Potent and Impotent

Boy, they’re dropping like flies in Broken Springs, aren’t they?

First Broken Springs’s Finest, Daniel Shame ups and leaves us to take another job (probably where they have tasers). Broken Springs won’t be Broken Springs without him. Then the Mayor resigns, leaving a big seat to fill in Village government. A huge seat. And soon Slaters Supermarket will be Fartings Friendly Market. Is nothing in Broken Springs sacred anymore?

I could see the writing on the wall in the case of Slaters. I first suspected they were in financial trouble when they started getting their shopping carts repossessed. But I guess the day had to come when they finally went under. They overpriced themselves right out of town. I’m one of the few born and raised BSer who never worked at Slaters. I’m neither boasting nor bitching. Just commenting.

All I can say is here at NFBS we sincerely hope Jim Kingston is well on his way to a speedy recovery. If not, our blogging days might be over completely.

Seriously though, Roy Smegley is not nearly the colorful figure that Jim Kingston is. And whoever replaces Jan Chaddwick won’t hold a candle to the headline making ability she had.

As Dylan once said, times… they are a-changin'. Will it be for the better or worse? Only time will tell. And Jagger said that time is on my side (yes it is) so I’m optimistic. And as Jerry Garcia once said, we might be going to Hell in a bucket but at least we’re enjoying the ride…

Private citizen Chaddwick’s parting words were so inspirational, it reminded me of this joke:

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter. "It's
only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what’s happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," she says, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Mayor Resigns !!

Jan Chaddwick, the first elected President of the Village of Broken Springs with a vagina, has turned in her resignation (but not her vagina) to the Council, effective April 1st, no foolin’.


President Pro Tem Bob Pezdispenser, who currently lacks a vagina, will take over the role of President until the Council can appoint a new Vagina in Chief to serve until the September election.

Asked whether he’ll be able to run the Village despite the fact that he’s not a woman, he responded, “Well, I won’t pursue a lawsuit every 28 days and I’ll probably be tearing out the pink carpet in the Village Hall. But other than that, things will stay pretty much the same.”

Ms. Chaddwick has been on the Village Council for eight long years. She seceded Mayorship from the Village’s first non-elected female Mayor, Marian Kiljoy. At the time of Kiljoy’s climb to power, many underestimated the power a mere woman could have in a town that had been run by men for over a century. But Kiljoy set the foundation for a strong Mayorship, which Chaddwick expanded more than many thought was humanly possible. In retrospect, Kiljoy wasn’t half the despot Chaddwick grew to be.

Not that she wasn’t fully grown when she took office…

Among her many achievements, Ms. Chaddwick will forever be known for:

• Suing the Township for half a million dollars because they had the gall to bend to the will of their constituents during the Sewer Project Scandal. Proving once again that crap flows downhill, the Township got it in the end. Township taxpayers were flushed out of hundreds of thousands of dollars all in the name of Operation Tidy Bowl, the Chaddwickian pursuit of universal toilets, no matter what the cost or who leaves the lid up.

• With the help of the aforementioned lawsuit settlement, Chaddwick helped balance the budget for the Village for the first time since Broken Springs was the county seat. In fact, with a half a mill in the bank, the Village’s budget will be balanced for the next 26 years, respectfully.

• Installing two vending machines in the Village Hall lobby, and furthermore, insisting that they always have a full supply of Hostess cupcakes, Twinkees, and Krispy Kremes.

• The about-to-be-commenced Street Scrape Project, which will tear up our roads in the pursuit of beautification of our fair city. Long term goals of the project include remodeling Broken Springs to look like a Norman Rockwell painting so that people will no longer throw their gum in the streets or shoot at local businesses with paintball guns.

• And last but certainly not least, Chaddwick lent her name to the infamous Cease and Desist letter News from Broken Springs received last year, attempting to censor a legitimate new source such as ourselves. Voltaire’s quote comes to mind: It is the characteristic of the most stringent censorships, that they give credibility to the opinions they attack.
  

When asked if she would miss governing the Village, Ms. Chaddwick said she'd miss the power but not the criticism. "The people of Broken Springs won't have Jan Chaddwick to kick around anymore," she said.

But that's an exaggeration. It's more like her larger than life frame's been slightly budged around by foot.

Ms. Chaddwick ended her interview with NFBS with the following reflection from St. Peter:

“It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.”

“Especially that last part,” she said, to which we here at NFBS responded with an Albert Camus quote of our own:

"Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear."

Campaign Signs Violate Blight Ordinance

Broken Springs Village Council decided Monday night to include certain campaign signs in residents front yards in the current blight ordinance that protects us from the threat of litter and debris. The move is a controversial one however because not all campaign signs are treated equal. Namely, the signs of Village President Jan Chaddwick and her slate of political incumbents are not to be considered blight while those of any potential opponents are deemed “the most offensive blight known to humankind,” according to the meeting minutes of Village Clerk Cherry Pickens-Kingston. Those signs violating the ordinance are to be dealt with “quietly and immediately,” according to the policy.

“This is a special provision for our quaint little village,” commented Chaddwick after the meeting. “For too long we in Broken Springs have had to suffer the ugly expression of democracy, from critical bloggers to the distribution of opposing political candidacies. Now we’ll be able to see democracy for the beautiful thing that it is, in this case a 'Re-elect Jan Chaddwick for Mayor' yard sign.” Her eyes glinted as she held up a pink, white, and blue campaign sign with her name spelled out in roses. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to celebrate my future victory with a 12 piece bucket from KFC.” She almost skipped away from the meeting.

Litter and Debris Officer and part time midget playboy Daniel Shame also applauded the move, granting the council members the foresight to predict an ugly campaign by Chaddwick opponents. “These people will do anything to get attention including plastering the lawns of ordinary citizens. It’s shameful, really. Broken Springs residents should realize that their yards are not billboards.” With that, Shame stepped up into his Ford Bronco, covered with confederate flag and Nascar bumper stickers, and sped away.

Those opposing Chaddwick and her slate of politicians could not be reached for comment, as they were busy packing their bags for a town with more people than cows.

Hildecrust’s remark clearly meant for fly on wall

Dear Editor,

I’d like to take a minute out of your busy lives spent gossiping about your neighbor’s prolific love life to clear up a misunderstanding created by none other than the infamous Troublemaker Boob of Onoyoko Township (the Village of Broken Springs disowned him years ago). He foolishly submitted a letter to the editor of the Herald Republican in which he deliberately spoke for Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust, Village Mayor Jan Chaddwick, and her wife, Stan. All three people, last time I had my head down their mouths, have in their possession very capable tongues, enabling them all to speak for themselves. Well except for that one time when the Mayor managed to lodge her own foot in her mouth, but I promised her I’d never talk about that.

Mr. Hildecrust told me personally, after he was finished eating his dinner of fried crow and frog legs, that Mr. Boob didn’t have permission to speak for him. In fact, Mr. Supervisor, after he was done licking my family’s heels for dessert, told me specifically, “If anyone’s gonna put words in my mouth, I insist it be you, Oil.” As for the “honor system” comment he made at the police commission meeting last month, Mr. Hildecrust made it very clear that he was directing his remark not to our fair and well meaning police chief, but to a fly on the wall in the corner of the room. Any inference that his comment was directed at Chief Kingston is grossly misguided and very likely perpetuated by that evil gang of fools with personal vendettas that live scarcely in our otherwise perfect community.

We owe a debt of gratitude to Jan and Stan Chaddwick, who both do a job that nobody else wants but everyone wants to criticize. There is no law that prevents a husband wife duo to lead a small village. If there was, do you really think we would’ve allowed Bill and Hillary to run America last decade? But unlike Bill and Hillary, Jan and Stan are dignified folk with a strong moral backbone. Jan, in particular, must have the strongest backbone of anyone I know. Their comments about Mr. Hildecrust’s remarks were justified because, as I understand it, the majority of the audience was stunned when they heard what was said. I wasn’t actually at the meeting (penny poker night with the Masons) but I heard that once the laughing stopped, the audience was quite flabbergasted… more stunned even than when Phil Ruse cut the cheese in the middle of the Chief’s Report. Because it wasn’t made obvious to the crowd that his comment was aimed at the random fly on the wall in the back of the room, I think Mr. Hildecrust owes the police department (not to mention the poor fly) a sincere apology, and fifty dollars. Our fair minded and completely sane Police Chief, showing his maturity, handled the situation with utmost respect. His response of “That goes without saying” clearly implies that he too thought the comment was directed at he and his fine force of burly young men who defend Broken Springs from Terrorists and Mexicans.

But we all must forgive poor Mr. Hildecrust, as he’s getting up there in age and probably doesn’t realize what he’s saying most of the time (unlike me, who’s sharper than that ginsu knife you ordered off QVC one night after you got drunk watching Bruce Lee movies). Mr. Robert Boob, however, should never be forgiven for his deliberate attempts to publish his illogical opinions with the intent to hurt someone everyone else loves and honors. What does that Boob think this is, America?! He will more than likely print that my semen resulted in the birth of the Police Chief’s wife and for that I could not be prouder. If only Mr. Boob took the time to get to know my sperm in law (outside of reading about him in state investigation reports) he’d discover him to be a valiant and superb human being unmatched by any in our small town. A majority in the community already know that he’s better than the rest of us and we aren’t ashamed to admit it.

Very Sincerely Yours,
Oil Brokencan

Mayor Demands Apology

Take it back, you meanie, she tells township rival...

Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick has demanded an apology for what she’s called a “low blow, below the belt” made by Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust in regard to the police department. “There was a comment made at the last police commission meeting implying that our police officers have an unusual case of flatulence. And nothing could be further from the truth,” she told News from Broken Springs.

“What I said,” clarified Hildecrust, “is that I don’t want our cops using the department gas tanks to fill up their personal vehicles. It’s embarrassing enough when our star cop gets caught playing William "Don’t Ask Don’t Tell" on company time, I don’t need to be dealing with allegations of fuel swiping on top of everything else. If I have to worry about something, why can‘t it just be Medicare like everyone else my age?”

Hildecrust, who personally spearheaded the campaign to get the gas tanks after the LSD school district privatized their transportation department, insists that he was only trying to nip a potential problem ‘in the bud’ by directing his comment to Police Chief Jim Kingston.

“It goes without saying,” answered Kingston at the meeting, wishing Hildecrust had not said it.

“It was totally uncalled for,” commented the Mayor’s wife, Stan Chaddwick after the village council meeting. “I mean, other than the archery incident, and the hunting incident, and the Christmas Care Bear discrepancies, and the cashing of the Taser checks, and the sexual harassment suit ages ago, and the political intimidation of that black Haitian guy running for council, name me one single time our police department has ever acted dishonorably.”

Ms. Chaddwick, who suffers from occasional diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, also had second thoughts about whether or not four mills would be enough to fund the overstaffed, overpaid bare bones budgeted police department next year. The millage election is set for August 8th, and despite the Mayor’s doubts, it’s too late to change the amount of mills requested.

The gas issue also fueled questions regarding the possible Township takeover of the police department. “I hope they (the township) aren’t waiting for us to pass this millage before they yank the carpet out from under us,” speculated the always paranoid Chaddwick.

“Is this the calm before the storm?” sputtered a very worried Bob Dustpan.

“Don’t worry,” insisted Paul Pezdispensor. “It’s always darkest right before dawn.”

“And the early bird catches the worm,” added Mike Tendergrass.

“But what if we’re the worm?” asked Chaddwick with a look of dread in her eyes.

Mayor Squashes Rumors

Rumors that Broken Springs Mayor Jan Chaddwick is ill and considering giving up politics have been “greatly exaggerated,” according to Chaddwick herself, interviewed while bedridden at home. She insists that she’s as healthy as ever with good vitals, confirmed by her doctors at Broken General Hospital. Her blood pressure remains a very healthy 220 over 140 and her cholesterol’s never been better, clocking in at 297. Her private physician assures News from Broken Springs that if required, Chaddwick could still run a mile at the breakneck pace of 42 minutes, and just yesterday she bench pressed 240 and swam a lap and a half in the LSD swimming pool.

When asked to explain her recent absence from many government meetings, she called it a stroke of bad timing due to her professional obligations. “I’ve been working and pacing. Would an unhealthy person be able to pace so frantically?”

Rumors began spreading in the small metropolis of Broken Springs that Chaddwick was ill just as soon as she started questioning the finances of the police budget. Chaddwick, affectionately known as ‘Ole Tax and Spend Jan’ by local residents, began to find ways to make the police budget more fiscally responsible. She noted that she and fellow commissioners had already made “significant cuts” to the budget, which saved village and township residents an unprecedented $400 last year. “Jan, trying to save money? She must be sick,” said an audience member at a meeting, which is perhaps how the rumor got started to begin with.

Chaddwick has a history of illness, most notably diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain. But so far these ailments have not affected her ability to govern Broken Springs. She called the rumors “unimaginable” and urged people to mind their own business.

Police Chief Jimmy Kingston added that he was concerned about the Mayor after hearing through his Bionic Ear what he classified as a troubling cough coming from her home late Saturday night. But she later assured him that it was only a bug she picked up from a snot nosed little brat at work.

“She doesn’t look any more sick than usual to me,” said Village Council Vice President Bob Pezdispenser. “The first sign of sickness is losing weight, so she must be as healthy as a horse.”

“A healthy horse, or that horse in Watervleit?” asked resident Rhett Damon, a former priest who’d heard rumors that the Mayor had been attacked by the cougar. “Is it a situation where we need to pray for her?”

Stan Chaddwick, the Mayor’s wife, answered, “Here in Broken Springs, we need to pray for everyone.”

Amen to that.

Police Commission Meeting

Just when you thought the Taser issue was dead… or at least temporarily subdued…

Before the meeting starts, all eyes are glued to the window. Across the street, our formidable Police Chief himself is attending to business by delivering someone he later referred to as “extremely intoxicated” to the Fairy Street Apartments. According to sources this is not the first time he’s had to “take care of someone” over at the Fairy Street Apartments. But we’re guessing that the previous times were a bit more entertaining.

So when Jim Kingston arrives a couple minutes late, he is forgiven. Mayor Jan Chaddwick, however, is an unforgiven no show. She didn't even notify her best friend for life, Curly Headed Sandy that she wasn’t attending. Also conspicuously absent is Troublemaker Bob, so we’ll let our clever readers connect the scandalous dots on their whereabouts, or in the Mayor’s case… her roundabouts.

The meeting is threatening boredom as the usual practices proceed. Meeting minutes and bills are accepted. Bob Frugal, living up to his name, questions the $1476 bill for ABA Extreme Threat Level Two purchases, which the Chief explains are new bullet proof vests. The financial report and Chief’s report are delivered. As usual, the PD has been “extremely busy” keeping the streets of Broken Springs safe from 16 year old hooligans, loitering nut jobs, fleeing felons, and middle aged alcoholics.

In some clever foreshadowing, Kingston announces that the Pizza Hut Robber has been nabbed, again. Not the first one, or the second one, but the third suspect has been caught and put behind bars. Because apparently in Broken Springs it takes three people to rub a Pizza Hut. One to take the pizza, and two to grab the breadsticks and pop.

Ernie Hildecrust asks about the maintenance work done on car #5, and is informed by Chief Kingston that it needed $600 worth of repair work on its brakes and rotors.

Supervisor Hildecrust, showing a potential Ford bias despite owning a Chevy truck, asks whether the department has ever considered dropping Chevy Impalas for Ford Crown Victorias. But the Chief explains that he’s had bad experiences with Fords… and being Chevy leaners ourselves, we can only assume he wasn’t referring to bad experiences in the backseats of Fords. One need only look as far as the Nascar Nextel Cup to determine which US Automaker is better. At least until Toyota joins the competition…

Bob Frugal asks about the possibility of getting grant money to purchase new digital cameras for the squad cars. I know I’d love to see some of the digital footage uploaded online…

But the Chief doesn’t know about the grant money and would instead like to use drug money towards their purchase.

In old business, there was an impromptu shooting practice session set up on the grounds of Camp Bitz. Officer Polaski, who has long arms and short legs (but not as short as Officer Shame’s) taught the fellers a bunch of stuff about guns and shootin’ and stuff.

Officers Robbers and Allgay are to be commended for their diligent work in capturing the Pizza Hut Robber. See if he ever steals pepperoni again! He’ll have to find another way to bring home the bacon! He’s sure to get a lot of sausage while in prison! Okay, I’ll stop…

Did we mention that the people at the courthouse were in awe of the professionalism of our local police squad? Not the judges and lawyers who could barely remember the actual robbery. But the pan handlers couldn’t be more impressed and the lunch lady told us, “Well done, young whippersnappers!”

Bringing up an issue on which the entire commission are experts, Ernie Hildecrust saves the day. He says that since the PD was no longer able to get gas from Layed Low (who privatized the LSD School Busing Department) he looked into getting gas from the Barn Bureau Oil Company. They’d supply us with an above ground 1,100 gallon tank (paid for by the township, as it’d be on their property) with which to fuel our cop cars at a price of $2.62 a gallon. Kingston asked about the octane of the gas and though Hildecrust didn’t know for sure, he assumed it was 87. He asked Jim about the size of the engines in the Impala squaddies but Kingston is as knowledgeable about car engines as he is about the Internet.

In other police business, there was a B&E at the Lynchman Church. Apparently it was pesky juveniles again, hoping to steal the church’s communion wine because, being only 16, they’re not old enough to buy it legally.

Then Gordo Davis, AKA Little Napoleon, walked in nearly fifteen minutes late.

In the Hero Story of the night, Chief Kingston retells a fascinating tale illustrating the danger our officers face on a daily basis. Apparently Officer Daniel Shame, in between Subweigh runs and flirtation stops at the Coyote Watering Hole found someone broken down on the bypass. He stopped to assist and was given false ID by the car troubled man (who must’ve been driving a Ford). Then the man fled on foot, because obviously he couldn’t drive away now, could he? Thank God he wasn’t driving a Chevy or this menace would still haunt our streets. Shame gave chase and apparently the fleeing man jumped over a fence and fell down a hill. Shame, whom we can only assume was quite a distance behind given his stature and physical condition, after calling for backup and not knowing where he was, managed to arrest the suspect single handedly. The suspect suffered a dislocated shoulder and a broken wrist, which Kingston was quick to attribute to the fall he took, not by any police brutality, no siree, of course not. And everyone lived happily ever after.

I hereby proclaim my support for a very necessary piece of equipment all of our officers should be supplied with…

Flashlights.

Yes, that’s right. With a flashlight, Officer Shame would’ve been able to see where he was running and where he was at. Furthermore, he would’ve been able to see the suspect’s fake ID and maybe even been able to catch a glimpse at the make and model of the perp’s car, thereby anticipating a foot chase.

Dear Police Commissioners,
Please give our cops the necessary equipment with which to protect themselves as they protect us. Buy them flashlights. Mag lights, preferably.

Officer Jerk arrested a boater for his 8th DUI offense at Clover Campground. Witnesses called in to complain when the intoxicated boater kept missing the boat ramp.

There was some more talk about troubled kids. A girl cried rape who’d only been knocked up by her boyfriend, some more loonies have been walking our streets bothering the normal people, etc. Apparently a Police Department groupie has been leaving long messages on the PD’s answering machine and stalking them when they take their early morning showers at the station. For the record, it's always a bit chilly in the station.

Bob Frugal asks Kingston about the possibility of hiring Rob Fishnet full time once he graduates from the Police Academy in the near future. Kingston said it’d be tight to squeeze him in so that he can repay us for funding part of his schooling. Sorry Fishnet. But look on the bright side. No one will ever be able to take that education away from you.

At this point, the meeting looked close to finished, until Hildecrust asked if anyone had anything else to say. The very tardy Davis then stood up to announce that he didn’t want to open a can of worms but…

In 34 counties who have 24/7 (sic) police coverage, we’re the only one who doesn’t have TASERS!

There it is! Tasers! The reason this blog was founded!
Tasers, tasers, how I missed you, sweet, dear taser issue.

I could hardly believe my ears as Gollum Gordo went on in his typical dramatic fascistic fashion about how the double murder in Lakeside illustrated to him that if Lakeside has tasers so should we, damnit.

Ernie Hildecrust, slightly impersonating the voice of reason, explained to Lil Nappy that the community was against tasers and anyway, they already took the taser money and used it on something else.

Smeagol himself volunteered to raise the taser money and said that if he wanted, he could fill the meeting audiences with people who supported our purchase of tasers. Many in the audience (of which I was the only renegade) agreed, saying that only a small group opposed the tasers and only because they were uneducated about them. Officer Polaski’s wife added that the only reason people don’t like tasers is because of those pesky articles the newspapers write, and we all know that the newspapers don’t bother writing the truth.

Except… she was sure to add… the Journalistic Error!

I about died laughing. After I picked myself off the floor, holding my splitting side, I heard Officer Polaski himself refer to tasers as “non-lethal.”

Now, I know I’m getting quite a laugh out of this but some things are no laughing matter. The fact that tasers have led to the deaths of over a hundred people nationwide is no laughing matter. So to Officer Polaski, please tell these people and their families that tasers are non-lethal. Go ahead, I double dog dare you.

Gordo Davis, who positively will not quit, said that when he was robbed in his own store, he was told by Justice Taylor that if he had shot his robber, he could have been sued. I think Davis’s point was that people can sue over anything, but then again, we already knew this didn’t we? Our village officials can and have sued over anything and everything, and they’ve even threatened to sue lil ole me over this this very blog you’re reading now. America is a litigatious society. Don't you just love it?

Polaski’s point was that if our cops (he being one of them) had tasers, they wouldn’t have to shoot so many people. Perhaps even that woman pumping gas wouldn’t have needed to be shot when Daniel Shame was hunting behind the gas station. But if Shame had had a taser, that suspect (who’d been arrested 44 times, Officer Polaski pointed out, and who also had in his possession marijuana and cocaine) might not have dislocated his shoulder and/or broken his wrist. We’re assuming, of course, that Officer Shame would’ve been able to hit the fleeing suspect in the dark without a flashlight. But we’re also assuming that the suspect wasn’t high on cocaine, which could cause the 50,000 volts of electricity to supercharge his heart into a fatal heart attack.

Curly Headed Sandy, who’d been silent all this time (boy was it nice) pipes in that she just recently read an article in the paper (an article I’m assuming she believed) reporting a death caused by pepper spray. Her point, I’m guessing, was that anything can kill you, so let’s give our boys hand grenades while we’re at it.

Phil Ruse, who was caught giggling at the Daniel Shame hero story just moments before, asked if it was wise for Shame to pursue the suspect on foot in the dark when he couldn’t see. Though he didn’t say a word in regard to the taser issue before then, Jim Kingston suddenly came alive, acting as though his flesh and blood had been raped. He nearly lept out of his chair and scolded Phil Ruse for his dissenting opinion, saying that we should commend Shame for his bravery, not condemn him. If that perp had gone on to murder a family, Shame would be hung out to dry.

Gordo Davis, opening the can of worms a bit more so the whole room could smell the stench, then volunteered to research the taser issue. Being the good hearted winnable journalist I am, I’m here to help Mr. Duckman. Here you are, Mr. Sonny Bonoparte… research away…

Aged 18 to 50, and physically fit corpses

A woman tasered while in diabetic shock

According to the ACLU (defenders of this website, btw), since 1999, at least 148 people in the United States and Canada have died after encounters with police who shocked them with Tasers…. However, according to Dr. Zian Tseng, cardiologist at the University of California at San Francisco, if the Taser sends its energy to the heart at the wrong time, it can indeed cause ventricular fibrillation or cardiac arrest. In addition, Roger Barr, professor of Bioengineering at Duke University, said the use of a Taser on a child can have more serious consequences than for an adult because the electrical shock delivered is not modified for a person’s smaller stature.

Just within the last day another person has died…

Would the Broken Springs Fuzz be too quick to tase, like these officers? You make the call.

There you are for now, Mr. Davis. Before you go testing the taser out “a half dozen times” on your wife, read those articles first and ask yourself, hasn’t she suffered enough already?