The Great Brandi Carlile

I have a pool teammate who's the spitting image of Brandi Carlile, with the same personality full of spunk.

Broken Springs Water Tower

The BS Village Council is considering a new paintjob for our water tower. Might I suggest the following color scheme?

My Italy Slideshow

Bitch is the new black

Disney in pictures...

A Lullaby

Presidential Paintball

Christmas in Broken Springs

Potent and Impotent

Did everyone rekindle their Christmas Spirit in downtown Broken Springs Thursday night? I can't I say did. In fact, the only thing I wanted to rekindle was a stick of dynamite in the anal cavity of whomever was responsible for blocking off downtown while everyone is trying to get home from work. As I understand it, the hoopla was celebrating not only Christmas, but the completion of the disaster known locally as the Streetscrape Project. I'm gussing that means that our new bump outs have bumped out as far as they're ever going to bump out, and our retarded Elton John benches will forever go both ways. Our new Christmas decorations look exactly like our old decorations, only much more expensive.

It was interesting to read that Village employees have combatted the current hard economic times with a nifty 3% pay raise. We here at NFBS were particularly thrilled to see that included in the list of benefitted Village employees was none other than Litter and Debris Code Enforcement Officer Daniel Shame. He will now make $22.95 an hour to trespass instead of the piddley $22.28 he was making before the wage increase. I can think of no better person to offer the pay raise to, unless you count every other person on the friggin planet, and a few animals as well.

And speaking of Junior...

Proving once again that more than terrorism, more than a nuclear explosion, more than cell phone talking Adventist drivers trying to get home before sundown on a Friday night, the biggest threat to Broken Springs is blight, the Village Council has decided to hire a backup Code Enforcement Officer. The decision, according to this week's Journalistic Error, is partly due to the possibility that current Trash Cop Daniel Shame may resign.

Now that would rekindle my spirit.

An Identity Theft Seminar will be offered December 11th at the library. Residents interested in attending the seminar can call the library and leave their name, in addition to their phone, social security, and ATM PIN numbers to register for the seminar.

It's campaign season, and the recently mentioned local rag has declared its position with the publication of their first recycled political joke. So here is our first joke, establishing our political position:

When Hillary Clinton heard that Rudy Giuliani will run against her for President, she became very depressed. She said that if she wanted to spend the next year battling an adulterer, she could've stayed at home.

Tasered to Death

Trash Cop Asks for Raise

Litter and Debris Ordinance Code Enforcement Officer Daniel Shame (known more commonly around this neck of the woods as the Trash Cop) has recently asked for a raise in pay, according to minutes to a recent Broken County Board meeting. He requested the raise because his current wage, twenty-five dollars an hour, just isn’t enough to cover his divorce lawyer, his gas guzzling Bronco, and the new set of bow and arrows he’s recently put on lay away at Kmart. He’s also asked for help in paying his cell phone bill, because according to Shame, he uses it almost exclusively for his job, not including the 1-900 calls, which he only makes after he’s driven around Broken County at least three times looking for blight ordinance violations.

Residents of Broken County are displeased with the job Shame has done, particularly those residents he’s cited as violators. But the board seems quite content with his job performance, despite the fact that Broken County ranks in beauty right behind the back alleys in Harlem. Asked why Broken County is still so far away from the mythical suburbs of Wisteria Lane with its flower beds and perfect length lawns, resident Jim Bob Johnson says, “Well, you can put a dress on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

This is not the first time Broken Township’s Litter and Debris Ordinance has caused a stir. Several years ago, the Township took Earl Waxmell to court over safety issues regarding tires on his salvage yard that he’d been operating since the 1980s. Waxmell’s “unsafe” property was safe enough legally speaking until someone got tired of looking at a bunch of old tires. This was when the Board started to dress the pig.

Harry Fishhook, who operates a car repair shop on the corner of Dans Hill Road and M-140, was cited for his property full of inoperable cars. Apparently there are those in the township who don’t quite grasp the concept of owning a car repair shop. If the cars were operable, Harry Fishhook’s business would sink, much like Daniel Shame’s reputation amongst the locals. Fishhook has also questioned the need for the trash cop to wear a gun while doing his job. To this, Board President Pete Dixby has responded, “We can’t very well ask Shame to trespass on private property unarmed, can we?”


Nearby in the slightly less visually offensive town of Broken Springs, Trash Cop Shame does his duty in a more conducive environment. His wage from the Village of Broken Springs, whatever it is (we’ve lost track after the third raise) is quite satisfactory and rarely does his trespassing or overstepping of civil liberty cause any ruckus. In fact, the Council even praises him for it. But then again, with a relative on the Village Council, is anyone surprised that the Trash Cop has limitless power? We may be rid of him as a real cop on the streets of Broken Springs, but he haunts us still. Let’s all just hope that someday Trash Cop Daniel Shame is disposed of.

My New Favorite Show

Too bad Daniel Shame didn't have powers like this...



You can watch the complete episodes on ABC.com
And if you like the dark humor of Pushing Daisies, you should really check out the old canceled Showtime series, Dead Like Me, viewable online here.

Cubs Lose: Cosmos Safe

In historic fashion, the curse of the Billy Goat again reared its ugly head on those Lovable Losers, the Chicago Cubs. Game three of the National League Division Series ended with the Arizona Diamondbacks beating the Cubbies by the score of 5-1. The serpents stung Chicago Cub Rich Hill so bad he only lasted four innings in the post season game, ensuring the continuation of planetary rotation and balance within the cosmos.

"On the one hand, I'm severely disappointed," said 86-year-old Bud Cromsky, a die hard Chicago Cub fan, "But at least there'll be no Armageddon."

Continued life on earth has, of all things, a Billy Goat to thank. During the Cubs' last trip to the Series in 1945, Chicago tavern-keeper, Sam Sianis and his pet goat Murphy were denied entrance into Wrigley Field. Sianis said, "Never again will World Series be played in Wrigley Field,�€� or so the tale is told. The moral of this story is: don't tick off a man with a goat. Of course curses cannot live on Billy Goats alone.

In 1969, a black cat walked across Wrigley Field and the Cubs lost to the New York Mets. The superstition that followed was predictable, but rarely is the question asked: how did a cat get into Wrigley when a Billy Goat doesn't stand a chance?

In the eighth inning of game six of 2003's LCS between the Marlins and the Cubs, with the Cubs just innings away from a World Series, one of the Cubs' very own helped further along their losing streak. On a pop foul near the left field line, Chicago outfielder Moises Alou seemed poised to pocket the second out of the inning. But a Cubbie fan deflected the ball away from Alou's glove, and the inevitable chaos ensued. An error, a walk, eight runs, and several cups of beer spilt on the infamous fan later, the Cubs rolled over faster than John F. on Marilyn Monroe.

It's been 99 years since the Chicago Cubs won a World Series. Bud Cromsky was but a twinkle in his pop's eye. Back then Wrigley Field didn't have lights because electricity had not yet been invented. Neither had television, the internet, or air conditioning. Back then Chicago wasn't even the Windy City yet. It was affectionately known as the Slightly Breezy City.

One can only wonder how much the world will have changed if the Chicago Cubs ever return to the World Series. I've got my money on robotic pitchers and beer that stays cold without refrigeration. But in the meantime, we should celebrate the continued stability of the cosmos.

A Comedy Classic

Not funny at all

And to think, we almost had this in Broken Springs...

Another innocent man tased and arrested for nothing

Titties and Beer

Performing tonight at the Morris Civic...

Potent and Impotent

How's everyone? I've been busy trying to find something to write about but so far the pickings are slim. Apparently the decision to make Officer Mort Allgay Interim Police Chief was the worst possible scenario for the future of this particular publication. He's kept the department in tip top shape, which is a pity for our subscribers because now we're forced to bribe people with chocolate to come to this website.

As you may have noticed, we did run a story in which we referred to the Police Chief still as Jimmy Kingston. The truth is we will probably continue to do so, only because we find Kingston to be a much more colorful fellow than Allgay. So in the fictional Broken Springs, we like to think - as some of our FOJ friends already do - that Jim Kingston will always be Chief to us.

I'm so glad that the Streetscrape Project was completed, as promised, before the start of the fair one month ago. I've almost forgotten what color those orange barrels were that littered our town.

Three cheers for Streetscrape! Did former Mayor Jan Chaddwich have a wonderful idea or what? The weeds in the median give our quaint little village a prairie look. The medians narrowed our roads so that anything wider than a motorcycle cannot pass through. And those bump outs...! Won't those be the perfect speed bumps for Adventist drivers speeding through town and rolling through our stop signs? The generic looking street lamps look like they've come straight out of a knockoff Norman Rockwell painting. And the clincher... as if all that were not enough... is the backwards facing benches. Tell me, have you ever seen anything more... well, backwards? All the other towns are sure to get jealous and imitate us, at which point, we can simply flip the benches around and be the only normal town in Broken County. What a genius idea. I dunno about you but I'd much rather watch a man with a beard full of scrambled eggs eat breakfast than watch the dozens of cars speeding past to get out of our God forsaken town as fast as they can.

Three cheers for Jan Chaddwich's Streetscrape Project! Why we didn't spend $800,000 of our hard earned tax dollars sooner to tear up our streets and detour traffic for half a year is beyond me.

There is good news in Broken Township, where Daniel Shame still reigns as Garbarge Cop, defending our streets against litter and debris, which threaten our very existence. The biggest problem Broken Township has to worry about is litter and debris on private property owners land. Even an automobile repair shop was cited for their unrunning vehicles. Are you kidding? Next thing you know, they'll be citing a junk man for his junk. Oh wait, they've already done that. When it comes to ugliness that is litter and debris, I say what's the use of hiding it? It's like an 80 year old getting a face lift.

If the inside is rotten, why pretend the outside isn't?

Some of you may remember the Jeremiah story about the man who loved his daughter so much he couldn't keep his hands off her. I'm happy to report that Jeremiah, despite passing the lie detector test Jim Kingston arranged for him, is behind bars and no longer a threat to little Kaylee.

Perhaps there is justice in the world after all.

Until next time, downward and in a spiral....

Child Destroyed by Police after Biting Dog

A labrador retriever was bitten by a 12-year-old boy running loose around the Broken County Fairgrounds Sunday, according to Police Chief Jim Kingston.

Police were called after the incident sent the retriever to Lakeview Pet Hospital in Niles. The dog sustained several injuries to his front legs and one ear was pulled longer than the other.

The vet talked with Officer Mike Lundgren and told him that the child should be immediately located and tested for rabies. Otherwise the dog was going to have to be put on a series of painful shots and medications that were by no means, according to Dr. Jerry Affe, “a walk in the park.” Police then scoped the neighborhood until they spotted the boy swinging in the park near the school. The child was then humanely put down with two bullets between the eyes.

“It’s unforgivable to let your children run loose,” said Chief Kingston. “Not only is it inconsiderate but it’s also against the law,” he added, citing a Village resolution passed last year requiring all children thirteen years old and younger to be kept on a leash at all times unless they’re kept inside a locked house.

Unauthorized negligence of youngsters has posed a public nuisance in the past in the quaint little village of Broken Springs with incidents ranging from teachers’ houses being tee-pee-ed to paintball pranks. But this is the first time in Broken Springs history when a child’s mischief has resulted in his own demise.

“Who knows what those little critters are carrying around,” justified Chief Kingston, referring to the children. “They’ve been known to carry infectious diseases and harmful insects all in our houses and schools. It’s a wonder any of us survive daily contact with them.”

The child in question has so far gone unclaimed. Because he was not wearing tags, even the boy’s name is a mystery. If anyone knows anything about the identification of the child, the department would appreciate knowing so they can properly bill the boy’s family for funeral and burial costs.

True Story

One hot summer day, a Broken Springs local came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into Coyote's Watering Hole for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a Broken Springs cop came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The man said that it was his.

The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The Broken Springs man replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool cause I got 'er tied under the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be bred.

"No way," the said the man, "My dog don't need bread, she's not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The man looks at the cop and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"