Trump blames Alt Left for Cross Dressed Statues

An angry and mentally battered President Trump condemned the Alt-Left for vandalizing Confederate Statues in several cities overnight, including dressing one up in a pink bra and layered skirt.

“Where’s the fake news now?” tweeted Trump at 5:35 AM Wednesday morning. “Why no reporting on violent vandals dressing heroes up as trannies?” Trump shared a Fox & Friends story about overnight vandalism in Louisiana where unknown suspects garbed a statue of Jefferson Davis in a pink bra and matching skirt. The statue's fingernails on one hand were painted red, white, and blue, indicating that law enforcement interrupted the vandals in the middle of the act. The Fox & Friends story didn’t identify the culprits and so far they are unknown to local authorities but the all white panel did speculate that the vandals may have blended into the darkness as they escaped. And the President, not waiting for all the facts to be released, assumed it was violent protesters of the Alt-Left, coming at Davis, armed with clubs, and without a permit.

Several seemingly coordinated acts of vandalism happened elsewhere in the nation, included someone putting a girdle on Stonewall Jackson in West Virginia, and vandals giving a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest, a Lieutenant General for the Confederacy and also the 1^st Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, a very flamboyant makeover in Alabama. It was first suspected that vandals also attacked the J. Edgar Hoover statue in our nation’s Capitol, but upon closer inspection, his monument was not vandalized, after all. 

When pressed at this afternoon’s press conference, the President said, “Look, whoever it was, it was some bad hombres, or maybe some darkies the cops couldn’t see running away. They can climb pretty good, you know. It’s in their genes from years in the jungle.” After the collective gasp from the press corps, Trump continued, “Nobody wants to say it, but I will say it. That’s just science.”

Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen nearby staring at his shoes.

A White House statement soon followed the press conference, which stated, “The Department of Justice has been instructed to bring to justice whomever cross dressed several sacred monuments nationwide. These vandals will be caught, and will not terrorize this great nation any longer.”

Steve King: Build Border Wall with Food Stamp Recipients and Planned Parenthood Doctors

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) is calling for using food stamp recipients and Planned Parenthood workers to help build President Trump’s southern border wall, the Washington Examiner reported Wednesday. Food stamp recipients would become part of the foundation of the wall, while Planned Parenthood workers, including doctors who provide abortions, would be part of the labor force enslaved to build the wall.

On Tuesday of this week, the House Appropriations Committee inducted a spending bill that helped offset the price of the wall. The bill would allocate nearly $2 billion towards the wall as part of a nearly $14 billion spent for Customs and Border Protection. But that isn’t enough for Rep. King, as he insisted that his idea could save more than $5 billion for Trump’s promised wall.

“I would find half a billion dollars of that straight away by putting the whip to those Planned Parenthood monsters,” he told the Examiner. “And the rest of the savings would be in supplies, because who needs so much concrete and steel when you use those on welfare to hold the wall together? Not only will they stop milking the system, as part of the border wall, they will be productive for the first time in their lives.”

King’s controversial plan has been met with cries of applause from the conservative right, as well as cries of inhumanity from the progressive left.

“Representative King wants to literally bury children and the elderly in a wall to keep out immigrants. Isn’t it enough that his policies are already burying our most vulnerable citizens?” tweeted Bernie Sanders.

King’s office put out the following statement in response to such criticism. “Nothing could be further from the truth. Representative King would never use the elderly and children as part of the wall. It would be much more practical to use healthy, able bodied adults, particularly those with a high body mass index so as to build a taller, stronger wall.”

The plan, if passed by Congress, would surely be signed by President Trump, who already tweeted his support for the bill Thursday morning: “Using welfare moochers and abortion drs (sickos!) to MAGA is so smart Im surprized I didn’t think of it.”

Others, such as Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway, also voiced support for the idea on this morning’s episode of Fox and Friends. “We have an entitlement problem in this country and since these people will not work, this is a great idea of how to make them work for us.”

“As filler?” asked a smiling Steve Doocy.

“In whatever capacity they can fill,” she said.

When pointed out, by Jake Tapper later on in the morning, that the majority of welfare recipients actually have jobs but don’t make a livable wage, Conway added, “Then using them as the foundation of the wall would be opening up so many jobs for Americans who want to work, wouldn’t it?”

She then went on to plug Ivanka’s new line of designer purses.

In describing how he came up with his idea, King explained that food stamps were created to fight malnutrition but that the people who benefit from these programs are usually overweight.

"Now we have a problem of obesity," he explained. "And when you match up the [Electronics Benefits Transfer] card with what the scales say on some of the folks, I think it's worth looking at. [Former first lady]Michelle Obama looked at it.

“Sasquatch’s solution was to eat better and exercise. But she was closing the barn door after the pigs got out. All I’m sayin’ is we’ll never get the pigs back in the barn. So load ‘em up in a wall Jimmy Hoffa style, and let their vices protect the United States of America.”

Trump Riled He’s Not Included on Anon’s KKK List

Presidential hopeful and media prostitute Donald Trump took to Twitter Thursday evening, erupting at not being included in the Hacktivist organization Anonymous’ KKK list. The billionaire Trump, whose campaign has revolved around deporting over 11 million illegal aliens if he’s elected President, insisted that he was deliberately omitted from the list in an attempt by Anonymous to attack his character.

“Of course I should be on the list,” he told a crowd of old, rich, white supporters in Florida earlier Friday morning. “I should be number one. Just the fact that I’m nowhere to be found on it discredits the entire list.”

Anonymous coincided the Operation Hoods Off KKK information release of 500-1000 names with November 5^th, Guy Fawkes Day, a day celebrated in Great Britain that dates back to 1605, when Guy Fawkes was arrested for plotting to blow up the House of Lords. The online Hacktivists have a history of fighting for social justice by unveiling private data of their social enemies.

Two days before the data dump, a leaked file incorrectly identified four U.S. Senators on this list, as well as several mayors and elected representatives. They all quickly took to the social media airwaves to denounce the validity of the leak and proclaim their innocence.

There are many people upset about the KKK list, including those who appeared on the inaccurate version. But as of this writing, Trump is the only person upset at not making the list.

“I invented prejudice. Prejudice is what makes America great. That and Celebrity Apprentice,” he said to a roaring crowd at a campaign stop in Ames, Iowa. “I have enough white sheets in my closet to clothe Liberace, only mine aren’t gay,” he went on, as the crowd started chanting “Donald J. for the KKK.”

At one point in his speech, he pointed to a poster of a Guy Fawkes mask and yelled, “Look at that face! Why would anyone believe an ugly loser like that?”

Several national polls show Trump to be narrowly leading the race for the Republican nomination over political outsider and religious neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Carson, who recently posited that the pyramids were built by the Biblical Joseph to store grain, told reporters that he’s quickly working on his next crazy statement in order to jump Trump in the polls.

Cubs Lose in Playoffs, Cosmos Safe

In historic fashion, the curse of the Billy Goat again reared its ugly head on those Lovable Losers, the Chicago Cubs. Game four of the National League Chamspionhip Series ended with the New York Mets beating the Cubbies by the score of 8-3, sweeping the team everyone thought was destined to win the World Series because Back to the Future predicted it. The Mets hammered Chicago Cub pitcher Jason Hammel so bad he only lasted two innings innings in the post season game, ensuring the continuation of planetary rotation and balance within the cosmos.


"On the one hand, I'm severely disappointed," said 86-year-old Bud Cromsky, a die hard Chicago Cub fan, "But at least there'll be no Armageddon."

Continued life on earth has, of all things, a Billy Goat to thank. During the Cubs' last trip to the Series in 1945, Chicago tavern-keeper, Sam Sianis and his pet goat Murphy were denied entrance into Wrigley Field. Sianis said, "Never again will World Series be played in Wrigley Field," or so the tale is told. The moral of this story is: don't piss off a man with a goat. Of course curses cannot live on Billy Goats alone.

In 1969, a black cat walked across Wrigley Field and the Cubs lost to the New York Mets. The superstition that followed was predictable, but rarely is the question asked: how did a cat get into Wrigley when a Billy Goat doesn't stand a chance?

In the eighth inning of game six of 2003's LCS between the Marlins and the Cubs, with the Cubs just innings away from a World Series, one of the Cubs' very own helped further along their losing streak. On a pop foul near the left field line, Chicago outfielder Moises Alou seemed poised to pocket the second out of the inning. But a Cubbie fan deflected the ball away from Alou's glove, and the inevitable chaos ensued. An error, a walk, eight runs, and several cups of beer spilt on the infamous fan later, the Cubs rolled over faster than John F. on Marilyn Monroe.

It's been 107 years since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series. Bud Cromsky was but a twinkle in his pop's eye. Back then Wrigley Field didn't have lights because electricity had not yet been invented. Neither had television, the internet, or air conditioning. Back then Chicago wasn't even the Windy City yet. It was affectionately known as the Slightly Breezy City.

One can only wonder how much the world will have changed if the Chicago Cubs ever return to the World Series. I've got my money on robotic pitchers and beer that stays cold without refrigeration. But in the meantime, we should celebrate the continued stability of the cosmos.

Same Sex Jail Romance Leads to Kentucky Clerk’s Change of Heart

Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis, who refused to issue gay marriage licenses and was taken into federal custody Thursday, has posted bond and been released after having a change of heart in jail. After experiencing what she called a quasi-religious experience with her female cell mate, Davis returned to her job, her cheeks flushed and a smile spread across her formerly dumpy disposition.


“God sent me a message while I was incarcerated,” she told a crowd outside the courthouse before heading back to work. “God was cleverly disguised as a big black woman named Shaniqua with very soft hands, but His message was loud and clear: We are here to love one another, not to deny each other basic rights and services.” Shaniqua Jackson, a former hairdresser from Ashland and Davis’s cell mate for the night, is serving a four year sentence for prostitution and marijuana possession.

Davis had been taken into custody Thursday morning for refusing to issue marriage certificates on the grounds that same sex marriages violated her religious faith. “My conscious won’t allow me,” she explained to the judge at the time. While many pointed out the obvious hypocrisy of having been married four times, divorced thrice, with a lot of infidelity in between, Davis held firm to her principles and considered jail a lot cooler than the fiery hells of eternal damnation. After her arrest, religious leaders across the nation expressed outrage over what they deemed the persecution of Christianity. Republican Presidential candidate and former governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, trying to steal the spotlight away from the surging Donald Trump, took to twitter to say, “Kim Davis in federal custody removes all doubt about the criminalization of Christianity in this country. We must defend religious liberty.”

But all that talk came to a screeching halt Friday morning after Davis’s about face on the issue, causing some to speculate that she was bribed and possibly tortured while under federal custody. When asked by the press if bribery or torture played a part in her change in religious conviction, she only smiled shyly and said that Shaniqua showed her the error of her ways.

“I owe my revelation first and foremost to God, who sent me an angel. She spread her wings all up and over me and protected me from the winds of bigotry,” she said quivering from head to toe. “Praise God!” She then quickly trotted into her job at the clerk’s office and signed the first same sex marriage license she could get her hands on.

“I think it’s terrific,” said Scott Holland, one of the future grooms of Davis’s first official granted same sex license to marry. “In fact, we’re thinking of having our ceremony at the jail so Shaniqua can attend.”

When asked what effect her latest experience would have on her fourth and current marriage, Ms. Davis said, “I can’t imagine ever leaving my husband, at least not for another four years or so.”

Mike Huckabee and all the religious leaders we attempted to interview for a follow up were unavailable to comment.

Obama Renames Mount McKinley “Caitlyn”

President Obama announced this Sunday that he is officially changing the name of Mount McKinley in Alaska, to Caitlyn, via his 1, 079th executive order since taking office in 2009.

The mountain formally known as McKinley, at 20,320 feet, is the tallest in North American, and has been referred to in the feminine by Alaskans for years. Caitlyn is an Athabascan word that means, “the highest mountain without a peak.”

“This is long overdue,” said the President to a large and excited Alaskan crowd of 6 people this weekend. “Mountains should have a right to be that which they truly are, instead of what societal norms expect from them.”

Obama then altered the Mountain’s birth certificate to reflect the name change

The new and improved Mount Caitlyn was originally christened Mount McKinley by a gold prospector in 1896 in honor of President William McKinley. McKinley, the man, not the mountain, never visited Alaska in his Presidency, yet the name stuck for many reasons, including the hefty expense of reprinting history books a hundred years ago.

To help celebrate the mountain’s transformation, Vanity Fair is running a special featurein this month’s magazine. And across the nation, other misidentified national monuments are rumored to be on the verge of revealing changes of their own. Rumors that Yellowstone National Park is wanting to be identified as Pinkstone have yet to be verified.

Meanwhile, all 28 Republican Presidential candidates have come out against the change, most of whom insist it’s just another Obama overreach and a sign of Socialistic tolerance of deviant behavior that goes against Biblical teachings.

Front runner Donald Trump mocked both the President and the mountain while stumping in Iowa. “If Alaska hadn’t let all the Canadians infiltrate their border, Mount McKinley wouldn’t be a fat pig like Rosie O’Donnell. Elect me President and I will build a wall around Alaska and make America great again!” he said to a roaring crowd.

Only in Broken Springs...

Gay Duck Porn Found on Phil Robertson's Hard Drive

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson may not condone human homosexuality, but a recent reveal of the contents of his personal computer exposes his fascination with homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom, particularly in the duck species.

The hacker group Anonymous recently unveiled the Dynasty star's peccadillo for unconventional forms of sex after the controversial star came under fire for comparing human homosexuals to drunkards, terrorists, and prostitutes.

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," he told the magazine GQ about the decline of America. "Don't be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won't inherit the kingdom of God.”

But it seems, judging from his personal hard drive, same-sex duck fornicators get a pass for the Pearly Gates.

Phil Robertson, Duck Commander

Found on his hard drive were pictures of male ducks getting their duck dynasty on, as well as several heterosexual “Rape Flight” images of males ducks mounting females in mid-flight. Also included was a short video ripped from Youtube of a duck engaging in necrophilia with another duck (whose sex remains unknown). Scientists insist that homosexual behavior isn't rare amongst animal species, and is actually quite common among ducks and other birds. Such fascination with duck sex, however, remains an oddity among our human species.

Several people close to Robertson have also made allegations that he enjoys mounting ducks, but friends insists that he only mounts animals for taxidermy purposes and that no other hanky panky occurs.

In response to this most recent outing, Robertson excused the content of his computer as “market research and case studies into the nature of ducks so that we can make better duck calls.” He added, “That's what's wrong with our society. Everyone is so quick to judge and assume the worst.”

Several others have come to his defense.

One of several images found

“I don't have any right to judge Phil if he gets his jollies from watching sex documentaries on Animal Planet. Duck Dynasty is still a very funny show,” said a female DD fan sporting pink camouflage in the local Bass Pro Shop. “Personally I think he would prefer a duck's vagina to its anus, but that's his call, not mine.”

“Phil shouldn't be punished for exercising his right to freedom of speech,” said Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who once called his own Republican party the 'stupid party.' “He has a right

to believe whatever hateful things he wishes. Seriously what did A&E expect to come out of his gray bearded lips? Rainbows and tolerance?”

Kiddie duck porn

Another friend of Robertson, Sarah Palin, who has been filmed shooting wolves from a helicopter, and pressuring a local librarian on the issue of banning books, called A&E's decision to suspend Robertson from Duck Dynasty shameful because, “free speech is an endangered species.”

Meanwhile, Duck Dynasty's future on A&E looks bleak. The cast of the show is unanimously supporting Robertson as it considers an offer from the FOX News Network.

Orthodox Jewish School Expels 7th Grader Who Can't Grow Beard

An Orthodox Jewish School in West Florida has expelled a 12-year-old student for not adhering to part of the school's dress code dealing with grooming. Nathan O'Malley attends Hebrew Jr. High in Pensacola, Florida. According to reports, O'Malley was asked to leave school on Monday after numerous warnings that he had not conformed to the school's code on facial hair. According to the school's disciplinary handbook, all males twelve-years-old or older must grow out their facial hair, or at the very least, some stubble. According to school tradition, the facial hair code is based on Leviticus 19:27, which states, "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."

O'Malley insists that he's not purposely disobeying the code because he's tried to grow facial hair on several occassions.  But the best he's been able to muster so far is a couple of patchy red blotches that more resemble an old fox with the mange than a beard and moustache. On the few occasions he'd gone to school in such a state, he's been bullied so bad that he's chosen to shave what feeble stubble he can grow. Counselors insist that O'Malley, as a pre-teen with adolescent pre-pubescent hormones of Irish descent, will probably not be able to grow a full beard until he's at least 16-years-old. But administrators and school board officials at the strict Jewish school haven't the patience to wait that long.

New NSA Allegations Surround Facebook Number Game

You may have noticed a recent Facebook game on your newsfeed lately where friends assign each other numbers to reveal not so random facts about each other. It may have seemed harmless enough admitting that your favorite food is chocolate or that you usually watch Duck Dynasty in the nude, but new allegations are coming forth about the game being linked to the Obama Administration and the NSA's secret wiretapping scandal.

Senator and part-time unlicensed dentist, Rand Paul of Kentucky was the first to make such allegations on the Senate floor this past Friday. He claims to have read several documents online regarding the link between the social media craze and the National Security Agency, particularly many articles from Wikipedia he plans to plagiarize at a later date.

“The American people should always be vigilant against its over-reaching government, snooping into your private affairs,” he told the media, right after voting against an anti-discrimination workplace measure. “Again, the Obama Administration is acting on behalf of only themselves and tricking people into relinquishing private information on Facebook,” said the Senator whose own list included his now not-so secret desire to someday own a lawn jockey, and his fondness for squirrels.

So far both the Obama Administration and the NSA have denied allegations that they are data mining the numbers game on Facebook, but a recent FOIA request has documented several thousand log in attempts to Facebook from the Oval Office this month alone The President insists his recent surge in connectivity is merely due to his recent addiction to Candy Crush. “And Michelle,” he added, “She can't get enough of Grumpy Cat.” Asked whether or not the Affordable Care Act's addled website, Healthcare.gov has anything to do with how much time the Commander in Chief spends online, Obama only shrugged and said, “Cut me some slack! The last guy in here was still using a dot matrix printer.”

Government officials insist that the recent arrest of terrorist Abdullah Sam Alrah, shortly after he posted his list on Facebook is a mere coincidence. His #2 was about a designer suicide vest he recently bought from Hugo Boss.

Only time (and endless Congressional hearings) will tell whether or not Facebook's innocent and harmless number game is really so innocent and harmless. But in the meantime users may wish to be a little less social in social media. Either that or just keep playing the giraffe game.

Overpass for Impeachment Collapses

Karma struck on the I-5 Interstate in Carlsbad, California yesterday when one of the “Overpasses for Impeachment” collapsed, sending 12 people to the hospital. According to federal databases, the freeway overpass had recently been graded “functionally obsolete” but still legally safe to drive on from the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) as recently as September 2009.

According to local sources, the overpass gave way at approximately 5 o'clock in the afternoon, during the highway's busiest time of day, crashing into the freeway beneath it and backing up traffic for hours. The overpass had become notorious for being one of several “Overpasses for Impeachment” across the nation, displaying large signs expressing disagreement with the Obama administration for scandals such as Benghazi, the NSA wiretapping, and the Obama's decision to get another dog. Many of those signs could still be seen after the collapse.

Tea Party protestor and author of many of the signs had this to say about the accident: “It's clear to me that this travesty is a sign from the Almighty that Obama does not belong in the White House. If this doesn't say that God is on our side, nothing does.”

Several onlookers were shocked and expressed disappointment at the scene.

“I'm not saying that the President had direct involvement in this disaster, but I have to wonder why he's sending our money to the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt instead of using it on our crumbling bridges and overpasses,” said Charlotte Summers, who was traveling beneath the bridge when it collapsed. She was treated and released for head injuries.

In fact, the American Society of Civil Engineers have recently given the country a D grade for the condition of our transportation infrastructure, recommending that $3.6 trillion in investment is needed by the year 2020. But so far President Obama has failed to delegate that kind of spending, unable to convince Congress to pay the bills it already has, let alone rack up new ones. The last federal spending on infrastructure occurred in 2009 as part of the Stimulus package. Obama's Jobs bill would have delegated another $50 billion for infrastructure, but it stalled via Republican filibuster in the U.S. Senate late last year.

“Again he fails us,” says former Obama voter Reed Stevens, as he rehangs his 'We've reached Barack Bottom' sign on part of the bridge still upright. “I really wish he'd look out for the will of the people instead of going on vacation all the time.”

Congressional Representative for Carlsbad, Duncan D. Hunter (R), could not be reached for comment, as Congress just began a five week recess.

Broken County Youth Fair

What's up with all the kids pictures in this week's Urinal Era? Didn't any adults patronize the fair?

Haha

MI Ballot Proposals: How I'm Voting and Why

(Feel free to copy my answers. Crib sheets are allowed in voting booths)

Michigan has six proposals on this year's ballot. I am voting NO-YES-YES-YES-NO-NO on them.

I have two main issues that drive my political activism. As a writer and artist, my number one issue is the right to freedom of speech. There's a reason our Founding Fathers made freedom of speech our first amendment. I've had my speech revoked from me once by my local politicians and police and it was the worst experience of my life. I don't wish that on anyone. My second main issue that makes me as passionate as I am is our fundamental right to Democracy. So it's especially upsetting to me to see democracy being attacked in any form. The very first proposal addresses the suppression of democracy as it has been victimized by the Emergency Manager Law. I support the law as it had originally been signed as the Emergency FINANCE Manager law, put into effect by Governor Granholm. But Governor Snyder has morphed the law into something it was never meant to be, in an overreaching tyrannical power grab and a way to break union contracts. Now Emergency Managers can take over a city and render its elected city board powerless. What this means is every person who voted in that city's election – no matter who they voted for – all of those votes were in vain because the officials elected to do a job can be ousted by an Emergency Manager on the request of the Governor. This is an insult to the very idea of what it means to be American. (On a side note, Debbie Stabenow's opponent Pete Hoekstra wants to repeal the 19th Amendment and go back to the time when state legislators choose the Senators to each state.) Is Democracy dead in Michigan? Why the hate?

So I urge you, if you vote on only one proposal, make it the first one. And vote NO.

The second ballot proposal is nearly as important, as it will protect workers' rights to collectively bargain and unionize and thereby thwarting efforts to make Michigan a “Right to Work (for less)” state. You might remember what Scott Walker did in Wisconsin? Let's try to avert such lunacy here by voting YES to allow collective bargaining rights to be safeguarded in our state Constitution. The naysayers are spreading falsehoods that unions will lead to repealing background checks for school employees and safety regulations for bus drivers, but that's a slippery slope argument. The right to unionize will only guarantee workers the right to bargain with their employers. What they bargain for will be whatever their employers will be willing to give them. Nothing less. Nothing more. Proposal 4 also addresses the right to collectively bargain, this time for home care workers, so I urge you to vote YES on that one as well.

Proposal 3 is to establish a higher standard for renewable energy. If it passes, electric companies will have to get 25% of their energy from renewable sources by the year 2025. These sources are clean and green – wind, solar, biomass, and hydrogen. Naysayers claim that electric costs would rocket, but the proposal buts a cap in place for the rates would not be allowed to increase more than 1% each year. I think that's a good investment for clean energy, so I vote YES to proposal 3. In the long run, it will save tons of money, and our environment. Michigan is a beautiful state. Let's preserve it. Thirty other states have similar measures on the books, and it's time we caught up.

Proposals 5 and 6 are less important to me, but I plan on voting NO to both.

How I'm Voting and Why

For President, as most of you already know, I'm voting to reelect President Obama. Notice I say President Obama and not Muslim Barack Hussein Obama the Kenyan Commie Socialist because he is Christian, and Hawaiian born, and as Commander in Chief he has so far not promoted or condoned any policy that requires the government owning the means of production, which is the true definition of socialism, just in case anyone is wondering. You still might be saying of course he's not all those ludicrous things, but why support him when the economy still sucks and gas prices are still bending us over at the pump? To which I say: You might be unaware that the private sector of the US economy has added jobs for 32 consecutive months, and overall since Obama took office in the middle of the Great Recession, more than 5 million jobs overall. (http://www.startribune.com/business/176942311.html?refer=y) I know that's nowhere close to Bill Clinton's 22 million jobs created, but it beats the hell out of George W. Bush's 2 million. Housing is also on the rise, manufacturing is back up, and gas prices, as always, are all over the map because their price is set by oil speculators on Wall Street more than simple supply and demand or anything a President can do. Unemployment is going down, albeit slowly but knowing history helps understand the complexity of recovering from an economic recession. During the Great Depression the only thing that saved us was spending our way out of it as a nation. FDR did just that, investing in America and creating jobs where there were none. Obama's stimulus was the same thing. Expensive yes, but it wasn't nearly the investment we needed to recover quickly from our Bush economic hangover. The fact that we're recovering at all is proof that the stimulus worked, even if it was watered down by Congressional Republicans. Could it have worked better... quicker, had it been bigger? Perhaps. But we'll never know for sure. Is there more work to be done with the economy? Of course. But Mitt Romney wants to return us to times of supply side economics, where the trickle down never trickles down, and the gap between rich and poor grows at a faster rate than it ever had in the past. He wants to lower taxes for the rich again, even though the last batch of tax cuts haven't even expired yet and were only supposed to be temporary.

It's about much more than economic policies, however. Obama supports my choices as a woman. The main reason I would never vote for Mitt Romney is because I'm a proud owner of a vagina. I only use the word vagina because earlier this year Lisa Brown, a Representative in the Michigan state house was barred from the floor for using that dirty term during an abortion debate. So I will say it again...

Vagina vagina vagina!

How does Mitt stand on my vagina? Very carefully, I hope! All kidding aside, Mitt has flip flopped so many times on the issues of choice and womens' reproductive rights, he's a regular hermaphrapolitician. Consider his actual quotes:


"I believe that since Roe v. Wade has been the law for 20 years, that we should sustain and support it."  -1994

As Governor, Mitt Romney would protect the current pro-choice status quo in Massachusetts. No law would change.  -2002 Governor platform

“I am pro-life. I believe that abortion is the wrong choice except in cases of incest, rape, and to save the life of the mother. I wish the people of America agreed, and that the laws of our nation could reflect that view. But while the nation remains so divided over abortion, I believe that the states, through the democratic process, should determine their own abortion laws and not have them dictated by judicial mandate.”  -2005

“It is one thing to end federal funding for an organization like Planned Parenthood; it is entirely another to end all federal funding for thousands of hospitals across America.... That is precisely what the pledge would demand and require of a president who signed it.” (During his campaign in 2011, while refusing to sign a pro-life list pledging to end federal funding for abortions)

“My view is the Supreme Court should reverse Roe v. Wade and send back to the states the responsibility for deciding whether they’re going to have abortion legal in their state or not.” - on the campaign trail

“My position has been clear throughout this campaign. I'm in favor of abortion being legal in the case of rape and incest and the health and life of the mother. “ - on the campaign trail

"There's no legislation with regards to abortion that I'm familiar with that would become part of my agenda."  -Oct 2012

So what does Mitt believe today, November 6th about my lifelong Constitutional right to choose? What will Mitt believe November 7th? How about January 20th when he'd take office if he were to win? Who knows? I can't trust him, and I can't take that chance. I do know that he would do everything in his power to stop funding Planned Parenthood, which would be disastrous for young, poor women who rely on it for a gazillion services (other than abortion) they provide like birth control and cancer screenings for the uninsured. Romney's right hand man, Paul Ryan is not so cryptic in his views concerning women and their health. Just last year he teamed up with Todd “Legitimate Rape Man” Akin to co-sponsor HR 212, the Sanctity of Human Life Act, which states that "human life shall be deemed to begin with fertilization." This bill would've made the IVF process that created Mitt Romney's twin grandsons illegal, which means Thanksgiving has to be awkward for them. And while in Congress, Ryan voted for HR 358, otherwise known as the Let Women Die Act that would allow hospitals to refuse abortions to women even if their life was in danger.

Let me repeat that. Even if their life was in danger!

We're not talking about an abortion of convenience. We're talking about a woman... any woman carrying a pregnancy to term, when something goes horribly wrong and abortion is the last resort to save the life of the mother. Guess what, women? If that happens to you, Paul Ryan doesn't care if you die.

I don't want that maniac a heartbeat away from the presidency! And someone damn sure better keep Eddie Munster away from my lady bits.

I also can't take the chance of Obamacare being repealed, as Romney has promised to do. I am one of those poor people who will finally get affordable health care in 2014. I guess I should be thanking Romney for creating Romneycare for Massachusetts when he was governor, the plan on which Obamacare was designed. But if Mitt has ate his own baby, so to speak, why should I vote for him?

Let's give Obama four more years, and Hilary 8 after that. Let's finish what we started, America.

Only in Broken Springs

Election Round Up

August 7th is election day in Broken Springs and just because our town is broken doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to elect our best and brightest to try to unbreak our town a little more. There are some real doozies running locally, so don’t say I didn’t warn you. Here is an information guide that might help you decide the lesser of two evils to vote for.

Running to replace his daddy for Supervisor of Onoyoko Township is Mike Hildecrust, who shall henceforth be dubbed Baby Hildecrest. His opponent is August Zipke, who by all accounts, could use some more zip in his ke. Baby Hildecrust has served on the planning commission and August is currently already on the township board. The big controversy over this race has something to do with dirt, that is gravel, and who is allowed to mine it, where, and why. Frankly I haven’t been following close enough attention to the details but here is what I’ve dug up on the dirt issue. Baby Hildecrust, as illustrated by our compatriot and former rabble rouser Troublemaker Boob’s recent letter to the Editor in Sunday’s edition of the Herald Republican, insists that there’s no conflict of interest in having a gravel pit of his own while legislating other gravel pits in the area. And who can disagree with him? That’d be like Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas recusing himself from the Health Care debate simply because of his wife’s activism as a Tea Partyist in trying to repeal Obamacare. And we all know that didn’t happen.

August Zipke is Baby Hildecrust’s opponent, and I fortunately don’t know much about him other than that he hasn’t done any damage to the town as an Onoyoko Township board member. At least not so far. The only thing I really know about him is that he’s indirectly named after the first Roman Emperor who was very conservative, yet despite that character flaw, was a successful Roman Emperor all the same. According to the Journalistic Error, Zipke is also a card carrying member of the NRA, which means he’s a straight shooter - except in the bathroom, according to our very private sources.

So the choice is between the son of a successful supervisor with shady political conflicts of interest and a political softy with a shady connection to the nation’s most destructive and powerful lobbying group. Who is less evil? I will hold my nose and vote for Zipke.

The race for Clerk is also a controversial one, between current clerk Sue Frettin and Wildlife expert Dick Finkel. Both candidates have been accused of wanting to evolve Broken Springs into a metropolis - a position I vehemently oppose because the lines are already too long at our Taco Bell. But I can’t blame politicians for wanting to bring more taxpayers to our town (soon to be city), since it might someday raise their salaries. Frettin has 11 years experience as Township Clerk and her supporters keep bringing that up as if to imply that makes her the only one qualified for the job. Personally I think she’s done a pretty okay job and I’ve been impressed with her intelligence and independence in the past but she lacks one very important thing which Finkel does not - an Obama sign in her front yard. According to a letter to the editor in this week’s Journalistic Error, Dick Finkel is a closeted Homodemocrat. Mr. Finkel might be running as a Republican, but last election cycle was spotted sporting an Obama Yard sign (gasp!). This was much cause for concern for the letter writer who shall remain nameless (because I can’t remember his name) but for me, an Obama Yard Sign signifies that the Fink might just be a supporter of those radical notions like civil rights, humane treatment of the poor and female, and environmentalism. Although I personally like Sue Frettin, until she demonstrates such higher knowledge of national politics, I have to fly with the wildlife enthusiast.

The races for Trustee are a bit harder to figure out, as it’s difficult to find four people running who are worth voting for. I only wish Dorothy Hildecrust (no relation to Ernie or Baby Hildecrust) was still running so I would only have to choose three lesser of evils. Please check back tomorrow for my trustee election picks.

Photo of dog napped Aspen from Herald Palladium

Dog Napped Victims Had it Coming

Editor,

Sorry but I don’t buy it. The dog napped Aspen’s previous owners say they deserve their dog back. It’s not because I’m a Broken Springs Village Council member that I support theft, but because I’m a former dog-napper myself. And as a former dog-napper I must side with the thief in this dog napping matter.

It should be clear to anyone that a dog properly fed, watered, loved, and cared for is neglected to the point that dog-napping is 100% justified. In fact the dog clearly must have been treated so humanely that larceny was its only possible fate. You may say that the dog’s rightful owners have rightful ownership of the dog, to which I say that’s dog’s poop. Clearly, if the dog would not have wanted out of such a loving environment he would not have gone with his dog-napper. And he certainly wouldn’t have stayed with them for as long as he has. If he wanted to return to his previous owners, he could just open the door and catch the bus home.

Now lucky Aspen, a Siberian Husky whose nature it is to want to be outside, is gleefully inside and safely guarded from the sunlight and fresh air that constricts so many other dogs.

If the people dog-napped the dog, they must have witnessed some wrongdoing, the same way a burglar watches a house that needs to be robbed, just like a killer realizes that his victim needs to die, just like a red light is meant to be run. Otherwise there is no justice in the world.

Sorry I just don’t buy it. Why buy it, after all, when you can steal it?

If Aspen’s former owners really want their dog back they should do the honorable thing and steal him back from his dog-nappers.

With a totally straight face,

Lonna Jackson

For the "real" story: http://www.heraldpalladium.com/articles/2012/06/20/local_news/10440482.txt

I voted yes in the police millage in order to save the Polar Bears. WTF????

God Misses Again: Santorum Drops Out

So far this primary election cycle God Almighty is 0 for 4 in His picks for a Republican Presidential nominee. The latest victim to God’s A-Rod like numbers is former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. This afternoon Santorum officially suspended his campaign, citing personal reasons, namely that he can no longer stop crying himself to sleep each night.



Before Santorum, or Frothy, as he is more intimately known, God struck out swinging with Governor of Texas Rick Perry, Minnesota Representative and Tea Party Darling Michele Bachmann, and Pizza enteprenuer Herman Cain. To add salt to His wounds, Santorum’s premature withdrawal has all but assured that the Republican nominee for President will be Mitt Romney, a Mormon.

God could not be reached for comment, but His spokesperson, St. Peter, issued this statement to the press: “Obviously He is very disappointed, but God is used to being disappointed with humanity. There is still one self proclaimed Christian in the Republican race, but let’s be honest here… He would rather vote for the black guy than a guy named Newt who divorced his wife while she died of cancer.”

Asked if God was then officially endorsing Barack Obama for re-election, St. Peter said that God was still undecided, but that He “liked Obamacare” because it reminded him of what His son tried to do while on Earth.

Meanwhile Mitt Romney reminded God of his Romneycare in a speech today in Washington. “I’d like to give a shout out to the man upstairs,” he said, pointing to the Heavens. “I was for socialized medicine before socialized medicine was cool. Despite that, I still support its repeal,” at which time a loud crash of thunder echoed from the clouds and Romney was forced to run for cover.

HP Letter to the Editor

I hope Rich Camacho doesn't quit his day job to go on the comedy circuit any time soon. His recent letter to the editor ("There's plenty dish about on the talk-show circuit," Jan. 6) was so full of groaners I've decided to expand on it. Not surprisingly, I found more laughs on the other side of the aisle.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has had his yearly health exam by an under-qualified, overpaid HMO and besides the usual "Cut back your daily alcohol intake to single digits," there's another issue he must deal with. His skin seems to be gradually changing in color to a hue best represented by the planet Mars. This disorder is not much unlike that which affected Michael Jackson, except Boehner can't do the moonwalk. Is it any wonder why Speaker Boehner opposed the new energy efficient light bulb legislation? Due to his incandescent complexion, he hasn't had to use a light bulb since 1973.

Mitch McConnell, Republican Senate minority leader, is in slightly better health than Boehner but still suffers from a contagious streak of obstructionism. These days it's easier for the Republicans to pass a kidney stone than a bill through Congress. I've seen so many incomplete passes, they ought to move the Capitol from Washington, D.C., to Lucas Oil Field in Indianapolis.

This obstructionism is likely due to a bad case of ITPS: Irritable Tea Party Syndrome. Symptoms may include a tendency to distort both U.S. history and the U.S. Constitution and a pesky compulsion to wear funny looking hats at political rallies.

It has been said that when President Calvin Coolidge died someone said, "How can you tell?" The same holds true for presidential candidate Ron Paul. I'm not saying the 76-year-old Texas representative is an old geezer, but if his belt moves any further north, he'll be in Oklahoma.

Our new Congressional Diet is similar to the Atkins Diet in that it's full of pork, and for best results needs to be accompanied with a strict exercise regiment. Unfortunately our Do Nothing Congress is still at the Couch Potato Phase, and the only way for it to lose inches off its budgetary waistline is to have its stomach stapled. And duct taped. And super glued.

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is no stranger to diets. He has been living for the past two decades on a strict diet of flapjacks and waffles. He has flipped-flopped so many times Jimmy Buffet is writing a song about him.

In all seriousness, politics can often be hilarious. But when it's as ineffective as it's been the past four years, the joke is really on all of us.