Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Trump blames Alt Left for Cross Dressed Statues

An angry and mentally battered President Trump condemned the Alt-Left for vandalizing Confederate Statues in several cities overnight, including dressing one up in a pink bra and layered skirt.

“Where’s the fake news now?” tweeted Trump at 5:35 AM Wednesday morning. “Why no reporting on violent vandals dressing heroes up as trannies?” Trump shared a Fox & Friends story about overnight vandalism in Louisiana where unknown suspects garbed a statue of Jefferson Davis in a pink bra and matching skirt. The statue's fingernails on one hand were painted red, white, and blue, indicating that law enforcement interrupted the vandals in the middle of the act. The Fox & Friends story didn’t identify the culprits and so far they are unknown to local authorities but the all white panel did speculate that the vandals may have blended into the darkness as they escaped. And the President, not waiting for all the facts to be released, assumed it was violent protesters of the Alt-Left, coming at Davis, armed with clubs, and without a permit.

Several seemingly coordinated acts of vandalism happened elsewhere in the nation, included someone putting a girdle on Stonewall Jackson in West Virginia, and vandals giving a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest, a Lieutenant General for the Confederacy and also the 1st Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, a very flamboyant makeover in Alabama. It was first suspected that vandals also attacked the J. Edgar Hoover statue in our nation’s Capitol, but upon closer inspection, his monument was not vandalized, after all. 

When pressed at this afternoon’s press conference, the President said, “Look, whoever it was, it was some bad hombres, or maybe some darkies the cops couldn’t see running away. They can climb pretty good, you know. It’s in their genes from years in the jungle.” After the collective gasp from the press corps, Trump continued, “Nobody wants to say it, but I will say it. That’s just science.”

Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen nearby staring at his shoes.

A White House statement soon followed the press conference, which stated, “The Department of Justice has been instructed to bring to justice whomever cross dressed several sacred monuments nationwide. These vandals will be caught, and will not terrorize this great nation any longer.”

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Steve King: Build Border Wall with Food Stamp Recipients and Planned Parenthood Doctors

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) is calling for using food stamp recipients and Planned Parenthood workers to help build President Trump’s southern border wall, the Washington Examiner reported Wednesday. Food stamp recipients would become part of the foundation of the wall, while Planned Parenthood workers, including doctors who provide abortions, would be part of the labor force enslaved to build the wall.

On Tuesday of this week, the House Appropriations Committee inducted a spending bill that helped offset the price of the wall. The bill would allocate nearly $2 billion towards the wall as part of a nearly $14 billion spent for Customs and Border Protection. But that isn’t enough for Rep. King, as he insisted that his idea could save more than $5 billion for Trump’s promised wall.
“I would find half a billion dollars of that straight away by putting the whip to those Planned Parenthood monsters,” he told the Examiner. “And the rest of the savings would be in supplies, because who needs so much concrete and steel when you use those on welfare to hold the wall together? Not only will they stop milking the system, as part of the border wall, they will be productive for the first time in their lives.”
King’s controversial plan has been met with cries of applause from the conservative right, as well as cries of inhumanity from the progressive left.
“Representative King wants to literally bury children and the elderly in a wall to keep out immigrants. Isn’t it enough that his policies are already burying our most vulnerable citizens?” tweeted Bernie Sanders.
King’s office put out the following statement in response to such criticism. “Nothing could be further from the truth. Representative King would never use the elderly and children as part of the wall. It would be much more practical to use healthy, able bodied adults, particularly those with a high body mass index so as to build a taller, stronger wall.”
The plan, if passed by Congress, would surely be signed by President Trump, who already tweeted his support for the bill Thursday morning: “Using welfare moochers and abortion drs (sickos!) to MAGA is so smart Im surprized I didn’t think of it.”
Others, such as Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway, also voiced support for the idea on this morning’s episode of Fox and Friends. “We have an entitlement problem in this country and since these people will not work, this is a great idea of how to make them work for us.”
“As filler?” asked a smiling Steve Doocy.
“In whatever capacity they can fill,” she said.
When pointed out, by Jake Tapper later on in the morning, that the majority of welfare recipients actually have jobs but don’t make a livable wage, Conway added, “Then using them as the foundation of the wall would be opening up so many jobs for Americans who want to work, wouldn’t it?”
She then went on to plug Ivanka’s new line of designer purses.
In describing how he came up with his idea, King explained that food stamps were created to fight malnutrition but that the people who benefit from these programs are usually overweight.
"Now we have a problem of obesity," he explained. "And when you match up the [Electronics Benefits Transfer] card with what the scales say on some of the folks, I think it's worth looking at. [Former first lady]Michelle Obama looked at it.

“Sasquatch’s solution was to eat better and exercise. But she was closing the barn door after the pigs got out. All I’m sayin’ is we’ll never get the pigs back in the barn. So load ‘em up in a wall Jimmy Hoffa style, and let their vices protect the United States of America.”

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Trump Riled He’s Not Included on Anon’s KKK List

Presidential hopeful and media prostitute Donald Trump took to Twitter Thursday evening, erupting at not being included in the Hacktivist organization Anonymous’ KKK list. The billionaire Trump, whose campaign has revolved around deporting over 11 million illegal aliens if he’s elected President, insisted that he was deliberately omitted from the list in an attempt by Anonymous to attack his character.

“Of course I should be on the list,” he told a crowd of old, rich, white supporters in Florida earlier Friday morning. “I should be number one. Just the fact that I’m nowhere to be found on it discredits the entire list.”

Anonymous coincided the Operation Hoods Off KKK information release of 500-1000 names with November 5th, Guy Fawkes Day, a day celebrated in Great Britain that dates back to 1605, when Guy Fawkes was arrested for plotting to blow up the House of Lords. The online Hacktivists have a history of fighting for social justice by unveiling private data of their social enemies.

Two days before the data dump, a leaked file incorrectly identified four U.S. Senators on this list, as well as several mayors and elected representatives. They all quickly took to the social media airwaves to denounce the validity of the leak and proclaim their innocence.

There are many people upset about the KKK list, including those who appeared on the inaccurate version. But as of this writing, Trump is the only person upset at not making the list.

“I invented prejudice. Prejudice is what makes America great. That and Celebrity Apprentice,” he said to a roaring crowd at a campaign stop in Ames, Iowa. “I have enough white sheets in my closet to clothe Liberace, only mine aren’t gay,” he went on, as the crowd started chanting “Donald J. for the KKK.”

At one point in his speech, he pointed to a poster of a Guy Fawkes mask and yelled, “Look at that face! Why would anyone believe an ugly loser like that?”

Several national polls show Trump to be narrowly leading the race for the Republican nomination over political outsider and religious neurosurgeon Ben Carson. Carson, who recently posited that the pyramids were built by the Biblical Joseph to store grain, told reporters that he’s quickly working on his next crazy statement in order to jump Trump in the polls.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Cubs Lose in Playoffs, Cosmos Safe

In historic fashion, the curse of the Billy Goat again reared its ugly head on those Lovable Losers, the Chicago Cubs. Game four of the National League Chamspionhip Series ended with the New York Mets beating the Cubbies by the score of 8-3, sweeping the team everyone thought was destined to win the World Series because Back to the Future predicted it. The Mets hammered Chicago Cub pitcher Jason Hammel so bad he only lasted two innings innings in the post season game, ensuring the continuation of planetary rotation and balance within the cosmos.

"On the one hand, I'm severely disappointed," said 86-year-old Bud Cromsky, a die hard Chicago Cub fan, "But at least there'll be no Armageddon."

Continued life on earth has, of all things, a Billy Goat to thank. During the Cubs' last trip to the Series in 1945, Chicago tavern-keeper, Sam Sianis and his pet goat Murphy were denied entrance into Wrigley Field. Sianis said, "Never again will World Series be played in Wrigley Field," or so the tale is told. The moral of this story is: don't piss off a man with a goat. Of course curses cannot live on Billy Goats alone.

In 1969, a black cat walked across Wrigley Field and the Cubs lost to the New York Mets. The superstition that followed was predictable, but rarely is the question asked: how did a cat get into Wrigley when a Billy Goat doesn't stand a chance?

In the eighth inning of game six of 2003's LCS between the Marlins and the Cubs, with the Cubs just innings away from a World Series, one of the Cubs' very own helped further along their losing streak. On a pop foul near the left field line, Chicago outfielder Moises Alou seemed poised to pocket the second out of the inning. But a Cubbie fan deflected the ball away from Alou's glove, and the inevitable chaos ensued. An error, a walk, eight runs, and several cups of beer spilt on the infamous fan later, the Cubs rolled over faster than John F. on Marilyn Monroe.

It's been 107 years since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series. Bud Cromsky was but a twinkle in his pop's eye. Back then Wrigley Field didn't have lights because electricity had not yet been invented. Neither had television, the internet, or air conditioning. Back then Chicago wasn't even the Windy City yet. It was affectionately known as the Slightly Breezy City.

One can only wonder how much the world will have changed if the Chicago Cubs ever return to the World Series. I've got my money on robotic pitchers and beer that stays cold without refrigeration. But in the meantime, we should celebrate the continued stability of the cosmos.

Thursday, September 03, 2015

Same Sex Jail Romance Leads to Kentucky Clerk’s Change of Heart

Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis, who refused to issue gay marriage licenses and was taken into federal custody Thursday, has posted bond and been released after having a change of heart in jail. After experiencing what she called a quasi-religious experience with her female cell mate, Davis returned to her job, her cheeks flushed and a smile spread across her formerly dumpy disposition.

“God sent me a message while I was incarcerated,” she told a crowd outside the courthouse before heading back to work. “God was cleverly disguised as a big black woman named Shaniqua with very soft hands, but His message was loud and clear: We are here to love one another, not to deny each other basic rights and services.” Shaniqua Jackson, a former hairdresser from Ashland and Davis’s cell mate for the night, is serving a four year sentence for prostitution and marijuana possession.
Davis had been taken into custody Thursday morning for refusing to issue marriage certificates on the grounds that same sex marriages violated her religious faith. “My conscious won’t allow me,” she explained to the judge at the time. While many pointed out the obvious hypocrisy of having been married four times, divorced thrice, with a lot of infidelity in between, Davis held firm to her principles and considered jail a lot cooler than the fiery hells of eternal damnation. After her arrest, religious leaders across the nation expressed outrage over what they deemed the persecution of Christianity. Republican Presidential candidate and former governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, trying to steal the spotlight away from the surging Donald Trump, took to twitter to say, “Kim Davis in federal custody removes all doubt about the criminalization of Christianity in this country. We must defend religious liberty.”
But all that talk came to a screeching halt Friday morning after Davis’s about face on the issue, causing some to speculate that she was bribed and possibly tortured while under federal custody. When asked by the press if bribery or torture played a part in her change in religious conviction, she only smiled shyly and said that Shaniqua showed her the error of her ways.
“I owe my revelation first and foremost to God, who sent me an angel. She spread her wings all up and over me and protected me from the winds of bigotry,” she said quivering from head to toe. “Praise God!” She then quickly trotted into her job at the clerk’s office and signed the first same sex marriage license she could get her hands on.
“I think it’s terrific,” said Scott Holland, one of the future grooms of Davis’s first official granted same sex license to marry. “In fact, we’re thinking of having our ceremony at the jail so Shaniqua can attend.”
When asked what effect her latest experience would have on her fourth and current marriage, Ms. Davis said, “I can’t imagine ever leaving my husband, at least not for another four years or so.”
Mike Huckabee and all the religious leaders we attempted to interview for a follow up were unavailable to comment.

Obama Renames Mount McKinley “Caitlyn”

President Obama announced this Sunday that he is officially changing the name of Mount McKinley in Alaska, to Caitlyn, via his 1, 079th executive order since taking office in 2009.
The mountain formally known as McKinley, at 20,320 feet, is the tallest in North American, and has been referred to in the feminine by Alaskans for years. Caitlyn is an Athabascan word that means, “the highest mountain without a peak.”
“This is long overdue,” said the President to a large and excited Alaskan crowd of 6 people this weekend. “Mountains should have a right to be that which they truly are, instead of what societal norms expect from them.”
Obama then altered the Mountain’s birth certificate to reflect the name change
The new and improved Mount Caitlyn was originally christened Mount McKinley by a gold prospector in 1896 in honor of President William McKinley. McKinley, the man, not the mountain, never visited Alaska in his Presidency, yet the name stuck for many reasons, including the hefty expense of reprinting history books a hundred years ago.
To help celebrate the mountain’s transformation, Vanity Fair is running a special featurein this month’s magazine. And across the nation, other misidentified national monuments are rumored to be on the verge of revealing changes of their own. Rumors that Yellowstone National Park is wanting to be identified as Pinkstone have yet to be verified.
Meanwhile, all 28 Republican Presidential candidates have come out against the change, most of whom insist it’s just another Obama overreach and a sign of Socialistic tolerance of deviant behavior that goes against Biblical teachings.
Front runner Donald Trump mocked both the President and the mountain while stumping in Iowa. “If Alaska hadn’t let all the Canadians infiltrate their border, Mount McKinley wouldn’t be a fat pig like Rosie O’Donnell. Elect me President and I will build a wall around Alaska and make America great again!” he said to a roaring crowd.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Gay Duck Porn Found on Phil Robertson's Hard Drive

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson may not condone human homosexuality, but a recent reveal of the contents of his personal computer exposes his fascination with homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom, particularly in the duck species.

The hacker group Anonymous recently unveiled the Dynasty star's peccadillo for unconventional forms of sex after the controversial star came under fire for comparing human homosexuals to drunkards, terrorists, and prostitutes.

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," he told the magazine GQ about the decline of America. "Don't be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won't inherit the kingdom of God.”

But it seems, judging from his personal hard drive, same-sex duck fornicators get a pass for the Pearly Gates.

Phil Robertson, Duck Commander
Found on his hard drive were pictures of male ducks getting their duck dynasty on, as well as several heterosexual “Rape Flight” images of males ducks mounting females in mid-flight. Also included was a short video ripped from Youtube of a duck engaging in necrophilia with another duck (whose sex remains unknown). Scientists insist that homosexual behavior isn't rare amongst animal species, and is actually quite common among ducks and other birds. Such fascination with duck sex, however, remains an oddity among our human species.

Several people close to Robertson have also made allegations that he enjoys mounting ducks, but friends insists that he only mounts animals for taxidermy purposes and that no other hanky panky occurs.

In response to this most recent outing, Robertson excused the content of his computer as “market research and case studies into the nature of ducks so that we can make better duck calls.” He added, “That's what's wrong with our society. Everyone is so quick to judge and assume the worst.”

Several others have come to his defense.

One of several images found
“I don't have any right to judge Phil if he gets his jollies from watching sex documentaries on Animal Planet. Duck Dynasty is still a very funny show,” said a female DD fan sporting pink camouflage in the local Bass Pro Shop. “Personally I think he would prefer a duck's vagina to its anus, but that's his call, not mine.”

“Phil shouldn't be punished for exercising his right to freedom of speech,” said Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who once called his own Republican party the 'stupid party.' “He has a right
to believe whatever hateful things he wishes. Seriously what did A&E expect to come out of his gray bearded lips? Rainbows and tolerance?”

Kiddie duck porn
Another friend of Robertson, Sarah Palin, who has been filmed shooting wolves from a helicopter, and pressuring a local librarian on the issue of banning books, called A&E's decision to suspend Robertson from Duck Dynasty shameful because, “free speech is an endangered species.”

Meanwhile, Duck Dynasty's future on A&E looks bleak. The cast of the show is unanimously supporting Robertson as it considers an offer from the FOX News Network.