Monday, August 28, 2006


Ethical questions arose Friday when Police Chief Jim Kingston was discovered stashing twelve pairs of old department handcuffs in the trunk of a personal vehicle. The handcuffs, he claimed, were to be donated to Goodwill but when News from Broken Springs called local stores none had received a donation from the BSPD.

Rumors are afloat that the recently retired cuffs will meet their fate in Kingston’s bungalow basement, which neighbor say is decorated like a dungeon. And a look at the police budget raises spooky coincidences. Over the last fifteen years the Broken Springs Police Department has racked up an extraordinary bill for handcuffs, leather whips, and canine muzzles, almost three times the amount that our neighbors in Lincoln Township have spent. Another interesting tidbit is the specific purchase of five dog collars after the death of Durango, the K9 unit. When questioned about the unordinary high expenses, department clerk Mary McDonald said, “Better to have too many handcuffs than not enough.”

“Yes, but why is it necessary to keep a pair of cuffs in your bottom desk drawer?” we asked as she turned a lively shade of red.

“Those are there in the event of a terrorist attack,” she said.

As we tried to shake the image of Osama bin Laden cuffed to Ms. McDonald’s drawers, we questioned another potentially dangerous witness, Kingston’s own garbage man.

The Unreliable Refuse Technician (as he preferred to be called) assigned to Kingston’s home street for the last seven years insists that he’s often picked up boxes of rusty cuffs along with an assortment of gags, leather collars, and red rubber balls. “Oh, and a lot of loser scratch off tickets,” he added.

Some residents are shocked at these recent allegations yet many more insist that the accusations are only an attempt to smear an innocent man who annually gives to charity. One man who believes that is Kingston himself. He had the following comment to the press.

“There’s a certain faction in Broken Springs who’ll stop at nothing to disrespect officers of the law. They did it to Daniel Shame. And now they’re doing it to me. But that’s discrimination. Saying all cops are bad is like saying all n^&&*%$ like fried chicken. It’s simply not true. Some n^&&*%$ are vegetarians.”

Another Kingston defender is Mrs. Kingston, who despite gag strap sores on her mouth, couldn’t keep quiet about the morality of her loving husband. “He’s not into S&M. I doubt if he even knows what it is, or even how to spell it.”

“Does he ever tie you to the bedposts?” we asked.

“Only when he’s going fishing,” she said.

Whatever the reason Jim Kingston is hoarding handcuffs, at least we now know why his keychain is so heavy. Apparently he’s an avid fisherman. And as far as we’re concerned here at NFBS, it isn’t a crime to like a little bass every now and then.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Hi and Lowlights from the Broken County Youth Fair

I’d like to say that NFBS hasn’t been updated much lately because last week was fair week and I was there every night. But that’d be a lie. I’ve just been lazy, concentrating too much on my pool game, which has failed me lately, so screw that. I’m back to writing.

Broken Springs doesn’t have much, but we do have the fair. In case you’re one of the many town residents who didn’t support our only local festival, here’s a little of what you missed.

There wasn’t a dull moment in the three inning massacre, er, I mean baseball game between the House of Daniel and the Possomtime Beauty Queens. The score was 22-1, in favor of God’s Chosen People. The Queen’s only run came in the third inning when Israelite Abraham Hershkowitz was distracted by Miss Eclaire’s bouncing breasts as she ran out a grounder. The first baseman, whose beliefs include celibacy and vegetarianism, hadn’t seen such a meaty sight since he was an infant in his mother’s bosom. A run scored on the error.

But the Queen’s lone run was not enough to spark a rally after a very disastrous second inning, when more Christians crossed the plate than were invited to Jesus‘s Last Supper. Unfortunately for the Queens not only did 17 runs score but Miss Pukanon also broke a nail on a bouncer up the middle. The inning ended when Miss Stevensburg caught a pop fly in her tiara. She was knocked out cold but still able to hold onto the ball. She was later rushed to the emergency room and discovered to have suffered no more brain damage than she already had as a blonde Possomtime Beauty Queen.

For those of you into the bondage of bull testicles, the Rodeo was Friday night. As George Carlin once said, whenever I see a rodeo, I can’t help but to root for the bull.

The Demolition Derby was Saturday night but in all honesty it was every day and night driving around Broken Springs, dealing with the crazy traffic. I was lucky. My airbag only went off twice and I locked my brakes up once.

The Enemies of Broken Springs did a fine job again this year with their KKKorn Dogs. Personally I had 6 and that was just on Monday. Their motto should be, “The best wiener you can buy for a buck twenty five.”

Unfortunately attendance was down again this year. Fair personnel blamed the rainstorm Friday night even though the weather held off until the fair was closed. Every year when attendance is down they blame the weather. Personally I think attendance was down because the fair sucked. But hey, it’s all Broken Springs has so what are you gonna do? It could be worse. We could be Benton Harlem.

Was there anything in the Commercial buildings besides churches and home improvement booths? That’s fine if you’re looking for energy efficient windows and salvation all at once. But what about the rest of the world?

As always, I enjoyed the animals much more than the people at the fair. The goats were my favorite, only because they make you seem like the animals. And like the carnivores that we are, I read that Dime Table and Century Steakhouse purchased one of the grand champion goats, I’m assuming for more than just lawn care. How anyone can eat a goat is beyond me. Just think of that poor little creature. A week of hell at the Broken County Youth Fair only to be executed later. It’d be more humane to reverse the order.

Our favorite BS Finest, Daniel Shame was running people down in a golf cart again. Take downs are easier on four wheels. And speaking of coppers, I was able to purchase (at a very reasonable five bucks) a pair of bona fide furry handcuffs. The boyfriend says he’s going to handcuff me to the kitchen sink until I do his dishes. But I have different plans, which I can’t reveal except to say that his tackle box will never be the same.

The Democratic tent fell victim, as usual, to Republican vandalism late Thursday night. But local Donkey Jess Minks caught one of the scoundrels and justice prevailed. The vandal was sent to the Blake Shelton concert as punishment.

Other than that, it was a pretty boring time at the Broken County Youth Fair, which only means one thing: we can’t wait till next year.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

You’d think by all the cars in the parking lot, the place would be packed. But apparently all those cars were from a party at the Weather Park next door. And according to a posting on the bulletin board outside the building, several Onoyoko Township board members were expected to arrive. But other than those on the Police Commission, none showed up. Perhaps they were at the party.

The commission, minus Attorney Amnesia playing hooky (at the party?), begins the meeting by looking over the bills. Jan Chaddwick makes a recommendation that they not pay for the sports page with public funds because someone may oppose sports and raise a stink. Chief Kingston said he’d check into it. This is just a hunch, but my guess is Chaddwick has never been much into sports other than Sumo wrestling.

Ernie Hildecrust publicly thanks everyone for passing the millage and Kingston follows suit, and then some. He says the businesses who supported the millage should be thanked as well because many of them were victims of threats from millage opponents. No, not real threats, of course. Just capitalistic bullying, the American way. Personally, threatening to take my business elsewhere has never been a tactic of mine. If I needed to stay at a seedy hotel, for example, I’d most likely stay at the Broken Springs Inn just to save the gas mileage on my car. But that’s just me.

There were threats of a different nature at the Methodical Church. Someone, apparently mistaking the Church for a local tavern, wrote obscenities and bomb threats on the bathroom walls. And several obtrusive glory holes needed to be covered with duct tape.

Our best pizza joint was also robbed last month. The burglars snuck in through a front window of the downtown business, in plain view. No word yet on whether the culprits are the same ones responsible for the robbery at Pizza Slut some years ago. But if there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s this: if in doubt, hide the pepperoni.

Four juveniles were caught in a fight at the school. One child in particular had just gotten out of juvy and was anxious to go back. He’s one of our problem children, and you know what that means… someday we’ll be employing him as a police officer.

Mel Gibson’s not alone. There was an abundance of DUIs last month, particularly repeat offenders, some blowing as much as 30 on the blood alcohol test. I’m fairly certain that Kingston meant point thirty on the BAC test, because if someone blew a 30, they’d be a walking bottle of Budweiser, not to mention dead. I can’t help but wonder if any of the drunk drivers helped hang the Township maps on the wall behind the Commissioners as part of their community service. Ray Charles could‘ve hung them straighter.

One DUIer had the unfortunate experience to be arrested by Broken Springs Super Copper Daniel Shame. He was carrying a concealed weapon and a shotgun. The suspect, that is, not Shame. After he was tased twice by the Sheriff’s Department, his passenger got out of the vehicle quickly and obediently, mentioned the Chief. Was this a not so subtle foreshadowing for another taser discussion? Well, not only would tasers have been convenient in this case, but they would’ve been real fun to fire at three in the morning on the bypass. Why should the Sheriff’s Department get to have all the fun, anyway?

There was then a brief mention about Operation Raincoat, which apparently is some consolidated effort of ourselves and eight other agencies to find meteorologists guilty of welfare fraud.

And again, our Broken Springs Crazies have been causing havok. Officer Allgay needed a taser at an elderly home. And did we mention that several old ladies (and one old man) got their purses stolen at the Methodical Church?

No wonder Broken Springs is full of a bunch of Seventh Day Adventurers. It’s dangerous to be a Methodist.

The Commission then passed the NIMS resolution, which has something to do with shooting terrorists on sight. The Chief shows everyone exactly why he’s head of the department. His literacy is surprisingly good, if a bit monotone. You’d never be able to guess that he graduated from Broken Springs High.

Actually NIMS is the National Incident Management System, and has nothing to do with shooting terrorists. But that’s kinda boring, isn’t it?

At this point in the meeting, Curly Headed Sandy admits, not for the first time in her life, that she’s confused. Remember last month’s meeting when all of the policies drafted by the Attorney were discussed? No? Well neither does the rest of the commission. Sandy, meanwhile, had done all her homework and read the policies, making diligent notes in the margins. She was fully prepared to discuss these policies this meeting but Attorney Amnesia’s Absence prevented such a discussion. Chairman Hildecrust told everyone that they could forget about it next month again.

Bob Frugal asks some frugal questions about expenses, assuring that money isn’t being thrown down the drain any more than usual.

Then the floor gets handed over to Mayor Jan Chaddwick, who’d passed around a handout before the meeting. She intended to clarify the Village’s position on the possible *dissolution* of the police department, which she assured they are NOT worried about on the council. The packet included copies of the letter she sent Ernie, and his response, and a copy of the letter sent to her by the Township Clerk. She accused Debra Hate from the Herald Pollution of sensationalistic journalism because of the article that ran in the August 11th paper.

Basically it all boils down to this:
Because the Village Council is concerned about the future of the police department, they’ve requested, in the event that the department is *dissolved*, their share of the funds to establish their own department or contract the service out. But when it was made clear by Township Clerk Sue Frettin that any such transfer of current millage funds would be illegal, Mayor Chaddwick wishes to clarify that the Village is NOT asking for those funds after all. They’re merely asking that the department not be *dissolved.*

Got it? Get it. Good.

* Note: Dissolve is the Village’s word. As far as I’m aware, the Township formed the committee to research the administration of the department, possibly changing the makeup of the Police Commission itself and not the actual department.

Personally, if I were in charge of the makeup of the commission, I'd use less blush and more eye shadow. Maybe a lighter shade of lipstick as well.

A research committee member and possible mole, El Gordo Davis, happened to be in the audience of the meeting. He mentioned that he was outmanned (by two women and a boob) on many discussions in the meetings. But his concern was over the legality of taping the research committee’s meetings. Hildecrust played a Kingston, claiming ignorance on the matter, while Kingston’s better half (if there is such a thing), Cherry, believed that these meetings fall under the Open Meetings Act and should be open to being taped. Apparently the four person committee discusses too much for little Gordo to remember and repeat to his Village friends, proving that he needs to freshen up on his note taking skills before the committee begins meeting again. Maybe he ought to learn shorthand.

The meeting was adjourned at 7:32.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Millage Passes!

In other news, sky still blue, grass still green.

Broken Springs loves her cops. The top heavy staff of 7 full time and 4 reserve officers are again sighing in relief after the passing of the most recent millage renewal on Tuesday. Voters decided by almost a two to one margin to throw more tax dollars at the department this year, as they approved a four mill renewal of last year’s three mill plus one. Advocates emphasized that this year’s vote was only a renewal, not an increase, and over 600 local residents swallowed, hook, line, and sinker. In fact, the margin of victory was so overwhelming that police supporters immediately regretted not asking for 5 mills instead of four.

“Clearly, the citizens of Broken Springs realize good police coverage when they see it,” said Mayor Jan Chaddwick, celebrating with a triple dipped ice cream cone from McDonalds. “Next year, when we ask for another additional mill to offset our undisciplined spending out of our bare bones budget, we’re going to include a clause that guarantees increases in subsequent years, as a courtesy to the voter so they won’t have to be bothered by inconvenient elections. What better way to say thank you to Broken Springs?”

The police millage was never seriously in jeopardy, as primary opponents spent much of their free time opining on silly internet blogsites and drawing fake moustaches on pictures of village officials. Millage passings are a given in Broken Springs, unless they’re for the public school system.

NFBS called the police department for a comment on their victory but our calls were not returned by the time this article went to press. We can only assume that Broken Springs’s Finest have nabbed another bad check writer, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that our tax dollars are already hard at work.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Potent and Impotent

Despite the fact that in our last poll no one voted for Potent and Impotent as their favorite NFBS feature, that doesn’t mean we’ll quit writing it. No, dear reader, you shan’t get off that easy.

One might wonder, if so inclined to wonder about such boring things, why the one and only Broken Springs Satirical Online Rag (i.e. Us) has yet to run any articles on the upcoming police millage and local elections, scheduled for next Tuesday. It’s not that we don’t care about the outcomes of these votes. Quite the contrary. The police millage in particular will decide whether things will stay business as usual or whether the citizenry of Broken Springs will finally get some much needed tax relief. Oh sure, it’s only two hundred dollars for the average household, but that kind of money can gas up your SUV for a good two or three days. We predict that the millage will pass overwhelmingly, but that’s not the real question, is it? The real question is: should it?

The local print rag had a lot of whoppers this week, didn’t it? From the misnomer that without the passing of the millage we’ll be left in total anarchy with NO POLICE PROTECTION WHATSOEVER (except for those nice young men in brown and tan and those professional men in navy blue left out of the article) to a stunning endorsement of the millage from who other than a local cop… we’d like our seventy-five cents back please. But I guess one must be grateful for small treasures, such as the revelation that Broken Springs isn’t Mayberry. Of course we’re not Mayberry. We’re in color. Plus, Mayberry probably didn’t have as many bad checks.

On a side note, we at NFBS would like to propose a new BSPD motto: Protecting us from Bad Checks and Escaped Buffalo. Can anyone think up a jingle? Extra points if you include the rat snake.

The politics of personal destruction has reared its ugly head in the neighboring Broken Township. One side’s claiming their signs are being stolen (when in fact they’re really being abducted by aliens) and the other side is taking the stance that Litter and Debris pose a greater threat than Al Qaeda. It all makes me want to wander across the river for a meeting sometime and see what all the fuss is about. But I’ve been warned that the Supervisor wouldn’t welcome my presence very much. Who knows what the potential new Supervisor would think.

In state politics, one of Broken Springs’s own has decided to try to uproot the current incumbent, Neo Nitzi. Does he stand a chance? Well, I’m rooting for my hometown in this battle, at least in the primaries. After that, go Judy go. But as an evil Democrat, Judy Truesdell doesn’t have a snow cone’s chance in hell of winning. Sadly, there’s a better chance that an asteroid will hit the 78th District on election day. Given such options, I’m rooting for the asteroid.

Our local underrated community colleges also have a millage vote on the ballot. Given that the best years of my academic life were at Lake Michigan College, I strongly encourage people to support these millages. Community colleges are an excellent choice for someone not rich enough for a four year school, and I’d even go so far as to say the education itself is better. Governor Granholm , meanwhile, has a plan to make college a viable option for all. Are you listening, local candidates?

Mark your calendars for August 8th. Remember, if you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.