Monday, February 27, 2006

NFBS's Crime of the Week

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Chocolate Thunda was the case they gave me!

This week's crime of the week comes from the files of the Broken County Department of Records. At approximately 3:22 PM on Friday, December 16, 2005, a relatively unknown author by the name of Sore Throat (a.k.a. White Throat, Cut Throat, and Scratchy Throat) posted a message on a relatively unknown web site called the Broken Springs Straight Shooter.

In this Internet posting, the author accuses several news sources of ineptitude due to their inability to deliver a news story. After an investigation of the web address in question, it appears the author of this and only five other Internet postings on the web address in question, is guilty of the same crime, that is the failure to deliver news stories in a timely basis. A review of the postings reveals that the author suffers from long windedness and an addiction to the interview process. In the last posting marked Wednesday, February 1, 2005, the shady “Throat” asserts that Chief Kingston has signed a book deal, a preposterous allegation because everyone knows that the Chief‘s local public education disqualifies him from literacy.

Crime Starters is seeking the person or persons conspiring, authoring, and posting entries on the "Broken Springs Straight Shooter" blog site for failure to satirically profit from the local political times in Broken Springs. Anyone with information on this Pseudo Throat and the blog site in question is asked to sign the guest book of the "News from Broken Springs" blog site. As always, you will be given a free doughnut and we won't misspell your name!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Chief Kingston's Doughnut Testers to Assist the President

By: Chocolate Thunda baby! Shaken, Not Stirred!

In an unexpected move, the Mistawalka Police Department has decided that they will not assist the United States Manly Secretion Service in protecting the president when he arrives on Thursday in this area. MPD officers stated in a release, “Due to the tight budget this fiscal year, it would be unfair to expect the city to pay overtime to officers for something that the federal government should already be able to handle.” They also added that the reason the budget is so tight is because of the President’s tax cuts to the superrich, which has strapped the state of Indiana for much of their needed revenue.

It’s much the same story north of the border in Michigan, where police departments struggle to stay under budget and fund mandatory expensive electric surveillance programs under orders from Homeland Security. In Broken Springs, where a millage renewal will come to a vote later this year, reserve officers attending the Police Academy cannot even afford schooling without help from the taxpayers. Despite these financial hardships, all Broken Springs police officers and village employees recently received 3% pay raises. And nearly all of them have jumped at the opportunity to assist our able President.

Just as guaranteed as my tomorrow morning bowel movement, those who crawl up the thin blue line that separates corruption from money laundering in Broken Springs have offered to replace Mistawalka’s police absence. Also known as the Doughnut Testers of America, Chapter 3901, Broken Springs Police Department has volunteered to glad-hand with the Commander-in-Chief. The most powdered and powerful of the department, Chief King-Ding-a-Ling himself, made the following statement about the assignment with the US Manly Secretion Service. "I feel that our over-vacationed, over-eatin‘, under-worked department has a real chance to shine and prove to all the Troublemakers, Shallows, and Supervisors out there that we‘re good at something other than eating doughnuts and Subweigh Sandwiches." The chief continued, "With the opportunity to get more money for the department, we can get more items that we want but don't need like tas... er I mean manuals on proper race relations. Once we figure out how to use the tas.. er I mean Electrical Correctional Equipment, the troublemakers of this fine Village/Metropolis will learn to submit to my every whim!" He then laughed evilly.

As if that wasn't enough, Sheriff Paul Bunion then walked in and pushed Chief Eats-a-Glazed away from the mic. Putting one arm to the forehead of Kingston while the Chief violently swung for all his worth, Broken County’s Bottom Feeder pipes up. "On behalf of the Broken County Sheriff's Department also known as Doughnut Testers of America, Regional Chapter 54, I accept your nomination for the seat of head jelly fil...umm… oh crap...wrong moment here, it has got to be somewhere. Jimmay, What did you do with daddy's speech? Oh, here it is, here we go. OK, on behalf of the Broken County Sheriff's Department, we also would like to extend our support to the United States Manly Secretion Service because those commie Mistawalka City Police pansies will not show up on Thursday. The benefits of being able to balance my nine million dollar budget and have some left over to purchase the retard helmets I need would do wonders for the department. I believe that once you see what small town police communities can do, the people will have no choice but to elect me to another four years and Jimmay and I can continue the hunt down those Red Troublemakers at no extra expense to the taxpayer."

There was some more yapping of the jaw as Jimmay and Boss Hawg insisted that there is no crime in Broken County, thanks to them. Meanwhile, someone in the press corps, (assumedly from the Herald Pollution) jumped up with the news that their wallet was missing. So while Chief Kingston took a description of the wallet and scribbled down the poor sap’s soon to be maxed out credit card numbers, Sheriff Bunion babbled on and I fell into an alcohol induced coma. When I woke up, Bubba was hugging me saying, "You got such a pretty mouth!"

Oh Crap! Did Jimmay deputize me as the one and only Chocolate Thunda? Did I drink just a little too much at the Broken Springs Watering Whore and pass out at the Press Conference? Will Jimmay get his...Taz...ers? Will I stop trying to freak you, the reader, out with possible bad endings? Well, one thing’s for sure! I need to stop because this call to Shallow Throat is costing her nine dollars and twenty cents a minute. Until I get bonded, don't drop the soap!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Brokeback Springs Chapter Two

Continued from Chapter One
The criminal suspects who lived out at Brokeback Springs had vehicles entering and exiting their premises day in and day out. Shane Del Mar and Jimmy Twist worked twelve hour shifts surveying the driveway, armed with a pair of dirty binoculars and a notebook and pencil with which to record license plate numbers and car models. A week into their month long stakeout, they cut their shifts to daylight hours only, since they never could see anything in the dark anyway. The other half of the day they spent sleeping, eating, drinking, and dancing.

At first they only danced with the horses, and only after they’d drank too much tequila. Jimmy would sing a little and Shane would play his harmonica, but Shane wasn’t particularly skilled at blowing on organs, so Jimmy would often rip the harmonica away from Shane and teasingly threaten to pitch it into the fire. The younger cop would always get his instrument back, however, on the condition that he wouldn’t lay a lip on it.

Instead, he laid his lips elsewhere. Around the butts of Marlbaro Red Full Flavors. On spoonfuls of baked beans cooked over the open flame. On the aluminum cans of PBR, “a man’s beer,” as Jimmy called it. He even once laid his lips on Jimmy Twist’s cheek after Jimmy told him the story of a dog he had as a child. As he recounted how the pup had chased a squirrel into the road, only to be run over by a lime colored Volkswagon, a slow tear crept down Jimmy’s face. In a moment of brotherly compassion, Shane wiped that tear away and gave his friend and colleague a warm, soft kiss on the cheek. Neither one thought it was gay because it wasn’t. Well, maybe it was a little. But they were both drunk and a bit too stoned to think about it. To them it seemed natural as they both covered their swelling genitalia.

To be continued...

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Cheney and Shame Go Bird Hunting

Forced to take his vacation days before they expired, Broken Springs officer and local teen heartthrob Daniel Shame recently traveled to a Texas ranch to bird hunt with the Vice President.

“I met Dick at Floppers Family Restaurant last year when he was campaigning,” explained Shame. “He saw my NRA tattoo and asked me if I hunt. ‘Only when I drink,’ I told him. ‘When is that?’ he asked and I said, ‘every chance I get.’ He laughed. Right away I knew he was a down to earth guy.”

So down to earth, in fact, that Cheney invited Shame hunting on the spot, arranged for a first class airplane ticket to be set up in his name, and a Texas endorsed hunting license lacking the required bird stamp.

“It was classy,” explained the blight ordinance officer. “The nuts on the plane had shells and everything. They picked me up in a limo at the airport. Actually, we never left the limo, not even to pee. Well Harry did but he was the only one. Guess he thought he was too good for the Folger’s can. When we hunted, the limo driver drove us right into the woods. That’s class. Rich people shore do know how to hunt.”

When asked if he witnessed the accidental shooting of Harry Whittington, Shame only shrugged. “The windows were tinted. I didn’t see nothing. But that old geezer shore did earn his purple heart, as I hear it. Too bad too, cuz he was only taking a whiz, on account of all the beer he‘d drunk.”

When asked if he was paid thousands of dollars by the Administration to keep quiet, Shame shrugged again and said, “You think I could’ve got more?”

And when asked the question on everyone‘s mind: Was Cheney drinking during the accident? Shame admitted that he had a cold one with the V.P. “Just that one, but we made it last.”

“Must’ve been sipping that beer pretty slowly, then?” we deduced.

“Nah, not really,” said Shame. “It was a keg. Killian’s Red. Very classy.”

Shame granted our interview on the condition that we print a picture of the bird he bagged on the trip. That explains why we haven’t seen any Aflac commercials lately.

“Unfortunately I didn’t shoot any lawyers,” added Shame to end the interview.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

NFBS's Crime of the Week

Chocolate Thunda reporting...

Hello, My name is Agent Tuesday, of the Broken County Vice Squad, and this week's crime of the week comes from the files of the Broken Springs Police Department. On the afternoon of Tuesday, January 12, 2006 at approximately four PM several females from the relatively unknown FOJ gang and several members of a rouge group who call themselves the "Troublemakers" were recorded participating in a dangerous streetfight that maimed four pedestrians and crippled several nosy gossipers.

Members of the FOJs have recently stated that they were called to the rumble by one Chief Kingston of the Broken Springs Police Department, for support and peep shows throughout the evening for his entertainment as he served a "suspension" from the traffic light in town. Once they arrived on the scene in their FOJ gang attire (matching black lace Victoria's Secret thong and strapless bras with overcoats) they witnessed several suspects of the “Troublemaker” group throwing objects at the suspended chief. These objects included rocks, bottles, pool cues, and other various pointed instruments. At this point a street fight broke out and according to a Paramedic by the name of Joe, "I hadn’t seen fighting in the streets like this since the Riots of 2003 in Benton Harlem!" When Broken Springs’s Worst were called out in full doughnut gear, Acting Chief Daniel Shame fired several flaming arrows into the area to disperse the crowd. Fortunately, none of the arrows hit their mark, thanks to Acting Chief Shame's novice skill level with the weapon.

Crime Starters is seeking the subject or subjects that may lead up to or include the leaders of the Group "Troublemakers" for questioning and possible deportation from Broken Springs. Anyone with information is requested to leave a message with the editor of this newspaper. As always, you will be given a free doughnut and we won't misspell your name.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Brokeback Springs

Shane Del Mar wakes before five, scratching his spare tire and wiry pubes. He rolls out of bed and stumbles to the kitchen sink, where he urinates. He’s still half asleep, but tries to wake completely by aiming precisely at the drain. He misses and accidentally hits the missus’s coffee cup. Mrs. Del Mar is still sleeping on the couch, if her snoring is any indication.

Shane packed the night before. Probably before his wife even shifts position in her flower patterned housecoat, he’ll have already left for a month long stakeout in a rural part of Broken Springs, known to the locals as Brokeback Springs, where two homosexual men were supposed to be running a meth house. His boss, a giant of a specimen of a man named Paul Bunion, chose Jimmy Twist as Shane’s partner. Jimmy was a lanky character, with a serious demeanor and a mouth like a sailor. He was also going bald. Shane, on the other hand was thirty-something, a bit on the stocky side, with a wide torso and a short gray crew cut. Despite their physiques, their two bodies complimented each other in what they both assumed was a professional way. Both were stronger than they looked, and both had very quick reflexes.

At the station ten minutes later, Paul Bunion, towering over them with hair the color of shoe polish, gave them his point of view. “What I want is for one of you to pitch a tent close to the suspects. The other will man the radio in the squad. No fire. No sirens. Roll up that tent every morn in case the perps come out early to get the paper. You,” he said to Shane, “Fridays twelve noon be down on the bottom of the mountain with your next week list. Somebody with supplies will come in a pickup.” Paul tossed Shane a watch, as if he weren’t worth the reach.

With that, the two men left for the mountain, and for a stakeout they’d never forget.

To be continued...Chapter Two

Monday, February 13, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

Phil Ruse and Curly Headed Sandy are inconspicuously absent. Their coincidental absences does not insinuate anything scandalous in anyone’s far out imagination. In fact, the board hardly misses them. But in their honor, I will still add their predictable comments to these notes.

Before the meeting starts, Jan Chaddwick pulls Attorney Amnesia out into the hallway for a private conference. There’s no confirmation that they were making out, but when they come back, Jan’s Christmas sweater is on backwards and her hair is mussed up.

The minutes from the last meeting, after being amended by Chaddwick, are accepted.

Bob Frugal asks Jim Kingston about a $995 radio repair.

There were $64,000 worth of bills this month. Damn, Broken Springs would be a good place to open up a police department. Either that or a small casino.

Kingston, in his police report, notes that the department’s been busy with drunk drivers, embezzlers, check writing scammers and trying to pay back Superbowl bets.

We finally have our new computer software, and it will be put to use quickly. So this is a good time to say from the staff of NFBS: Broken Springs Police Department: We love you!

Then the three legged commission begins discussing the old business left over from the last meeting. Rob Fishnet is currently attending Police Academy, which he says is nothing like the movies. Kingston recommends giving him $1,500 to help foot the bill. But Ernie Hildecrust is concerned that if you do it for one, you must do it for all. Apparently Matt Finns, son in law to the anti-free speech Sharon Alexander, also plans to attend Academy soon after he graduates from LMC. “Tax and spend” Chaddwick thinks that as long as the boys work off their debt with the local department, it would be good business. She didn’t specify how exactly Fishnet could work off his debt, but we assume she meant something that involved him wearing an apron and holding a feather duster.

Attorney Amnesia agrees. Rob Fishnet wearing an apron and a duster is good business.

If Curly Headed Sandy were present her comment would go something like, “This would be good business.”

Ole Tax and Spend Chaddwick adds that they should help Matt Finns too, while they’re at it. Because, you know what’s better than a man in an apron carrying a feather duster?

Two men in aprons carrying two feather dusters!

Ernie Hildecrust, aka ‘the voice of reason’ tells the commission that they must be careful not to offer jobs they may not have. With reservists Finns and Fishnet joining the force on a semi-full time basis, the number of cops in Broken Springs would reach double digits. But on the positive side, Daniel Shame would have more time to shoot his bows and arrows.

Chief Kingston takes this opportunity to point out that our reservists have an excellent track record, and most have much success after moving onto other departments. One wonders why they’re leaving here…

Despite being the voice of reason, Hildecrust sides with the other two commissioners in setting the dangerous precedent. But a contract will be drawn up to ensure that Fishnet stays on with the department for a particular length of time.

Congratulations Rob Fishnet. You have won the $1500 showcase showdown!

The attorney then begins to mumble about something in that whiny Kermit the Frog pitched voice he has. But he also has this habit of talking with his hands in front of his mouth, so all I could make out was: Pete Faygo filed a FOIA, curious as to how much money was spent on the discipline of Daniel Shame. Because we know that Mr. Faygo is a regular NFBS reader (Hi Pete!) we’d like to offer the following research we’ve dug up in answer to his question.

One leather whip: $35
One dog collar: $20
One pair of handcuffs: nicked from the department
The look on Daniel Shame’s face as he bends down on all fours and fetches doughnuts: Priceless!

Then Jim Kingston, feeling a bit lucky at the crap table, decides to double up. He tells the commission that the officers will need new bullet proof vests soon, and they authorize him to find the highest priced ones.

Meanwhile, Officer Polackski wants to attend traffic accident school. Rather than sitting outside of Slater’s Supermarket on a Friday night, he’d like to sit behind a desk and shoot spit wads at the teacher. Lord knows it’s safer behind a desk. But Hildecrust, having swallowed another voice of reason pill, expresses cynicism because he’s heard a rumor that Officer Polackski has applied for a job elsewhere. What happens, he asks, if we send him to traffic accident school and he leaves the department?

Chief Kingston, aka Captain Obvious, answers, “Then he’d take his expertise with him.”

This is probably where Phil Ruse would chime in with, “Isn’t it possible for him to leave his expertise behind, perhaps in his locker, after he leaves us for another department?”

Ole Tax and Spend Chaddwick approves of sending him to traffic accident school and says we have no guarantees with anyone that they’ll stay on with us.

Curly Headed Sandy, if present, would say, “There aren’t any guarantees with anyone.”

Bob Frugal, ironically, decides for paying Pollack’s $700 to attend this school. Both he and Tax and Spend Chaddwick vote in favor. They never discuss drawing up a contract, similar to the one described above, to ensure that Polackski will stay on with the department. Maybe they don’t like Polackski and wouldn’t mind him leaving?

In the next order of business, Kingston reported that Polackski was a victim to a ‘fleeing and eluding’ about week or so ago. The Sheriff’s Department stopped the suspect with stop sticks. Apparently the BSOT PD only has go sticks.

There was a disturbance at the high school after a basketball game. A 16 year old boy wanted to beat up Daniel Shame outside but Shame pepper sprayed him and the principal of the school sat on him until backup arrived. The kid is in juvy as we speak. So to all of those people who saw Shame with two black eyes after this incident, he didn’t get beat up after all. His mascara was just running.

There was also an incident which involved a mentally handicapped man setting his coat on fire in the police station. Luckily all of the holding rooms in the police station are video and audio wiretapped, so the authorities noticed the fire before it got out of hand. The man is currently on tether, but Chief Kingston wants the retard in jail.

As is becoming custom, the commission goes into closed session that lasts nearly an hour and a half. When they return to open session, it’s announced that Attorney Amnesia will be drafting a disciplinary plan for the commission to have for future bow and arrow incidents. Chief Kingston will no longer have the power to discipline as he sees fit. Shucks.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

BCSD to purchase Retard Helmets

By our new correspondent, Chocolate Thunda

According to an anonymous inside source, the Mounting Division of the Broken Springs Sheriff’s Department is planning to buy safety helmets for those brave and dedicated chaps who volunteer to mount and ride horses in an attempt to keep the streets of Broken County free of criminals but unfortunately not so free of horse dung. The helmets, which will cost varying amounts depending on ear room, will prevent the re-injury to those already suffering enough brain damage to qualify for the Mounting Division to begin with. Total cost of the gargantuan melon protectors will be $9,000, and local Police Chief Jim Kingston has already begun soliciting private donations to aid his colleague, Sheriff Paul Bunyon, in their purchase. Kingston hopes that eventually the Broken Springs Police Commission will authorize bulletproof retard helmets for his squad division, particularly to prevent officer injury while patrolling the streets near Slater’s Supermarket around sundown on Friday nights.

In his press conference, Sheriff Paul Bunyon explained the retard helmet necessity simply. “The helmets will minimize any further damage to the cranial regions of my division. If I can better protect my deputies, they can better protect you. Then I can be re-elected, and with another four years, I can propose armored suits to minimize injury even more. Then I can be re-elected again, and within the next four years, I can introduce robotic Mounties that will do twice the job for half the pay.”

Division Captain Sunny Brooke took over the podium to describe the many falls suffered by the officers in the last ten years. All of them, he was sure to point out, were totally unrelated to the use of illegal drugs, except that one time when an officer on horseback tripped over and accidentally inhaled a lit marijuana plant.

However needed they may be, helmets may not be a certainty for the department due to financial harships within the department. Bunyon is currently up to his elbows trying to trim his nine million dollar budget. In the meantime, Division members are planning a bake sale to help raise money for the brain buckets. They’re also considering putting out an X rated calendar tentatively titled “Mounting Mounties.”

Meanwhile, the Sheriff’s Department always has the support of Jim Kingston and his local Doughnut Testers of America Chapter in Broken Springs."My department and I are dedicated to assisting in the laundering of the money needed by the sheriff to get the tas... er, I mean helmets. After Paul helped pass the millage by speaking on my behalf at the police commission meeting, I feel I owe him and his four legged friends. Not to mention his loyal testimony in the Christmas Care Bear investigation. The least we can do is help his retarded deputies get protective helmets so when their horses slip on their drool we won‘t have to scrape their brains up from our sidewalks."

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Scheister: Could've have said it better

Dear Editor,

I’d like to congratulate Mrs. Roberta Debison on her tremendous, superb, well-written, and logical letter to the editor praising that man who cannot be praised enough, Mr. Jim Kingston. Mrs. Roberta Debison could not have said it better, unless of course she was me, Mrs. Noel Scheister.

In past letters, I’ve condoned the payment of Chief (Mr. James Earl) Kingston for his WELL DESERVED vacation pay. But it seems our Police Commission - or at least the Township representatives on the commission - punish him for doing his job. Remember, it’s his job to not take vacation time, then try to weasel the Commissioners into paying him for the vacation time he didn‘t take. That is precisely what he did, what he’s paid for, or in this unfortunate case what he’s not paid for. But the township (not the village) crucifies him for being responsible enough to try to skirt commission policy. What nerve!

Issue #3: We’ve let Chief Kingston run the department exactly how he sees fit for over 30 years. Despite all of those state investigations, he’s done an excellent job. We should not interfere with his duties.

TO MR. and/or Mrs. WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: Stop the vendetta and bow down before Chief Kingston like the peons you are. Be grateful that you live in a small town, safeguarded from the rest of the big dangerous world.

Noel Scheister