Trump blames Alt Left for Cross Dressed Statues

An angry and mentally battered President Trump condemned the Alt-Left for vandalizing Confederate Statues in several cities overnight, including dressing one up in a pink bra and layered skirt.

“Where’s the fake news now?” tweeted Trump at 5:35 AM Wednesday morning. “Why no reporting on violent vandals dressing heroes up as trannies?” Trump shared a Fox & Friends story about overnight vandalism in Louisiana where unknown suspects garbed a statue of Jefferson Davis in a pink bra and matching skirt. The statue's fingernails on one hand were painted red, white, and blue, indicating that law enforcement interrupted the vandals in the middle of the act. The Fox & Friends story didn’t identify the culprits and so far they are unknown to local authorities but the all white panel did speculate that the vandals may have blended into the darkness as they escaped. And the President, not waiting for all the facts to be released, assumed it was violent protesters of the Alt-Left, coming at Davis, armed with clubs, and without a permit.

Several seemingly coordinated acts of vandalism happened elsewhere in the nation, included someone putting a girdle on Stonewall Jackson in West Virginia, and vandals giving a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest, a Lieutenant General for the Confederacy and also the 1^st Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, a very flamboyant makeover in Alabama. It was first suspected that vandals also attacked the J. Edgar Hoover statue in our nation’s Capitol, but upon closer inspection, his monument was not vandalized, after all. 

When pressed at this afternoon’s press conference, the President said, “Look, whoever it was, it was some bad hombres, or maybe some darkies the cops couldn’t see running away. They can climb pretty good, you know. It’s in their genes from years in the jungle.” After the collective gasp from the press corps, Trump continued, “Nobody wants to say it, but I will say it. That’s just science.”

Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen nearby staring at his shoes.

A White House statement soon followed the press conference, which stated, “The Department of Justice has been instructed to bring to justice whomever cross dressed several sacred monuments nationwide. These vandals will be caught, and will not terrorize this great nation any longer.”

Steve King: Build Border Wall with Food Stamp Recipients and Planned Parenthood Doctors

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) is calling for using food stamp recipients and Planned Parenthood workers to help build President Trump’s southern border wall, the Washington Examiner reported Wednesday. Food stamp recipients would become part of the foundation of the wall, while Planned Parenthood workers, including doctors who provide abortions, would be part of the labor force enslaved to build the wall.

On Tuesday of this week, the House Appropriations Committee inducted a spending bill that helped offset the price of the wall. The bill would allocate nearly $2 billion towards the wall as part of a nearly $14 billion spent for Customs and Border Protection. But that isn’t enough for Rep. King, as he insisted that his idea could save more than $5 billion for Trump’s promised wall.

“I would find half a billion dollars of that straight away by putting the whip to those Planned Parenthood monsters,” he told the Examiner. “And the rest of the savings would be in supplies, because who needs so much concrete and steel when you use those on welfare to hold the wall together? Not only will they stop milking the system, as part of the border wall, they will be productive for the first time in their lives.”

King’s controversial plan has been met with cries of applause from the conservative right, as well as cries of inhumanity from the progressive left.

“Representative King wants to literally bury children and the elderly in a wall to keep out immigrants. Isn’t it enough that his policies are already burying our most vulnerable citizens?” tweeted Bernie Sanders.

King’s office put out the following statement in response to such criticism. “Nothing could be further from the truth. Representative King would never use the elderly and children as part of the wall. It would be much more practical to use healthy, able bodied adults, particularly those with a high body mass index so as to build a taller, stronger wall.”

The plan, if passed by Congress, would surely be signed by President Trump, who already tweeted his support for the bill Thursday morning: “Using welfare moochers and abortion drs (sickos!) to MAGA is so smart Im surprized I didn’t think of it.”

Others, such as Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway, also voiced support for the idea on this morning’s episode of Fox and Friends. “We have an entitlement problem in this country and since these people will not work, this is a great idea of how to make them work for us.”

“As filler?” asked a smiling Steve Doocy.

“In whatever capacity they can fill,” she said.

When pointed out, by Jake Tapper later on in the morning, that the majority of welfare recipients actually have jobs but don’t make a livable wage, Conway added, “Then using them as the foundation of the wall would be opening up so many jobs for Americans who want to work, wouldn’t it?”

She then went on to plug Ivanka’s new line of designer purses.

In describing how he came up with his idea, King explained that food stamps were created to fight malnutrition but that the people who benefit from these programs are usually overweight.

"Now we have a problem of obesity," he explained. "And when you match up the [Electronics Benefits Transfer] card with what the scales say on some of the folks, I think it's worth looking at. [Former first lady]Michelle Obama looked at it.

“Sasquatch’s solution was to eat better and exercise. But she was closing the barn door after the pigs got out. All I’m sayin’ is we’ll never get the pigs back in the barn. So load ‘em up in a wall Jimmy Hoffa style, and let their vices protect the United States of America.”