HP Letter to the Editor

I hope Rich Camacho doesn't quit his day job to go on the comedy circuit any time soon. His recent letter to the editor ("There's plenty dish about on the talk-show circuit," Jan. 6) was so full of groaners I've decided to expand on it. Not surprisingly, I found more laughs on the other side of the aisle.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has had his yearly health exam by an under-qualified, overpaid HMO and besides the usual "Cut back your daily alcohol intake to single digits," there's another issue he must deal with. His skin seems to be gradually changing in color to a hue best represented by the planet Mars. This disorder is not much unlike that which affected Michael Jackson, except Boehner can't do the moonwalk. Is it any wonder why Speaker Boehner opposed the new energy efficient light bulb legislation? Due to his incandescent complexion, he hasn't had to use a light bulb since 1973.

Mitch McConnell, Republican Senate minority leader, is in slightly better health than Boehner but still suffers from a contagious streak of obstructionism. These days it's easier for the Republicans to pass a kidney stone than a bill through Congress. I've seen so many incomplete passes, they ought to move the Capitol from Washington, D.C., to Lucas Oil Field in Indianapolis.

This obstructionism is likely due to a bad case of ITPS: Irritable Tea Party Syndrome. Symptoms may include a tendency to distort both U.S. history and the U.S. Constitution and a pesky compulsion to wear funny looking hats at political rallies.

It has been said that when President Calvin Coolidge died someone said, "How can you tell?" The same holds true for presidential candidate Ron Paul. I'm not saying the 76-year-old Texas representative is an old geezer, but if his belt moves any further north, he'll be in Oklahoma.

Our new Congressional Diet is similar to the Atkins Diet in that it's full of pork, and for best results needs to be accompanied with a strict exercise regiment. Unfortunately our Do Nothing Congress is still at the Couch Potato Phase, and the only way for it to lose inches off its budgetary waistline is to have its stomach stapled. And duct taped. And super glued.

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is no stranger to diets. He has been living for the past two decades on a strict diet of flapjacks and waffles. He has flipped-flopped so many times Jimmy Buffet is writing a song about him.

In all seriousness, politics can often be hilarious. But when it's as ineffective as it's been the past four years, the joke is really on all of us.

Potent and Impotent

Merry Christmas everybody!

I don’t know about the rest of you but this weather makes me want to shop ‘til I drop. Fortunately for my wallet, the weather also makes me avoid traveling on anything with wheels, especially in Broken Springs where hand gestures trump street signs. Just tonight I saw someone stopped on Fairy at Main Street, as if the intersection was a four way stop.

To our knowledge, there was only one casualty in the other night’s six hour power outage, not counting the meat in my freezer. The carp that got stuck in the dam, which in turn blew the transformer and shut down the power, didn’t survive, despite many efforts on the part of rescue personnel - including our own recently promoted Daniel Shame, who tried saving the fish by giving it mouth to mouth. It’s no wonder the poor thing died. As if getting stuck in the dam wasn’t bad enough.

But you would’ve thought the Apocalypse itself came to Broken Springs with no power. It makes you wonder how our ancestors survived in a world with no laptops, cable, mp3 players, or cordless telephones. No wonder they had so many kids back then.

Did everyone read Dick Commando’s latest Deep Thoughts letter to the Journalistic Error? If not, pick up a copy and turn to page two. It’s a real doozy. Buried somewhere around page 89 of the paper is another letter, criticizing the Commando letters. As usual, reason takes a back page in our weekly rag.

Here at Broken Springs Manor, we’re huge Chicago Bears fans, unlike that Troublemaker Boob, who’s a pesky Lions fan (has he no taste?) It’s been twenty-one years since Da Bears made it to the Superbowl and Vegas shows them as seven point underdogs. Lord knows I’ve been wrong about much in my life, but I don’t think I’m wrong when I predict that the Bears will pounce on those poor Colts and their precious Peyton Manning. You heard it here first. Bears by six… ten if Rex doesn’t throw any picks.

In the police blotter this week… a couple was driving home one cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying on the side of the road, and the woman saw that it was still alive. She said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He answered, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked him.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

His answer? "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Until next time…
Downward, inside out…