Broken Springs Village Council Repeals Free Speech

In a not-so-shocking 6-0 vote, the Broken Springs Village Council passed an ordinance repealing “certain distasteful segments of the First Amendment,” according to Broken Springs Village President-for-Life Jan Chaddwick.

“We couldn’t intimidate Troublemaker Boob, Mrs. Didyaseedat, or that Throat character into reason, and Boob is still gushing his blatantly anti-Chaddwick/Kingston propaganda, so we’ve decided to take a necessary step toward creating the kind of harmony between our two governments that Mr. Brokencan called for,” stated Jan Chaddwick in an exclusive with NFBS. “And this type of emergency measure, drastic as it may sound, is what we believe to be a necessity for restoring order.”

Specifically, the ordinance repeals the last three sentences contained in the First Amendment for the “common citizenry” of Broken Springs: “[Congress shall pass no law]…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Just exactly who is defined as “common citizenry” will be left up to Broken Springs Village Clerk Shady Kingston, according to the ordinance.

“Mrs. Kingston has performed her duties as Village Clerk down to the letter of her job description which, coincidentally, is exactly how I see things,” stated Chaddwick, “and she has, in the past, interpreted Statutes to meet our standard of governing. Matter of fact, if Troublemaker Boob hadn’t abused the First Amendment in the first place, that 'Vote Yes' Police Millage sign would still be in place for this year’s vote, and we wouldn’t have to pay some flunky…sorry, I meant dedicated Village employee…his usual $6.50 an hour to replace the 'Respect for Law Month' wording."

When queried as to the potential selective enforcement of this ordinance, Chaddwick stated, “Well, take a look at Oil Brokencan, for example. He has shown uncommon intellect in his public commentaries; matter of fact, he is the perfect example of 'uncommon citizenry' in our community. The fact that he is the father of our esteemed Village Clerk, as well as the father-in-law of the Police Chief is inconsequential.”

Chaddwick continued, “On the other hand, we feel that Boob and his ilk are very common and, therefore, fit into the definition of our new ordinance quite nicely. We are, once again, setting up our ‘re-education camps’ out at Peckerwood Inn for people like him, who continue to mock and catcall our performance despite our best attempts to unify both governing bodies with reason.”

When questioned about the legality of the Council’s action, Chaddwick laughed so heartily that jelly donut crumbs fell out of the folds of her blouse. She stated, “I’m confident that this will withstand any scrutiny; I’m certain that our County Prosecutor will agree with us; matter of fact, Police Chief Kingston and him have an ‘understanding’ that transcends any potential misstep on our part.”

Broken County Prosecutor John Hyman, contacted at home, said that “Anything that benefits order is fine with me, as long as it's citizens that bear the brunt of it." We asked him to elaborate, but he stated that he had to hang up, on account of his wife having balance problems (something about “missing steps” and a “program” that she’s involved with).

Chaddwick, when given Hyman’s statement, laughed and said “I knew that, once again, we could count on his support”.

Fortunately, NFBS is published in Onoyoko Township and, as such, is not subject to this new ordinance; however, Chaddwick grinned like she had just found a new box of Krispy Kremes and said, “We’re working on Mr. Hildecrust,” whatever that means.

*NFBS wishes to thank a Mr. Otto Titsling for this delicious dirt.

To Jennifer Gonads

Those who earlier threatened me with a lawsuit over these satirical writings have yet to respond to my demand for a public retraction, so I've taken the liberty to respond for them, satirically of course. -st

Dear Ms. Gonads,

Be advised that we are in receipt of yours letter dated March 24, 2006 demanding a retraction (“Demand Retraction Letter“) for what you characterize as “defamatory remarks” made in our original corresponding letter dated March 21, 2006 (“Demand Letter“). It is regretful, although not surprising that as a US Citizen you resort to the now politically defunct Bill of Rights in your defense. Everyone knows that only terrorists demand the rights granted to them by the US Constitution, and since we are currently at war with terrorists, you ought to feel privileged that we sent this letter via Federal Express and not by A-Bomb.

In light of the fact that the Bill of Rights, even if still applicable, does not protect the right to be rude, your impoliteness will only result in the town’s utter disdain for you and anyone who associates with you. Not once in the Demand Retraction Letter did you say please or thank you. Furthermore, you failed to provide definitions for the Latin legal terms you used. We can only assume that when you wrote, “we hereby reject in toto your clients’ latest effort to intimidate us into foregoing our inalienable right to exercise our freedom of speech guaranteed by the First Amendment” you meant that you would not accept Dorothy’s little dog from us. Who do you think you are, the wicked witch of the west?

While my clients welcome the free expression of opinions insofar as they’re in agreement with their own public policies, my clients do not and will never invite public discourses that are juvenile, lewd, witty, clever, and unapologetically sophomoric. Therefore, we can only offer the following retraction in response to your Demand Retraction Letter.

When we suggested that Jennifer Gonads farts a lot and howls at the moon, we were mistaken. We now know that she does not howl at the moon. We apologize for the error.

In light of our now issued retraction, we demand from you a retraction for your Demand Retraction Letter. And if you file a countersuit against us, we will seek sanctions against you for filing a frivolous counter lawsuit. Furthermore we will poke you in the eyes like Moe did to Larry, Curly, and Shemp.

In closing, you should remember what that real satirist Mark Twain once said:

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

We anxiously await you to put on your shoes.

Very truly yours,

V. Skrewem & Howe

Potent and Impotent

As many of you know, NFBS has recently received a Cease and Desist letter which can be viewed here and page two here. All this time I just naturally assumed that the fictionalized town of Broken Springs existed in America… next thing they’ll be telling us is that cougars can’t write.

A big congrats to the Clover boys basketball team, which is playing in the semi-finals of the state championship as I type. May all their balls be nothing but net.

Meanwhile the Clover football team’s coach has unfortunately resigned due to unknown reasons. He’s always had a winning record and is massively popular among the boys. Let’s hope that if there was any politics involved, the two sides can swallow their pride and bring him back.

Please enjoy this blog. We very much hope it brings up a giggle now and again.

Local Editor Flogs Blogs, But Doesn’t Proofread

In this week’s Journalistic Error, editor Cathy Pullanhertoeifshehollarslethergo took a stab at her blogo-sphere compatriots by publishing a syndicated column written last year by Kathleen Parker entitled “Lord of the Blogs.“ But her reprint (with permission) includes a couple glaring inconsistencies and typos that scream for the attention of the local blogs, such as News From Broken Springs.

The first of these inconsistencies is the title itself, as you can see from the online link above is “Lord of the Blogs.” In the Journalistic Error, however, the title has been changed to “All About Bloggers,” as if it’s an encyclopedia entry about those who write Webblogs. A literate reader will note that Parker’s title doesn’t proclaim the article to be an extensive informational column on bloggers. Yet the Error Editor insists that Parker’s article is “all” there is to know about those who blog, when the article itself is an ad hominem editorial classifying the typical blogger as spoiled, undisciplined, lacking in wisdom and civility, immature, and better off ignored than read.

Anticipating that most Journalistic Error readers won’t bother to read an article on a seemingly irrelevant non-local issue by a conservative Florida columnist, Error’s Editor sums up “Lord of the Blogs” with her own propagandist subtitle, “Beware and resist the ego-gratifying pack that contributes only snark, sass and destruction.” That subtitle, although attributed to Ms. Parker in the Journalistic Error, is at best a paraphrase of Ms. Parker’s elegant prose near the end of her article: “But we should beware and resist the rest of the ego-gratifying rabble who contribute only snark, sass and destruction.”

The following questions must be asked. Why the subtle word change? Does the Journalistic Error simply prefer the word "pack" to "rabble" or is it something more clever and sinister than that? Could the Fairy Street Editor (whose favorite color is yellow) be subliminally insinuating that local bloggers are closer to wolves in the evolutionary spectrum than they are to civil humans who routinely vote in favor of police millages and read every word in the Journalistic Error as bona fide fact?

Does she wish to manipulate Parker’s words to match her own reality in Broken Springs where a “pack” of critical citizens have set up blogs and reported on the inadequacies of her weekly rag?

If (one can only hope) the Error truly feels threatened by these local blogs, does Pullanhertoe… condone the suppression of ideas and opinion in the online world? And lastly, if all this is true, shouldn’t she be checking the Iranian Want Ads for her next editorial job?


Another error in the Journalistic Error’s edition of the blog flog fluff piece is in the line “Likewise, many bloggers see the destruction of others for their own self-aggrandizement.” The actual article states, “Likewise, many bloggers seek the destruction of others for their own self-aggrandizement.” This lackluster news editing (carried on throughout every issue) flies in the face of most high grammatical standards in the newsprint world. The Error may defend the Broken Springs Police but apparently it enjoys running afoul of the grammar police. To be fair to Ms. Pullanhertoe.., much of her time is taken up by being on the Board of His Directory for Operation Christmas Care Bear and the Chamber of Combust. The spring vacations to Florida beaches are awfully time consuming, as well.

An entire half page was wasted in the reprinting of Parker’s article, which could have been read fresh off the page three months ago on the Op-Ed page of the Herald Republican at a cheaper newsstand price. The space in the Error could and should have been better utilized, perhaps by printing another letter to the editor praising Chief Kingston, or maybe with an architectural sketch of the soon to be renovated Broken Springs downtown area.

In any event, three cheers for the Journalistic Error and its infamous Yellow Editor for once again drawing attention to renegade blogs like News From Broken Springs and the BS Underground Reader. Our traffic thanks you.