Election Round Up

August 7th is election day in Broken Springs and just because our town is broken doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to elect our best and brightest to try to unbreak our town a little more. There are some real doozies running locally, so don’t say I didn’t warn you. Here is an information guide that might help you decide the lesser of two evils to vote for.

Running to replace his daddy for Supervisor of Onoyoko Township is Mike Hildecrust, who shall henceforth be dubbed Baby Hildecrest. His opponent is August Zipke, who by all accounts, could use some more zip in his ke. Baby Hildecrust has served on the planning commission and August is currently already on the township board. The big controversy over this race has something to do with dirt, that is gravel, and who is allowed to mine it, where, and why. Frankly I haven’t been following close enough attention to the details but here is what I’ve dug up on the dirt issue. Baby Hildecrust, as illustrated by our compatriot and former rabble rouser Troublemaker Boob’s recent letter to the Editor in Sunday’s edition of the Herald Republican, insists that there’s no conflict of interest in having a gravel pit of his own while legislating other gravel pits in the area. And who can disagree with him? That’d be like Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas recusing himself from the Health Care debate simply because of his wife’s activism as a Tea Partyist in trying to repeal Obamacare. And we all know that didn’t happen.

August Zipke is Baby Hildecrust’s opponent, and I fortunately don’t know much about him other than that he hasn’t done any damage to the town as an Onoyoko Township board member. At least not so far. The only thing I really know about him is that he’s indirectly named after the first Roman Emperor who was very conservative, yet despite that character flaw, was a successful Roman Emperor all the same. According to the Journalistic Error, Zipke is also a card carrying member of the NRA, which means he’s a straight shooter - except in the bathroom, according to our very private sources.

So the choice is between the son of a successful supervisor with shady political conflicts of interest and a political softy with a shady connection to the nation’s most destructive and powerful lobbying group. Who is less evil? I will hold my nose and vote for Zipke.

The race for Clerk is also a controversial one, between current clerk Sue Frettin and Wildlife expert Dick Finkel. Both candidates have been accused of wanting to evolve Broken Springs into a metropolis - a position I vehemently oppose because the lines are already too long at our Taco Bell. But I can’t blame politicians for wanting to bring more taxpayers to our town (soon to be city), since it might someday raise their salaries. Frettin has 11 years experience as Township Clerk and her supporters keep bringing that up as if to imply that makes her the only one qualified for the job. Personally I think she’s done a pretty okay job and I’ve been impressed with her intelligence and independence in the past but she lacks one very important thing which Finkel does not - an Obama sign in her front yard. According to a letter to the editor in this week’s Journalistic Error, Dick Finkel is a closeted Homodemocrat. Mr. Finkel might be running as a Republican, but last election cycle was spotted sporting an Obama Yard sign (gasp!). This was much cause for concern for the letter writer who shall remain nameless (because I can’t remember his name) but for me, an Obama Yard Sign signifies that the Fink might just be a supporter of those radical notions like civil rights, humane treatment of the poor and female, and environmentalism. Although I personally like Sue Frettin, until she demonstrates such higher knowledge of national politics, I have to fly with the wildlife enthusiast.

The races for Trustee are a bit harder to figure out, as it’s difficult to find four people running who are worth voting for. I only wish Dorothy Hildecrust (no relation to Ernie or Baby Hildecrust) was still running so I would only have to choose three lesser of evils. Please check back tomorrow for my trustee election picks.

Photo of dog napped Aspen from Herald Palladium

Dog Napped Victims Had it Coming

Editor,

Sorry but I don’t buy it. The dog napped Aspen’s previous owners say they deserve their dog back. It’s not because I’m a Broken Springs Village Council member that I support theft, but because I’m a former dog-napper myself. And as a former dog-napper I must side with the thief in this dog napping matter.

It should be clear to anyone that a dog properly fed, watered, loved, and cared for is neglected to the point that dog-napping is 100% justified. In fact the dog clearly must have been treated so humanely that larceny was its only possible fate. You may say that the dog’s rightful owners have rightful ownership of the dog, to which I say that’s dog’s poop. Clearly, if the dog would not have wanted out of such a loving environment he would not have gone with his dog-napper. And he certainly wouldn’t have stayed with them for as long as he has. If he wanted to return to his previous owners, he could just open the door and catch the bus home.

Now lucky Aspen, a Siberian Husky whose nature it is to want to be outside, is gleefully inside and safely guarded from the sunlight and fresh air that constricts so many other dogs.

If the people dog-napped the dog, they must have witnessed some wrongdoing, the same way a burglar watches a house that needs to be robbed, just like a killer realizes that his victim needs to die, just like a red light is meant to be run. Otherwise there is no justice in the world.

Sorry I just don’t buy it. Why buy it, after all, when you can steal it?

If Aspen’s former owners really want their dog back they should do the honorable thing and steal him back from his dog-nappers.

With a totally straight face,

Lonna Jackson

For the "real" story: http://www.heraldpalladium.com/articles/2012/06/20/local_news/10440482.txt

I voted yes in the police millage in order to save the Polar Bears. WTF????

God Misses Again: Santorum Drops Out

So far this primary election cycle God Almighty is 0 for 4 in His picks for a Republican Presidential nominee. The latest victim to God’s A-Rod like numbers is former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. This afternoon Santorum officially suspended his campaign, citing personal reasons, namely that he can no longer stop crying himself to sleep each night.



Before Santorum, or Frothy, as he is more intimately known, God struck out swinging with Governor of Texas Rick Perry, Minnesota Representative and Tea Party Darling Michele Bachmann, and Pizza enteprenuer Herman Cain. To add salt to His wounds, Santorum’s premature withdrawal has all but assured that the Republican nominee for President will be Mitt Romney, a Mormon.

God could not be reached for comment, but His spokesperson, St. Peter, issued this statement to the press: “Obviously He is very disappointed, but God is used to being disappointed with humanity. There is still one self proclaimed Christian in the Republican race, but let’s be honest here… He would rather vote for the black guy than a guy named Newt who divorced his wife while she died of cancer.”

Asked if God was then officially endorsing Barack Obama for re-election, St. Peter said that God was still undecided, but that He “liked Obamacare” because it reminded him of what His son tried to do while on Earth.

Meanwhile Mitt Romney reminded God of his Romneycare in a speech today in Washington. “I’d like to give a shout out to the man upstairs,” he said, pointing to the Heavens. “I was for socialized medicine before socialized medicine was cool. Despite that, I still support its repeal,” at which time a loud crash of thunder echoed from the clouds and Romney was forced to run for cover.

HP Letter to the Editor

I hope Rich Camacho doesn't quit his day job to go on the comedy circuit any time soon. His recent letter to the editor ("There's plenty dish about on the talk-show circuit," Jan. 6) was so full of groaners I've decided to expand on it. Not surprisingly, I found more laughs on the other side of the aisle.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has had his yearly health exam by an under-qualified, overpaid HMO and besides the usual "Cut back your daily alcohol intake to single digits," there's another issue he must deal with. His skin seems to be gradually changing in color to a hue best represented by the planet Mars. This disorder is not much unlike that which affected Michael Jackson, except Boehner can't do the moonwalk. Is it any wonder why Speaker Boehner opposed the new energy efficient light bulb legislation? Due to his incandescent complexion, he hasn't had to use a light bulb since 1973.

Mitch McConnell, Republican Senate minority leader, is in slightly better health than Boehner but still suffers from a contagious streak of obstructionism. These days it's easier for the Republicans to pass a kidney stone than a bill through Congress. I've seen so many incomplete passes, they ought to move the Capitol from Washington, D.C., to Lucas Oil Field in Indianapolis.

This obstructionism is likely due to a bad case of ITPS: Irritable Tea Party Syndrome. Symptoms may include a tendency to distort both U.S. history and the U.S. Constitution and a pesky compulsion to wear funny looking hats at political rallies.

It has been said that when President Calvin Coolidge died someone said, "How can you tell?" The same holds true for presidential candidate Ron Paul. I'm not saying the 76-year-old Texas representative is an old geezer, but if his belt moves any further north, he'll be in Oklahoma.

Our new Congressional Diet is similar to the Atkins Diet in that it's full of pork, and for best results needs to be accompanied with a strict exercise regiment. Unfortunately our Do Nothing Congress is still at the Couch Potato Phase, and the only way for it to lose inches off its budgetary waistline is to have its stomach stapled. And duct taped. And super glued.

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is no stranger to diets. He has been living for the past two decades on a strict diet of flapjacks and waffles. He has flipped-flopped so many times Jimmy Buffet is writing a song about him.

In all seriousness, politics can often be hilarious. But when it's as ineffective as it's been the past four years, the joke is really on all of us.

Highlights and lowlights from the Broken County Youth Fair 2011

If you missed the fair this year, fret not, dear reader. Just remember back to last year, or the year before, and it was much of the same thing. Only this year all the kids were wearing strange Mohawk wigs in bright colors.

Either I am getting old and my taste buds are going, or the Enemies of Broken Springs have cheapened up on their Korn dog batter. The first four I ate were doughy and the next four were much better, but still not as good as I remember them from years past. If you’re in line for a Korn dog, your best bet is to buy something to eat while you wait in line. Because you know by the time you get your Korn dog, you’ll be hungry again. I wonder if they’ve ever thought of pulling their building further off the street so their long lines don’t block the traffic? Either that or just make Korn dogs faster! Can’t they have them mass imported from China or something? They’re already China Cheap, at $1.50 a dog.



The political booths were boring again this year, as it’s not an election year. The Demoncrats only had petitions to sign to recall Governor Snider and State Rep Al Psychola, not counting some goofy girl juggling jaw breakers and painting on bottle caps (that was me). The Republicon booth… er I mean building always seems so detached from the real people walking the street in front of them. I always want to yell something at them but I’m afraid they won’t be able to hear me from all the way back in the cavernous building. The closest I get to the GOP fair week is when I order an elephant ear. Tuesday night the Grand Ole Party closed up before ten o’clock which must be all those old farts bedtimes.



Speaking of Republicons, the circus was enjoyable, or so I hear. And the Country singer Luke Bryan sounded half way decent tonight. For a country singer, that is. Too bad all the fair has left to showcase is washed up Blue Collar Comedian Bill Engvall. Could be worse, though. Could be Larry the Cable Guy.

For the first time ever, I didn’t venture into the Commercial Buildings, which means one of several things: I won’t be winning a new patio. I missed out on getting a free plastic baby fetus made in China from the Pro-life nutters, and because I didn’t signup for any Broken County church mailing lists, my salvation is still very much in jeopardy. The only thing the commercial buildings had that I was remotely interested in were the History booths… the Courthouse Museum selling those wonderful books by Robert C. Myers, and the House of David booth with the old bearded man who never speaks. Oh, and the APA pool table, of course. But I knew if I started playing pool, I’d never want to quit. My offer to play for someone else’s fast rack tee shirt is again open for bids. Facebook me.

As always is the case at the Broken County Youth Fair, the goats stole the show. Here, one was trying to give me a kiss. Either that or he wanted to lick the elephant ear off my lips.

This one was trying to break into a black tool box to steal God only knows what. I think the goat’s name was Freddie Mac.


These two content faces just reminded me of Jim and Sherri, for some reason.


And this guy, chewing on a piece of straw just reminded me of Huck Finn.




But by far the cutest goat at all the fair was this 9 day old pygmy. He couldn’t have been much bigger than my Chihuahua, and for several brief moments I considered slipping him under my shirt and sneaking him right out of there. But that would’ve been baaaaahhhhhd. So I just let him stay there and look cute.

How Obama Has Failed Us by Killing Osama bin Laden

Dear Editor,

How dare President Obama kill the #1 wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden! This wreckless behavior further illustrates Barack Hussein Obama’s utter disregard for America and our domestic problems. Need I remind everyone that gas here has skyrocketed to over $4 a gallon while the oil companies are claiming record profits and our nation’s unemployment rate is still 8.8%, which is nearly as high as it was when our last great President Ronald Reagan slept in the Oval Office. Killing the most wanted man on the face of the earth doesn’t make my gas any cheaper, my buddy Obama. Nor does it put any food on my family, as former President (and true Patriot) George W. Bush might say.

Why the liberal media is fawning over their favorite President since that Socialist FDR shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Obviously they love his because he’s black and he plays basketball. They don’t call it March Madness for nothing. Only now perhaps it should be renamed May Madness. But why the liberal US media ignores the obvious facts to anyone with half a brain is the real puzzle. Obama’s killing of Osama has put America in real jeopardy for further terror attacks. Terror experts have now warned us to brace for retaliatory attacks from Al Qaida. Hello? Tell me this doesn’t prove that Obama is the Anti-American Kenyan born Muslim Anti-Christ! Wake up America and smell the gasoline!

Sincerely,
Dick Commando

Snow: It's What's For Dinner !

A slippery look at the advantages and disadvantages of snow, an amended Letter to the Editor which ran in last week’s Herald Republican…

Snow gets such a bad rap all the time. But have you ever considered its good qualities? Consider:

Snow covers garbage bins, and makes them look artistic. It also freezes them shut for months. That means no scavengers can get at your spoiled milk and used condoms. But there’s only so much room under your kitchen sink.

You can have the roads all to yourself. You just can’t travel over 20 mph to get somewhere. And when you get where you’re going, it’s closed for snow.

The athlete next door can’t bounce his basketball beside your bedroom window. Instead, he’s inside stealing your wifi and hacking into your bank account.

Your kids can build a snowman and pose beside it hor holiday cards (Go heavy on the U of M sports caps and a blue and yellow shovel.) Because, after all, only those dumb enough to root for U of M would be outside in such atrocious weather.

Some large dogs, like Great Danes, don’t object to pulling sleds. And some small dogs, like your neighbor’s yappy Chihuahua can easily get lost in a snow drift with a gentle, helpful nudge.

If you drop a cupcake in a snowdrift, it can be defrosted and edible in April. Also, alcohol doesn’t freeze. Unplug the fridge, save some energy, and make your backyard a frozen buffet.

You can leave your Christmas wreath on your front door until Easter. Same goes for your Christmas lights if you were pathetic enough to put them up to begin with.

In New York City there were so many piles of snow there are no places to put bags of garbage. Southwest Michigan has a splendid “no snow days” pick up system for the trash companies. The smell of garbage is a known aphrodisiac.

St. Joe provides so much work for snow plow owners, they can vacation in Florida in March and April. Unfortunately when they get to Florida they’ll find snow down there too.

Walgreens has shelves full of pain killing ointment for shovelers. That is if you can get to Walgreens and if they’re not closed for the snow.

You may feel superior to anyone living far from the Great Lakes who doesn’t know what “lake effect anything” means. This useless knowledge can be filed right between who invented the Frisbee and why people have eyebrows in your encyclopedia of knowledge.

In the Book of Crazilations, it states: “Verily my brethren, honor the snow for in the summer it makes the Welch’s grapes to grow.” If, however, you don’t eat grapes, screw the snow.

Snow melts.
Then floods.
Swimming burns calories.

Inspired by Norma Smith

Glenn Beck's Top Ten Dumbest Quotes

Is He a Schizo, a Bigot, or Just a Right Wing Nutjob?

Readers beware! There's another wacko right wing nutjob on the loose. His name is Glenn Beck, and Republicans adore him. They love him so much they want to rub his belly when he rolls over, and pinch his cheek like your grandma used to do. But Glenn Beck is hardly a cute little kitten when you hear some of the craziness bubbling from out his mouth like foam from a rabid dog. Do you have your rabies shot?

Here is just a sample of such rabid paranoia.

1. "This president I think has exposed himself over and over again as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture....I'm not saying he doesn't like white people, I'm saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist."

Beck whipped up this gem on July 28, 2009. Advertisers fled from him in terror like he was the black... er, I mean the white plague.

In an interview with Katie Couric, he could not, or would not define what he meant by "white culture."

To read the rest of this article, click here:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2479786/glenn_becks_top_ten_dumbest_quotes.html?cat=9

ATTENTION: FOUND DOG

If anyone knows anyone who has lost a little dog in Berrien Springs, please contact me: Email me at darvijenn@yahoo.com . I found a small dog Monday evening around 10 PM in our back yard on Murdock St near Bluff. I think the dog probably just got away from home.

Oh my? Really? Who woulda stunk...er, I mean, thunk it?

Kalamazoo links broccoli smell to sewer system

KALAMAZOO, Mich. – An official said he's found a source of the city's long-running mystery stink. Public Services Director Bruce Merchant says the "rotten broccoli" smell that's bothered residents of northeastern Kalamazoo since last summer comes from the sewer system.

Read the entire SHOCKING revelation...

Next thing they'll be telling us is that the stench in Broken Springs is caused by the dead fish in our river...

Congratulations America

Does Daniel Shame moonlight in Orlando?

About a month later, Seminole planning officials cleared Holmes to run a volunteer organization out of the house. But they specifically prohibited ''outside storage of any materials'' unless she screened them from view.

By September 2007, Seminole County Sheriff's Office records show, a code-enforcement officer began filing violation reports against the property. Holmes contends that she began receiving visits from the officer even earlier.

Reports cited portable restrooms, an oversized truck, abandoned vehicles and overgrown grass. Holmes moved the nearly three-ton truck to a storage warehouse and cleaned up the debris and cars in the yard.

The seven-page file shows as of Sept. 26, Holmes had addressed her violations to the satisfaction of code officials. But the lien for previous infractions remains.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/southflorida/story/713542.html

Too sad. The woman turned her life around after years of drug abuse. Now she gives away food, clothes, and furniture to those in need. And she is punished for her generosity because her nosy neighbors wouldn't stop gawking at her cluttered up property. Something's wrong in America when cleanliness is valued more than selflessness.

Satire at its best

I love Sara Benincasa.

The real thing:
Katie Couric: Why isn't it better, Gov. Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

Gov. Sarah Palin: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the -- it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.

And now for the spoof...

From Sarah and Hillary

Sarah Palin Speaking in Tongues

The only one I liked at the RNC

Sarah Palin Celebrates RNC Speech

Sarah Palin's Vlog