An angry and mentally battered President Trump
condemned the Alt-Left for vandalizing Confederate Statues in several cities
overnight, including dressing one up in a pink bra and layered skirt.
“Where’s the fake news now?” tweeted Trump at
5:35 AM Wednesday morning. “Why no reporting on violent vandals dressing heroes
up as trannies?” Trump shared a Fox & Friends story about overnight
vandalism in Louisiana where unknown suspects garbed a statue of Jefferson
Davis in a pink bra and matching skirt. The statue's fingernails on one hand
were painted red, white, and blue, indicating that law enforcement interrupted
the vandals in the middle of the act. The Fox & Friends story didn’t identify
the culprits and so far they are unknown to local authorities but the all white
panel did speculate that the vandals may have blended into the darkness as they
escaped. And the President, not waiting for all the facts to be released,
assumed it was violent protesters of the Alt-Left, coming at Davis, armed with
clubs, and without a permit.
Several seemingly coordinated acts of
vandalism happened elsewhere in the nation, included someone putting a girdle
on Stonewall Jackson in West Virginia, and vandals giving a bust of Nathan
Bedford Forrest, a Lieutenant General for the Confederacy and also the 1st
Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, a very flamboyant makeover in Alabama. It was
first suspected that vandals also attacked the J. Edgar Hoover statue in our
nation’s Capitol, but upon closer inspection, his monument was not vandalized,
after all.
When pressed at this afternoon’s press
conference, the President said, “Look, whoever it was, it was some bad hombres,
or maybe some darkies the cops couldn’t see running away. They can climb pretty
good, you know. It’s in their genes from years in the jungle.” After the
collective gasp from the press corps, Trump continued, “Nobody wants to say it,
but I will say it. That’s just science.”
Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen nearby
staring at his shoes.
A White House statement soon followed the
press conference, which stated, “The Department of Justice has been instructed
to bring to justice whomever cross dressed several sacred monuments nationwide.
These vandals will be caught, and will not terrorize this great nation any longer.”