Saturday, January 27, 2007

Potent and Impotent

Merry Christmas everybody!

I don’t know about the rest of you but this weather makes me want to shop ‘til I drop. Fortunately for my wallet, the weather also makes me avoid traveling on anything with wheels, especially in Broken Springs where hand gestures trump street signs. Just tonight I saw someone stopped on Fairy at Main Street, as if the intersection was a four way stop.

To our knowledge, there was only one casualty in the other night’s six hour power outage, not counting the meat in my freezer. The carp that got stuck in the dam, which in turn blew the transformer and shut down the power, didn’t survive, despite many efforts on the part of rescue personnel - including our own recently promoted Daniel Shame, who tried saving the fish by giving it mouth to mouth. It’s no wonder the poor thing died. As if getting stuck in the dam wasn’t bad enough.

But you would’ve thought the Apocalypse itself came to Broken Springs with no power. It makes you wonder how our ancestors survived in a world with no laptops, cable, mp3 players, or cordless telephones. No wonder they had so many kids back then.

Did everyone read Dick Commando’s latest Deep Thoughts letter to the Journalistic Error? If not, pick up a copy and turn to page two. It’s a real doozy. Buried somewhere around page 89 of the paper is another letter, criticizing the Commando letters. As usual, reason takes a back page in our weekly rag.

Here at Broken Springs Manor, we’re huge Chicago Bears fans, unlike that Troublemaker Boob, who’s a pesky Lions fan (has he no taste?) It’s been twenty-one years since Da Bears made it to the Superbowl and Vegas shows them as seven point underdogs. Lord knows I’ve been wrong about much in my life, but I don’t think I’m wrong when I predict that the Bears will pounce on those poor Colts and their precious Peyton Manning. You heard it here first. Bears by six… ten if Rex doesn’t throw any picks.

In the police blotter this week… a couple was driving home one cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying on the side of the road, and the woman saw that it was still alive. She said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He answered, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked him.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?" she asked.

His answer? "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Until next time…
Downward, inside out…

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