwick lent her name to the infamous Cease and Desist letter News from Broken Springs received last year, attempting to censor a legitimate new source such as ourselves. Voltaire’s quote comes to mind: It is the characteristic of the most stringent censorships, that they give credibility to the opinions they attack.

When asked if she would miss governing the Village, Ms. Chaddwick said she'd miss the power but not the criticism. "The people of Broken Springs won't have Jan Chaddwick to kick around anymore," she said.

But that's an exaggeration. It's more like her larger than life frame's been slightly budged around by foot.

Ms. Chaddwick ended her interview with NFBS with the following reflection from St. Peter:

“It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.”

“Especially that last part,” she said, to which we here at NFBS responded with an Albert Camus quote of our own:

"Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear."

Kingston supporters: Hally Ho

2007-03-28T12:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Editor,

It appears as if those doggone Kingston Kritics are at it again. The very few of them (and I do mean very few as the current count stands at -4) are attacking the best police chief ever both behind and in front of his overworked back

No one’s perfect but Jim Kingston comes dangerously close. He’s a fine man whose job description doesn’t include half of the many things he does for the community. Has no one realized that if he didn’t shovel sidewalks in the winter, we’d all be suffocated in snow? If he didn’t mow overgrown grass, we’d all have hay fever and wouldn’t be able to drive to work? And if he didn’t buy all those scratch off tickets at Weedway, our local economy wouldn’t be booming like it is. I certainly don’t see his Kritics ever doing any of these selfless deeds. The only thing they shovel is more garbage to the press about Jim. Jim has done so much for our community, despite being torn a new one by a few meanies. (Very few… since the beginning of this letter the number has dropped to -6.) Jim is always getting knocked down but he gets up again. You’re never gonna keep him down.

Wake up, silent supporters of Kingston, and let your voice be heard. For every one of his Kritics, Jim has three supporters whose families he’s saved or whose relatives he’s kept out of jail. Everyone should remember the acronym WWJD - what would Jim do? I believe he would fight back (if he wasn’t too sick to show up for work) Let’s all get mad and replace the negativity with obedience to what used to be a peaceful Broken Springs community or even fewer people will want to live here than already do now.

Lucianne Grieves

Bartenders and Cops Don't Mix

2007-03-25T19:10:00.001-07:00

Officer Shame, We'll Miss You

2007-03-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

Broken Springs’s favorite Man in Blue has decided to take another job in a neighboring town, leaving our poor town with big elevator shoes to fill.

Officer Daniel Shame, infamous for the size of his bow and arrow, gave his resignation as a Broken Springs Police Officer earlier this week in order to pursue his dream job - modeling Calvin Klein underwear. Unfortunately underwear modeling pays by the inch, and the former officer Shame is only endowed with centimeters, not inches worth of raw talent. As a result, he will be forced to moonlight as a police officer for Niles Township in order to pay his bills.

Now would be a good time to give a big KUDOS to Officer Shame for all of inspiration he’s given the staff of News from Broken Springs. Nobody else might, but we will sorely miss him.

Thank you for all of the wonderful memories, including:

Nearly arresting Cecil Mortin for stealing a Slater’s Supermarket grocery cart. You hauled that cart up in your K9-mobile, only to have it fall out as you pulled out onto Old 31. As you later learned, just as Cecil told you, Slaters allowed him to use the cart to push his groceries home because he doesn‘t have a drivers license. But you were proactive in protecting the safety of that grocery cart. Thanks to you, grocery carts everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief. Well, at least until it crashed to the ground.

I can’t tell you how many young girls’ lives you’ve changed by letting them touch your badge as you kept an eye on the taverns in town. Those girls, guaranteed, will never forget you. No matter how much therapy they get.

Remember Durango, that loveable mutt who couldn’t smell marijuana if you’d pulled over Cheech and Chong? You trained him with your own two feet. When he went to the kennel in the sky, it was clear that Broken Springs PD lost one of its finest members. God bless his furry soul.

Your target practice caught you up in all sorts of trouble but here at NFBS, we understand that all work and no play make Danny a dull boy. Anyway, it could’ve been worse. You could’ve been gambling at the boat or taking a four hour lunch at Subweigh. You could’ve been hunting behind Pri-Mart and accidentally shooting someone in the leg as they pumped their gas.

That reminds me of that time you were hunting behind Pri-Mart and you accidentally shot someone in the leg as they pumped their gas. Boy was that a hoot. But thank you for doing it on your own time and not company time.

And last but certainly not least, thank you for signing your name to that God awful Cease and Desist letter that we received a year ago. You remember that letter, don’t you? It had a lot of big words in it and was filled with legal threats. I know you didn’t really mean it for us since we always write about you in the most positive light possible. You really meant it for your nemesis, Bonii Didjaseedat. But it was awfully nice of you to include little ole News from Broken Springs in all the fun and games.

Daniel Shame, always remember: We’ll miss you more than Britney misses booze. If you’re ever in town, don’t forget to visit. You can even sleep over if you tip a few too many. We have a couch for guests on the front lawn… at least until that worthless Debris Code Officer tells us to get rid of it.

Township Sets Trap for Kingston

2007-03-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

Township Officials Boggled by Chief’s Disappearance

2007-03-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Police Chief Harry Houdini?

The police in the small town of Broken Springs, Michigan, as in other small towns, often search for missing persons. But it isn’t everyday they search for one of their own, let alone their own boss. However, ever since Police Chief Jim Kingston was named in three complaints filed by Broken Springs residents, he’s been harder to find than the criminals he once helped to catch.

Township authorities, anxious to resolve the complaints as quickly as possible, reported earlier this week that Kingston has missed work most of last week and failed to show for the monthly police committee meeting, where the aforementioned complaints were to be discussed. Officially, he’s ill, according to those close to him. His wife even presented the Township Board with a handwritten note from home.

But calls to his home are left unanswered. His mail (most notably his Lottery Digest and Hustler magazines) have yet to be picked up from his PO Box.* And the most haunting clue to his disappearance is the overgrown grass in his front yard.

“Nope, ain’t seen ‘im,” says neighbor Wilbur Reed. “He ain’t even took out his trash.”

Has the 30 year police veteran skipped town? Is he lying low until things quiet down? Or has he simply vanished into thin air? Local police are none the wiser than everyone else. They said it was days before they noticed the Chief was even gone. And since then, they insist that if he doesn’t have a warrant out for his arrest, they’re not all that interested in finding him.

“A man’s got a right to some private time,” says Officer Daniel Shame. “I usually spend mine on the commode just before breakfast. But if Jim wants to take his all at once, that’s his prerogative.”

There are those in town, however, that claim to have spotted Kingston in broad daylight. Some witnesses insist they’ve seen him buying Super Cash scratch offs at Weedway gas station. Others claim to have watched him work a Sudoko while waiting for his Jiffy Lube oil change.

One wild eyed resident even says she saw him sharing a Corona and singing karaoke with Elvis Presley at Coyote’s Bar and Grille. “He better not quit his day job,” she added.

Whenever the elusive Kingston decides to come out of hiding, one thing is for certain. If he sees his shadow, we’ll have six more weeks of winter.

* As of this printing, someone has picked up the Hustler magazines.

From Jimmy

2007-03-14T04:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Broken Springs citizens (and rabble rousers),

It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter from my hammock in the northern part of Florida, sipping a Corona and smoking a big fat Cuban cigar which I’m sure isn’t doing my bad heart any favors. My attorney has just phoned me to advise me that during my temporary hiatus, Lt. Roy Smegley will take over my duties as Police Chief. I have the utmost faith in him to handle all the responsibilities left up to the head position, from mowing out of control grass on the riverbank, to chasing twelve year olds off the streets after curfew. There is no one better capable for this job, other than me. But I unfortunately have a very contagious condition that disables me from performing my duties as the best Police Chief ever.

Fret not, my small town friends (and enemies). My condition is not life threatening, only job threatening. My many doctors have assured me that I am the only one susceptible to this rare disease, which they’ve named “Bonii and Brucitus” after those who’ve given me the serious affliction. Once I recover, if I do recover fully, I’ll still retain the present day 60% of my brain capacities and 32% of my motor functions.

I don’t intend to blame my absence from duty completely on my condition, but I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t notice the first symptoms near the time those three complaints were filed at the Township Hall. Still, I performed my duties to the best of my ability until another - much more common - affliction caused me to accidentally miss Monday night’s Police Committee Meeting, for which I was crucified by local blogs and “newspapers.”

As an aging man in my (ahem) middle forties, I sometimes suffer from CRS. If you need it spelled out, you’ve never had it. Truth be told, and I’m rather ashamed to admit this, I forgot to remind my wife to set the clocks up an hour for Daylights Savings Time the previous Saturday night. I have several witnesses who saw me strolling into church an hour late Sunday morning, right around the end of the Preacher’s sermon. I knew it was nearly over because I could hear Gladys Spitzer snoring in the corner. My wife, bless her platinum blond soul, took the blame for my oversight. And because she’s always right, I didn’t disagree. I just let her redeem herself by setting the clocks ahead after we got home from church. But the silly woman forgot again and come Monday morning I was wondering why the seven o’clock news came on at six.

I wandered in early to the seven o’clock police committee meeting at a quarter to eight, but Katie told me they’d already adjourned and that Ernie was hotter than a premenstrual hornet because I was not there. When I called him later, I figured it was in my best interest to be at least two states away, so I headed to Florida. I had my lawyer call in sick for me at work and that’s where we presently stand.

I expect a full recovery and when I’m reinstated with a proper and much deserved pay increase, I’ll be happy to clear up all those questions concerning Police Manuals and redacted phone logs. Those complications can also be explained away as simply as my temporary leave of absence. In the meantime, Broken Springs, I hope you miss me ten times as much as I miss you. How could you not? In a few more days I bet even my critics will be begging for my return. And being the good hearted soul I am, I’ll never turn my back on our fair town.

God Bless,
James E. Kingston

Police Committee Meeting

2007-03-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

Where’s Jimmy?

On this 12th day of March in the 2007th year, we gather to have a police committee meeting in the small township of Onoyoko, in the medium sized state of Michigan. But what if you threw a meeting and no one showed up?

Well, lots of people showed up for this meeting, minus the one person upon whose very existence was necessary to hold the meeting. But he wasn’t there. I can’t complain much, really. I missed the last meeting because of a date I had with several dead Popes, not to mention the time I spent with the deceased poets Keats and Shelly.

But then again, the Committee isn’t relying on me to give a report each month about how our officers are “busier than usual.”

Before the meeting started, and before I realized that you know who wasn’t there, I felt the presence of two cops behind me. I mean, directly behind me. Probably sticking kick me signs on my back. Officer Allgay, recognizable by his cue ball head (that’s not a dig… I love cue balls) was heard taking a call from the Sheriff, whom he told he’d call back later. But the real question is what will he call him? Sir? Your Highness? Sugarbuns?

Just a guess but I think he’d like that last one.

Just then Officer Allgay pokes me in the back with his pen (at least I hope it was his pen) to make sure I made proper notes of his attire for the meeting. Apparently he mistook the Township Hall for the Kodak Theatre, the cheap white tile for the Red Carpet, and me for Joan Rivers. And I’m just crazy enough to indulge him.

Mr. Allgay, I’m begrudged to admit, was dressed to the nines, but only because he isn’t tall enough to reach the tens. His stylish dark colored khakis contrasted the bright glow of his head in such a way that one couldn’t help but to look at him. All in good fun, Mort. Or should I say… Chief Mort?

Threatening to interrupt my note taking fun, Chairperson Hildecrust calls the meeting to order, but not until after he expresses how the absence of you know who boggles his mind, seeing as how all the important things are happening.

I sympathize with poor Ernie. Having a police committee meeting without a police chief is like putting on shoes without shoelaces. Unless you have Velcro shoes, which we don’t. Or sandels, which are practical in the spring and summer assuming you’ve remembered to clip your toenails and shaved the long black hair off your big toe.

As the minutes pass, and the Chief’s Report isn’t read because there isn’t a Chief there to report it, another cop walks in and sits down behind me, making me feel a bit like a whore in church.

The committee begins talking about buying another car, this one for a grand cheaper, from somewhere else.

Then there is some talk about the union contract negotiations and Ernie gets roped into representing the committee.

Sue Frettin brings up a way to possibly resolve one of three complaints recently filed by citizens against the Township concerning the Chief’s behavior. Resident Bonii Didjaseedat requested the phone logs from Chief Kingston on a day when she suspected he was in contact with a certain someone he shouldn’t have been in contact with. But when she received her FOIA requested log, the entire document was blacker than Benton Harlem at midnight during a power outage. A copy of this log was passed back and forth to committee members and it rather resembled a Rorschach inkblot test. Looks like a guilty conscience to me. The attorney (who looks to have lost some weight) says that Jimmy told him he’d blacked out the numbers from personal calls in the log. Sue Frettin, hoping to resolve this conflict, offers to be the middle woman and look for whatever number Bonii suspects may be on the list. Bonii agrees and hopefully Sue will be able to pry the original, unredacted copy from the grips of Kingston in the future. In the meantime, Bonii asks to see the receipts where Kingston is reimbursing the Township for the personal calls made on his work cell phone. Sue doubts the existence of such receipts and Committee member Bob Frugal quips that there is probably no extra charge depending on what kind of cell phone plan he has.

Ex Commissioner and now ordinary citizen Curly Headed Sandy comments that for a Police Chief who’s on duty 24/7, there are bound to be some personal calls made on his work phone and she doesn’t mind.

No one thought of ringing him up right then to ask why he wasn’t at this all important meeting.

Concerning the other complaints, not much could be said about the incomplete (at best) policy and procedure manual turned over to the Clerk’s office in response to another FOIA request. The Committee had many questions for the Chief, none of which could be answered so long as his seat remained vacant.

Then the bombshell is dropped. Ernie Hildecrust says Jimmy missed most of last week from work and asks everyone’s opinion on whether it’d be prudent to name a substitute Chief. It suddenly dawns on me why the three cops are at this meeting after all. They’re like vultures, about to swoop in on Kingston’s decomposing carcass.

Mort, have I mentioned how handsome you looked tonight?

The attorney advises the committee that it’s not the time to replace Kingston, even if only temporarily. He will make some calls to come to the bottom of things, he says.

As an endnote to the meeting, Bonii asks a question on behalf of Troublemaker Boob about whether or not permission was granted to Officer Keith Mauve February 16th to take his car home to Stevensville overnight. She asks if Hildecrust requested car video footage, as resident Boob asked him to do. Ernie said he had not done so. Sue mentions that the officer may have been needed in court early the next morning, but seeing as how the next morning was a Saturday, well, it was worth a try, Sue. Curly Headed Sandy scoffs at the idea that Bonii is now following Officer Mauve, not to mention Daniel Shame, and Chief Kingston himself. That Bonii sure is a sly one, ain’t she? I wish I could be in three places at one time.

Meeting adjourned at 7:26. Everyone got to bed at a decent hour, thanks to Jim Kingston playing hooky.

Kritics Wrong Again

2007-03-09T11:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Editor,
The Kingston Kritics are at it again, this time raising a stink over a so called phony police policy manual that our hard working and dedicated police chief turned over in response to an intrusive and unnecessary FOIA request. Will these people never shut up? I bet they’d even complain if Chief Kingston washed their cars and vacuumed their floormats. And they need it, trust me. I’ve seen their floormats.

Turning over the policy manual like he did is just another illustration of how dedicated and hard working Chief Kingston is to Broken Springs. Rather than admit there is no Township approved policy in existence, he took the matter into his own hands like a leader would. Committed to abiding by the public’s every whim, including those people who constantly criticize and ridicule him, he gave one of his “bosses” what was requested within an adequate amount of time. Does a pupil get in trouble for handing in their homework on time? No. Nor should he.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself that a pupil should get in trouble for handing in someone else’s homework, or homework they copied from someone else, at the very least. But let me remind you again how difficult it is to put together a police manual. Doing all the work himself would’ve taken him off of Broken Springs very dangerous streets. Thank God Chief Kingston has the good sense to keep his priorities straight.

Sincerely,
Buzz Alcrutch

Like a bad penny, I always come back

2007-02-28T11:56:00.000-08:00

I recently arrived back from vacation, which means Kingston and his Kronies had a vacation too, at least from my sarcastic pen. But as luck would have it, while the cat’s away, the mice will play. And play they did.

There wasn’t much reporting to do in Italy about their Polizia, except the small fact that they dress like fairies... although I quite like the hats. I think hats like these should be issued here just to hide the grey hair and receding hairlines of our officers. In Rome, cops were only armed with a whistle. If they had tasers, they must have kept them concealed in small packages. (Notice the obscenity in the background... if such a statue was in Broken Springs, Jan Chaddwick would be livid.)

I wonder if Jimmy’s new car can outrun this hunk of metal?

Once I got back to home sweet home, I learned that the real excitement was back in Broken Springs. Forget the gladiator games at the Colosseum. Forget the Senate floor where Caesar was killed. Forget Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel. Even forget the Volcano that wiped out Pompeii. Broken Springs has its own Mt. Vesuvius about to erupt.

Stay tuned.

Broken Springs, Italy?

2007-02-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

Kinda reminds you of this, donut?

Have a little fun

2007-02-03T03:55:00.000-08:00

while freedom fightin'...

In Memory of Molly

2007-02-02T00:28:00.000-08:00

The world lost another strong woman this week, but not before she said what she had to say. Her name was Molly Ivins, and after 62 feisty years, cancer was the only thing that could shut her up.

There’s a saying that well behaved women rarely make history and Molly was living proof. She was nothing if not a hell raiser. As a political humorist known for a trademark Texan vocabulary that often spilled into her hard hitting, left leaning editorials, she is best known for coining the nickname “Shrub” to refer to our current periwinkle of a president. In her prolific writing career, she wrote for the Houston Chronicle, the Texas Observer, the New York Times, Minneapolis Tribune, the Dallas Times Herald, and Time Magazine and her freelance work has appeared in Esquire, Atlantic, The Nation, Harper's, and TV Guide, to name a few. Four times she was a best selling author and three times a Pulitzer prize finalist.

But all that’s not to say she was what she might’ve called a high-falutin bigwig reporter or even a career oriented modern day conventional woman. Quite the contrary, she was as down to earth as they come. Perhaps even a bit too down to earth. When she worked for the New York Times, she had a habit of going barefoot in the office. And among her two greatest honors? When the Minneapolis police force named its mascot pig after her and when she was once banned from the campus of Texas A&M.

Molly was never one to pull any punches and as an outspoken feminist, she collected her share of controversy. Her first column for the Star-Telegram began as such:

“Should you happen to contravene a law made by the only politicians we've got, this too will become a matter of some moment to you. For example, if you happen to possess six or more phallic sex toys, you are a felon under Texas law. In their boundless wisdom, our solons decided that five or fewer of the devices make you a mere hobbyist."

Only her first choice of words instead of “phallic sex toys” was dildo, not to be confused with the first name of our current CIA name leaking vice president.

Her satirical wit often targeted the big and powerful, state and federal politicians and big business lobbyists, in other words, those who were often too big for their own britches. “There are two kinds of humor,” she once told People magazine. “One makes us chuckle about our foibles and our shared humanity,” she said. “The other kind holds people up to public contempt and ridicule. That’s what I do.”

And dayum good she did it, too.

On Bush she once quipped, “The poor man who is currently our president has reached such a point of befuddlement that he thinks stem cell research is the same as taking human lives, but that 40,000 dead Iraqi civilians are progress toward democracy.”

On fuel prices: “The price of gas in Texas is now so high that women who want to run over their husbands, have to carpool.”

Molly’s feistiness didn’t waver with illness. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1999, she even joked, “After cancer, there are no more bad-hair days.” In an article titled “Who Needs Breasts, Anyway?” for Time magazine, she matter of factly mixed harsh reality with humor. “Having breast cancer is massive amounts of no fun. First they mutilate you; then they poison you; then they burn you. I have been on blind dates better than that.”

In an America where women are still often silenced, if not as obviously as they were in the past, Molly often didn’t fit in. She needed a bigger America, one that isn’t, in 2007, still debating whether a woman could or should be president. She needed an America with more of an open mind, with which to encompass both her 6 foot wild red headed physique and her sharp often wielded weapon of choice, the mighty pen.

In the end, cancer had the last laugh. But up until she died she never stopped writing. Less than three weeks ago, she wrote her strongest column yet, encouraging mass outrage over Shrub’s latest hair-brained troop surge scheme.

“We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we're for them and trying to get them out of there. Hit the streets to protest Bush's proposed surge. If you can, go to the peace march in Washington on Jan. 27. We need people in the streets, banging pots and pans and demanding, ‘Stop it, now!’”

It isn’t particularly funny, but it cuts straight to the bone, in typical Molly fashion. The only question which remains is will we listen?

Her Archived Articles

Peeks to the Past

2007-01-31T21:07:00.000-08:00

Tiny tidbits of small town news that never made the big town papers…

50 years, 3 months, 17 days ago…

Myrtle Snodgrass of Broken Springs, who is majoring in animal husbandry at Michigan State University, announced her engagement to be married, not to an animal, but to Mr. Henry Samson of Oak Lawn Drive. Mr. Samson, however, tells News from Broken Springs that he can be an animal, particularly a beast between the sheets.

47 years, 9 months, 11 days ago…

Henry and Myrtle (Snodgrass) Samson of Broken Springs have given birth to their third child in as many years, an eleven pound angel named Daniel Henry Samson. Following the happy event, Mrs. Samson announced she is filing for divorce from Mr. Samson, citing continual hardships and ill health. She plans on going back to school and changing her major to elementary education.

43 years, 4 months, 1 day ago…

A minor traffic accident occurred on the corner of Cherokee and Main Streets as Chuck Hickaloy was waiting for Mrs. Smith’s chicken to cross the roadway. Samuel Tyden, who was approaching, failed to stop in time and rear ended Mr. Hickaloy’s ‘57 Ford Pickup. Both drivers were uninjured. The chicken survived as well but was clucking mad at Mr. Tyden’s negligence while behind the wheel, for which he received a traffic citation and a good squawking to from both the chicken and Mrs. Tyden.

37 years, 8 months, 6 days ago…

Ezra Jacobson, 103, the oldest resident of Broken Springs became the youngest deceased resident of Tulip Hill Cemetery Saturday. At 103, he was healthy as a horse but unfortunately not as fast as one. He was hit by a truck while trying to cross U.S. 13.

26 years, 6 months, 27 days ago…

Local resident Arnold “Bottlerocket” Shaw was tragically killed Friday when his Independence Day fireworks show malfunctioned. Friends say Arnie always wanted to go out with a bang.

21 years, 11 months, 9 days ago…

The much anticipated Higgins-Clark family reunion ended prematurely Saturday when Glen Higgins insisted the worst thing any of his sons ever did was marry into the Clark family. Several Clark family members reciprocated the animosity by throwing rocks at many of the Higgins clan. Only an hour after the reunion started, authorities had to break up the melee. No charges were filed but the Higgins and Clark families are planning on separate reunions next year.

Potent and Impotent

2007-01-27T23:17:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everybody!

I don’t know about the rest of you but this weather makes me want to shop ‘til I drop. Fortunately for my wallet, the weather also makes me avoid traveling on anything with wheels, especially in Broken Springs where hand gestures trump street signs. Just tonight I saw someone stopped on Fairy at Main Street, as if the intersection was a four way stop.

To our knowledge, there was only one casualty in the other night’s six hour power outage, not counting the meat in my freezer. The carp that got stuck in the dam, which in turn blew the transformer and shut down the power, didn’t survive, despite many efforts on the part of rescue personnel - including our own recently promoted Daniel Shame, who tried saving the fish by giving it mouth to mouth. It’s no wonder the poor thing died. As if getting stuck in the dam wasn’t bad enough.

But you would’ve thought the Apocalypse itself came to Broken Springs with no power. It makes you wonder how our ancestors survived in a world with no laptops, cable, mp3 players, or cordless telephones. No wonder they had so many kids back then.

Did everyone read Dick Commando’s latest Deep Thoughts letter to the Journalistic Error? If not, pick up a copy and turn to page two. It’s a real doozy. Buried somewhere around page 89 of the paper is another letter, criticizing the Commando letters. As usual, reason takes a back page in our weekly rag.

Here at Broken Springs Manor, we’re huge Chicago Bears fans, unlike that Troublemaker Boob, who’s a pesky Lions fan (has he no taste?) It’s been twenty-one years since Da Bears made it to the Superbowl and Vegas shows them as seven point underdogs. Lord knows I’ve been wrong about much in my life, but I don’t think I’m wrong when I predict that the Bears will pounce on those poor Colts and their precious Peyton Manning. You heard it here first. Bears by six… ten if Rex doesn’t throw any picks.

In the police blotter this week… a couple was driving home one cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying on the side of the road, and the woman saw that it was still alive. She said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He answered, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked him.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

His answer? "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Until next time…
Downward, inside out…

Police Puzzled by Recent Burglaries

2007-01-17T20:20:00.000-08:00

The Broken Springs Police Department doesn’t often get their panties in a twist investigating local crime. Small town criminals usually possess an IQ lower than President Bush’s approval rating, so it’s often a simple thing to crack the workings of a small mind, especially working with a small town mentality. But the latest string of robberies has the local PD scratching their balding heads in bewilderment.

Two weeks ago, several residents began having their personal vehicles broken into as they’ve been parked in Broken Springs. One lady had all of her mascara and a pair of beige pantyhose stolen. A man living on Crass street had his three string banjo taken from his ‘79 Ford Pickup. And a pair of twins attending college had a crucifix taken off their review mirror, and a half eaten ham sandwich stolen from atop their dashboard. In each case, the burglar has busted either the windshield or a back window to gain entry into the cars, and in every case, he’s left behind a most interesting, if perplexing clue: a large rock.

“When we saw the first rock, we initially thought it to be a paperweight,” explained Police Chief Jim Kingston, who graduated top of his Broken Springs class. “It was only after we found rocks of similar sizes at future crime scenes when we realized the burglar was leaving us a clue, perhaps as a signature to his work.”

Officer Daniel Shame, who would’ve graduated at the top of his Ridgemont class if it wasn’t for all the smart kids in his class, believes the burglar is mocking the police department, implying that they’re ‘dumb as a box of rocks.’ “Only there’s only one rock and it’s never been left in a box,” he added.

The precise location of the rocks seem to indicate a hidden meaning, as well. They’re always located directly under the broken window, often with broken glass scattered around them, so they’re the first thing seen by the police.

“We’re dealing with a very intelligent criminal,” said Officer Shame. “We’ve run the rocks for prints and they always come up clean, which means the burglar is wiping them down or wearing gloves. Furthermore, he’s never left a drop of blood behind, despite all of the busted glass. How he manages that, we don’t know. We just know he’s very, very smart.”

Kingston said he’s put out an all points bulletin to Broken Springs residents urging them to be on the lookout for a religious man, probably in his mid thirties, with an interest in country folk music, wearing mascara, eating a ham sandwich on his way to Victoria’s Secret. Anyone with information about these burglaries are asked to contact the department.

Why most cats are skinny

2007-01-12T01:39:00.000-08:00

Police Commission Meeting

2007-01-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

In the second consecutive Monday Morning meeting, nothing much happened. The Township attorney, like nearly the rest of Broken Springs, was out of town. And the most noticeable change in the Commission itself was the presence of its newest member, Sue Frettin,’ who made her presence known by the 35 questions she posed to the Chief throughout the meeting.

At the start of the meeting, the bills and financial report were not ready, but by the end of the meeting, the secretary had them passed out to be voted on.

The Chief’s report was the same old thing, as well. The Broken Springs PD was, as usual, “extremely busy” Complaints were up five percent.

There was a complaint that Dickie’s restaurant was putting too many eggs in their omelets. The Department had to check it out. Another complaint concerned Subweigh skimping out on the meat on their six inch Steak and Cheese. And most importantly, the Teeny Tiny Bakery was accused of omitting jelly from their jelly donuts. All complaints were investigated promptly and diligently. Follow up investigations are still occurring almost daily.

The new car issue came up again, and again Bob Frugal voiced his preference for resolving the issue sooner rather than later. Jimmy Kingston asked very nicely….

“Can we at least have one new car, please please please, with a cherry on top?”

But Ernie Hildecrust, in typical Ernie fashion, pushed for more time, mainly because the Township board is not clear about how dearly their recent divorce from the Village will cost them. Will they lose their assets or not? Will Mayor Jan Chaddwick sue for even more assets than she already has? Only time will tell. Commission Rookie Sue Frettin’ said that even if the Village insists on alimony doesn’t mean the Commission will have to pay it. But since the bids for new cars are good through March, they can afford to wait another month.

We have four cars active on the road, three of them broken in with over one hundred thousand miles. Of the three cars that have the most miles, the oldest is not over four years old and the newest is only two years old, which makes me a bit skeptical on ever buying a Chevy Impala.

The new computer for Diane McDonald is in, but the transition has been anything but easy since Diane was working with the Neanderthal Lotus program and is now learning Windows XP. They should’ve probably waited for Windows CE.

We’ve secured our $2500 grant for our portion of the Livescan system. I somewhat remember what exactly the Livescan system is for, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

There was a follow up comment about a complaint issued at the last Commission meeting concerning cops being seen at Sandra Oh’s Bakery near John Bears Road and Hellywood. Only one officer ever confessed to being around that area but only for a traffic stop, and only to turn around in their driveway. He denied ever having consumed any bakery goods while there, and saliva swabs confirm his story. Chief Kingston has not heard from the troublemaker… er, I mean complainant about the issue, so as far as he’s concerned, her story was as full of holes as the donuts his cops didn’t eat.

There was a sixteen year old touching people inappropriately around Anthony’s University. There was a sexual suspect arrested in Georgia on Christmas Eve… he was seen wearing a red suit and asking children to sit on his lap. The department told these suspects to keep the inappropriate touching where it belongs, in the local bars after hours.

There were also a couple B&E’s recently. Keith Mauve, infamous for his burglar intuition, investigated a burglary Friday night on Gruff Street. Another B&E involved a male suspect making sexual innuendos to young males, around Morningwood Drive. Boy we’re horny in Broken Springs. Perhaps we need a brothel?

The Commission then started talking about future meeting dates. Rookie Sue Frettin’ prefers Friday mornings for future meetings, but the two farmers on the Commission aren’t so keen about coming in on mornings. Temporarily, however, it’s decided that 7 AM is a better time than 10 AM, so the next meeting will be Monday, February 12th, before the roosters crow or the sun comes up. Personally I love this time, as it’s usually right before my bedtime. Loyal NFBS readers will have to rely on other write-ups next time, however, because next month it’s my turn to be one of those “out of towners.”

By the end of the meeting, the bill report is ready and voted on. At this time, Rookie Sue informs Kingston that she would like a personal tour of the Police Department via Diane McDonald, just in the interests of being better informed about police matters. Kingston grudgingly nods in response.

Get well soon, Phil Ruse!

Reno 911: Miami

2007-01-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

In movie theaters February 23...

Wig Thief Escapes by a Hair: Later Netted

2007-01-03T00:26:00.000-08:00

After escaping capture by a hair last week, the wig thief who has terrorized downtown Broken Springs has finally been netted. The arrest was made after the suspect was spotted sweeping up hair clippings from a local hair salon. Samuel Kevin Browning was apprehended on charges of hair theft, destruction of personal property, and fleeing and eluding a police officer. If convicted of these violations, Browning could face up to five years in a federal penitentiary and many more years of psychological counseling to cope with his inevitable public ridicule.

“I’m so relieved that menace is off the streets,” said 87-year-old Claire Thompson, clutching desperately at her curly brown locks. “My girlfriends and I were scared to go out at night.”

Browning’s reign of terror, dubbed locally as the ‘Hair Scare’ began earlier this month when Browning, a former Cub Scout and avid Chia Pet collector, began robbing unsuspecting older women of their wigs in random Broken Springs restaurants.

“I was having a quiet dinner with my husband,” recalls 73-year-old Deborah Searing, “when I excused myself to the ladies room to tinkle. As I sat there attending to my lady business, a masked man leaned over the door and swiped at my face. I managed to jump out of his reach but my wig fell off my head and into the stool,” she told us, too embarrassed to tell us what happened next.

Officer Daniel Shame continues the story of the suspect‘s escape. “The elusive wig didn’t dispel the assailant from reaching into the commode to retrieve the stolen goods. At that time he fled the scene, splashing a trail of toilet water down the hall and into the parking lot. After several minutes of lapping up evidence from the toilet, our K9 unit tracked the suspect out of the restroom and past several fire hydrants. But the track eventually dried up, leading us to a dead end.”

“Wouldn’t that be more of a split end, Officer?” we interjected.

“Yes, the case was a real head scratcher for awhile But Browning was caught by the hair of the dog that bit him. He couldn’t keep well enough away of the city’s hot spots where we had round the clock surveillance on every wig in Broken Springs, and we finally combed the rat out. That‘s the last time he‘ll be tangling with Broken Springs police.”

In all, the Wig Thief victimized six people, only four of whom have recovered their hair unharmed. One of those hairpieces, strategically placed on a snowman outside of Dollar General, belonged to feisty octogenarian Velma Collins, who made this statement to the press: “They should lock the bastard up and throw away the key,” while expressing further comments with distinctive hand gestures not fit for description.

Three more victimized wigs were found in Browning’s home, two lining Browning’s kitty litter boxes and the other cleverly used as a bag for his bowling ball. “I’m so happy to have my hair back,” said 98-year-old Sophie Harper while dusting Tidy Cat out of her wig, “I hope they put that animal behind bars where he belongs.”

Evidence shows that Browning also used individual pieces of hair from the wigs as dental floss and authorities even found what they believe are Martha Hooper’s long silver hairs strung through Browning’s fishing pole.

Asked to explain his behavior, the bald as a cue ball 32-year-old Browning said, “I wanted to be a barber but my parents insisted I attend law school instead. Hair has so many under appreciated practical uses but unfortunately I can‘t grow any of my own. Once I learned that hair could be had for free by sweeping up the hair salons and barbershops, I realized that stealing wigs was a real hair brained idea. But the damage has already been done.”

Browning will be defending himself at his upcoming trial. Sources tell us he plans to plead not guilty by reasons of temporary insanity.

“Sanity… it comes and goes,” he quips with a smile. “Hair today, gone tomorrow.”

Brown Socks

2006-12-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

This story is a part of the Spec the Halls contest for speculative winter holiday-themed fiction, artwork, and poetry. You may find descriptions of and links to other entries at http://www.aswiebe.com/specthehalls.html

It was Christmas morning when I decided to kill Santa. He brought me socks again, you see. And they’re brown socks, as if being socks isn’t bad enough already. My sister got exactly what she wanted - a Barbie doll with a pink corvette. Yes, she stuck it in my face before the wrapping was all of the way off. “See what I got from Santa?,” she said. “What did you get, Brian? Huh? What did you get, huh, huh?” I held up my brown socks. The pink corvette flew by them like an airplane. Left behind in its exhaust were my brown, ugly ass socks.

Mom and Dad say I shouldn’t say such words. Profanity is not fitting for an 8 year old boy, my mom says. Neither is murder, I’d assume. But you can bet your ass I’ll kill that damn Santa for bringing me those ugly brown socks.

A burning rage welled up in me that morning. All day I thought and dreamed about the death of Santa. I planned my strategy, plotted the murder. My first instinct was to stab him. His bleeding skin would match nicely with his red suit and his reindeer’s red nose. But that would be too messy. Mom would get mad if I got blood on the carpet. So then I thought Santa should eat a bullet. Dad had taught me to fire his shotgun a year ago. I could stick the shotgun up the chimney as Santa’s coming down, then light the fireplace to destroy the evidence.

Perfect. At Santa’s ninth hour. I’d sleep on the couch, handy shotgun by my side and listen for his sleigh on the roof. Surely his jolly self would startle me awake. But what if my aim was bad? Or worse yet, what if he armed himself? You couldn’t be too careful sneaking into strangers houses in the middle of the night. I needed a backup plan. Then it hit me. Rat poison in the cookies. Mom always had a box of D-con lying about somewhere. I could stick a few of those green pellets in the middle of some Oreo cookies. And if Santa pulled a gun on me, I could lull him to his fateful death with milk and cookies.

The year flew by. Soon it was Christmas Eve of the following year. Sleepily waiting on the couch, I was startled by every noise. I checked three times to see if I’d loaded the gun, which I had. The night progressed, and the noises continued. “Probably mice,” I thought aloud as I looked at the cookies on the table beside me. I’d taken all their D-con.

Another bump, and my heart raced. I heard footsteps on the stairs.

“Brian, what are you doing up?!” My mom’s words echoed off the walls and I worried she’s scare away Santa. I jumped up, the gun toppling off my lap.

“I was hungry,” I quickly lied, and she noticed the rifle. Her mouth opened wide. “I was scared of burglars,” I said.

Just then Santa started down the stairs, which were nowhere near the chimney, and he said to my mother in a voice much like Dad’s, “What’s he doing up?”

“Hold it right there!” I raised the gun, pointing it towards his head. Dropping his bag of presents, his mouth dropped open. When it did, his beard began falling off.

“Brian, it’s me. It’s your dad. Put the gun down!” He pulled the beard all the way off, and his red hat off his head. What my father was doing in a Santa costume I’ll never know, but sure enough, it was him.

I put the gun down, as my mother muttered again and again, “You’re in so much trouble.”

Dad came over and unloaded the gun, then grabbed me by the shoulders. “What were you thinking!” he yelled, bullets in his palm. I was utterly humiliated. I looked to the presents that had fallen down the stairs. Brown socks peeked out of an opened box that had my name on it. “What do you have to say for yourself?” Dad was asking.

“Dad,” I said sincerely, and waited.

“Yes son?”

“Have a cookie.”

Police Thief Still Chief

2006-12-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

Questions linger about local charity and Chief's webbed feet...

For most people in Broken Springs, Christmas means many things. It’s the time of year to spread holiday cheer, or at least refrain from killing those who almost run you down at Walmart. It’s a time of giving instead of not giving a damn, and it’s a time when every house has a surplus of chocolate and sugar coated candies, usually stuffed in tiny stockings and given as last minute gifts. But for many in our fair city, Christmas is also a time to donate to a local well known charity run by a local well known ordinary Joe, only his name ain’t Joe and it turns out he ain‘t so ordinary. The charity is Operation Christmas Care Bear and the Ordinary Joe is Police Chief Jim Kingston.

Unfortunately for those few generous Broken Springers with an IQ in the triple digits, if their charitable donation to Operation Christmas Care Bear is just a ploy for a tax deduction during America’s second favorite holiday, Tax Day, the news that everyone’s favorite charity isn’t legal might come as a shock, especially if you file long form. But reality is often stranger than fiction, even clever satirical fiction dreamt up by a local Gonzo wannabe.

Just why isn’t Christmas Care Bear registered with the state of Michigan as a legal charity? According to Kingston’s unbiased pro-bono (and anti-Cher) lawyer, Bill Marcus, the charity is in the process of registration that has so far taken approximately twenty years. “We had our information on file when Lansing introduced their new state of the art Commodore 64 computer system. Then we were requested to resend our tax information so they could transfer it to 5 ½ inch floppy disk. Next thing you know, they were using 3 inch hard floppies, then CDs and now they’re asking us to send in either a flash drive or a link to our myspace profile,” explains Marcus. “Jim’s charity has always been very informal because no Broken County employee above the age of 16 can even type using all their fingers, let alone set up a myspace profile. So the process of registration has been a lengthy one.”

Others in the community question the ethical code of a Police Chief who’s gotten his hand caught a few too many times in the cookie jar. “I’m not saying he’s a thief but he’s tried to cash checks that were not his to cash,” says Broken Springs village leader Robert Boob. “Then there was that one time all that Senior Bingo money came up missing and Jim’s department came up empty in their investigation. But come on, where’d he get that new Corvette?

Kingston defenders insist it was a Pinto and not a Corvette.

“I’m just saying, if it talks like a duck and it walks like a duck, then it damn sure ain’t no chicken,” summed up Kingston‘s loudest critic. When asked if he was calling the Chief a duck, Boob answered, “If the quack fits.”

Chief Mallard could not be reached for comment.

Whether or not Christmas Care Bear gets registered, one thing is for certain. Chief Kingston could sure use a decoy.

Police Committee Meeting

2006-12-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

Since there is no longer a Police Commission, meetings are now informally held at ten in the morning on the second Monday of each month. Why they chose this time is beyond me, but I’m cool with it because it doesn’t interfere with my pool league. As a result of the split, the women of the former Commission are no longer allowed to sit at the front table, although they‘re still unfortunately allowed in the door. Curly Headed Sandy’s spot at the front table was taken by the new Police Committee Attorney, Bob Grandluff, who doesn’t dress nearly as stylishly as former Commission Attorney, Charlie Amnesia. But to his credit, he also didn’t show up late. In Jan Chaddwick’s chair there remained only the imprint of her butt cheeks from the last meeting. That sight alone was worth getting up early for.

There are new rules, as well. The new Committee isn’t allowed to vote. Their job is merely to recommend proposals to the Township Board based on informal discussions. With this in mind, they recommend that the Township Board accept the financial statement and Chief’s Report.

They look over the budget and someone asks why our tire expense is so high. We buy tires 16-20 at a time, particular during the winter, insists Chief Kingston. We go through more rubber than Bill Clinton in a whorehouse. Our tire budget is second only to the Daytona 500.

We’ve had transmission problems in cars 4 and 5, which means that they can’t communicate with their crew chief or the pit crew.

Criminal activity is up on the barren streets of Broken Springs. Holiday season is among us. And what better way to spell out the Christmas spirit than with rampant crime?

As requested, Chief Kingston has gotten the price for two new cars. The good thing about new cars is they come with four brand spanking new tires. But the bad thing about new cars is they cost between 18,000 and 18,800. That’s about forty five hundred a tire, if I can trust my Broken Springs math. Tack on mirrors and police equipment (not to mention an awesome stereo), 19,500. Safety of the officer is at stake, since the car is their main tool, at least according to the head officer.

There are 145,000 miles on car #5. No wonder Kyle Busch cannot win a race. Bob Frugal asks if that’s the time a car needs replacing. The Chief says 80-90,000 is the ideal time to replace a car. He says you can get an old car refurbished so it’s like new for 13 grand, but that makes no sense when you can buy a new one for 18.

In other words, saving five thousand dollars makes no sense to Kingston. He obviously went to Broken Springs Schools too.

In the past a squad car was replaced each and every year but they stopped that because they were worried that the millage wouldn’t pass.

Ernie Hildecrust says they should wait and see. They table the proposal to buy two new cars. Not to be outdone, Jim Kingston then asks for one car.

The Committee says it must first wait to see how messy the divorce from the Village is.

We can afford, however, a new computer for Diane McDonald with which she can read the current issue of News from Broken Springs. Cost: $800.

There’ve been several instances of paintball damage around town, and police have a possible suspect in mind who drives a Grand Prix. You hear that, Paintball Thug? Time to switch cars. I don’t recommend Chevy Impalas, as they tend to have transmission and brake problems.

There was a close call on a front porch where a paintball came 12 inches from an elderly lady’s head. That explains her blue hair.

Officers have been extremely busy with drug busts as well. Heroin and Crack have been on the rise. Kingston even tells us where the loot is: in the Meadow Lane, Dogwood area.

There have also been lots of frauds, illegal lotteries, and scams. But enough about Christmas Care Bear…

Phil Ruse asks why our cops are going to other townships without compensation. For instance, we went fourteen times to St. Joe. I couldn’t hear all of this conversation over Curly Headed Sandy’s grumbling from the crowd but I did catch Kingston say that we’re not necessarily going there looking for crime, just coming across crime in those areas. It’s just a matter of being in the wrong place at the right time, which happens to us all the time.

Bonii Didjaseedat asks from the crowd whether or not any officer was involved in transporting Jeremiah Narc to his second polygraph test. Kingston reworded her question before answering, in the negative. When pressed on whether or not he’d transported Narc, he said yes, but only because he was on duty at the time, and only because he and the Prosecuting Attorney intimately discussed the matter and decided that it’d be in the entire family’s best interest for the alleged child molester to take another - preferably easier - polygraph examination. This was in an effort to leave no stone unturned in their investigation, which is now closed, by the way.

Bonii also insists that she’s seen and videotaped police cars at a bakery out of their jurisdiction. Kingston insists that his officers can’t stave off their constant craving for jelly filled doughnuts and must occasionally stop for their own safety. Curly Headed Sandy, from her comfy seat in the audience, lets the committee know that she doesn’t have a problem with our officers wasting taxpayer time and money to binge on Krispy Kremes and hot dogs.

Meeting adjourned.
Good thing too because I really wanted to go back to bed.

Santa Coming to Coyote’s Bar and Grille

2006-12-07T03:05:00.000-08:00

On Friday, December 15th, Santa and his servant elves will drop into Broken Springs, according to a press release from the North Pole. According to the Top Secret Yuletide Memo, Santa himself will be unable to attend the event, due to an unforeseen outbreak of gonorrhea. But a Santa replacement will be on hand to sit in for Big Red. This year that honor goes to local national Dr. Phil celebrity, Jeremiah Narc. From 4 to 7, any area children will be able to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. Area kids will also be able to get their mug shot taken with him and for an extra ten dollar charitable donation to Chief Kingston’s Christmas Care Bear Foundation, local parents can buy a trip for their offspring in Santa’s sled, which is currently Jeremiah’s uninsured rusty green Ford Bronco with expired license plate tags.

“Just remember Christmas Care Bear is not yet officially registered with the state, so claim the donations on your taxes at your own risk,” reminded Kingston.

“It’s sure to be a festive event,” said Coyote’s owner Roger ‘the Codger’ Jones. “Jeremiah will make a great Santa because he loves kids. No one can argue with that. If anything, he loves them too much, especially that daughter of his.”

When asked if his wife will be dressed as Mrs. Claus, Jeremiah said he’d recently caught her having an affair with one of the elves. Her attendance is unlikely, unless she can figure out how to untie herself from the stove.

Potent and Impotent

2006-12-06T01:19:00.000-08:00

Wow… Broken Springs is now famous. Thanks to Dr. Phil, the random googler searching our fair city will now suspect that we’re all a bunch of white trash perverts. Is it true that Michael Jackson has bought property here?

I want to thank the many people who have approached me and/or my family about these silly articles I write. It means a lot to me that I can bring a smile to your face in the midst of dreary reality. The way I see it is Broken Springers have earned the comic relief.

I’d like to give literative fellatio to Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust for finally growing a pair in regards to the Police Commission. For too long we’ve spoiled the Village with double representation. Make them grovel, Ernimator. That’s what they get for playing the safety card.

Winter is almost here and haven’t we all missed it? I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m looking forward to seeing that huge pile of plowed snow across the street from the Post Office. There’s nothing that screams Broken Springs more than a humongous eyesore that obstructs your intersection visibility.

I’m all for practicality, so here are some useful tips that can be applied any time of the year:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. I recommend our Mayor.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat toilet by simply using the sink. You also save money by not flushing.

4. For high blood pressure blood sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, strategically placed on top of your alarm clock , will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you’re guaranteed to forget all about the toothache.

8. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Until next time,
Downward and backwards…

Worst police dog in the world.

2006-12-01T03:26:00.000-08:00


Pluto the police dog is useless. His handler is pretty poor too(with all respect).

Shocking Break Up! Township Dumps Village

2006-11-16T05:27:00.000-08:00

Forget Britney and K-Fed… this is the real matrimonial meltdown

After thirty five years of serious courting, the Broken Springs Village Council and the Onoyoko Township Board have decided to sever all ties. The divorce was finalized at Tuesday night’s Township Board meeting, but the rocky relationship fell into the sewer many years ago.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” says Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust. “But I was getting tired the constant nagging and all of the arguments. Sure, the makeup sex was nice, but a healthy relationship needs love and respect as its foundation, not a box of Trojan XLs and a bottle of Viagra,” added the feisty old coot.

Sources close to the couple insist finances also played a factor in the split.

“Every relationship is a learning experience,” commented Township representative Bob Frugal. “This one taught me that the key to compatibility is separate bank accounts.”

Among the many disagreements between the two municipalities, the biggest was the amount of allowance to give the Commission’s often controversial and rebellious offspring, the Broken Springs Police Department. With the breakup, the Township will likely retain custody of the Department, but insiders say that ugly legal custody battles are expected.

“The Village Council believes money grows on trees, and I’m here to tell you if it did, I’d own a nursery,” said trustee Dorothy Hildecrust (no relation). “The Village never had to be the primary breadwinners of this family. Every time we turned around, they wanted more money for something else. Tasers, new cars, elevator shoes, Kevlar vests, even a new family drug dog. We always footed the bill. They (the Village Council) don’t know how to tighten their belt because they’ve never even had to wear a belt. We’ve been spoiling them with bigger pants and elastic waistbands.”

The final nail in the coffin for the three decade old union came last week when the Township tried to reschedule a date with the Village. The Village thought they were being stood up and got a little loose lipped after a few too many Coronas at Coyote’s Watering Hole Friday night. By the next morning, the local media ran the slanderous gossip as front page news. As the Township sipped its morning coffee and read the newspaper, it decided to end it once and for all.

The drastic news came as a shock to followers who thought the Township and Village would be together forever. The coupling was blissful in its early stages, even culminating at one point to mutual heart shaped tattoos. Passersby can still see the etching in the tree bark at Weather Park behind the Township Hall: OT Heart VC. But nothing is forever, and they couldn’t pass the test of time. But thirty five years together is still nothing to shake a stick at, insists those who believe that fate will bring them back together.

After the announcement Tuesday night, the Village’s Bestest Friend Forever, Gordo Davis begged and pleaded for the Board to give the Council one last chance to make things right. But the Township would hear none of it.

As of this publication, the rumor that the Township is wooing the Sheriff’s Department for its next long term commitment is unconfirmed.

Only in Arkansas...

2006-11-14T04:59:00.000-08:00

Jay Leno and Chicken CPR MUST WATCH! FUNNY | Send To Friends | Animation Videos at JibJab

Local Man Cleared by Police Chief

2006-11-10T05:32:00.000-08:00

A local man accused of sexually molesting his toddler daughter was recently cleared by the local police after being thrown to the wolves on last week’s nationally syndicated Dr. Bill talk show. Jeremiah Narc was given full custody of not only his daughter, but his ex-girlfriend’s twelve other children in a ruling made by Judge Babs Ragginmore. The ruling came as a complete shock to the mother, her family and friends, and nearly 300 million other people nationwide. But one person who was not surprised was Broken Springs Police Chief Jim Kingston.

On last week's show, Dr. Bill assured Jeremiah that the polygraph test could be done in his hometown and thus be completely fair. And if there's any one name synonymous with fair, it's Jim Kingston.

“There are two sides to every story. I’m just happy I could assist in administering justice,” Kingston said before a crowded press conference held in front of the Village Hall. “Mr. Narc is a nice young man unfairly accused. I’m only relieved I helped clear his good name before Oprah got ahold of him.”

Jeremiah’s story was broadcast nation-wide last week after his daughter’s troublemaker grandmother sent the Dr. Bill show tapes of the girl saying he touched her “PP.” Narc, all along, claimed his innocence, insisting that the only PP he ever touched was his daughter’s Pink Panther stuffed toy. Furthermore he insists that Pink Panther enjoyed every minute of it.

“I don’t like to brag but,” said Jeremiah standing alongside Kingston, “I have quite a reputation with the ladies.”

“Ahem,” interrupted the protective Police Chief before Jeremiah could continue, “Mr. Narc was cleared of all possible wrongdoing when he passed a polygraph test administered by myself and other unbiased women haters in our department.”

When pressed by spectators and local media about the nature of the polygraph test, Kingston displayed photographs of Jeremiah and the machinery used to determine his innocence.

“But that looks like nothing more than a Bionic Ear,” yelled out Channel 22 News.

“And why does the suspect have a colander on his head?” inquired WNDU.

Kingston was adamant that the instrumentation used was all state of the art, modern technology. “We’re on the cutting edge of science here, folks. This ain’t no Mayberry. The headphones are used to pick up on the person’s heartbeat. The cylindrical disc is used to amplify those heart palpitations that occur when a person is lying. The binoculars are used to pinpoint any suspicious sweating. The cranial device is used to notice electrode activity in a person’s brain waves. In Jeremiah’s case, we couldn’t pick up any brain waves, let alone suspicious electrode activity. This machinery is about as up to snuff as you can get for our minimal police budget.”

“How can you be sure?” inquired a man in the back who was quickly beaten to the floor with his own cane.

Chief Kingston answered, “I’m absolutely positive because I had it tested on me first.”

Voter Guide

2006-11-07T02:24:00.000-08:00

Today is election day, and if you’re anything like me (let’s hope not) you’ll be whistling over your morning breakfast at the thought of taking part in the wonderful democratic practice. Election day is my Superbowl Sunday. Every first Tuesday in November I’m like a baby in a titty bar. And if you think about it, it’s a lot like legalized gambling. Only you can’t win money… just good policies. And you can’t really lose anything that you haven’t already lost. At least not immediately. I mean other than your soul... but who needs a soul?

Our very own Journalistic Error had a “Voter Guide” enclosed this week, assuring that those of us too stupid to make up out own minds could still take part in the democratic process. Because I know that a lot of people are guilted into voting, I’m here to offer my help as well. Here are some things to keep in mind when you cast your ballots today. And because this is a satirical publication, some of the following will fly in the face of truth and reality just for a giggle. For your benefit, those statements will be in red.

In the race for Governor of Michigan, we have ex-Hollywood starlot, incumbent Democrat Jennifer Granholm verses that anti-public school, beady eyed, filthy rich Amway Republican, Dick DeVos. A lot of people have criticized Granholm because Michigan’s economy is the worst in the nation, right behind Cuba. But Granholm defenders will argue that she inherited the biggest deficit in the history of civilization and four years with an obstructionist Republican legislature isn’t even enough time to air out the stench Engler left in the State Capitol’s bathroom, let alone balance the books. Some people insist Dick would be a good governor because he’s an effective businessman. He’d lead Michigan out of the red and into the black even if it meant outsourcing all of our jobs to China while Jennifer would just gripe about unfair trade agreements. Some people think Dick would just be another self serving politician and if there’s one thing we don’t need, it’s another dick in politics. Some people will vote against Granholm because of her strategically placed mole on her right cheek.

Dick’s views on women are suspect. In the debates he said he opposes a woman’s right to choose even in the case of rape and incest, not including cases of alien abduction. He’s also come out decidedly pro-disease, opposing embryonic stem cell research even if the embryos are to be discarded anyway. He also never recycles. Not even his hair spray cans.

Personally I’m voting for Granholm because she wants every college bound young adult to have four thousand dollars to begin their education. While that sort of plan has been attacked by Republicans as too expensive, it would pay for itself in the long run.

Rookie Senator Debbie Stabenow will face off against ex-Oakland Sheriff Michael Bouchard. Nobody knows anything about Bouchard other than he used to be in law enforcement. And as we clearly all know, Stabenow has red hair. The race has been, for the most part, clean and therefore boring. What I want to know is how can a Californian run for one of Michigan’s two Senate seats? I’m voting for Debbie because I know better than to vote against a redhead. Also because I want to break the Republican majority they have on the US Senate. It’s only fair since they’re going to take Tennessee because of this racist ad.

On a more local scene, US. Representative Fred Upton is defending his Republican seat for the 6th District against well mannered, well dressed Kim Clark. Word is once Fred found out he was running against Kim Clark, he said, “She doesn’t stand a chance.” He learned only days ago, after numerous misstatements on the campaign trail that Kim isn’t short for Kimberly. Kim Clark is actually a well respected and successful businessman, professor, and ordained minister. He’s also a fiscal conservative. Upton, meanwhile, is most known for raising the cost of vulgarities on television in a dangerous post Janet Jackson Nipple Slip world. To his credit, Upton supports modern medicine (aka stem cell research) but three quarters of the time he also supports the evolutionally challenged President. Even if Upton is no more than a rubber stamp Bush Yes Man, he’s unlikely to lose his warm seat in Washington, which is all the more reason to vote Kim Clark for Congress.

In a much closer race, Niles Democrat Judy Truesdell is trying to unseat Republican Barodian Neal Nitz. And trust me, it’s hard to unseat a Pork Lover like Nitz. It would be state history if she did. Judy (Judy! Judy!) is trying to become both the first woman and democrat to represent the 78th District in the state. Bill Ballenger, publisher of the Lansing-based biweekly newsletter "Inside Michigan Politics” has even gone so far as to label the race as a tossup. Why is Nitz suddenly on the hotseat? He can’t be accused of voting with Bush since he’s not in Washington. He hasn’t sent any provocative emails to political pages (that we know of). In fact, he poses no threat to anyone in the 78th district other than the those hooved residents named Porky and Babe who are currently unregistered to vote. The reason Judy is hot on Neal’s tail can be summed up with one word: trash. She opposes it. Nitz, a seasoned politician, realizes that trash is a big part of politics.

I’m always amazed at how politics makes such strange bedfellows. For example, the Republican Nitz beat in the primaries recently said, "Neal has the ability and experience to make changes in Michigan. Neal's agricultural background, business experience and his four years of legislative experience make him my choice.” Yet in February of this year, this same candidate said, “I want to go to Lansing to put Southwest Michigan first. Too many politicians today are more concerned with Lansing politics than serving the folks that elected them. The people of Southwest Michigan deserve a representative that will put the community’s interests ahead of special interests….” He also said, “We don't just need better representation, we need representation, and I'm not shy about saying that.” What a difference seven months make!

Well, I’m not shy about saying this: I’m proudly voting Judy Judy Judy for state representative. Join me and make history.

There are also five important proposals on Tuesday’s ballot. A very informational and unbiased resource for research on these proposals can be found here. I strongly encourage everyone to at least skim through the arguments for and against each proposal. But to assist in these time strapped days, I’ll simple copy and paste some of the passages I found enlightening… Click on any of them for further reading. Troublemaker Bob also has nice summaries on his blogsite here.

Proposal 2006-01: Constitutional Protection of DNR Funds

Moving these DNR funds into the Constitution would eliminate the chance of the accounts being raided to balance budgets in the future. It grants significant protection to these restricted funds and ensures that the user fees are spent on programs for which they were collected.

It seems straight forward enough to vote to protect funds collected for one thing from being used for something else. But like TB says, I tend to believe that the government needs some flexibility in their checkbook. For example, just last week I used all of my grad school money to fill my car up with gas. It just seemed a bigger priority at the moment.

Proposal 2006-02: Michigan Civil Rights Initiative

One of the few things I remember learning in college is that sometimes in the course of history, a group manipulates language to call themselves the opposite of what they truly are, such as the National Socialist German Workers' Party, more commonly known as the Nazis. There was nothing Socialist or Pro-Worker about them. This initiative is another such attempt at language manipulation, depending of course on whom you believe needs their civil rights better protected.

This proposal seeks to amend the Michigan Constitution by adding a Section 26 to Article 1 “to ban affirmative action programs that give preferential treatment to groups or individuals based on their race, gender, color, ethnicity or national origin for public employment, education or contracting purposes.”

If Proposal 2006-02 passes, it will not outlaw all affirmative action programs in the state. Only those that grant preferential treatment to individuals or groups on the basis of
minority status or gender would be invalidated by this amendment. However, determining what constitutes preferential treatment would be left to the Michigan
court system.

If passed this bill could hurt the University of Michigan. As an avid Notre Dame fan, I’m tempted to vote for it just for that reason. But that’s still not a good enough reason.

After the 2003 Supreme Court decisions, UM was forced to change its undergraduate admissions policy. It is still allowed to have a race-conscious admissions program, but the point system has been discarded and applicants are reviewed individually and holistically with race representing only one possible aspect of diversity. While academics continues to be the most important factor in admissions, non-academic factors considered in the admissions process include personal interests and achievements, alumni connections, race and ethnicity, family income, and family educational background. None of these factors has a fixed weight in the admissions process. Each application is evaluated by two people before going to a senior-level manager in OUA who makes the final decision. If Proposal 2006-02 passes, UM will no longer be able to consider race, ethnicity, or national origin as a plus factor in the admissions process as it now does in its undergraduate and graduate admissions programs.

And this passage is the one that seals the deal for me:

If any specific programs at the undergraduate or graduate level provide preferences in admissions based on gender (e.g., engineering programs preferring female applicants or nursing programs preferring male applicants), they will be impacted by passage of this proposal. Any programs at public universities that operate to provide any kind of preferential treatment (through admissions, outreach, scholarships, etc.) based on minority status or gender may be affected by passage of the proposed constitutional amendment, depending on its interpretation by the courts.

Got that? Not enough girls interested in math and science? Forget giving a state funded female based scholarship to encourage women in scientific professions. Want more women in Congress? Eighty-five percent of Washington politicians are white males. Tough titties, girls, say proponents of this initiative. We’re lucky we’re allowed to vote at all, I guess. Doesn’t sound very fair to me. Does it to you? I suspect Jim Kingston would vote yes on this proposal so I’m voting no.

Proposal 2006-03: A Referendum on Dove Hunting

Proposal three is a lot like proposal two, only this time it’s poor defenseless birds getting shafted.

A yes vote on this proposal would approve enactment of PA 160, allowing Mourning Dove hunting by reclassifying Mourning Doves as a game bird. A no vote would return Mourning Dove’s to the status of a nongame bird, as it was prior to enactment PA 160 of 2004, and continue the ban on Mourning Dove hunting in Michigan.

Michigan’s 2004 Mourning Dove season began on September 10 and ended October 30. It was intended to be the first of a three year trial period. The 2005 and 2006 seasons were suspended when opponents collected sufficient signatures to call a referendum
and place the issue on the 2006 ballot.

In 2004, 4,981 Mourning Dove stamps were purchased yielding $9,962 in stamp fees.

Those in opposition to the proposed ban argue that Mourning Dove hunting is a sport enjoyed by hunters in 80 percent of the states. They argue banning hunting of specific animals is a way for animal rights and anti-hunting organizations to chip away at the sport, species by species.

Supporters of the ban argue that Mourning Doves are popular backyard guests enjoyed by bird watchers. In 1998, the Mourning Dove was adopted as Michigan’s official Bird of Peace. In the Midwest, the Mourning Dove reproductive cycle begins with egg laying in late April/early May, and continues until fledging ends in early September. Both parents take part in incubation and brood-rearing activities. This breeding season would overlap with the hunting season in Michigan, as it does in other states. Those in support of the ban also argue Mourning Doves’ body weight varies throughout the year and is at its lowest point during the fall hunting season. Consequently, it is not a significant source of food. Some argue that they are being hunted for the thrill of the kill only and are not retrieved. The DNR estimates asmany as 4,000 were unable to be retrieved in the 2004 hunting season out of a total of an estimated 28,139 Mourning Doves. Federal and state regulations allow the use of lead shot when hunting Mourning Doves. Any Mourning Doves that are not retrieved or shots that miss their mark would leave lead in the environment. Michigan has banned lead shot in water fowl hunting to address environmental concerns.

So let me get this straight? We want to start shooting environmentally harmful lead at a bird of peace with approximately two bites of meat on them (that is, if they’re retrived) during their nesting season (make that one bite of meat) all for less than ten thousand dollars in stamp taxes? I figure Daniel Shame would probably vote for this. So I’m voting against it. If you’re that in need of live target practice, just become a Broken Springs Cop.

Proposal 2006-04: Eminent Domain

It would shift the burden of proof from the property owner to the condemning governmental unit to prove that the taking is for a public use or that proposed use for the eradication of blight is for a public use. It would eliminate the ability of governments to utilize eminent domain in
an area-wide approach to blight eradication.

More power to the property owner? Less power to the state to seize your land? And did someone mention blight? I figure since the BS Village Council would probably oppose this, I’ll support it.

Proposal 2006-05: Educational Funding Guarantee Law

The proposal would amend the State School Aid Act to guarantee a minimum amount of state funding for K-12 schools, community colleges, and universities in Fiscal Year 2007 (FY07). For all years after fiscal year 2007, the proposal would guarantee funding increases equal to the annual change in inflation.

This is a toughie. I’m usually for anything that will help education, but they say this one doesn’t help the students nearly as much as it helps the teachers. And while I’ve never met a teacher I didn’t like (except Mrs. Lee), I’m tempted to vote yes. But if I’m still so undecided at election time, I think I’ll flip a coin at the last minute.

I hope this guide has been informational or at the very least, entertaining. Don’t forget to haul your lazy butt off the sofa and vote. Dr. Phil doesn’t come on till three and it’s repeated at five on channel 2, so you have plenty of time to do your democratic duty.