Broken Springs Village Council Repeals Free Speech

In a not-so-shocking 6-0 vote, the Broken Springs Village Council passed an ordinance repealing “certain distasteful segments of the First Amendment,” according to Broken Springs Village President-for-Life Jan Chaddwick.

“We couldn’t intimidate Troublemaker Boob, Mrs. Didyaseedat, or that Throat character into reason, and Boob is still gushing his blatantly anti-Chaddwick/Kingston propaganda, so we’ve decided to take a necessary step toward creating the kind of harmony between our two governments that Mr. Brokencan called for,” stated Jan Chaddwick in an exclusive with NFBS. “And this type of emergency measure, drastic as it may sound, is what we believe to be a necessity for restoring order.”

Specifically, the ordinance repeals the last three sentences contained in the First Amendment for the “common citizenry” of Broken Springs: “[Congress shall pass no law]…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Just exactly who is defined as “common citizenry” will be left up to Broken Springs Village Clerk Shady Kingston, according to the ordinance.

“Mrs. Kingston has performed her duties as Village Clerk down to the letter of her job description which, coincidentally, is exactly how I see things,” stated Chaddwick, “and she has, in the past, interpreted Statutes to meet our standard of governing. Matter of fact, if Troublemaker Boob hadn’t abused the First Amendment in the first place, that 'Vote Yes' Police Millage sign would still be in place for this year’s vote, and we wouldn’t have to pay some flunky…sorry, I meant dedicated Village employee…his usual $6.50 an hour to replace the 'Respect for Law Month' wording."

When queried as to the potential selective enforcement of this ordinance, Chaddwick stated, “Well, take a look at Oil Brokencan, for example. He has shown uncommon intellect in his public commentaries; matter of fact, he is the perfect example of 'uncommon citizenry' in our community. The fact that he is the father of our esteemed Village Clerk, as well as the father-in-law of the Police Chief is inconsequential.”

Chaddwick continued, “On the other hand, we feel that Boob and his ilk are very common and, therefore, fit into the definition of our new ordinance quite nicely. We are, once again, setting up our ‘re-education camps’ out at Peckerwood Inn for people like him, who continue to mock and catcall our performance despite our best attempts to unify both governing bodies with reason.”

When questioned about the legality of the Council’s action, Chaddwick laughed so heartily that jelly donut crumbs fell out of the folds of her blouse. She stated, “I’m confident that this will withstand any scrutiny; I’m certain that our County Prosecutor will agree with us; matter of fact, Police Chief Kingston and him have an ‘understanding’ that transcends any potential misstep on our part.”

Broken County Prosecutor John Hyman, contacted at home, said that “Anything that benefits order is fine with me, as long as it's citizens that bear the brunt of it." We asked him to elaborate, but he stated that he had to hang up, on account of his wife having balance problems (something about “missing steps” and a “program” that she’s involved with).

Chaddwick, when given Hyman’s statement, laughed and said “I knew that, once again, we could count on his support”.

Fortunately, NFBS is published in Onoyoko Township and, as such, is not subject to this new ordinance; however, Chaddwick grinned like she had just found a new box of Krispy Kremes and said, “We’re working on Mr. Hildecrust,” whatever that means.

*NFBS wishes to thank a Mr. Otto Titsling for this delicious dirt.

Hildecrust’s remark clearly meant for fly on wall

Dear Editor,

I’d like to take a minute out of your busy lives spent gossiping about your neighbor’s prolific love life to clear up a misunderstanding created by none other than the infamous Troublemaker Boob of Onoyoko Township (the Village of Broken Springs disowned him years ago). He foolishly submitted a letter to the editor of the Herald Republican in which he deliberately spoke for Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust, Village Mayor Jan Chaddwick, and her wife, Stan. All three people, last time I had my head down their mouths, have in their possession very capable tongues, enabling them all to speak for themselves. Well except for that one time when the Mayor managed to lodge her own foot in her mouth, but I promised her I’d never talk about that.

Mr. Hildecrust told me personally, after he was finished eating his dinner of fried crow and frog legs, that Mr. Boob didn’t have permission to speak for him. In fact, Mr. Supervisor, after he was done licking my family’s heels for dessert, told me specifically, “If anyone’s gonna put words in my mouth, I insist it be you, Oil.” As for the “honor system” comment he made at the police commission meeting last month, Mr. Hildecrust made it very clear that he was directing his remark not to our fair and well meaning police chief, but to a fly on the wall in the corner of the room. Any inference that his comment was directed at Chief Kingston is grossly misguided and very likely perpetuated by that evil gang of fools with personal vendettas that live scarcely in our otherwise perfect community.

We owe a debt of gratitude to Jan and Stan Chaddwick, who both do a job that nobody else wants but everyone wants to criticize. There is no law that prevents a husband wife duo to lead a small village. If there was, do you really think we would’ve allowed Bill and Hillary to run America last decade? But unlike Bill and Hillary, Jan and Stan are dignified folk with a strong moral backbone. Jan, in particular, must have the strongest backbone of anyone I know. Their comments about Mr. Hildecrust’s remarks were justified because, as I understand it, the majority of the audience was stunned when they heard what was said. I wasn’t actually at the meeting (penny poker night with the Masons) but I heard that once the laughing stopped, the audience was quite flabbergasted… more stunned even than when Phil Ruse cut the cheese in the middle of the Chief’s Report. Because it wasn’t made obvious to the crowd that his comment was aimed at the random fly on the wall in the back of the room, I think Mr. Hildecrust owes the police department (not to mention the poor fly) a sincere apology, and fifty dollars. Our fair minded and completely sane Police Chief, showing his maturity, handled the situation with utmost respect. His response of “That goes without saying” clearly implies that he too thought the comment was directed at he and his fine force of burly young men who defend Broken Springs from Terrorists and Mexicans.

But we all must forgive poor Mr. Hildecrust, as he’s getting up there in age and probably doesn’t realize what he’s saying most of the time (unlike me, who’s sharper than that ginsu knife you ordered off QVC one night after you got drunk watching Bruce Lee movies). Mr. Robert Boob, however, should never be forgiven for his deliberate attempts to publish his illogical opinions with the intent to hurt someone everyone else loves and honors. What does that Boob think this is, America?! He will more than likely print that my semen resulted in the birth of the Police Chief’s wife and for that I could not be prouder. If only Mr. Boob took the time to get to know my sperm in law (outside of reading about him in state investigation reports) he’d discover him to be a valiant and superb human being unmatched by any in our small town. A majority in the community already know that he’s better than the rest of us and we aren’t ashamed to admit it.

Very Sincerely Yours,
Oil Brokencan