Broken Springs Water Tower

The BS Village Council is considering a new paintjob for our water tower. Might I suggest the following color scheme?

Potent and Impotent

Did everyone rekindle their Christmas Spirit in downtown Broken Springs Thursday night? I can't I say did. In fact, the only thing I wanted to rekindle was a stick of dynamite in the anal cavity of whomever was responsible for blocking off downtown while everyone is trying to get home from work. As I understand it, the hoopla was celebrating not only Christmas, but the completion of the disaster known locally as the Streetscrape Project. I'm gussing that means that our new bump outs have bumped out as far as they're ever going to bump out, and our retarded Elton John benches will forever go both ways. Our new Christmas decorations look exactly like our old decorations, only much more expensive.

It was interesting to read that Village employees have combatted the current hard economic times with a nifty 3% pay raise. We here at NFBS were particularly thrilled to see that included in the list of benefitted Village employees was none other than Litter and Debris Code Enforcement Officer Daniel Shame. He will now make $22.95 an hour to trespass instead of the piddley $22.28 he was making before the wage increase. I can think of no better person to offer the pay raise to, unless you count every other person on the friggin planet, and a few animals as well.

And speaking of Junior...

Proving once again that more than terrorism, more than a nuclear explosion, more than cell phone talking Adventist drivers trying to get home before sundown on a Friday night, the biggest threat to Broken Springs is blight, the Village Council has decided to hire a backup Code Enforcement Officer. The decision, according to this week's Journalistic Error, is partly due to the possibility that current Trash Cop Daniel Shame may resign.

Now that would rekindle my spirit.

An Identity Theft Seminar will be offered December 11th at the library. Residents interested in attending the seminar can call the library and leave their name, in addition to their phone, social security, and ATM PIN numbers to register for the seminar.

It's campaign season, and the recently mentioned local rag has declared its position with the publication of their first recycled political joke. So here is our first joke, establishing our political position:

When Hillary Clinton heard that Rudy Giuliani will run against her for President, she became very depressed. She said that if she wanted to spend the next year battling an adulterer, she could've stayed at home.

Trash Cop Asks for Raise

Litter and Debris Ordinance Code Enforcement Officer Daniel Shame (known more commonly around this neck of the woods as the Trash Cop) has recently asked for a raise in pay, according to minutes to a recent Broken County Board meeting. He requested the raise because his current wage, twenty-five dollars an hour, just isn’t enough to cover his divorce lawyer, his gas guzzling Bronco, and the new set of bow and arrows he’s recently put on lay away at Kmart. He’s also asked for help in paying his cell phone bill, because according to Shame, he uses it almost exclusively for his job, not including the 1-900 calls, which he only makes after he’s driven around Broken County at least three times looking for blight ordinance violations.

Residents of Broken County are displeased with the job Shame has done, particularly those residents he’s cited as violators. But the board seems quite content with his job performance, despite the fact that Broken County ranks in beauty right behind the back alleys in Harlem. Asked why Broken County is still so far away from the mythical suburbs of Wisteria Lane with its flower beds and perfect length lawns, resident Jim Bob Johnson says, “Well, you can put a dress on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

This is not the first time Broken Township’s Litter and Debris Ordinance has caused a stir. Several years ago, the Township took Earl Waxmell to court over safety issues regarding tires on his salvage yard that he’d been operating since the 1980s. Waxmell’s “unsafe” property was safe enough legally speaking until someone got tired of looking at a bunch of old tires. This was when the Board started to dress the pig.

Harry Fishhook, who operates a car repair shop on the corner of Dans Hill Road and M-140, was cited for his property full of inoperable cars. Apparently there are those in the township who don’t quite grasp the concept of owning a car repair shop. If the cars were operable, Harry Fishhook’s business would sink, much like Daniel Shame’s reputation amongst the locals. Fishhook has also questioned the need for the trash cop to wear a gun while doing his job. To this, Board President Pete Dixby has responded, “We can’t very well ask Shame to trespass on private property unarmed, can we?”


Nearby in the slightly less visually offensive town of Broken Springs, Trash Cop Shame does his duty in a more conducive environment. His wage from the Village of Broken Springs, whatever it is (we’ve lost track after the third raise) is quite satisfactory and rarely does his trespassing or overstepping of civil liberty cause any ruckus. In fact, the Council even praises him for it. But then again, with a relative on the Village Council, is anyone surprised that the Trash Cop has limitless power? We may be rid of him as a real cop on the streets of Broken Springs, but he haunts us still. Let’s all just hope that someday Trash Cop Daniel Shame is disposed of.

Potent and Impotent

News from Broken Springs has recently reached a milestone. We’ve been online for less than two years (which is less than half the time our previous publication was online) and we’ve had over 10,000 hits (which is more than ten times what our previous publication had). About this time, coincidently, the last of the “Three Stooges” who once threatened to sue us merely for exercising our first amendment rights (and threatened to arrest us over our last publication) has jumped off the Broken Springs sinking ship. Chief Kingston has agreed to resign. Our fair town is going through some massive changes and I don’t just mean the streets.

We at NFBS believe these changes are generally for the better. Perhaps not for the better of this publication because we’re like a tabloid without celebrities now. But for the future of BS, we’re willing to take one for the team. Good riddance, three stooges. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

Oh, that’s not to say that local stories are a thing of the past. There will always be that silly Broken Springs Village Council making those silly decisions that affect all of our lives. The Village People (as we like to call them around the office water cooler) are consistently stepping on the rake of satire. Thank Heavens. And of course, our satirical fingers are always able to find a target in that quack we have for a President.

Now, to celebrate the passing of Chief Kingston’s tenure as Police Thief, here is a nice racist joke he’d love…

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo same yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Mayor Resigns !!

Jan Chaddwick, the first elected President of the Village of Broken Springs with a vagina, has turned in her resignation (but not her vagina) to the Council, effective April 1st, no foolin’.


President Pro Tem Bob Pezdispenser, who currently lacks a vagina, will take over the role of President until the Council can appoint a new Vagina in Chief to serve until the September election.

Asked whether he’ll be able to run the Village despite the fact that he’s not a woman, he responded, “Well, I won’t pursue a lawsuit every 28 days and I’ll probably be tearing out the pink carpet in the Village Hall. But other than that, things will stay pretty much the same.”

Ms. Chaddwick has been on the Village Council for eight long years. She seceded Mayorship from the Village’s first non-elected female Mayor, Marian Kiljoy. At the time of Kiljoy’s climb to power, many underestimated the power a mere woman could have in a town that had been run by men for over a century. But Kiljoy set the foundation for a strong Mayorship, which Chaddwick expanded more than many thought was humanly possible. In retrospect, Kiljoy wasn’t half the despot Chaddwick grew to be.

Not that she wasn’t fully grown when she took office…

Among her many achievements, Ms. Chaddwick will forever be known for:

• Suing the Township for half a million dollars because they had the gall to bend to the will of their constituents during the Sewer Project Scandal. Proving once again that crap flows downhill, the Township got it in the end. Township taxpayers were flushed out of hundreds of thousands of dollars all in the name of Operation Tidy Bowl, the Chaddwickian pursuit of universal toilets, no matter what the cost or who leaves the lid up.

• With the help of the aforementioned lawsuit settlement, Chaddwick helped balance the budget for the Village for the first time since Broken Springs was the county seat. In fact, with a half a mill in the bank, the Village’s budget will be balanced for the next 26 years, respectfully.

• Installing two vending machines in the Village Hall lobby, and furthermore, insisting that they always have a full supply of Hostess cupcakes, Twinkees, and Krispy Kremes.

• The about-to-be-commenced Street Scrape Project, which will tear up our roads in the pursuit of beautification of our fair city. Long term goals of the project include remodeling Broken Springs to look like a Norman Rockwell painting so that people will no longer throw their gum in the streets or shoot at local businesses with paintball guns.

• And last but certainly not least, Chaddwick lent her name to the infamous Cease and Desist letter News from Broken Springs received last year, attempting to censor a legitimate new source such as ourselves. Voltaire’s quote comes to mind: It is the characteristic of the most stringent censorships, that they give credibility to the opinions they attack.
  

When asked if she would miss governing the Village, Ms. Chaddwick said she'd miss the power but not the criticism. "The people of Broken Springs won't have Jan Chaddwick to kick around anymore," she said.

But that's an exaggeration. It's more like her larger than life frame's been slightly budged around by foot.

Ms. Chaddwick ended her interview with NFBS with the following reflection from St. Peter:

“It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.”

“Especially that last part,” she said, to which we here at NFBS responded with an Albert Camus quote of our own:

"Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear."

Campaign Signs Violate Blight Ordinance

Broken Springs Village Council decided Monday night to include certain campaign signs in residents front yards in the current blight ordinance that protects us from the threat of litter and debris. The move is a controversial one however because not all campaign signs are treated equal. Namely, the signs of Village President Jan Chaddwick and her slate of political incumbents are not to be considered blight while those of any potential opponents are deemed “the most offensive blight known to humankind,” according to the meeting minutes of Village Clerk Cherry Pickens-Kingston. Those signs violating the ordinance are to be dealt with “quietly and immediately,” according to the policy.

“This is a special provision for our quaint little village,” commented Chaddwick after the meeting. “For too long we in Broken Springs have had to suffer the ugly expression of democracy, from critical bloggers to the distribution of opposing political candidacies. Now we’ll be able to see democracy for the beautiful thing that it is, in this case a 'Re-elect Jan Chaddwick for Mayor' yard sign.” Her eyes glinted as she held up a pink, white, and blue campaign sign with her name spelled out in roses. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to celebrate my future victory with a 12 piece bucket from KFC.” She almost skipped away from the meeting.

Litter and Debris Officer and part time midget playboy Daniel Shame also applauded the move, granting the council members the foresight to predict an ugly campaign by Chaddwick opponents. “These people will do anything to get attention including plastering the lawns of ordinary citizens. It’s shameful, really. Broken Springs residents should realize that their yards are not billboards.” With that, Shame stepped up into his Ford Bronco, covered with confederate flag and Nascar bumper stickers, and sped away.

Those opposing Chaddwick and her slate of politicians could not be reached for comment, as they were busy packing their bags for a town with more people than cows.

Broken Springs Village Council Repeals Free Speech

In a not-so-shocking 6-0 vote, the Broken Springs Village Council passed an ordinance repealing “certain distasteful segments of the First Amendment,” according to Broken Springs Village President-for-Life Jan Chaddwick.

“We couldn’t intimidate Troublemaker Boob, Mrs. Didyaseedat, or that Throat character into reason, and Boob is still gushing his blatantly anti-Chaddwick/Kingston propaganda, so we’ve decided to take a necessary step toward creating the kind of harmony between our two governments that Mr. Brokencan called for,” stated Jan Chaddwick in an exclusive with NFBS. “And this type of emergency measure, drastic as it may sound, is what we believe to be a necessity for restoring order.”

Specifically, the ordinance repeals the last three sentences contained in the First Amendment for the “common citizenry” of Broken Springs: “[Congress shall pass no law]…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Just exactly who is defined as “common citizenry” will be left up to Broken Springs Village Clerk Shady Kingston, according to the ordinance.

“Mrs. Kingston has performed her duties as Village Clerk down to the letter of her job description which, coincidentally, is exactly how I see things,” stated Chaddwick, “and she has, in the past, interpreted Statutes to meet our standard of governing. Matter of fact, if Troublemaker Boob hadn’t abused the First Amendment in the first place, that 'Vote Yes' Police Millage sign would still be in place for this year’s vote, and we wouldn’t have to pay some flunky…sorry, I meant dedicated Village employee…his usual $6.50 an hour to replace the 'Respect for Law Month' wording."

When queried as to the potential selective enforcement of this ordinance, Chaddwick stated, “Well, take a look at Oil Brokencan, for example. He has shown uncommon intellect in his public commentaries; matter of fact, he is the perfect example of 'uncommon citizenry' in our community. The fact that he is the father of our esteemed Village Clerk, as well as the father-in-law of the Police Chief is inconsequential.”

Chaddwick continued, “On the other hand, we feel that Boob and his ilk are very common and, therefore, fit into the definition of our new ordinance quite nicely. We are, once again, setting up our ‘re-education camps’ out at Peckerwood Inn for people like him, who continue to mock and catcall our performance despite our best attempts to unify both governing bodies with reason.”

When questioned about the legality of the Council’s action, Chaddwick laughed so heartily that jelly donut crumbs fell out of the folds of her blouse. She stated, “I’m confident that this will withstand any scrutiny; I’m certain that our County Prosecutor will agree with us; matter of fact, Police Chief Kingston and him have an ‘understanding’ that transcends any potential misstep on our part.”

Broken County Prosecutor John Hyman, contacted at home, said that “Anything that benefits order is fine with me, as long as it's citizens that bear the brunt of it." We asked him to elaborate, but he stated that he had to hang up, on account of his wife having balance problems (something about “missing steps” and a “program” that she’s involved with).

Chaddwick, when given Hyman’s statement, laughed and said “I knew that, once again, we could count on his support”.

Fortunately, NFBS is published in Onoyoko Township and, as such, is not subject to this new ordinance; however, Chaddwick grinned like she had just found a new box of Krispy Kremes and said, “We’re working on Mr. Hildecrust,” whatever that means.

*NFBS wishes to thank a Mr. Otto Titsling for this delicious dirt.

Mayor Demands Apology

Take it back, you meanie, she tells township rival...

Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick has demanded an apology for what she’s called a “low blow, below the belt” made by Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust in regard to the police department. “There was a comment made at the last police commission meeting implying that our police officers have an unusual case of flatulence. And nothing could be further from the truth,” she told News from Broken Springs.

“What I said,” clarified Hildecrust, “is that I don’t want our cops using the department gas tanks to fill up their personal vehicles. It’s embarrassing enough when our star cop gets caught playing William "Don’t Ask Don’t Tell" on company time, I don’t need to be dealing with allegations of fuel swiping on top of everything else. If I have to worry about something, why can‘t it just be Medicare like everyone else my age?”

Hildecrust, who personally spearheaded the campaign to get the gas tanks after the LSD school district privatized their transportation department, insists that he was only trying to nip a potential problem ‘in the bud’ by directing his comment to Police Chief Jim Kingston.

“It goes without saying,” answered Kingston at the meeting, wishing Hildecrust had not said it.

“It was totally uncalled for,” commented the Mayor’s wife, Stan Chaddwick after the village council meeting. “I mean, other than the archery incident, and the hunting incident, and the Christmas Care Bear discrepancies, and the cashing of the Taser checks, and the sexual harassment suit ages ago, and the political intimidation of that black Haitian guy running for council, name me one single time our police department has ever acted dishonorably.”

Ms. Chaddwick, who suffers from occasional diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, also had second thoughts about whether or not four mills would be enough to fund the overstaffed, overpaid bare bones budgeted police department next year. The millage election is set for August 8th, and despite the Mayor’s doubts, it’s too late to change the amount of mills requested.

The gas issue also fueled questions regarding the possible Township takeover of the police department. “I hope they (the township) aren’t waiting for us to pass this millage before they yank the carpet out from under us,” speculated the always paranoid Chaddwick.

“Is this the calm before the storm?” sputtered a very worried Bob Dustpan.

“Don’t worry,” insisted Paul Pezdispensor. “It’s always darkest right before dawn.”

“And the early bird catches the worm,” added Mike Tendergrass.

“But what if we’re the worm?” asked Chaddwick with a look of dread in her eyes.

Mayor Squashes Rumors

Rumors that Broken Springs Mayor Jan Chaddwick is ill and considering giving up politics have been “greatly exaggerated,” according to Chaddwick herself, interviewed while bedridden at home. She insists that she’s as healthy as ever with good vitals, confirmed by her doctors at Broken General Hospital. Her blood pressure remains a very healthy 220 over 140 and her cholesterol’s never been better, clocking in at 297. Her private physician assures News from Broken Springs that if required, Chaddwick could still run a mile at the breakneck pace of 42 minutes, and just yesterday she bench pressed 240 and swam a lap and a half in the LSD swimming pool.

When asked to explain her recent absence from many government meetings, she called it a stroke of bad timing due to her professional obligations. “I’ve been working and pacing. Would an unhealthy person be able to pace so frantically?”

Rumors began spreading in the small metropolis of Broken Springs that Chaddwick was ill just as soon as she started questioning the finances of the police budget. Chaddwick, affectionately known as ‘Ole Tax and Spend Jan’ by local residents, began to find ways to make the police budget more fiscally responsible. She noted that she and fellow commissioners had already made “significant cuts” to the budget, which saved village and township residents an unprecedented $400 last year. “Jan, trying to save money? She must be sick,” said an audience member at a meeting, which is perhaps how the rumor got started to begin with.

Chaddwick has a history of illness, most notably diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain. But so far these ailments have not affected her ability to govern Broken Springs. She called the rumors “unimaginable” and urged people to mind their own business.

Police Chief Jimmy Kingston added that he was concerned about the Mayor after hearing through his Bionic Ear what he classified as a troubling cough coming from her home late Saturday night. But she later assured him that it was only a bug she picked up from a snot nosed little brat at work.

“She doesn’t look any more sick than usual to me,” said Village Council Vice President Bob Pezdispenser. “The first sign of sickness is losing weight, so she must be as healthy as a horse.”

“A healthy horse, or that horse in Watervleit?” asked resident Rhett Damon, a former priest who’d heard rumors that the Mayor had been attacked by the cougar. “Is it a situation where we need to pray for her?”

Stan Chaddwick, the Mayor’s wife, answered, “Here in Broken Springs, we need to pray for everyone.”

Amen to that.

Kingston Appointed Bikini Inspector

The Broken Springs Village Council Monday night passed a new ordinance, just in time for spring that may affect many residents who sunbathe in the village limits. The ordinance, entitled the Public Bikini Act will require all potential sunbathers to have their bathing suits inspected and authorized by the Chief of Police before wearing them out of doors. The suits will be inspected for compliance with community standards which includes proper coverage of one’s cleavage and general good taste in fashion to make sure that no lewd or obscene bikinis harm the eyesight of any 80 something year old neighbors looking out their back windows with binoculars.

The Village Council passed the ordinance by a 5-2 vote, with Mike Cinderellagrass, Will Duster, Curly Headed Sandy, and the Chaddwick husband-wife duo voting in favor, and Bill Pezdispensor and Peter Faygo voting against the resolution.

Police Chief Kingston, present in the audience, suggested the new ordinance after he gave a detailed account of the many complaints the BSOT Police had received in years past. “More and more people are calling in to report partial nudity and obscene behavior by their neighbors. It’s indecent. Worse than Larry Flynt,” said the Hustler subscriber who was once sued for sexual harassment. The moral Chief then went on to read a typical report to the council.

Sunday. 8 PM
Complaintent (Name withheld): My neighbor’s bikini just slipped off and her left nipple is exposed.
Dispatcher: What is the crime you’re reporting, sir?
Complaintent: It’s indecent. What if my grandkids were visiting?
Dispatcher: Where are you, sir?
Complaintent: In my backyard, leaning my head over the fence.
Dispatcher: Why are you leaning over the fence?
Complaintent: Can’t see, otherwise.
Dispatcher: What’s your complaint, sir?
Complaintent: Her other tit just flopped out. She’s naked as a jaybird now.
Dispatcher: There’s no law against sunbathing, sir. I’m sorry.
Complaintent: So am I. It’s getting dark and I won’t be able to see much longer.

After reading aloud this report, after the gasps from the blushing Village Council, Kingston proposed a resolution to avoid similar incidents this spring and summer. He offered to volunteer his time to inspect all bathing suits to make sure they meet community standards.

Village President Jan Chaddwick thanked the Chief and encouraged the Council to accept his offer. “Not just anyone would volunteer for such a daunting task,” said Chaddwick. “The fact that he’s offered to do it for free speaks volumes about his character and it’s just frosting on the cake,” added the President as she brought around the conversation to her area of expertise.

During the discussion which ensued, Peter Faygo explained why he intended to vote against the measure. “This is just another way of expanding the blight ordinance. If these bikinis are unsightly or if the women wearing them have cottage cheese thighs, what’s to stop Daniel Shame from citing them for violating the litter and debris code?”

But others disagreed. “Everyone has a right to wear a bikini, but nobody has a right to wear little more than dental floss covering their genital regions. Not in our quaint little village,“ said councilwoman Steven Chaddwick.

Resident Lonna Jackson, frequent sunbather, said she’d be happy to have her bikini inspected by the Chief because she trusts him with the law in his hands, and if the rumors are true, not only the law. "You shouldn’t be scared if you don’t have anything to cover up,” said the women with two things that jump out at you that probably should stay covered up.

Others in the crowd added their support of the popular Chief. “Sunbathing is a privilege, not a right,” said Village Attorney and our local editoress’s brother in law, Fred DeFrankfurter. “So we have every right to regulate it as we see fit.”

Asked by an audience member only known as Troublemaker Boob if he'll inspect male bathing suits, Kingston answered, “For that they’re gonna have to pay me.”

The following ordinance passed resoundingly.

Public Bikini Act

WHEREAS, the Village of Broken Springs has been plagued by skimpy bathing suits in years past and
WHEREAS, the Village is opposed to the open and shameless display of said bathing suits ,
NOW, THEREFORE, the Village adopts the following ordinance:

1. Before sunbathing within the Village limits, a female citizen must first have their bathing suit thoroughly inspected by a qualified obscenity officer (Chief Kingston) to determine if said bathing suit can be deemed suitable, of proper size, color, and tightness.

2. The suit will be subject to inspection at the will of said officer, in a location and time of his choosing.

3. Officer can and should request to see the bathing suit worn by said person.

4. Once it’s passed inspection, the suit will be licensed (tagged) and is able to be worn without penalty in the Village limits for one (1) year, at which time it will need to be re-inspected for its license renewal.

5. Failure to adhere to these inspections will result in a forfeiture of the said bathing suit and a forfeiture of the right to sunbathe ever again in Broken Springs.