Monday, February 13, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

Phil Ruse and Curly Headed Sandy are inconspicuously absent. Their coincidental absences does not insinuate anything scandalous in anyone’s far out imagination. In fact, the board hardly misses them. But in their honor, I will still add their predictable comments to these notes.

Before the meeting starts, Jan Chaddwick pulls Attorney Amnesia out into the hallway for a private conference. There’s no confirmation that they were making out, but when they come back, Jan’s Christmas sweater is on backwards and her hair is mussed up.

The minutes from the last meeting, after being amended by Chaddwick, are accepted.

Bob Frugal asks Jim Kingston about a $995 radio repair.

There were $64,000 worth of bills this month. Damn, Broken Springs would be a good place to open up a police department. Either that or a small casino.

Kingston, in his police report, notes that the department’s been busy with drunk drivers, embezzlers, check writing scammers and trying to pay back Superbowl bets.

We finally have our new computer software, and it will be put to use quickly. So this is a good time to say from the staff of NFBS: Broken Springs Police Department: We love you!

Then the three legged commission begins discussing the old business left over from the last meeting. Rob Fishnet is currently attending Police Academy, which he says is nothing like the movies. Kingston recommends giving him $1,500 to help foot the bill. But Ernie Hildecrust is concerned that if you do it for one, you must do it for all. Apparently Matt Finns, son in law to the anti-free speech Sharon Alexander, also plans to attend Academy soon after he graduates from LMC. “Tax and spend” Chaddwick thinks that as long as the boys work off their debt with the local department, it would be good business. She didn’t specify how exactly Fishnet could work off his debt, but we assume she meant something that involved him wearing an apron and holding a feather duster.

Attorney Amnesia agrees. Rob Fishnet wearing an apron and a duster is good business.

If Curly Headed Sandy were present her comment would go something like, “This would be good business.”

Ole Tax and Spend Chaddwick adds that they should help Matt Finns too, while they’re at it. Because, you know what’s better than a man in an apron carrying a feather duster?

Two men in aprons carrying two feather dusters!

Ernie Hildecrust, aka ‘the voice of reason’ tells the commission that they must be careful not to offer jobs they may not have. With reservists Finns and Fishnet joining the force on a semi-full time basis, the number of cops in Broken Springs would reach double digits. But on the positive side, Daniel Shame would have more time to shoot his bows and arrows.

Chief Kingston takes this opportunity to point out that our reservists have an excellent track record, and most have much success after moving onto other departments. One wonders why they’re leaving here…

Despite being the voice of reason, Hildecrust sides with the other two commissioners in setting the dangerous precedent. But a contract will be drawn up to ensure that Fishnet stays on with the department for a particular length of time.

Congratulations Rob Fishnet. You have won the $1500 showcase showdown!

The attorney then begins to mumble about something in that whiny Kermit the Frog pitched voice he has. But he also has this habit of talking with his hands in front of his mouth, so all I could make out was: Pete Faygo filed a FOIA, curious as to how much money was spent on the discipline of Daniel Shame. Because we know that Mr. Faygo is a regular NFBS reader (Hi Pete!) we’d like to offer the following research we’ve dug up in answer to his question.

One leather whip: $35
One dog collar: $20
One pair of handcuffs: nicked from the department
The look on Daniel Shame’s face as he bends down on all fours and fetches doughnuts: Priceless!

Then Jim Kingston, feeling a bit lucky at the crap table, decides to double up. He tells the commission that the officers will need new bullet proof vests soon, and they authorize him to find the highest priced ones.

Meanwhile, Officer Polackski wants to attend traffic accident school. Rather than sitting outside of Slater’s Supermarket on a Friday night, he’d like to sit behind a desk and shoot spit wads at the teacher. Lord knows it’s safer behind a desk. But Hildecrust, having swallowed another voice of reason pill, expresses cynicism because he’s heard a rumor that Officer Polackski has applied for a job elsewhere. What happens, he asks, if we send him to traffic accident school and he leaves the department?

Chief Kingston, aka Captain Obvious, answers, “Then he’d take his expertise with him.”

This is probably where Phil Ruse would chime in with, “Isn’t it possible for him to leave his expertise behind, perhaps in his locker, after he leaves us for another department?”

Ole Tax and Spend Chaddwick approves of sending him to traffic accident school and says we have no guarantees with anyone that they’ll stay on with us.

Curly Headed Sandy, if present, would say, “There aren’t any guarantees with anyone.”

Bob Frugal, ironically, decides for paying Pollack’s $700 to attend this school. Both he and Tax and Spend Chaddwick vote in favor. They never discuss drawing up a contract, similar to the one described above, to ensure that Polackski will stay on with the department. Maybe they don’t like Polackski and wouldn’t mind him leaving?

In the next order of business, Kingston reported that Polackski was a victim to a ‘fleeing and eluding’ about week or so ago. The Sheriff’s Department stopped the suspect with stop sticks. Apparently the BSOT PD only has go sticks.

There was a disturbance at the high school after a basketball game. A 16 year old boy wanted to beat up Daniel Shame outside but Shame pepper sprayed him and the principal of the school sat on him until backup arrived. The kid is in juvy as we speak. So to all of those people who saw Shame with two black eyes after this incident, he didn’t get beat up after all. His mascara was just running.

There was also an incident which involved a mentally handicapped man setting his coat on fire in the police station. Luckily all of the holding rooms in the police station are video and audio wiretapped, so the authorities noticed the fire before it got out of hand. The man is currently on tether, but Chief Kingston wants the retard in jail.

As is becoming custom, the commission goes into closed session that lasts nearly an hour and a half. When they return to open session, it’s announced that Attorney Amnesia will be drafting a disciplinary plan for the commission to have for future bow and arrow incidents. Chief Kingston will no longer have the power to discipline as he sees fit. Shucks.

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