Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Pro Kingston Rally Planned

Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick announced today that a support rally for Broken Springs/Onoyoko Township Police Chief Jim Kingston will be held on September 1st. The rally will take place at the Broken Springs Public School’s football field, which will be redesigned to allow the tens of thousands that are expected to attend. Such a high turnout will give “proper ambience,” according to Chaddwick.

The football field will be redesigned with the help of Allan Spear of Nuremberg, Germany. Spear, whose architectural credits include the Dachau Family Fun Center, the Belsen-Bergen Master Racetrack, and the Nuremberg (Stock Car) Rally track, has been commissioned by Chaddwick and the Village Council. “We believe that Spear has the proper credits and, more important, a keen eye for the kind of rally that we wish to promote on behalf of our wonderful and kind police chief. Jim has been deep inside my heart too many times for me not to be grateful. In fact, Kingston has been deep inside me for a long time, and on many occassions!”

Spear is the CEO of Nuremberg Rally, Inc, and also has holdings in the Fourth Reich Crematoriums and Funeral Homes as well as the new “Gestapoburger” franchise. Contacted at his fortified bunker and office complex deep in the heart of Nuremberg, Spear stated, “Ve vill be building an addition to der Footsball stadium zat vill strrrress ORDER above all! Dis vill be a stadium zat vill be a perrrrfect monument to ze leadership of Police Fuhrer Kingston, as well as his trrrrreatment of ze lesser rrrraces of Brrrroken Sprrrrings.”

Spear’s longtime associate, Adolf Hartler, leader of the new Socialist National Party of Germany, stated that Spear’s rally designs are, “just vot der doktor orrrrdered! His designs haf been all ze RAVE in our new Fourth Rei...uh, zat iz, our new reunited Germany. HAIL DEUTSCHLAND!!!”

Chaddwick stated that the new designs for the football field will, “take the best of both worlds...the folksy down-home small-town football field, and the symbolism of an organization that understood power-consolidation and massive structures; after all, there’s nothing that I enjoy more than power and a massive erection!”

Spear told NFBS that labor will be “donated” from the new Pendlewood Camp outside of Broken Springs, stating “there’s notsing zat I love more zan camps. After all, you Americans zend people to camps, right? Dat’s vot we did...we zent zome nice people to camp...mostly in ze summer.”

Chaddwick defended the costs of restructuring the Public School football field. “You cannot possibly spend enough money to show appreciation to a man like Kingston, and this massive erection will be the perfect monument to the type of leadership that he has provided for the good citizens of Broken Springs, many of them female.”

Broken Springs critic Troublemaker Bob has decried this effort, stating, “Where is this so-called ‘free labor’ coming from? I have tried to contact Jac Davies, the commandant of Pendlewood Camp, but they continually tell me that he is in ‘another country regarding negotiations with Allan Spear and Adolf Hartler’...something funny is going on here. And, have you noticed that the french fries at some of our local dining establishments taste a little strange lately?”

Chaddwick rebutted Troublemaker Bob’s charges by stating that “Davies is merely attempting to help the economy of Broken Springs by providing this free labor. As to the french fries, I can tell you that I personally cannot tell the difference, and I have done extensive taste tests in all of our dining establishments...many times.”

The Rally for Kingston will be proceeded by a March of the Chaddwick Youth through the streets of Broken Springs, according to President Chaddwick. The Rally will feature a “webpage burning” (with printed pages of Troublemaker Bob’s anti-Kingston website and the Onoyoko Citizens webpage being burned); speeches by Adolf Hartler, Allan Spear, and Chief Kingston; and a dramatic torchlight march by the “Friends of Jim Kingston” organization at midnight.

Citizens of Broken Springs are required to attend; those not in attendance will be provided with a free two-week stay at Pendlewood Camp for “education purposes,” according to Chaddwick.

(Above: Allan Spear’s design for the upgrade of the Broken Springs’s football field)

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