Officer requests elevator shoes

Broken Springs Onoyoko Township Police Officer Daniel Shame is always looking for innovative ways to keep the good citizens of Broken Springs safe. Most recently, he has been a vocal advocate of providing local police with Tasers. Now he is on a new mission.

Officer Shame has requested that the Police Commission authorize Chief Kingston to provide special "elevator shoes" manufactured by the Walking Tall Shoe Company(which has more than 30 years of experience in designing and manufacturing footwear to meet the special needs of law enforcement professionals) to every Broken Springs Onoyoko Township Police Officer. Officer Shame made the unprecedented request during a recent "closed meeting" of the Police Commission. Police Commission Attorney Charles Amnesia had authorized the unusual step of granting Shame's request for a "closed meeting." Attorney Amnesia authorized the closed meeting because, in his opinion, in order to properly evaluate the merits of the requests that Officer Shame intended to make, the Commission might have to review certain aspects of Shame's performance, which could be construed as a "not inconsequential" personnel evaluation of Officer Shame.

In his presentation to the Commission, Officer Shame provided several justifications for his request. First, he claimed that providing elevator shoes would help officers better serve and protect the decent, hard-working white folks in Broken Springs. After noting that many 12 year old black girls are larger than he is, Officer Shame stated, "Anything which will make me appear bigger helps to keep me safer when I have to handle some young female threatening to attack me. And of course, when your police officers are safer, each and every one of you is safer too."

A second benefit to elevator shoes, according to Shame, is that they'd help restore the Police Department's tarnished public image. "The horrible truths that Troublemaker Bob has revealed about how Chief Kingston runs our department have lowered the public's estimation of us," Officer Shame complained. "If we artificially increased the stature of every officer in our department, everyone in the community would have to look up to us once again."

Finally, Officer Shame noted the economic benefits utilizing elevator shoes would provide. "With elevator shoes, our officer's posture will improve. Better posture means fewer health problems. Furthermore, the additional height from elevator shoes will give our officers more self-confidence: a new feeling of positive well being. That in turn will reduce stress." According to Shame, better health and less stress will result in a number of benefits, including reducing the number of sick days being taken by local law enforcement officers, and a corresponding reduction in the number of work-related claims filed against the department's health insurance carrier. Officer Shame argued that the reduced personnel costs resulting from the use of elevator shoes would more than offset the cost of providing them, thereby resulting in big savings for the cash-strapped department.

In concluding his presentation, Officer Shame noted that if the Commission was willing to authorize spending a slightly larger amount to cover the cost of acquiring elevator shoes with steel "safety toes", two additional benefits were possible. The first was "hardening" the department against attacks from local terrorists like Troublemaker Bob. "As you know, Troublemaker Bob and his unprincipled friends have been stepping on a lot of toes around town lately," said Officer Shame, "including those of some law enforcement personnel. The damage from those attacks is beginning to cripple our ability to effectively control the local population the way we used to. Walking Tall(TM) footwear with safety toes would help to prevent any further damage to our hardworking law enforcement personnel from Troublemaker Bob's attacks." According to Officer Shame, the second benefit would be the safety-toe shoes ability to give local law enforcement personnel another non-lethal method for neutralizing local troublemakers, particularly when used in conjunction with the future Tasers. "We can use the 50,000 volts of electricity generated by the Tasers to drop a troublemaker in his tracks, then subdue him with our safety-toe footwear by kicking him while he's down," said Officer Shame. "That's a much more humane technique than shooting them with a gun."

During questioning by Commission members, Officer Shame denied that his request had anything to do with the fact that studies have repeatedly shown that women find bigger men significantly more desirable. The primary reason for his request, Shame told the Commission, was his desire to improve his on-the-job performance. "I'm asking you to give me the kind of tool I need to do my job properly," said Shame. "By making me look and feel bigger and stand more erect, elevator shoes will give me the confidence to discharge my duty more effectively," he contested. Officer Shame added that another reason for his request was his belief that elevator shoes would enable him to more closely follow the fine example set by Chief Kingston. "With elevator shoes, I could add approximately 3 inches to my current diminutive size," Shame stated. "Then I would be able to look down on almost everyone, just like Chief Kingston does."

Police Commission member Jan Chaddwick was an ardent supporter of Officer Shame's request. She told the Commission that her support was the result of discussions she had previously had with Chief Kingston. "After a brief period of feeling each other out, we engaged in a penetrating examination of every possible position, and I came to the conclusion that bigger is better," Chaddwick explained. Chaddwick also noted that she supported Shame's request because, as she stated, "I've had a lot of local women tell me he isn't big enough to do the job right." Finally, Commissioner Chaddwick noted that she agreed with Officer Shame's contention that elevator shoes would be a good investment, observing that, "If our local Police Department had bigger, more erect members, it would be good for community relations."

Commission member Sandra Brown-Knowes indicated that, because of the budgetary problems that the Police Department currently faces, she had initially struggled with this matter. Brown-Knowes told the other Commissioners that, despite her initial misgivings, she ultimately decided to support approving Officer Shame's request, because, "As always, I find I have to agree 100% with the opinions expressed by Commissioner Chaddwick." Commissioner Brown-Knowes concluded her remarks by inquiring about the possibility of providing a size increase in excess of 3 inches. She indicated that she was raising this point because, "In Officer Shame's case, some of the comments I have heard around town lead me to question whether adding 3 inches will be enough to enable him to perform satisfactorily."

Officer Shame responded that it was possible to add over 3 inches in size, but that doing so was very expensive. Accordingly, in his opinion, the cost of attaining that additional size far outweighed the benefit.

Police Commission Chairman Hildecrust stated that he appreciated the time and effort that Officer Shame had put into researching his presentation. "However," Hildecrust observed, "I believe we should let the public decide whether they want our Police Department to have bigger members." Chairman Hildecrust concluded his remarks with, "Unless the police millage passes, we just don't have the funds to give every officer elevator shoes, so I'm recommending that the Commission table this matter until after the election." Although Commissioner Chaddwick objected strenously, the Commission voted 3 to 2 in favor of temporarily tabling the matter.

After the Commission voted on Officer Shame's request for new footwear, the Commission considered Shame's request to be reimbursed for the cost of purchasing a replacement for his recently-stolen Duran Duran CD. After observing that Officer Shame had left the previous CD unattended in an unlocked vehicle while he "checked out" a teenage girl who was staying alone for the weekend, Chairman Hildecrust told Shame that in order to prevent this type of thing from happening again, after he got the new CD, he should "keep it in his pants." Commissioner Chaddwick objected, telling the Commission that in her opinion, "Officer Shame can put it anywhere he wants to." After a heated discussion, the Commission voted both to approve reimbursing Officer Shame for the cost of his new CD and to have Commission Attorney Amnesia draft a written policy to establish guidelines spelling out when Officer Shame has to keep it in his pants.

After the meeting adjourned, the patrol cars of Chief Kingston and Officer Shame were seen parked outside the Village Hall, where a light burned in President Chaddwick's office until early the next morning.

(NFBS thanks Bugs Funny for sniffing out the previous report)