Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Peeks to the Past

Tiny tidbits of small town news that never made the big town papers…

50 years, 3 months, 17 days ago…

Myrtle Snodgrass of Broken Springs, who is majoring in animal husbandry at Michigan State University, announced her engagement to be married, not to an animal, but to Mr. Henry Samson of Oak Lawn Drive. Mr. Samson, however, tells News from Broken Springs that he can be an animal, particularly a beast between the sheets.

47 years, 9 months, 11 days ago…

Henry and Myrtle (Snodgrass) Samson of Broken Springs have given birth to their third child in as many years, an eleven pound angel named Daniel Henry Samson. Following the happy event, Mrs. Samson announced she is filing for divorce from Mr. Samson, citing continual hardships and ill health. She plans on going back to school and changing her major to elementary education.

43 years, 4 months, 1 day ago…

A minor traffic accident occurred on the corner of Cherokee and Main Streets as Chuck Hickaloy was waiting for Mrs. Smith’s chicken to cross the roadway. Samuel Tyden, who was approaching, failed to stop in time and rear ended Mr. Hickaloy’s ‘57 Ford Pickup. Both drivers were uninjured. The chicken survived as well but was clucking mad at Mr. Tyden’s negligence while behind the wheel, for which he received a traffic citation and a good squawking to from both the chicken and Mrs. Tyden.

37 years, 8 months, 6 days ago…

Ezra Jacobson, 103, the oldest resident of Broken Springs became the youngest deceased resident of Tulip Hill Cemetery Saturday. At 103, he was healthy as a horse but unfortunately not as fast as one. He was hit by a truck while trying to cross U.S. 13.

26 years, 6 months, 27 days ago…

Local resident Arnold “Bottlerocket” Shaw was tragically killed Friday when his Independence Day fireworks show malfunctioned. Friends say Arnie always wanted to go out with a bang.

21 years, 11 months, 9 days ago…

The much anticipated Higgins-Clark family reunion ended prematurely Saturday when Glen Higgins insisted the worst thing any of his sons ever did was marry into the Clark family. Several Clark family members reciprocated the animosity by throwing rocks at many of the Higgins clan. Only an hour after the reunion started, authorities had to break up the melee. No charges were filed but the Higgins and Clark families are planning on separate reunions next year.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Potent and Impotent

Merry Christmas everybody!

I don’t know about the rest of you but this weather makes me want to shop ‘til I drop. Fortunately for my wallet, the weather also makes me avoid traveling on anything with wheels, especially in Broken Springs where hand gestures trump street signs. Just tonight I saw someone stopped on Fairy at Main Street, as if the intersection was a four way stop.

To our knowledge, there was only one casualty in the other night’s six hour power outage, not counting the meat in my freezer. The carp that got stuck in the dam, which in turn blew the transformer and shut down the power, didn’t survive, despite many efforts on the part of rescue personnel - including our own recently promoted Daniel Shame, who tried saving the fish by giving it mouth to mouth. It’s no wonder the poor thing died. As if getting stuck in the dam wasn’t bad enough.

But you would’ve thought the Apocalypse itself came to Broken Springs with no power. It makes you wonder how our ancestors survived in a world with no laptops, cable, mp3 players, or cordless telephones. No wonder they had so many kids back then.

Did everyone read Dick Commando’s latest Deep Thoughts letter to the Journalistic Error? If not, pick up a copy and turn to page two. It’s a real doozy. Buried somewhere around page 89 of the paper is another letter, criticizing the Commando letters. As usual, reason takes a back page in our weekly rag.

Here at Broken Springs Manor, we’re huge Chicago Bears fans, unlike that Troublemaker Boob, who’s a pesky Lions fan (has he no taste?) It’s been twenty-one years since Da Bears made it to the Superbowl and Vegas shows them as seven point underdogs. Lord knows I’ve been wrong about much in my life, but I don’t think I’m wrong when I predict that the Bears will pounce on those poor Colts and their precious Peyton Manning. You heard it here first. Bears by six… ten if Rex doesn’t throw any picks.

In the police blotter this week… a couple was driving home one cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying on the side of the road, and the woman saw that it was still alive. She said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He answered, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked him.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

His answer? "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Until next time…
Downward, inside out…

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Police Puzzled by Recent Burglaries

The Broken Springs Police Department doesn’t often get their panties in a twist investigating local crime. Small town criminals usually possess an IQ lower than President Bush’s approval rating, so it’s often a simple thing to crack the workings of a small mind, especially working with a small town mentality. But the latest string of robberies has the local PD scratching their balding heads in bewilderment.

Two weeks ago, several residents began having their personal vehicles broken into as they’ve been parked in Broken Springs. One lady had all of her mascara and a pair of beige pantyhose stolen. A man living on Crass street had his three string banjo taken from his ‘79 Ford Pickup. And a pair of twins attending college had a crucifix taken off their review mirror, and a half eaten ham sandwich stolen from atop their dashboard. In each case, the burglar has busted either the windshield or a back window to gain entry into the cars, and in every case, he’s left behind a most interesting, if perplexing clue: a large rock.

“When we saw the first rock, we initially thought it to be a paperweight,” explained Police Chief Jim Kingston, who graduated top of his Broken Springs class. “It was only after we found rocks of similar sizes at future crime scenes when we realized the burglar was leaving us a clue, perhaps as a signature to his work.”

Officer Daniel Shame, who would’ve graduated at the top of his Ridgemont class if it wasn’t for all the smart kids in his class, believes the burglar is mocking the police department, implying that they’re ‘dumb as a box of rocks.’ “Only there’s only one rock and it’s never been left in a box,” he added.

The precise location of the rocks seem to indicate a hidden meaning, as well. They’re always located directly under the broken window, often with broken glass scattered around them, so they’re the first thing seen by the police.

“We’re dealing with a very intelligent criminal,” said Officer Shame. “We’ve run the rocks for prints and they always come up clean, which means the burglar is wiping them down or wearing gloves. Furthermore, he’s never left a drop of blood behind, despite all of the busted glass. How he manages that, we don’t know. We just know he’s very, very smart.”

Kingston said he’s put out an all points bulletin to Broken Springs residents urging them to be on the lookout for a religious man, probably in his mid thirties, with an interest in country folk music, wearing mascara, eating a ham sandwich on his way to Victoria’s Secret. Anyone with information about these burglaries are asked to contact the department.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Police Commission Meeting

In the second consecutive Monday Morning meeting, nothing much happened. The Township attorney, like nearly the rest of Broken Springs, was out of town. And the most noticeable change in the Commission itself was the presence of its newest member, Sue Frettin,’ who made her presence known by the 35 questions she posed to the Chief throughout the meeting.

At the start of the meeting, the bills and financial report were not ready, but by the end of the meeting, the secretary had them passed out to be voted on.

The Chief’s report was the same old thing, as well. The Broken Springs PD was, as usual, “extremely busy” Complaints were up five percent.

There was a complaint that Dickie’s restaurant was putting too many eggs in their omelets. The Department had to check it out. Another complaint concerned Subweigh skimping out on the meat on their six inch Steak and Cheese. And most importantly, the Teeny Tiny Bakery was accused of omitting jelly from their jelly donuts. All complaints were investigated promptly and diligently. Follow up investigations are still occurring almost daily.

The new car issue came up again, and again Bob Frugal voiced his preference for resolving the issue sooner rather than later. Jimmy Kingston asked very nicely….

“Can we at least have one new car, please please please, with a cherry on top?”

But Ernie Hildecrust, in typical Ernie fashion, pushed for more time, mainly because the Township board is not clear about how dearly their recent divorce from the Village will cost them. Will they lose their assets or not? Will Mayor Jan Chaddwick sue for even more assets than she already has? Only time will tell. Commission Rookie Sue Frettin’ said that even if the Village insists on alimony doesn’t mean the Commission will have to pay it. But since the bids for new cars are good through March, they can afford to wait another month.

We have four cars active on the road, three of them broken in with over one hundred thousand miles. Of the three cars that have the most miles, the oldest is not over four years old and the newest is only two years old, which makes me a bit skeptical on ever buying a Chevy Impala.

The new computer for Diane McDonald is in, but the transition has been anything but easy since Diane was working with the Neanderthal Lotus program and is now learning Windows XP. They should’ve probably waited for Windows CE.

We’ve secured our $2500 grant for our portion of the Livescan system. I somewhat remember what exactly the Livescan system is for, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

There was a follow up comment about a complaint issued at the last Commission meeting concerning cops being seen at Sandra Oh’s Bakery near John Bears Road and Hellywood. Only one officer ever confessed to being around that area but only for a traffic stop, and only to turn around in their driveway. He denied ever having consumed any bakery goods while there, and saliva swabs confirm his story. Chief Kingston has not heard from the troublemaker… er, I mean complainant about the issue, so as far as he’s concerned, her story was as full of holes as the donuts his cops didn’t eat.

There was a sixteen year old touching people inappropriately around Anthony’s University. There was a sexual suspect arrested in Georgia on Christmas Eve… he was seen wearing a red suit and asking children to sit on his lap. The department told these suspects to keep the inappropriate touching where it belongs, in the local bars after hours.

There were also a couple B&E’s recently. Keith Mauve, infamous for his burglar intuition, investigated a burglary Friday night on Gruff Street. Another B&E involved a male suspect making sexual innuendos to young males, around Morningwood Drive. Boy we’re horny in Broken Springs. Perhaps we need a brothel?

The Commission then started talking about future meeting dates. Rookie Sue Frettin’ prefers Friday mornings for future meetings, but the two farmers on the Commission aren’t so keen about coming in on mornings. Temporarily, however, it’s decided that 7 AM is a better time than 10 AM, so the next meeting will be Monday, February 12th, before the roosters crow or the sun comes up. Personally I love this time, as it’s usually right before my bedtime. Loyal NFBS readers will have to rely on other write-ups next time, however, because next month it’s my turn to be one of those “out of towners.”

By the end of the meeting, the bill report is ready and voted on. At this time, Rookie Sue informs Kingston that she would like a personal tour of the Police Department via Diane McDonald, just in the interests of being better informed about police matters. Kingston grudgingly nods in response.

Get well soon, Phil Ruse!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Reno 911: Miami

In movie theaters February 23...

Wig Thief Escapes by a Hair: Later Netted

After escaping capture by a hair last week, the wig thief who has terrorized downtown Broken Springs has finally been netted. The arrest was made after the suspect was spotted sweeping up hair clippings from a local hair salon. Samuel Kevin Browning was apprehended on charges of hair theft, destruction of personal property, and fleeing and eluding a police officer. If convicted of these violations, Browning could face up to five years in a federal penitentiary and many more years of psychological counseling to cope with his inevitable public ridicule.

“I’m so relieved that menace is off the streets,” said 87-year-old Claire Thompson, clutching desperately at her curly brown locks. “My girlfriends and I were scared to go out at night.”

Browning’s reign of terror, dubbed locally as the ‘Hair Scare’ began earlier this month when Browning, a former Cub Scout and avid Chia Pet collector, began robbing unsuspecting older women of their wigs in random Broken Springs restaurants.

“I was having a quiet dinner with my husband,” recalls 73-year-old Deborah Searing, “when I excused myself to the ladies room to tinkle. As I sat there attending to my lady business, a masked man leaned over the door and swiped at my face. I managed to jump out of his reach but my wig fell off my head and into the stool,” she told us, too embarrassed to tell us what happened next.

Officer Daniel Shame continues the story of the suspect‘s escape. “The elusive wig didn’t dispel the assailant from reaching into the commode to retrieve the stolen goods. At that time he fled the scene, splashing a trail of toilet water down the hall and into the parking lot. After several minutes of lapping up evidence from the toilet, our K9 unit tracked the suspect out of the restroom and past several fire hydrants. But the track eventually dried up, leading us to a dead end.”

“Wouldn’t that be more of a split end, Officer?” we interjected.

“Yes, the case was a real head scratcher for awhile But Browning was caught by the hair of the dog that bit him. He couldn’t keep well enough away of the city’s hot spots where we had round the clock surveillance on every wig in Broken Springs, and we finally combed the rat out. That‘s the last time he‘ll be tangling with Broken Springs police.”

In all, the Wig Thief victimized six people, only four of whom have recovered their hair unharmed. One of those hairpieces, strategically placed on a snowman outside of Dollar General, belonged to feisty octogenarian Velma Collins, who made this statement to the press: “They should lock the bastard up and throw away the key,” while expressing further comments with distinctive hand gestures not fit for description.

Three more victimized wigs were found in Browning’s home, two lining Browning’s kitty litter boxes and the other cleverly used as a bag for his bowling ball. “I’m so happy to have my hair back,” said 98-year-old Sophie Harper while dusting Tidy Cat out of her wig, “I hope they put that animal behind bars where he belongs.”

Evidence shows that Browning also used individual pieces of hair from the wigs as dental floss and authorities even found what they believe are Martha Hooper’s long silver hairs strung through Browning’s fishing pole.

Asked to explain his behavior, the bald as a cue ball 32-year-old Browning said, “I wanted to be a barber but my parents insisted I attend law school instead. Hair has so many under appreciated practical uses but unfortunately I can‘t grow any of my own. Once I learned that hair could be had for free by sweeping up the hair salons and barbershops, I realized that stealing wigs was a real hair brained idea. But the damage has already been done.”

Browning will be defending himself at his upcoming trial. Sources tell us he plans to plead not guilty by reasons of temporary insanity.

“Sanity… it comes and goes,” he quips with a smile. “Hair today, gone tomorrow.”