Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Interview with a Wanker

Exclusive interview with Broken Springs’s most infamous copper, Dan Shame.

NFBS: Good morning.

DS: Howdy Partner.

NFBS: First of all, thank you for agreeing to this interview.

DS: No problemo. The more I talk to the little people of Broken Springs, the more I’m respected on the street.

NFBS: Little people? Do you mean midgets?

DS: No.

NFBS: Hobbits?

DS: No.

NFBS: People about the same size as you?

DS: I meant ordinary townsfolk.

NFBS: That brings us to the first question. Is there a correlation to your short stature and the fact that 98.5% of the Broken Springs population considers you an absolute prick?

DS: Quite the contrary. My dedication as a police officer roots from my childhood. When I grew up I never received a ticket no matter how hard I tried. All my friends had at least one, sometimes two or three to their names. But the closest I ever came was when I was caught doing doughnuts in the school parking lot. Unfortunately I was with the Chief’s son at the time so I didn’t receive that ticket for reckless driving that I had my heart set on. So when I went into law enforcement, after a failed venture with the DNR, I made it my life’s mission to make sure everyone who wants a ticket gets one. That’s my gift to Broken Springs.

Why, aren’t you generous? Do you ever bend the rules for people?

DS: Oh, all the time, but don’t tell my boss. (Laughing) Once I ticketed someone for driving without a coat on in the middle of December. Another time, a young girl wanted a ticket so bad I had to console her in the backseat of the squad car. She touched me so much, I ended up giving her two tickets: One for failing to use a turn signal and the other for fleeing and eluding a police officer as I chased her around the police car and attempted to restrain her.

NFBS: Do you ever think maybe that the people of BS don’t want your tickets, that maybe they just want to be left alone?

DS: Don’t be silly. It’s an honor to be ticketed by the best. They should thank me like the nice young lady I needed to cuff to the car door. She had tears of joy in her eyes by the time I was through with her.

NFBS: I see. What a lucky young woman. You have often been seen driving recklessly through town in your own personal vehicle. How do you respond?

DS: That’s not me. That’s my twin brother, Stan Shame. He’s also a raging alcoholic with a blow problem. I can’t be held responsible for his actions.

But you’re listed in the 2005 Census as being an only son.

DS: It’s a long story that involved my brother faking his own death back in ‘93 over some overdue library books. We never have been able to convince the government that he survived jumping from that 3rd story library window. It ain’t all bad. He hasn’t had to pay taxes for the past 12 years.

You recently were hired to oversee the enforcement of the litter and debris ordinances in the Village of Broken Springs and Broken Township. Are you looking forward to those extra responsibilities?

DS: Very much so. It’s time to clean up Broken Springs.

NFBS: Will you be a strict enforcer of the ordinances, then?

DS: The strictest Broken Springs has ever had. Watch out blighters. There’s a new Sheriff in town. And his name is Daniel Shame.

NFBS: Critics say you’re not qualified for the job. Your response to them?

DS: Nonsense. There’s no one in Broken Springs who knows trash more than I do.

NFBS: We can’t argue with that.

DS: I also know all the tricks of the trade. For example, the first thing I’ll watch for is people letting their grass grow to conceal unlicensed cars in their yards. Also, unless you’re Dale Earnhardt Jr., there’s no need to have hundreds of old tires sitting around, full of rain water collecting mosquito eggs.

NFBS: You’re referring to Merle Axwell, we assume?

DS: The one and only. He obviously has no pride in Broken Springs.

NFBS: But our sources tell us that your own grass often grows long before you mow it and the constant renovations to your house cause an eyesore. Isn’t that hypocritical?

DS: That’s different. I live in Niles.

Thank you for granting us this interview, Mr. Shame.

DS: You’re welcome. I’ll send you the bill for my time.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Huge Turnout for Policefest

To raise money for the Broken Springs Police Department, whose millage passed but the funds never made it out of the Blue Ship Casino and Hotel, Friends of Jim Kingston organized an event on Saturday, August 27th in Indian Fields. The event, named Policefest, was open to the public and was intended to celebrate the spirit of Broken Springs. In other words, it was a good excuse to get loaded.

“A few of us thought it might be a good idea,” Chris Oswald of State Barn Insurance said. “Initially we wished to raise money for the tasers, so we wouldn’t have to write any more checks that Chief Jim would have to cash illegally. But we went above and beyond our initial expectations, obviously because the community of Broken Springs supports their police department.”

The first annual Policefest was speculated to bring in between three and five thousand dollars for the department. But with the large turnout, profits were so massive that the police force plans to purchase not only tasers but also a pair of elevator shoes for every officer.

The biggest profits came from the dunk tank, in which several officers and public officials donated their valuable time. It cost five dollars to throw three balls and it’s estimated that Troublemaker Bob and his band of cohorts alone spent $165 dollars to try and dunk Chief Kingston in the water and another $87.50 trying to make Mayor Jan Chaddwick all wet. According to eyewitnesses still chuckling from the event, they were successful on many attempts. In fact by the end of the evening, Troublemaker Bob was so precise in his aim that his wife made this comment to NFBS, “I wish he could hit the toilet half as well. Perhaps I’ll have to glue a picture of Jim Kingston to the bottom of the bowl.”

“I didn’t really mind serving my community in the dunk tank,” commented the Chief while shaking the water out of his ears. “In fact, it was a bit cooler than I expected, but probably because I’m used to being in hot water.”

Other carnival games included ‘Pin the tail on the Mayor’ and the old classic, Ring Toss, with a twist. Husbands had to aim for their wives’ upright nipples as they lay on their backs several feet away. Roger Jackson was the big winner, despite many allegations that he had a larger target and thus an unfair advantage. Unfair advantage or not, he deserves that bottle of Wild Turkey for one reason or another. He was seen chugging it behind a tree near the lake before the party was half over.

The first annual Policefest ended with a bonfire for the remaining attendees. Citizens sat hand in hand with police officers and public officials and sang kumbaya while roasting wieners and marshmallows over the open flame. When they ran out of wieners and marshmallows, Officer Daniel Shame ran down to the police station to retrieve last month’s stash of confiscated marijuana and a group of about twenty disposed of the illegal substance in the proper fashion, a ceremony that lasted well into the middle of the night as whisks of smoke billowed over Broken Springs for the next three days.

In other news, local gas stations and supermarkets report an increase in junk food profits for the three days following the first annual Policefest.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Is Broken Springs Racist?

A recent Washington study has found that minorities nationwide are more likely to be searched, handcuffed, arrested, and subjected to force or the threat of it after routine traffic stops by police officers.

Similar allegations were made against the Broken Springs Police Department nearly two years ago after a black man running for Village Council was detained, searched, and harassed while distributing his campaign fliers on foot. Several black residents then accused the department of racial profiling at the next township meeting, forcing the department to investigate the allegations made against them. The Broken Springs Police Department’s investigation concluded that the Broken Springs Police Department only pulled over minorities who were guilty of breaking the law, and furthermore, white people were often pulled over for similar infractions. These conclusions temporarily exonerated the department against the serious allegations of racism made by the citizens. But the recent Washington study has reopened the two year old investigation on the tip that racial profiling still runs rampant in the grand metropolis known as Broken Springs, whose population is 1,800 and dropping.

Here at NFBS we decided to do a little investigating ourselves. While Broken Springs is 77% white, according to the 2000 census, apparently most of the white population stays in their house around the clock, probably watching the Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune, judging from their average age of 78.2. A casual stroll through Broken Springs reveals people of all colors and shades, and nowhere do whites dominate our quaint little town except for local government.

As part of our survey, we asked everyone who wandered into the Dairy King whether or not they’d been pulled over by a Broken Springs cop in the last year. Six in ten answered affirmative. When asked about the reasons for being stopped, only two in ten were given one by the officer who pulled them over. Reasons, when given, varied from having a taillight out, to going 26 in the 25 mph zone, and one blonde haired woman who drove away from the gas station without removing the gas pump from her car. One particular gentleman of darker skin tone said he was once pulled over because the trailer hitch on his vehicle was obstructing the view of his license plate. He wouldn’t name the officer who stopped him, other than to say he was, “a short, fat little f*&^ with a bad attitude.” We asked him to be more specific.

Of all those questioned, of which 60 percent were non-white, six out of ten said that local cops harass minorities. Four in ten disagreed, adding that, “Those porch monkeys got it coming.”

When questioned about being frisked, and having their vehicles searched, most female and a few male respondents blushed so heavily we further inquired why a simple question should cause such embarrassment. As an anonymous 14-year-old girl told us shyly, “I’m sure the officer didn’t mean to grab my breast like that as he frisked me for dangerous explosives and narcotics at a Broken Springs football game. Of course, I never told anyone, not even my pastor.”

Our poll indicates that the younger you are, the more likely you are to have your vehicle searched in Broken Springs. Without probable cause or the consent of the operator of the car, vehicle searches are illegal, according to Police Commission Attorney, Charles Amnesia at the July Police Commission meeting. Less than one in ten who took our survey were aware that the Fourth Amendment to the US Constitution protects them not only from the federal government, but from the Broken Springs Police Department as well.

So our conclusions are as follows:
Are Broken Springs police officers racist? Probably no more so than any other small town police officers. Are other small town police officers racist? As Chief Kingston might say, “Do n!&&*^$ like watermelon?”

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Pro Kingston Rally Planned

Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick announced today that a support rally for Broken Springs/Onoyoko Township Police Chief Jim Kingston will be held on September 1st. The rally will take place at the Broken Springs Public School’s football field, which will be redesigned to allow the tens of thousands that are expected to attend. Such a high turnout will give “proper ambience,” according to Chaddwick.

The football field will be redesigned with the help of Allan Spear of Nuremberg, Germany. Spear, whose architectural credits include the Dachau Family Fun Center, the Belsen-Bergen Master Racetrack, and the Nuremberg (Stock Car) Rally track, has been commissioned by Chaddwick and the Village Council. “We believe that Spear has the proper credits and, more important, a keen eye for the kind of rally that we wish to promote on behalf of our wonderful and kind police chief. Jim has been deep inside my heart too many times for me not to be grateful. In fact, Kingston has been deep inside me for a long time, and on many occassions!”

Spear is the CEO of Nuremberg Rally, Inc, and also has holdings in the Fourth Reich Crematoriums and Funeral Homes as well as the new “Gestapoburger” franchise. Contacted at his fortified bunker and office complex deep in the heart of Nuremberg, Spear stated, “Ve vill be building an addition to der Footsball stadium zat vill strrrress ORDER above all! Dis vill be a stadium zat vill be a perrrrfect monument to ze leadership of Police Fuhrer Kingston, as well as his trrrrreatment of ze lesser rrrraces of Brrrroken Sprrrrings.”

Spear’s longtime associate, Adolf Hartler, leader of the new Socialist National Party of Germany, stated that Spear’s rally designs are, “just vot der doktor orrrrdered! His designs haf been all ze RAVE in our new Fourth Rei...uh, zat iz, our new reunited Germany. HAIL DEUTSCHLAND!!!”

Chaddwick stated that the new designs for the football field will, “take the best of both worlds...the folksy down-home small-town football field, and the symbolism of an organization that understood power-consolidation and massive structures; after all, there’s nothing that I enjoy more than power and a massive erection!”

Spear told NFBS that labor will be “donated” from the new Pendlewood Camp outside of Broken Springs, stating “there’s notsing zat I love more zan camps. After all, you Americans zend people to camps, right? Dat’s vot we did...we zent zome nice people to camp...mostly in ze summer.”

Chaddwick defended the costs of restructuring the Public School football field. “You cannot possibly spend enough money to show appreciation to a man like Kingston, and this massive erection will be the perfect monument to the type of leadership that he has provided for the good citizens of Broken Springs, many of them female.”

Broken Springs critic Troublemaker Bob has decried this effort, stating, “Where is this so-called ‘free labor’ coming from? I have tried to contact Jac Davies, the commandant of Pendlewood Camp, but they continually tell me that he is in ‘another country regarding negotiations with Allan Spear and Adolf Hartler’...something funny is going on here. And, have you noticed that the french fries at some of our local dining establishments taste a little strange lately?”

Chaddwick rebutted Troublemaker Bob’s charges by stating that “Davies is merely attempting to help the economy of Broken Springs by providing this free labor. As to the french fries, I can tell you that I personally cannot tell the difference, and I have done extensive taste tests in all of our dining establishments...many times.”

The Rally for Kingston will be proceeded by a March of the Chaddwick Youth through the streets of Broken Springs, according to President Chaddwick. The Rally will feature a “webpage burning” (with printed pages of Troublemaker Bob’s anti-Kingston website and the Onoyoko Citizens webpage being burned); speeches by Adolf Hartler, Allan Spear, and Chief Kingston; and a dramatic torchlight march by the “Friends of Jim Kingston” organization at midnight.

Citizens of Broken Springs are required to attend; those not in attendance will be provided with a free two-week stay at Pendlewood Camp for “education purposes,” according to Chaddwick.

(Above: Allan Spear’s design for the upgrade of the Broken Springs’s football field)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Another Sign Controversy

After the village of Broken Springs was forced into taking a pro millage statement off the town’s welcoming sign, village officials reportedly offered a different suggestion. It’s assumed this message is to the people who made them take down the original sign in the first place.

The current statement has resulted in many BSers just shaking their heads, wondering why they live in such a small and immature town. (It certainly isn’t the low gas prices)

Despite the earlier controversy surrounding the millage signs, one of which was placed at the Public Safety building, the millage still managed to pass by over two hundred votes. But the CEFLVGPWCKHBC, (Citizens for Ethical Fiscality in Local Village Government, Particularly When Chief Kingston Has a Blank Check For Tasers) has made an official complaint with state authorities, charging a violation of election law and if it’s decided that the Village People and Township are in the wrong, it may cost the municipalities up to $40,000.

A citizen known only as Troublemaker Boob, speaking to us from behind a pink scarf and Liz Clairborne sunglasses, had this comment about the current sign. “When someone enters Broken Springs from the rear, they should be welcomed with open arms and spread legs, not with this,” he said, pointing his limp wrist at the sign above him as passersby in several vehicles threw rocks in his general direction. One made him stumble in his six inch high heels so that he almost tumbled down the hill.

In an effort to get both sides of the story, NFBS asked Mayor Jan Chaddwick about the intentions of the signs. She offered a very reasonable explanation. “A Mofo is a specific species of fish native to southwest Michigan, known for their ability to jump and fly out of the water. Last fall we had an incident when several hundred of them clogged up traffic on the bridge coming into town. So the sign is just a preventive measure to avoid a similar situation this fall.”

…proving once again that our democratically elected officials have put public interest above their own.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Chief Sentenced to Community Service

It’s become a common sight in Broken Springs to see Chief Kingston donning shorts and a fashionable tank top while he mows the grass on the other side of the river. In fact, from this behavior he’s acquired a reputation as a charitable man concerned about the betterment of the community, all the way down to the last blade of grass. But documents recently uncovered by reporters at NFBS point to a very different motivation.

According to court records that date back to 1998, Jim Kingston, in accordance with the Broken County Court System, agreed as part of a plea bargain to volunteer his time mowing the lawn for a period of 10 years, in exchange for the dropping of sexual harassment charges he faced from Ms. Lillian Schwartz. Local residents may remember that the Chief once faced sexual harassment charges from Ms. Schwartz, one time police department clerk. The charges were thought to have been dropped because the department didn’t employee enough people, making the sexual harassment claim null and void. But recent documents present a different story.

Ms. Schwartz, who now lives in Florida, told us, “I didn’t mind the persistent come ons, really. Chief Kingston is quite a looker, and people say he’s hung like a horse. But I was a married woman, and he was a married man. So one day when he grabbed my buttocks, I told him that was the last straw.”

According to the court recorder notes, Kingston’s defended his ‘buttocks squeezing behavior,’ insisting it was completely justified. The chief testified that, ‘Ms. Schwartz suddenly started to faint after I commented how nice her hair looked, so I reached out and grabbed whatever part of her I could, which just happened to be her buttocks, your honor. I’m not saying she has a big as… er, hind end. In fact, I think her hind end is very nice looking, especially when she bends over to pick up the papers I’m constantly dropping in the office.”

Judge Tolin, who presided over the trial, gave Chief Kingston a straight up verdict. “Either you can go to jail, where the tables will be turned and it’ll be your as… er, your assets on the line, or you can grant this poor woman a nice retirement package while you work off your immoral behavior with ten years of community service.”

Chief Kingston believes he made the right choice.

His supporters insist that he’d mow the grass even if he wasn’t ordered to by the Broken Springs Court System.

About our new ads...

As you might've already figured out, NFBS is featuring Amazon Ads down the right hand border of the page. We've not included these ads for the purposes of striking it rich, but rather to enlighten our local readers with a handful of products which may or may not be of interest to them. Personally, we especially recommend any of the local historic books near the top of the list, particularly anything by Bob Myers. "Broken Springs" has a rich history that's often overlooked in the face of modern politics. Also, the gift certificate to TJ's is a great buy. You can literally order $25 worth of great food for the coupon price of ten dollars. If anyone has any product recommendations that you think should be included on this blog, please don't hesitate to drop us a line somewhere - via email or in a comment/guestbook entry, and we'll see what we can do.

The ads unfortunately make printing up pages more of a task than it once was, since all of them are included when you print one article. An easy way around this is to only print the couple pages that the story is on. Most of the articles here do not extend beyond page two, so if you want to print something out, just click which pages in the print popup box.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

We Love Our Chief

Dear Editor,

This letter is to all the nasty people who tried to turn the people against Jim Kingston and get the additional mill for the police department turned down.

The citizens for the additional mill and Kingston have spoken -- (Broken Springs Sheriff Paul) Bunyon has spoken. Everyone has screamed at the top of their lungs, “WE LOVE JIM KINGSTON!” Unlike the people against the millage, we appreciate his long hard hours of loyalty and perseverance to get the job done. We are grateful for his protection, particularly of the weaker sex who sometimes need a set of strong hands to guide and shield them from all of the world’s dangers, like jealous husbands who burn all your clothes after he gets home and finds the Chief’s vehicle in your driveway for the third straight afternoon.

The Michigan State Police who are investigating our wonderful innocent Police Chief will find no wrong doing because there was no wrong doing and certainly you cannot find something that doesn‘t exist, can you? All they will find is a mistake, performed over and over again because no one has bothered to let Chief Kingston know that he’s been accidentally breaking the law. People make mistakes, we are all human and make mistakes, it is just a “Bend in the Limb. Not the End of the Limb.” And some slight curvature is normal, the doctors have assured me.

Also to Troublemaking Boob: Red, White, and Blue stands for all who protect and serve our country - the military, but also the police and firemen. And although Jim Kingston was unable to serve his country in the military due to too many unfortunate blows to the head while he was serving his town as a Broken Springs football player, he serves his country now, valiantly and with dedication by mowing lawns across the bridge on his days off.

So if you don’t like it in Broken Springs… move on, find another community to live in. I’m sure there might be a perfect community for you all, somewhere around Benton Harlem. *

Lonna Jackson

* As per the rules in the millage drinking game, everyone must now pour themselves a nice stiff one.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

Instead of having pitched her tent, Jan Chadwick ditched her tent and opted to wear casual gray slacks to this month’s meeting. Chief Jim wore that same red, white, and blue chip American eagle tie that he’s so fond of. I’m beginning to suspect he has more than one. The Commission Attorney looked stylish as usual, and was fashionably late.

The meeting was called to order at precisely seven o’clock with an audience of six people, eight if you include the editor of the Journalistic Error.

Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust thanked everyone for the cards after his heart surgery, and he also noted that his wife got a good chuckle out of the sympathy cards.

Laidlaw Co. will supply the police fuel for a year. Other alternatives for obtaining gas were discussed, including frequent lunches at Taco Bell. The commission decided to go with Laidlaw, despite the fact that Taco Bell is cheaper.

Reservists on the force volunteered over 190 hours this month. Complaints were up 6% over last month. Probably the reservists complaining about having to work so much.

Chairperson Hildecrust supports the full recovery of Lt. Roy Kingsley 100%.

Chief Jim Kingston thanked everyone for their hard work on the millage, including all the officers and officers’ families who went door to door encouraging a YES vote.

Chairperson Hildecrust scolded whoever was responsible for putting VOTE YES on the signs in town. He said it was flat out illegal. Tsk tsk, shame shame, everybody knows your name. Well, nobody knows your name because he didn’t name anyone by name but you know you are, shame on you anyway.

Chairperson Hildecrust also insisted that Officer Mort Allgay acted “out of line” and owes someone a letter of apology. He also called him a smart aleck. Tsk, tsk. A police officer being a smart aleck??? Perish the thought!

No word yet on whether or not Ernie Hildecrust was on his period. Investigators are investigating into the matter. (*)

Chief Jim notifies the commission that LEIN checks (which occur after a BS officer runs your license through the system after pulling you over for no reason to make sure you‘re not a terrorist, a pot smoker, or a millage opponent) will cost the department $500 in the future, and an extra $12 per officer ($18 if the officer is overweight). One wonders if harassing Broken Springers is really worth the cost in these hard times.

Nobody suggested the obvious solution: Stop pulling people over. Or at least straight laced prudish white people who never break any laws anyway. Seems a waste of money to this reporter.

Chief Jim also let the commission know that the 3% pay raise for the department was much appreciated. However, the part time office help and the crossing guard now want in on the action.

So in a time when the department is $11,000 short of budget even with the millage passing, the fiscally conservative and responsible police commission members voted in a 3% pay raise for every Tom, Dick, and Harry who works at, for, or around the police station.

After 15 minutes and no discussion from the minimal crowd, the meeting was adjourned. World’s shortest meeting. This reporter has seen longer commercials.

Fifteen minutes…
Jan Chadwick’s order at Pizza Hut was ready.
Ernie Hildecrust’s oil was changed.
Dick Steelman’s lube job was done.
Time to go home.

* This reporter rather prefers the new Ernie. I’m beginning to wonder if he didn’t also get his spine operated on.

Until next meeting... cherio.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Millage Drinking Game

In order to better endure the passage of the millage, not to mention paying higher taxes to fund the continuation of the status quo in Broken Springs, we at NFBS offer the following drinking game. For those unfamiliar with drinking games, one needs only a beverage (preferably alcoholic in order for the drinking game to be most effective) and a container with which to drink it from. In olden days of Broken Springs, the white man used the skulls of Indians from which to sip his Pabst Blue Ribbon. But one needn’t human skulls to ride the magic carpet three sheets to the wind. A simple shot glass works fine.

The rules are simple. Say you pick up the latest Journalistic Error or are eating breakfast with your pro-millage buddies... whatever boring thing it is you do on a day to day basis in Broken Springs. Below is a list. Every time you’ve encounter one of the below listed scenarios, pour yourself a drink, tip it to the moon and don’t look back. Guaranteed to make you forget all about that pesky millage.

Have a drink for every time you:

  • Saw a police officer or an officer’s family member holding a VOTE YES sign.
  • Saw a civilian’s vehicle with paint obstructing their windows, urging a Yes Vote.
  • Saw a police car conveniently at or near a polling precinct during election hours.
  • Saw a “Vote Yes” advertised on official Broken Springs tax funded property.
  • Saw a BS policeman wave and smile at a possible yes voter.
  • Read/heard a supporter insist that voting for the millage would save the life of some random old person just waiting for the millage to pass before they have their next heart attack.
  • Read a pro-millage editorial using any of the following labels to describe millage opponents: sidewalk supervisor, buttinsky, micromanager.
  • Read/heard a supporter say/write, “This vote is not about tasers.”
  • Read/heard a supporter say/write, “This vote is not about Jim Kingston.”
  • Read/heard a supporter say/write, “Jim Kingston is a good man.”
  • Read/heard a supporter implying that the town is safer now, even though we’re no safer than we were before the millage.
  • Read/heard a supporter requesting that an opponent move out of Broken Springs.
  • Read/heard a supporter imply that opponents haven’t lived in Broken Springs as long as they have, and therefore aren’t as capable of making informed judgments.
  • Read “both sides” in the Journalistic Error, which coincidently argue the same yes position.
  • Read on the millage support list a name of someone who told you personally they didn’t support the millage.
  • Read/heard a politician insist that the extra mill would not raise the police’s budget.
  • Read/heard a supporter blame the Township for bailing out on the Village in the subsidization of the police department.
  • Read a Chaddwick quote that implied that millage supporters were smarter than opponents.
  • Read a Chaddwick quote that implied that millage opponents are not only stupid, but liars as well.

WARNING: Alcohol consumption is a dangerous thing. Even our wonderful police tip a few too many now and again. I only bring that up to demonstrate that no one is immune. The most sensible person, if drunk, is likely to strip naked and dance on barstools, and in even more extreme examples, perform karaoke Saturday nights in the Coyote’s Watering Hole. Also worth noting is how one should not drive after playing this game. That’s a sure fire way to get a one way cab ride down to St. Joe for a free night’s stay in the Riviera Hotel with bars on the windows. So hide the car keys, BSers, and heal thyself.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Millage Passes!

Eight full time cops are breathing a sigh of relief tonight, as word hit the street that the millage passed in Tuesday’s election for the Broken Springs Onoyoko Township Police Department. The full time staff was threatened with layoffs had 200 wonderful Broken Springs citizens not bothered to be the deciding factor in the unusually close election. To celebrate, the police decided to take the night off harassing young people, blacks, and women.

No, that last part’s not true. They never take the night off. They were out in full force just the same as always, circling the town like buzzards over road kill, because “it is what they do.” Translation: They have nothing better to do in backwards Broken Springs on a Tuesday night after the millage vote assured them their average salary of $38,000 plus benefits and all the donuts they can eat.

Opponents of the millage, (of which I’m not one, for the record… I voted yes yes yes, you know it, give Jimmy more money, here, take my wallet!) Um, where was I? Opponents of the millage said the usual things that losers say after wasting a lot of time losing an election… “We made great strides tonight,” and “This isn’t the end, but the beginning.”

Supporters of the millage, which included all the business owners with money to burn and/or reputations to uphold, not to mention the entire Kingston family (the current count is 285) had these comments: “Suck on this, ya losers, na na na na na,” as they stuck out their tongues in typical five year old fashion.

Those who didn’t give a flying flamingo either way, which include most of the town and those too stoned and/or drunk to even realize that it was election day, obviously had no comments except for the occasional, “Has it been four years already?” and “I thought we voted in November,” while they scratched dandruff out of their hair and waited in the drive through at Burger King.

The next millage election is scheduled for next August, when the current 3 mills will be on the ballot for renewal.

(The author of this article would just like to apologize to NFBS readers for drifting from the objective reporting that you, dear reader, are used to. The author has had an upset stomach ever since seeing Mort Allgay in shorts late this afternoon as he valiantly held his VOTE YES sign across the street from the library. The author then tried to quell the condition with a fifth of tequila but the cure turned out to be more harmful than the disease. As a result, the author has had to resort to a bit of slang editorializing in between episodes of massive vomiting between paragraphs.

The author also hopes that the reader in no way correlates the author’s health condition and/or the author’s decision start slamming Tequila shooters to the passing of the millage. No way, no how. In fact, we here at NFBS join the author in APPLAUDING our faithful YES voting citizenry for keeping all those old people alive whose lives would be threatened without 24/7 police coverage. Because if there’s one thing Broken Springs needs, it’s definitely more old people. Just as long as they’re not black.)

Monday, August 01, 2005

FOJ Memo

Concerned about the passing of the millage tomorrow, the Broken Springs Onoyoko Police Department has put together a list of brainstormed ideas to raise the additional monies needed in order to assure their continued employment. NFBS has been fortunate enough to acquire a copy of the proposed plans via our top secret mole implanted deep within the FOJ organization. The following is a verbatim copy of the memo sent out this morning:

Dear loyal and dedicated Police Defenders,

As you’re aware, tomorrow is the day our community decides the fate of our faithful and hardworking police department. Due to the hard work and devotion of many Friends Of Jim, we expect nothing short of a stunning victory for our side. We have an enormous amount of faith in our townsfolk to make the right decision and pass this very necessary millage. However, if those immoral buttinskies, sidewalk supervisors, and micromanagers get their way, Broken Springs will be policed with nothing more than flyswatters and bb guns.

Rest assured, dear defenders of law and order, we are in no way conceding defeat! We are only planning for the worst case scenario just in case the pendulum of democracy doesn’t swing our way. With that in mind, we’ve proposed a list of very tentative ideas to help retain our current staff of buff men in tight uniforms. These are primarily fund raising ideas, as the biggest thing standing in between us and chaotic anarchy in the streets of BS is $189,000. In order to replace such a large sum of money that the Township was too tight fisted to donate, we need to put in place one or all of the following projects.

Remember in elementary school when you used to trick your mother into baking a dozen cookies only to bring them to school and have everyone make fun of the little green sprinkles in them… but boy did they sell good! You sold out in the first ten minutes while classmates couldn’t give away the stale windmill cookies their mothers’ bought at the store for 89 cents.

We have many an experienced baker in the FOJ, including Mayor Jan Chaddwick herself, whose size alone advertises her expertise. She makes brownies laced with arsenic to die for! I can already see them being gobbled up by all the micromanagers in our community.

Either we could hire high school girls in bikinis to soap up cars (and themselves in the process) while innocently giggling, bouncing their bosoms up and down in a carefree manner and charge between twenty and thirty dollars per wash, or we could insist that our brave men in blue show their ability to handle long hoses and charge a more modest figure of five dollars per wash. The latter option also assures them the ability to “accidentally drop” illegal substances beneath car floorboards of those cars driven by perceived enemies of the town, such as those cars carrying the FIRE JIM bumper stickers or those that say F*&% THE POLICE. Results from this project may come back to benefit us in the long term.

The police station is a virtual pigpen of useless junk that could be sold or auctioned to one of the many packrats in our community who violate the blight ordinances with dumpster junk they find during our community wide village garage sales. Chief Kingston’s desk alone holds a gold’s mine in knick knacks and office supplies that may be valuable to the BSer interested in local history in the making. For example, before typing out this memo, I took a gander in the Chief’s desk and I found three loose bank deposit slips, five old Keno receipts and a matchbook from the Ramada Inn with the words “Call me, Bambi” and a phone number written in the inside cover. What BS connoisseur wouldn’t faint just to hold such sacred items that will only rise in value?

Only as a last resort should we become a group of vigilantes who take the law into our own hands. The anarchy which will result from a smaller police force will begin destroying Broken Springs from the inside out until the public citizenry will not be able to take it any longer, demanding a revote on the millage and a passing of whatever taxes necessary to fund a full time police force.

We know a guy who knows a guy whose chauffer who also works in the stables for a certain horse to be entered in next year’s Derby. He assures us that the pony is a shoe in to win. Just a few dollars from each of us could possibly raise more than our required amount, but obviously, we’d have to wait until next May before we see a dime.

Hopefully none of these options will be required after tomorrow’s vote. But just in case things don’t sway our way, keep them in mind for possible future scenarios.

Yours Sincerely,
Cheri Kingston
Village Perk