Ignorant Motorist Ticketed

Last Thursday night at approximately 10 PM, Andrew Spitzke was traveling northbound on US 31 when he was pulled over by Broken Springs Police officer Daniel Shame for going 65 mph in a 45 zone. The motorist insisted that he didn’t know about the lower speed limit, despite there being three speed limit signs posted in the area. Spitzke insisted that, had he known the speed limit was only 45, he would not have been driving 65 and hence broken the law. But ignorance of the law is not a justifiable defense and therefore Spitzke was ticketed.

Upon requesting the motorist’s license and registration, Officer Shame quickly became aware of another potential abuse of justice. “As soon as I approached the vehicle, I smelled marijuana cigarettes. Mr. Spitzke’s eyes were glassy and he kept giggling while muttering something under his breath about elevator shoes. It was then I realized that he was high.”

A nonconsensual search of the car resulted in the discovery of three ounces of marijuana, packed tightly in a bag and rolled in a wad of twenties, which turned out to be counterfeit.

“I was unaware that cannabis was illegal in Broken Springs,” said Spitzke as he was being frisked. “Nor was I aware that the possession of counterfeit money against the law. In fact, I was unaware that the money was counterfeit to begin with.”

“Oh, it was counterfeit, all right,” confirmed Daniel Shame as he stuffed the money deep into the pockets of his pants.

As Spitzke was being frisked, Shame also came across a hard device stuffed in the crotch of the motorist’s pants. It was a miniaturized bionic ear, which the motorist said he used to spy on his black neighbors in residential St. Joe. After being notified that the use of a bionic ear was also illegal, Spitzke claimed he knew of no laws regulating the use of his instrument, and had he known about them, he certainly would not have used it

Once down at the police station, Spitzke insisted that he was wrongfully arrested, due to his ignorance of the law and because he was a frequent contributor to Operation Christmas Care Bear, which is run by Broken Springs Police Chief Jim Kingston. “I give year in and year out to that charity, and I even have the tax records to prove it,“ he said angrily.

“You filed them on your taxes?” the clerk asked him as she turned another page in her file and began scribbling another note.

Spitzke was unaware that Operation Christmas Care Bear is not registered with the state of Michigan and is therefore not a legal charity to claim on one’s tax deductions.

“But I did not know,” he said, when informed that the IRS would be contacting him. “I didn’t have a clue.”

“You weren’t the only one,” said the clerk.