News from Broken Springs

A satirical view of news from small town, America.
DISCLAIMER: Contents are fiction and intended for mature audiences.
"Satirical garbage, atrocious, obscene, and shameful." -local FOJ
"Anything but elegant" - Herald Palladium
"Contains some sophomoric content that many would find offensive" -Herald Palladium

Updated weakly, very weakly

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Only in Broken Springs...


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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Gay Duck Porn Found on Phil Robertson's Hard Drive

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson may not condone human homosexuality, but a recent reveal of the contents of his personal computer exposes his fascination with homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom, particularly in the duck species.

The hacker group Anonymous recently unveiled the Dynasty star's peccadillo for unconventional forms of sex after the controversial star came under fire for comparing human homosexuals to drunkards, terrorists, and prostitutes.

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," he told the magazine GQ about the decline of America. "Don't be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won't inherit the kingdom of God.”

But it seems, judging from his personal hard drive, same-sex duck fornicators get a pass for the Pearly Gates.

Phil Robertson, Duck Commander
Found on his hard drive were pictures of male ducks getting their duck dynasty on, as well as several heterosexual “Rape Flight” images of males ducks mounting females in mid-flight. Also included was a short video ripped from Youtube of a duck engaging in necrophilia with another duck (whose sex remains unknown). Scientists insist that homosexual behavior isn't rare amongst animal species, and is actually quite common among ducks and other birds. Such fascination with duck sex, however, remains an oddity among our human species.

Several people close to Robertson have also made allegations that he enjoys mounting ducks, but friends insists that he only mounts animals for taxidermy purposes and that no other hanky panky occurs.

In response to this most recent outing, Robertson excused the content of his computer as “market research and case studies into the nature of ducks so that we can make better duck calls.” He added, “That's what's wrong with our society. Everyone is so quick to judge and assume the worst.”

Several others have come to his defense.

One of several images found
“I don't have any right to judge Phil if he gets his jollies from watching sex documentaries on Animal Planet. Duck Dynasty is still a very funny show,” said a female DD fan sporting pink camouflage in the local Bass Pro Shop. “Personally I think he would prefer a duck's vagina to its anus, but that's his call, not mine.”

“Phil shouldn't be punished for exercising his right to freedom of speech,” said Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who once called his own Republican party the 'stupid party.' “He has a right
to believe whatever hateful things he wishes. Seriously what did A&E expect to come out of his gray bearded lips? Rainbows and tolerance?”

Kiddie duck porn
Another friend of Robertson, Sarah Palin, who has been filmed shooting wolves from a helicopter, and pressuring a local librarian on the issue of banning books, called A&E's decision to suspend Robertson from Duck Dynasty shameful because, “free speech is an endangered species.”

Meanwhile, Duck Dynasty's future on A&E looks bleak. The cast of the show is unanimously supporting Robertson as it considers an offer from the FOX News Network.


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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Orthodox Jewish School Expels 7th Grader Who Can't Grow Beard

An Orthodox Jewish School in West Florida has expelled a 12-year-old student for not adhering to part of the school's dress code dealing with grooming. Nathan O'Malley attends Hebrew Jr. High in Pensacola, Florida. According to reports, O'Malley was asked to leave school on Monday after numerous warnings that he had not conformed to the school's code on facial hair. According to the school's disciplinary handbook, all males twelve-years-old or older must grow out their facial hair, or at the very least, some stubble. According to school tradition, the facial hair code is based on Leviticus 19:27, which states, "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."

O'Malley insists that he's not purposely disobeying the code because he's tried to grow facial hair on several occassions.  But the best he's been able to muster so far is a couple of patchy red blotches that more resemble an old fox with the mange than a beard and moustache. On the few occasions he'd gone to school in such a state, he's been bullied so bad that he's chosen to shave what feeble stubble he can grow. Counselors insist that O'Malley, as a pre-teen with adolescent pre-pubescent hormones of Irish descent, will probably not be able to grow a full beard until he's at least 16-years-old. But administrators and school board officials at the strict Jewish school haven't the patience to wait that long.
Read more »

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Friday, November 15, 2013

New NSA Allegations Surround Facebook Number Game

You may have noticed a recent Facebook game on your newsfeed lately where friends assign each other numbers to reveal not so random facts about each other. It may have seemed harmless enough admitting that your favorite food is chocolate or that you usually watch Duck Dynasty in the nude, but new allegations are coming forth about the game being linked to the Obama Administration and the NSA's secret wiretapping scandal.

Senator and part-time unlicensed dentist, Rand Paul of Kentucky was the first to make such allegations on the Senate floor this past Friday. He claims to have read several documents online regarding the link between the social media craze and the National Security Agency, particularly many articles from Wikipedia he plans to plagiarize at a later date.

“The American people should always be vigilant against its over-reaching government, snooping into your private affairs,” he told the media, right after voting against an anti-discrimination workplace measure. “Again, the Obama Administration is acting on behalf of only themselves and tricking people into relinquishing private information on Facebook,” said the Senator whose own list included his now not-so secret desire to someday own a lawn jockey, and his fondness for squirrels.

So far both the Obama Administration and the NSA have denied allegations that they are data mining the numbers game on Facebook, but a recent FOIA request has documented several thousand log in attempts to Facebook from the Oval Office this month alone The President insists his recent surge in connectivity is merely due to his recent addiction to Candy Crush. “And Michelle,” he added, “She can't get enough of Grumpy Cat.” Asked whether or not the Affordable Care Act's addled website, Healthcare.gov has anything to do with how much time the Commander in Chief spends online, Obama only shrugged and said, “Cut me some slack! The last guy in here was still using a dot matrix printer.”

Government officials insist that the recent arrest of terrorist Abdullah Sam Alrah, shortly after he posted his list on Facebook is a mere coincidence. His #2 was about a designer suicide vest he recently bought from Hugo Boss.

Only time (and endless Congressional hearings) will tell whether or not Facebook's innocent and harmless number game is really so innocent and harmless. But in the meantime users may wish to be a little less social in social media. Either that or just keep playing the giraffe game.

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Thursday, August 22, 2013

Overpass for Impeachment Collapses

Karma struck on the I-5 Interstate in Carlsbad, California yesterday when one of the “Overpasses for Impeachment” collapsed, sending 12 people to the hospital. According to federal databases, the freeway overpass had recently been graded “functionally obsolete” but still legally safe to drive on from the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) as recently as September 2009.


According to local sources, the overpass gave way at approximately 5 o'clock in the afternoon, during the highway's busiest time of day, crashing into the freeway beneath it and backing up traffic for hours. The overpass had become notorious for being one of several “Overpasses for Impeachment” across the nation, displaying large signs expressing disagreement with the Obama administration for scandals such as Benghazi, the NSA wiretapping, and the Obama's decision to get another dog. Many of those signs could still be seen after the collapse.

Tea Party protestor and author of many of the signs had this to say about the accident: “It's clear to me that this travesty is a sign from the Almighty that Obama does not belong in the White House. If this doesn't say that God is on our side, nothing does.”

Several onlookers were shocked and expressed disappointment at the scene.

“I'm not saying that the President had direct involvement in this disaster, but I have to wonder why he's sending our money to the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt instead of using it on our crumbling bridges and overpasses,” said Charlotte Summers, who was traveling beneath the bridge when it collapsed. She was treated and released for head injuries.

In fact, the American Society of Civil Engineers have recently given the country a D grade for the condition of our transportation infrastructure, recommending that $3.6 trillion in investment is needed by the year 2020. But so far President Obama has failed to delegate that kind of spending, unable to convince Congress to pay the bills it already has, let alone rack up new ones. The last federal spending on infrastructure occurred in 2009 as part of the Stimulus package. Obama's Jobs bill would have delegated another $50 billion for infrastructure, but it stalled via Republican filibuster in the U.S. Senate late last year.

“Again he fails us,” says former Obama voter Reed Stevens, as he rehangs his 'We've reached Barack Bottom' sign on part of the bridge still upright. “I really wish he'd look out for the will of the people instead of going on vacation all the time.”

Congressional Representative for Carlsbad, Duncan D. Hunter (R), could not be reached for comment, as Congress just began a five week recess.

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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Broken County Youth Fair

What's up with all the kids pictures in this week's Urinal Era? Didn't any adults patronize the fair?

Haha

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Tuesday, November 06, 2012

MI Ballot Proposals: How I'm Voting and Why

(Feel free to copy my answers. Crib sheets are allowed in voting booths)

Michigan has six proposals on this year's ballot. I am voting NO-YES-YES-YES-NO-NO on them.

I have two main issues that drive my political activism. As a writer and artist, my number one issue is the right to freedom of speech. There's a reason our Founding Fathers made freedom of speech our first amendment. I've had my speech revoked from me once by my local politicians and police and it was the worst experience of my life. I don't wish that on anyone. My second main issue that makes me as passionate as I am is our fundamental right to Democracy. So it's especially upsetting to me to see democracy being attacked in any form. The very first proposal addresses the suppression of democracy as it has been victimized by the Emergency Manager Law. I support the law as it had originally been signed as the Emergency FINANCE Manager law, put into effect by Governor Granholm. But Governor Snyder has morphed the law into something it was never meant to be, in an overreaching tyrannical power grab and a way to break union contracts. Now Emergency Managers can take over a city and render its elected city board powerless. What this means is every person who voted in that city's election – no matter who they voted for – all of those votes were in vain because the officials elected to do a job can be ousted by an Emergency Manager on the request of the Governor. This is an insult to the very idea of what it means to be American. (On a side note, Debbie Stabenow's opponent Pete Hoekstra wants to repeal the 19th Amendment and go back to the time when state legislators choose the Senators to each state.) Is Democracy dead in Michigan? Why the hate?

So I urge you, if you vote on only one proposal, make it the first one. And vote NO.

The second ballot proposal is nearly as important, as it will protect workers' rights to collectively bargain and unionize and thereby thwarting efforts to make Michigan a “Right to Work (for less)” state. You might remember what Scott Walker did in Wisconsin? Let's try to avert such lunacy here by voting YES to allow collective bargaining rights to be safeguarded in our state Constitution. The naysayers are spreading falsehoods that unions will lead to repealing background checks for school employees and safety regulations for bus drivers, but that's a slippery slope argument. The right to unionize will only guarantee workers the right to bargain with their employers. What they bargain for will be whatever their employers will be willing to give them. Nothing less. Nothing more. Proposal 4 also addresses the right to collectively bargain, this time for home care workers, so I urge you to vote YES on that one as well.

Proposal 3 is to establish a higher standard for renewable energy. If it passes, electric companies will have to get 25% of their energy from renewable sources by the year 2025. These sources are clean and green – wind, solar, biomass, and hydrogen. Naysayers claim that electric costs would rocket, but the proposal buts a cap in place for the rates would not be allowed to increase more than 1% each year. I think that's a good investment for clean energy, so I vote YES to proposal 3. In the long run, it will save tons of money, and our environment. Michigan is a beautiful state. Let's preserve it. Thirty other states have similar measures on the books, and it's time we caught up.

Proposals 5 and 6 are less important to me, but I plan on voting NO to both.

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How I'm Voting and Why

For President, as most of you already know, I'm voting to reelect President Obama. Notice I say President Obama and not Muslim Barack Hussein Obama the Kenyan Commie Socialist because he is Christian, and Hawaiian born, and as Commander in Chief he has so far not promoted or condoned any policy that requires the government owning the means of production, which is the true definition of socialism, just in case anyone is wondering. You still might be saying of course he's not all those ludicrous things, but why support him when the economy still sucks and gas prices are still bending us over at the pump? To which I say: You might be unaware that the private sector of the US economy has added jobs for 32 consecutive months, and overall since Obama took office in the middle of the Great Recession, more than 5 million jobs overall. (http://www.startribune.com/business/176942311.html?refer=y) I know that's nowhere close to Bill Clinton's 22 million jobs created, but it beats the hell out of George W. Bush's 2 million. Housing is also on the rise, manufacturing is back up, and gas prices, as always, are all over the map because their price is set by oil speculators on Wall Street more than simple supply and demand or anything a President can do. Unemployment is going down, albeit slowly but knowing history helps understand the complexity of recovering from an economic recession. During the Great Depression the only thing that saved us was spending our way out of it as a nation. FDR did just that, investing in America and creating jobs where there were none. Obama's stimulus was the same thing. Expensive yes, but it wasn't nearly the investment we needed to recover quickly from our Bush economic hangover. The fact that we're recovering at all is proof that the stimulus worked, even if it was watered down by Congressional Republicans. Could it have worked better... quicker, had it been bigger? Perhaps. But we'll never know for sure. Is there more work to be done with the economy? Of course. But Mitt Romney wants to return us to times of supply side economics, where the trickle down never trickles down, and the gap between rich and poor grows at a faster rate than it ever had in the past. He wants to lower taxes for the rich again, even though the last batch of tax cuts haven't even expired yet and were only supposed to be temporary.

It's about much more than economic policies, however. Obama supports my choices as a woman. The main reason I would never vote for Mitt Romney is because I'm a proud owner of a vagina. I only use the word vagina because earlier this year Lisa Brown, a Representative in the Michigan state house was barred from the floor for using that dirty term during an abortion debate. So I will say it again...

Vagina vagina vagina!

How does Mitt stand on my vagina? Very carefully, I hope! All kidding aside, Mitt has flip flopped so many times on the issues of choice and womens' reproductive rights, he's a regular hermaphrapolitician. Consider his actual quotes:


"I believe that since Roe v. Wade has been the law for 20 years, that we should sustain and support it."  -1994

As Governor, Mitt Romney would protect the current pro-choice status quo in Massachusetts. No law would change.  -2002 Governor platform

“I am pro-life. I believe that abortion is the wrong choice except in cases of incest, rape, and to save the life of the mother. I wish the people of America agreed, and that the laws of our nation could reflect that view. But while the nation remains so divided over abortion, I believe that the states, through the democratic process, should determine their own abortion laws and not have them dictated by judicial mandate.”  -2005

“It is one thing to end federal funding for an organization like Planned Parenthood; it is entirely another to end all federal funding for thousands of hospitals across America.... That is precisely what the pledge would demand and require of a president who signed it.” (During his campaign in 2011, while refusing to sign a pro-life list pledging to end federal funding for abortions)

“My view is the Supreme Court should reverse Roe v. Wade and send back to the states the responsibility for deciding whether they’re going to have abortion legal in their state or not.” - on the campaign trail

“My position has been clear throughout this campaign. I'm in favor of abortion being legal in the case of rape and incest and the health and life of the mother. “ - on the campaign trail

"There's no legislation with regards to abortion that I'm familiar with that would become part of my agenda."  -Oct 2012

So what does Mitt believe today, November 6th about my lifelong Constitutional right to choose? What will Mitt believe November 7th? How about January 20th when he'd take office if he were to win? Who knows? I can't trust him, and I can't take that chance. I do know that he would do everything in his power to stop funding Planned Parenthood, which would be disastrous for young, poor women who rely on it for a gazillion services (other than abortion) they provide like birth control and cancer screenings for the uninsured. Romney's right hand man, Paul Ryan is not so cryptic in his views concerning women and their health. Just last year he teamed up with Todd “Legitimate Rape Man” Akin to co-sponsor HR 212, the Sanctity of Human Life Act, which states that "human life shall be deemed to begin with fertilization." This bill would've made the IVF process that created Mitt Romney's twin grandsons illegal, which means Thanksgiving has to be awkward for them. And while in Congress, Ryan voted for HR 358, otherwise known as the Let Women Die Act that would allow hospitals to refuse abortions to women even if their life was in danger.

Let me repeat that. Even if their life was in danger!

We're not talking about an abortion of convenience. We're talking about a woman... any woman carrying a pregnancy to term, when something goes horribly wrong and abortion is the last resort to save the life of the mother. Guess what, women? If that happens to you, Paul Ryan doesn't care if you die.

I don't want that maniac a heartbeat away from the presidency! And someone damn sure better keep Eddie Munster away from my lady bits.

I also can't take the chance of Obamacare being repealed, as Romney has promised to do. I am one of those poor people who will finally get affordable health care in 2014. I guess I should be thanking Romney for creating Romneycare for Massachusetts when he was governor, the plan on which Obamacare was designed. But if Mitt has ate his own baby, so to speak, why should I vote for him?

Let's give Obama four more years, and Hilary 8 after that. Let's finish what we started, America.

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