Huge Turnout for Policefest

To raise money for the Broken Springs Police Department, whose millage passed but the funds never made it out of the Blue Ship Casino and Hotel, Friends of Jim Kingston organized an event on Saturday, August 27th in Indian Fields. The event, named Policefest, was open to the public and was intended to celebrate the spirit of Broken Springs. In other words, it was a good excuse to get loaded.

“A few of us thought it might be a good idea,” Chris Oswald of State Barn Insurance said. “Initially we wished to raise money for the tasers, so we wouldn’t have to write any more checks that Chief Jim would have to cash illegally. But we went above and beyond our initial expectations, obviously because the community of Broken Springs supports their police department.”

The first annual Policefest was speculated to bring in between three and five thousand dollars for the department. But with the large turnout, profits were so massive that the police force plans to purchase not only tasers but also a pair of elevator shoes for every officer.

The biggest profits came from the dunk tank, in which several officers and public officials donated their valuable time. It cost five dollars to throw three balls and it’s estimated that Troublemaker Bob and his band of cohorts alone spent $165 dollars to try and dunk Chief Kingston in the water and another $87.50 trying to make Mayor Jan Chaddwick all wet. According to eyewitnesses still chuckling from the event, they were successful on many attempts. In fact by the end of the evening, Troublemaker Bob was so precise in his aim that his wife made this comment to NFBS, “I wish he could hit the toilet half as well. Perhaps I’ll have to glue a picture of Jim Kingston to the bottom of the bowl.”

“I didn’t really mind serving my community in the dunk tank,” commented the Chief while shaking the water out of his ears. “In fact, it was a bit cooler than I expected, but probably because I’m used to being in hot water.”

Other carnival games included ‘Pin the tail on the Mayor’ and the old classic, Ring Toss, with a twist. Husbands had to aim for their wives’ upright nipples as they lay on their backs several feet away. Roger Jackson was the big winner, despite many allegations that he had a larger target and thus an unfair advantage. Unfair advantage or not, he deserves that bottle of Wild Turkey for one reason or another. He was seen chugging it behind a tree near the lake before the party was half over.

The first annual Policefest ended with a bonfire for the remaining attendees. Citizens sat hand in hand with police officers and public officials and sang kumbaya while roasting wieners and marshmallows over the open flame. When they ran out of wieners and marshmallows, Officer Daniel Shame ran down to the police station to retrieve last month’s stash of confiscated marijuana and a group of about twenty disposed of the illegal substance in the proper fashion, a ceremony that lasted well into the middle of the night as whisks of smoke billowed over Broken Springs for the next three days.

In other news, local gas stations and supermarkets report an increase in junk food profits for the three days following the first annual Policefest.