Hi and Lowlights from the Broken County Youth Fair

I’d like to say that NFBS hasn’t been updated much lately because last week was fair week and I was there every night. But that’d be a lie. I’ve just been lazy, concentrating too much on my pool game, which has failed me lately, so screw that. I’m back to writing.

Broken Springs doesn’t have much, but we do have the fair. In case you’re one of the many town residents who didn’t support our only local festival, here’s a little of what you missed.

There wasn’t a dull moment in the three inning massacre, er, I mean baseball game between the House of Daniel and the Possomtime Beauty Queens. The score was 22-1, in favor of God’s Chosen People. The Queen’s only run came in the third inning when Israelite Abraham Hershkowitz was distracted by Miss Eclaire’s bouncing breasts as she ran out a grounder. The first baseman, whose beliefs include celibacy and vegetarianism, hadn’t seen such a meaty sight since he was an infant in his mother’s bosom. A run scored on the error.

But the Queen’s lone run was not enough to spark a rally after a very disastrous second inning, when more Christians crossed the plate than were invited to Jesus‘s Last Supper. Unfortunately for the Queens not only did 17 runs score but Miss Pukanon also broke a nail on a bouncer up the middle. The inning ended when Miss Stevensburg caught a pop fly in her tiara. She was knocked out cold but still able to hold onto the ball. She was later rushed to the emergency room and discovered to have suffered no more brain damage than she already had as a blonde Possomtime Beauty Queen.

For those of you into the bondage of bull testicles, the Rodeo was Friday night. As George Carlin once said, whenever I see a rodeo, I can’t help but to root for the bull.

The Demolition Derby was Saturday night but in all honesty it was every day and night driving around Broken Springs, dealing with the crazy traffic. I was lucky. My airbag only went off twice and I locked my brakes up once.

The Enemies of Broken Springs did a fine job again this year with their KKKorn Dogs. Personally I had 6 and that was just on Monday. Their motto should be, “The best wiener you can buy for a buck twenty five.”

Unfortunately attendance was down again this year. Fair personnel blamed the rainstorm Friday night even though the weather held off until the fair was closed. Every year when attendance is down they blame the weather. Personally I think attendance was down because the fair sucked. But hey, it’s all Broken Springs has so what are you gonna do? It could be worse. We could be Benton Harlem.

Was there anything in the Commercial buildings besides churches and home improvement booths? That’s fine if you’re looking for energy efficient windows and salvation all at once. But what about the rest of the world?

As always, I enjoyed the animals much more than the people at the fair. The goats were my favorite, only because they make you seem like the animals. And like the carnivores that we are, I read that Dime Table and Century Steakhouse purchased one of the grand champion goats, I’m assuming for more than just lawn care. How anyone can eat a goat is beyond me. Just think of that poor little creature. A week of hell at the Broken County Youth Fair only to be executed later. It’d be more humane to reverse the order.

Our favorite BS Finest, Daniel Shame was running people down in a golf cart again. Take downs are easier on four wheels. And speaking of coppers, I was able to purchase (at a very reasonable five bucks) a pair of bona fide furry handcuffs. The boyfriend says he’s going to handcuff me to the kitchen sink until I do his dishes. But I have different plans, which I can’t reveal except to say that his tackle box will never be the same.

The Democratic tent fell victim, as usual, to Republican vandalism late Thursday night. But local Donkey Jess Minks caught one of the scoundrels and justice prevailed. The vandal was sent to the Blake Shelton concert as punishment.

Other than that, it was a pretty boring time at the Broken County Youth Fair, which only means one thing: we can’t wait till next year.