Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Lights Out on Christmas Decorations

Broken Springs residents have until January 1st to remove all of their outside Christmas decorations, according to a new ordinance passed by the Village Council this Tuesday night. The ordinance, which goes into effect January 2nd gives residents an opportunity to remove potential blight ordinance violations before being cited by blight inspector Daniel Shame.

The new ordinance, which includes inflatable Santas, oversized snow globes, artificial reindeer (with or without red noses) and all Christmas lights, was passed 7-0 after being motioned by Village President Jan Chaddwick, and seconded by Mrs. Chaddwick, Steve, a trustee on the council.

“The Christmas spirit is all about love and kindness, and Christmas decorations symbolize those sentiments, but what Broken Springs residents must realize is that the spirit of love and kindness isn’t intended to extend beyond the Christmas season, especially not here in Broken Springs,” explained Mayor Chaddwick.

Inside sources tell us that Blight Inspector and part time bow hunter Daniel Shame has already compiled a record of potential violators inside the village. He’s making a list (and checking it twice) to find out who intends to be naughty or nice concerning the new rule, and despite his reputation for being a big softie, Daniel Shame insists that he will lay down the law with an iron fist.

“I take my job seriously,” he tells NFBS. “The village council has entrusted me to keep Broken Springs looking as much like St. Joe as possible, without the beach, pier, historical downtown, and nice houses, of course. If I do a good job, Broken Springs will benefit, and so will I because I have a bonus clause in my contract. If conditions improve under my watch, I get a pair of elevator shoes of my choosing.”

The ordinance is expected to come under scrutiny from a group of buttinskis who enjoy running afoul of the law. The perpetually pregnant Bonii Didjaseedat has notified both the Supreme Court and the White House over the violation of her ‘white trash right to leave Christmas lights up year round.’ And she intends to appeal the ordinance at the local level as well.

Ordinance violators wll be fined $25 per light/decoration.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Baby Jesus Recovered

When Dan Fairbanks, pastor at the Village Seventh Day Adventurer Church, checked his congregation’s nativity scene Christmas Eve morning, what he found was the most disturbing image of his life. In the manger belonging to Baby Jesus, instead of Jesus, he found a six pack of Budweiser, three of them emptied.

“Not only had the thieving bastards stolen poor Baby Jesus, but they left beverages of the devil behind in His place,” said Fairbanks soon after the incident.

Fairbanks, who has lived in Broken Springs all of his life, called his good friend and police chief Jim Kingston, to report the missing messiah.

“Dan was a mess,” says Kingston. “I’m not pointing fingers, but by the time I got there, all the cans of beer were empty. We immediately put out an APB on the Baby Jesus. I put all my men on it. I gave Dan my word that Jesus would be back in his manger no later than 1200 hours.”

But the Broken Springs Police, assisted by a group of 20 concerned citizens armed with shotguns and bow and arrows, had no idea where to look for a stolen nativity figure, let alone one so small as a little baby.

One officer thought he found God’s son in the Village Easyware store, but it turns out that he only found an exact replica of the nativity figurine. The only way store manager Darren Gent could prove that his Jesus wasn’t the missing Jesus was by pointing to the $24.95 price tag on Jesus’s bum. Mr. Gent thought of offering his Jesus to the nativity scene if the original wasn’t recovered, but he donated a plastic Santa instead, since he had a surplus of those and unfortunately he was down to his last Baby Jesus.

But the original Jesus was, in fact, recovered, in a pasture north of town, huddled with a nurturing cow, whom residents have dubbed “Mary Moo Moo.” Initially on the scene, several policemen faced udder confusion on just how the cow ended up with the sacred baby.

The farmer at the residence had no idea how Baby Jesus landed with his cows, but Chief Kingston suspects that He was probably lofted from a car window as the intoxicated thieves drove by. He added that the six pack of Budweiser was being tested for fingerprints, and that the Jesus Thieves would not escape justice.

On Christmas morning, the recovered Messiah was returned to the Village SDA Church in an elaborate ceremony that also celebrated His birth. As the choir sang “Joy to the World,” the Baby Jesus was rightfully returned to His manger.

But what’s to prevent the Baby Jesus from being stolen again, many BS residents wondered.

Chief Kingston shook off all doubt. “As long as I’m Police Chief, the Baby Jesus will never be stolen again,” he said.

“How can you be so sure?’ we asked.

The Chief answered, “Because we’ve nailed Him down!”

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through Broken Springs
We were waiting for the goodies that Jim always brings.

The night air was foggy but the weather was fair,
We expected our gifts from Christmas Care Bear.

While waiting we nestled, right next to the fire
Our temperatures were rising, higher and higher.

Erlene in her teddy, and I in the buff,
On the way to the bedroom I chased after her muff.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my stiffy and poor Erlie went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Opened the shade while she played with herself.

When what should appear from out of the fog
But a rusty old squad car pulled by a police dog.

With a lanky little driver with a foot made of lead
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

“He’s here,” I announced as I put on some clothes.
Erline’s spread on the pillow, striking a pose.

“Make yourself decent,” I told her outright
“He only delivers that on Saturday night.”

Clipping the lamp post, which was already dim
Our visitor was none other than Jolly Ole Jim.

He slid past the fence, the tree got a rub,
Jim leaned out and puked in the hot tub.

From near the fire hydrant we heard such a clatter,
K9 Durango now emptied his bladder.

In case it wasn’t Jim, I gave my shotgun a pump
When down the chimney he came with a thump.

His uniform stank awful with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said petting his pup,
"The dog‘s quite pooped and I‘m all drunked up."

He walked to the kitchen and poured a stiff drink,
Then whipped out his nightstick and peed in the sink.

I started to chuckle, my wife smiled with glee,
Jolly Ole Jim was hung down to his knee.

Three Beam and Cokes later, Jim combed his gray hair,
Slurred out that he came for Christmas Care Bear.

Back in the den, Jim reached in his sack,
The kids toys were gone, but some new things were

The first thing he found was a pair of false titties,
The next was a toy to scratch itching kitties.

A box filled with condoms was Jimbo’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a pecker extension,
And several other things we can’t even mention.

Hand cuffs, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

He unpacked the toys and said with a tear,
“I’m afraid we’re all out of pretzels and beer.”

“That’s quite all right,” said the wifey and me.
“I’ll take the rubbers and she’ll take the weenie.”

He filled our two stockings and then started to leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

We gave Jolly Ole Jim our heartfelt thanks
And told him not to cash any checks in the banks.

He sprang to his squad car, but his feet were like lead,
So he fell on his bum and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, adjusted his mirror,
Saying, "Take me home Durango, and watch for the deer!"

The car was almost gone when we heard Jimbo shout,
"The best thing about charity is that it never runs out!"

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Kingston’s Charity Climaxes

Despite local criticism and a state police investigation into shoddy bookkeeping practices, Police Chief Jim Kingston’s local charity, Christmas Care Bear has had a record year in donations.

Operation Christmas Care Bear had come under attack from local buttinskis claiming that Kingston was pocketing cash donations and using the money to finance his gambling and hooker addictions. But an investigation into the matter found no wrongdoing by Kingston since no ledger turned over to the state police had any mention of any such gambling or hooker deductions. Once word passed that Kingston was an honest man after all, Christmas Care Bear donations tripled, according to the Broken Springs Chamber of Commerce President, Scott Mormon.

“In fact, we’ve had people specifically request Kingston pick up their donations personally, particularly women, just after their husbands leave for work,” says Mormon. “We’ve had so many requests like this, Chief Kingston is now planning his schedule around these visits, making sure, of course, that he’s out of uniform when performing his charitable duties.”

Mormon is referring to the recent statute passed by the Police Commission requiring Christmas Care Bear to be completely separated from the Broken Springs Police Department. If Kingston was accepting donations while in uniform, it would be a violation of this statute. To be sure, we at NFBS questioned one woman whose donation was quite large, as it took three and a half hours of the Chief’s time to accept her goodwill as we sat across the street to witness the transaction. Once he pulled out of her driveway, walking a bit funny and looking flustered, we knocked on her door for several minutes before she answered. She dragged herself to the door with messy hair and smeared lipstick, then invited us in for coffee.

Ms. Jackson answered our questions on the condition that she remain anonymous. When asked if Chief Kingston was in uniform when he accepted her donation, she said with authority, “He was most definitely NOT in his uniform.” So it appears that Kingston is following the rules after all.

So far the charity’s largest individual donation has come from the hands of a local satirist, who donated $495 worth of toys to the cause. Unfortunately she interpreted Christmas Care Bear’s call for ‘any and all toys’ to include sex toys, and as a result, 31 vibrators, 22 butt plugs, 10 leather whips, and two sets of anal beads were returned to her. Kingston kept the set of lined handcuffs, however, for his own personal use, which we can only guess he’ll use on some young harlot in Broken Springs’s red-light district as she assumes the position.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Potent and Impotent

A big shout out to Sharon Alexander for her recent free advertising in the Herald Republican’s Letters to the Editor. For those who might’ve missed it, Ms. Alexander was referring to Troublemaker Boob’s BSU Reader Blog, but since she called it “satirical garbage,” “atrocious,” “blatant and shameful,” and “a slap in the face to the men who serve this community,” we think she meant us as well. Oh, we almost forgot “obscene,” which reminds me… where’d I put those naked pictures of Jim Kingston?

Locals will have no doubt heard about the cougar on the loose in Broken Springs. There have been many sightings already. Just yesterday a flesh eating beast was seen entering the police station on all fours, carrying a badge and gun. But that turned out to be a false alarm. The cougar, they say, doesn’t have so much hair on his back.

Residents are advised to shoot on sight any trespassing dangerous animal snooping around their livestock, unless of course it’s Daniel Shame inspecting a blight ordinance violation.

After waiting all year to get here, Winter has finally arrived in Broken Springs. He’s brought with him his gay lover, Snow. Snow loves to be blown by older men in their driveways, day in and day out. Snow also has this tendency to land in a big pile across from the post office, hindering one’s ability to see down Main street. Be advised. Snow is planning to stay in Broken Springs, along with his butt buddy Winter, until early next Spring.

Thank you, Broken Springs Cop (you know who you are) who called this site “funny.” Your sense of humor is greatly appreciated and if you ever have any ideas for articles, don’t hesitate to send them along. Don’t worry. I won’t tell the Chief if you don’t.

And now for a Christmas themed joke sent in by another of our regular readers:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter told him, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

Until next time, downward and sideways!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Kingston crusaders should give up free speech


Barbara KaLay’s recent letter to the editor about Broken Springs Chief Jim Kingston, which criticized his handling of the Christmas Care Bear charity and donations for the inevitable Tasers, was so much of a disgrace, I vomited a little in my mouth when I read it. Doesn’t she read all the letters to the editor that declare Kingston the next Lord and Savior?

If a citizen were accused, investigated, and cleared because nothing can be proven against them due to poor record keeping, the police would be chastised if they continue to harass an innocent person. Doesn’t Chief Kingston deserve the same respect of his citizens? Shouldn’t they stop trying to nail him to the cross every time he jaywalks? Why do KaLay and others continue to dwell on issues that have been swept under the rug so effectively?

Moreover, KaLay preaches from her pulpit that residents would be at all interested in hearing what she and others like her have to say. She encourages residents to follow all the scandals on a website called the Underground Reader Blog, which is a blatantly shameful website that actually spouts off devilish commentary on our sacred police department. No one should have the right to write and/or read such shameful garbage, even if we do live in America. There ought to be limits to freedom, just like our beloved President says.

This is not news. It’s a slap in the face to the men who protect and serve our community. The author(s) of these writings will drape themselves in the first amendment, but just because they have the freedom of speech doesn’t give them the freedom to be meanies.

Our officers put their lives and waistlines on the line from heinous criminals and jelly doughnuts. Just this week, a person was recklessly shooting a semi automatic weapon out of his car window while toking on a joint on his way to the elementary school playground where he planned to sell our youngsters three liters of crack cocaine. Luckily he was in a near fatal accident near Banana Valley when an Indonesian driver pulled out in front of him. Our officers had the responsibility of responding to the rescue of this individual, administering CPR while performing the Heimlich Maneuver (he swallowed his joint), after implementing the Jaws of Life to remove him from his vehicle, which moments later exploded into a billion pieces.

KaLay should be ashamed for advocating the freedom of speech on this and other obscene, satirical websites that maliciously ridicule and embarrass the Chief and his servants. I hereby call for the boycott of all atrocious, obscene, unfunny, offensive, bashing, shameful, satirical, insulting, embarrassing, and juvenile expressions of opinion on websites.

Perhaps KaLay’s time would be better spent doing charity work or fundraising, perhaps for Operation Christmas Care Bear or some other very worthwhile cause, instead of promoting the very dangerous, radical idea that anyone ought to be able to express themselves freely and without consequence.

Sharon Alexander

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

It’s an Honor to Honor the Honorable Chief Kingston

Dear Editor,

I was thrilled as a pig in poop to read the article about the Broken Springs Opportunists naming the Police Chief “Servile of the Century.” There are still a few half witted people in Broken Springs who appreciate everything Chief Kingston has done for us, from illegally cashing Taser checks, to using the illegal Bionic Ear, not including the use of that wonderful N word in a public restaurant, and let’s not forget his failure to register Operation Christmas Care Bear with the State of Michigan, as is required by law. He has earned this award and more. I recommend we all go out and buy him twenty dollars worth of scratch off tickets.

I have known Chief Kingston since my days working the street corner at Slugs Drugs (1985-1992) and there was nothing he would not do to you.

Paragraph five of the Opportunist’s declaration declares that Chief Kingston “is truly, honestly, genuinely, absolutely no doubt about it in the word an outstanding specimen of a human being, later to be studied in labs by scientists in search of the perfect man. We are proud to say that we know him intimately and hold him in the highest regard, because he’s a homegrown boy made good, keeping out the outsiders, with the help of his insiders.”

That honor is very well deserved, and it is an honor to honor the Chief, who so honorably protects our honorable community, or at least the honorable people who honor him.

Very honorably yours,
Noel Schmiter

Monday, December 12, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

Apparently it’s Casual Monday. Everyone’s wearing long johns and sweatshirts.

The crowd and the Commission are both early, except for Bonii Didyaseedat, who’s always late, and will probably be late to her own funeral, if the Chief has anything to say about it.

Chairman Hildecrust comments that the clocks, like his fellow commissioners, are slow, and he calls the meeting to order at the official time of 6:58 P.M.

Mayor Jan Chaddwick makes a motion to accept the minutes of the last meeting before anyone has time to read them, before I’m even done writing this down.

Our cops ran up $62,000 in bills this month. Times are tough all over. Heating, gas, and hookers have all raised their prices in this frigid temperature. But vehicle expenses have been low, according to the Chief. Did I say hookers before? I meant the electric company.

In old business, a woman was hired to work part time for $8 an hour on the weekends at the police station. The application of Yours Truly was dutifully ignored, but the other girl is probably better qualified. I can type 60 wpm and do data entry, but her boobs are probably bigger than mine.

In new business (which is really just the same old business repeated), Kingston makes a request for loads of money, for an assortment of things, most notably a new squad car to replace the old green beater he hauls around town. Jim proposes getting a new one pronto because after the first of the year, the price will go up on a new Chevy Impala. As it is now, with the Police Commission’s blessing, he could get one for $17,764. He crosses his fingers and waits for their approval, which used to be a sure thing.

But Ernie repeats his “three car mantra,” which, for your recollection, goes something like this:
“We should get back down to three cars because that’s what we started with. It would be a good way to save money we so desperately need for all the other things you’re requesting at the last minute of this fiscal year.”

Curly Headed Sandy says we should get the car anyway.

Phil Ruse is opposed to spending the extra money.

Kingston regroups, shakes off the disapproval. He is down in the count 0-2 but is confident that he can still put his bat on the ball, but only if he pulls out the big guns. He mentions officer safety and how a new car is necessary to keep our loyal, hardworking, underappreciated, devoted officers out of harms way.

The Commission is unusually silent, totaling a period of about three seconds, before Hildecrust says, “Even with three cars, the officers will be safe.” Chalk it up to a strikeout swinging. The commission agrees that they should come back to the issue after discussing the second request.

We also need loads of money to replace the computer system and internet server in the police station, because in the last month, our server blew up to the extent that the fire department had to come out to extinguish the flames. There is also a need for an update of software, not CLUE but TIPS. The state is changing their requirements and need local reports to be sent in daily. Also, the station needs to break into the 20th Century and get broadband internet service, dropping quantum because the latter is too slow and expensive. DSL is the way to go, especially since the department has an extra burden of checking all those anti-Kingston blogs that keep popping up. DSL will cost the department $164.95 a month, according to their quotes.

At this time, the sit in attorney (Attorney Amnesia is absent) can be heard cracking open a can of Michelob Light. That is the most noise he makes all night, except for in the secret meeting later.

Apparently the computer system upgrade will not cost us all that much because we’ve conveniently found about $16-17,000 underneath the couch cushions in the lounge. Oh, and we cashed in our Speedy Reward points.

Bob Frugal asks if we’re thinking about getting laptops for the officers to carry in their cars. Kingston said it is a dream of theirs. Oh, I bet it is. The thought of surfing and is just too much of a fantasy right now for some of them.

The Commission, unusually unwilling to spend even a dime this month, asks for two more bids to consider before okaying the request.

This month, Broken Springs was a graveyard for stolen vehicles. We had three end up in our area, for some reason. Perhaps while driving through Broken Springs, a car thief suddenly has a change of heart and dumps his loot. Or maybe they start reading the local papers and get so caught up in all the archery, charity, and taser funds stories, they forget entirely that they’ve stolen a car and are traveling through the town. Either way, we end up with all these found on the road, dead cars and then they end up in our own Vehicular Graveyard, better known as the backyard of the Public Safety Building, until they’re eventually blown up or welded apart by our volunteer firefighters practicing using the jaws of life.

These dangerous cars reflects the criminal activity that Kingston and his boys must protect us from, however. The Chief takes this opportunity to make it known to the commission and audience members that the presence of three stolen vehicles is proof positive that crime is on the rise.

So beware, all you car thieves out there. You may not catch you, but we will definitely catch your stolen cars!

Next begins a discussion about how Mort Allgay has requested a day off after his anniversary. I’m still unclear whether his anniversary is his actual matrimonial anniversary or the time that he signed a contract with the department. If it’s the latter, I think he not only deserves a day off, but a little TLC as well. Maybe a foot massage. Maybe even a little fellatio to show our appreciation, if he’s been very very good. Would it be so hard for the commissioners to give him at least this much? They supply Kingston a lifetime worth of it, in a matter of speaking. But for a lowly copper like Allgay, they were not biting, or blowing, or anything other than shooting it down before he could even, metaphorically, unzip his pants.

Kingston, resilient as ever, insists that Mort isn’t asking to take a personal day, just a day to do what he loves doing, with children, boy scouts no less. In other words, Kingston goes to bat for Allgay, despite the fact that Allgay wants his job, at least according to a NFBS informant known only as White Throat.

But Ernie’s fastball is too quick for Kingston to get around on. He says that the commission shouldn’t break the contract because what you do for one, you’ll have to do for all. Phil Ruse asks Kingston if he brought Allgay’s written request, but Kingston said it was on his desk next to various Taser money donations. Ernie, who hates to be a stickler, has his second strikeout of the evening, as the request dies for lack of support.

Possibly related to this outcome, Jim Kingston turns redder than Chief Sitting Bull after he’s stayed out in the sun too long. If you look closely, you can see wisps of smoke billowing out of his nostrils.

This year’s audit will be cheaper than last year. The commission votes to pay someone four thousand dollars not find anything wrong with Operation Christmas Care Bear.

In the strangest move of the evening, the budget passes 4-1, with the one opposing vote being Curly Headed Sandy, who - for the first time in the history of Broken Springs - voted differently than Jan Chaddwick. It’s unclear whether or not Sandy is quite feeling herself, or was mad that Jan didn’t bring up a vote on Allgay’s vacation day.

In the anticlimactic ending to the meeting, Commission Chairman Hildecrust informs his fellow commissioners that he is calling a special closed session meeting to discuss the problems with the Chief over the last year. It’s a closed session meeting, obviously, because they don’t want pesky local bloggers offering their own commentary on the many potential embarrassing things that may or may not be said. Unfortunately Curly Headed Sandy, who is still fuming about who knows what exactly, cannot make the meeting on December 16th, but she assures Ernie that she’ll do what she can to be there anyway. That’s dedication, folks.

The meeting was adjourned at 7:45, with a “Merry Christmas” from the Commission, who blatantly ignored the Jewish audience members altogether.

Well, NFBS would like to now apologize to all the Jews for the Commission’s rude behavior and extend a “Happy Holidays” to everyone for whatever crazy holiday you all celebrate. There will of course be other entries before Christmas, many Christmas themed, hopefully. But consider this an early greeting, like those Salvation Army people give at Walmart, only I don’t want your money.

Meeting postscript:
There was a meeting after the meeting in the small little room in the corner of the Township building. It lasted for an hour and was - as far as this reporter could tell - consisting of Chaddwick, Hildecrust, and the sit in lawyer. But of course, there’s always the possibility that they were just all playing Scrabble.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Truth is Funnier than Fiction

SAN FRANCISCO-A parody video that features uniformed and plainclothes San Francisco police officers and racist and sexist stereotypes has led to the suspension of at least 20 police. Police Chief Heather Fong called the videos “egregious, shameful and despicable.”

She forgot to mention funny. Then again, so few official types possess a sense of humor.

"This is a dark day - an extremely dark day - in the history of the San Francisco Police Department, for me as a chief to have to stand here and share with you such egregious, shameful and despicable acts by members of the San Francisco Police Department," Police Chief Heather Fong told reporters.

I, like Police Chief Heather Fong, possess a vagina and rounded boobies (I’m assuming), but why is it that females in particular are always so offended, so livid at obvious attempts of satire? Yes, Lieutenant Labia, it’s politically incorrect. That’s what makes it funny. I know that San Francisco is supposed to be the most liberal city in America, but since when don't liberals like the freedom of speech? There's a reason it's the first amendment.

Click here for the full story and here to see the actual video for yourself. Here is another clip of the video, and this is a very in depth report, including footage of the true clowns at press conferences.

This would be like if the Broken Springs authorities tried to shut down this satire site, but I’m in no way comparing these crazy ramblings to the authentic social commentary depicted in the San Fran Policeman’s videos. And for those of you who say it can’t happen here…

Oddly enough, this story comes on an anniversary of sorts. Two years ago today was “You have the right to remain silent” and “Are you proud that you shave down there?” It happened right here in our quaint little town.

To any Broken Springs officer who may or may not be reading…
If you make a video parodying your city and co-workers, I will put it online free of charge. And I’ll give you a big hug. And a kiss… on the cheek.

No, not that cheek.

Proving that December 8th is just a pay dirt sort of day, this story comes out of Hamtramck, Michigan…

A police officer has been charged with using a Taser on his partner during an argument over whether they should stop for a soft drink.

I said pull over now, darn it, I’m craving a Dr. Pepper.

I sure do hope the writers of Reno 911 are paying attention.


Oh, stop the madness. Shallow Throat cannot possibly keep up!

In FRANKLIN, Ohio, A 68-year-old woman was hit with a Taser gun by police five sadistic times, and the whole thing was caught on tape.

Grandma, step away from the hair curlers!

Just in case you haven't had your fill of taser videos, there is a video of the 68 year old menace to society in the right hand margin.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

In Defense of Jim Kingston

Dear Editor:

For several months now I have watched that bilious buffoon Troublemaker Bob and his bumptious band of buttinskis attempt to sully the good name of my dear friend, our beloved local police chief Jim Kingston. My frustration level has increased steadily week by week as I patiently waited for Jim to refute the scurrilous charges that have been shamelessly leveled against him by those nattering ninnies of negativity.

On more than one occasion I have strongly urged Jim to vigorously defend himself. However, Jim believes that if he responded directly to these baseless accusations, it would accomplish nothing. In Jim's opinion, his accusers are not interested in the truth, they are only looking for any scrap of so-called "evidence" to pillory him with, so anything he said would be twisted out of context in an attempt to indict him. Furthermore, Jim is not only a decent, good looking, compassionate, God-fearing family man: he is also a very modest man. Accordingly, Jim is concerned that if he disclosed all of the exculpatory facts, some people might interpret this as engaging in self-promotion. That is silly, because anyone who knows Jim like I do knows that self-promotion is something he would never ever do.

Unfortunately, Jim's mind is made up: he is not going to dignify the baseless accusations leveled by Troublemaker Bob and his group of unprincipled utopians by responding to them. As a result, I have taken it upon myself to set the record straight. Together, we can focus the unblinking eye of reality on the baseless accusations that have been lodged against Jim, and prove that Jim hasn't actually done anything wrong.

First, there is the overblown check-cashing incident. Yes, Jim cashed the checks made out to the local Police Department, and yes, he took the money and kept it on his desk. However, there is nothing remotely underhanded about his actions: that money rightfully belonged to Jim. You see, when Jim began advocating acquiring Tasers for his department, he just assumed that the Police Commission would give him everything he asked for, just like they have always done. Accordingly, Jim went out and purchased Tasers for the department with his own money, intending to get reimbursed for it later from the contributions he was soliciting. That is why Jim cashed the checks and kept the money on his desk: he correctly considered that money to be a reimbursement of his previous personal expenditures on behalf of his department (that also explains why his mother-in-law referred to the checks as "personal funds"). However, the Police Commission inexplicably did not approve the use of Tasers by our local police. As a result, Jim was caught in a bind: he could save his own reputation by explaining how the Police Commission had failed to accord him the respect he has earned through his years of selfless service by deferring to his judgment that Tasers were needed, or he could avoid disparaging the Police Commission and allow the shadow of suspicion to fall on him. As usual, Jim put the feelings of others ahead of his own, and stoically accepted the unwarranted barbs that were hurled at him. Of course, the real tragedy is that Jim had intended to use the money from those checks for Christmas Care Bear, but now, thanks to Troublemaker Bob, there will be a little less joy in some local homes this holiday season. At least the Tasers Jim purchased haven't gone to waste: he has generously donated those to the Village of Broken Springs for use by their Code Enforcement officer.

Second, Troublemaker Bob has vociferously criticized Jim Kingston for his use of a "Bionic Ear" listening device. If Jim had actually used such a device to spy on members of our community, I would be in whole-hearted agreement with Troublemaker Bob on this issue. However, once again, Troublemaker Bob has taken an innocent activity and twisted it into something seemingly sinister. The facts of the situation are simple enough, although slightly embarassing. A few years ago, Jim made a terrible mistake. In a moment of near weakness, he almost succumbed to the temptations of the flesh, and engaged in a very brief incident in which he lusted after a woman not his own. The matter would have ended with the affair of the heart, except for an unfortunate twist: Jim's paramour decided that she needed to fully confess her own lust for Jim in order to move on with her life. This was a matter of grave concern to Jim, because he believed that while he was almost in flagrante delicto, he may have inadvertently disclosed the name of a confidential police informant. Deeply concerned for the safety of that informant, Jim did use an electronic eavesdropping device to monitor his ex-partner's confession, despite his extreme reluctance to violate the sanctity of the sacerdotal relationship, so that he could take the proper measures to ensure his informant's safety if that person's identity had been compromised. This was the only time Jim ever used such a device, and as always, Jim was motivated by a deep concern for the welfare of others. Furthermore, Jim has repeatedly assured me that he has no intention of ever using an electronic eavesdropping device again, so I'm certain you'll all agree with me that this is a non-issue.

A third area in which Troublemaker Bob has tried to create a mountain out of the proverbial molehill is Jim's use of the n word that rhymes with Tigger. It is true that Jim has used this word, on more than one occasion, usually repeatedly while in traffic on Friday nights. However, this in no way indicates that Jim has a prejudicial bone in his body. The truth is, Jim has fallen under the sway of the world of hip-hop music. It began innocently enough a few years back, when Jim was searching for ways to "connect" with the young people. As part of that effort to connect, Jim started listening to popular music. He began innocently enough: MC Hammer, Young MC, Vanilla Ice. However, it wasn't long before he had moved on to the hard stuff: Run DMC, Ice-T, Public Enemy, NWA, Biggie, Tupac, Snoop Dogg and Jim's all-time favorite, Eminem can be heard blaring out of the speakers of his squad car on any given day. Of course, as a result of the thousands of hours Jim has spent listening to this art form, he has subconsciously adopted the vernacular of the idiom. Predictably enough, this has resulted in Jim's vocabulary being liberally salted with terms such as "nigra", "biatch" and "ho" (Jim has also taken to referring to himself as "the real Slim Shady" and an "OG", whatever that means). However, as anyone can plainly see, Jim's frequent use of these words does not reflect an attempt to disparage black people; rather, it springs from Jim's deep-seated love of black culture and its offspring, hip-hop. As Jim himself would say, “Know what I’m sayin', dawg?”

Another item that Troublemaker Bob has been trumpeting lately involves Jim's handling of the funds for his Christmas Care Bear charity. Once again, the facts clearly exonerate Jim. To understand Jim's bookkeeping/banking practices, a little background is necessary. Jim's mentor was the late Onoyoko Township Treasurer David Loud. Jim was deeply influenced by Dave's advice (many times I've heard Jim say "it came straight from the Loud mouth" when explaining why he took a certain course of action). David Loud had an unnatural fear of banks: he was convinced that you were risking losing any funds that you deposited in one (Dave minimized this risk by splitting his deposits among several banks - the Township had deposits in banks all over the state). Clearly, the most significant thing Jim learned from David Loud was that banks, like sidewalk supervisors, were not to be trusted. So it was only natural that Jim would be reluctant to deposit the precious Christmas Care Bear funds in an unsafe and uncaring Bank. Then like a flash, the answer came to Jim: keep the money in the trunk of his patrol car! After all, where would those funds be any safer than in the trunk of an armed police officer's car? So yes, Jim did drive around with thousands of dollars in the trunk of his car, but only because he wanted to ensure that every penny of that money went to where Jim felt it would do the most good.

Finally, Troublemaker Bob has made a meal out of Jim's handling of the so-called "Daniel Shame Archery Incident": or, more specifically, out of Jim's failure to release the video tapes showing exactly what Officer Shame was doing during the period of time in question. This represents yet another instance of Jim allowing himself to be criticized rather than subject another person to ridicule. In this case, it is true that Daniel Shame was engaged in archery practice in a neighboring township while he was on duty, but he was doing so at Jim's request. Jim was concerned that during the upcoming hunting season, another rampant buck would terrorize our community in a manner similar to the incident that occurred last year. At the same time, Jim was mindful of the danger to the public posed by stray bullets if, during the heat of battle, our brave officers were forced to gun down another vicious beast. In a moment of inspiration, Jim came up with a solution: he would form an archery detail in the department. That way, the officers would have sufficient firepower to stop rampaging animals, without serious risk of collateral damage. Daniel Shame volunteered for the archery detail, and on the day in question, he was participating in a training exercise to test the viability of Jim's idea. Unfortunately, the experiment was not a stunning success: it turned out that Officer Shame couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with his bow and arrow, and that fact was clearly captured on the videotape. Rather than release the tape, and expose Officer Shame to ridicule for his pathetic skills as an archer, Jim took what by now I am sure you realize is a familiar course of action, and protected his underling. However, as a result, Troublemaker Bob has been able to try to make it appear as if Jim is hiding something sinister from the public. As you can see, that just isn't the case.

I apologize for the length of this letter, but I believe that the truth needs to be told. For too long, that baron of balderdash Troublemaker Bob has been allowed to spout an unchallenged cacophonous chorus of calumny aimed at Jim Kingston. Most decent folks in this community recognize and appreciate Jim's tireless efforts to serve everyone in our community. He has dedicated himself to seeing that the needs of the less fortunate are filled (for example, many a single mother in our community can attest to the fact that Jim has made a big difference in her life). Jim should be lauded, not criticized, for his efforts on our behalf. Enough is enough! Let's all show our support for a true hero by telling that punctilious pontificator of piffle Troublemaker Bob that we don't want to hear anymore of his shameful and baseless accusations.


Charles "Maury" Knobbe
Broken Springs Opportunists