Wednesday, August 29, 2007

True Story

One hot summer day, a Broken Springs local came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into Coyote's Watering Hole for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a Broken Springs cop came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The man said that it was his.

The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The Broken Springs man replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool cause I got 'er tied under the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be bred.

"No way," the said the man, "My dog don't need bread, she's not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The man looks at the cop and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

Monday, August 20, 2007

Hi and Low-Lights from the Broken County Youth Fair

It’s that time of year again. Did everyone enjoy the fair? Me neither. I had such a rotten time the first time I was there, I went back again, which either means I’m a masochist or I lead a very dull life. Perhaps a bit of both. But if you were one of the lucky ones who didn’t attend this year’s fair, here is what you didn’t miss.

By far the best part of this year’s fair - and this is a little sad - was the APA pool booth in Commercial Building #3. As some of you may already know, I’ve been an APA member for four years and counting and any place with a pool table is like Heaven to me. John Easton, local league operator, runs a Fast Rack Contest that’s free to try every four hours. If you can make six balls in the least amount of time, you win a free tee shirt with the approximate value of $1.49. Well, I’m not fast at anything I do, except tending bar, and least of all pool. I play slower than a handicapped snail crawls, so I was mighty proud of my best score of 35 seconds. Unfortunately it wasn’t fast enough to win a shirt. I was beat by a carnie named Dave. And despite my best efforts, John resisted my pleadings for a tee shirt, which means I’m gonna have to sucker some poor soul into strip pool some night - all because John Easton is being stingy with his tee shirts. Either that or I could wait a couple months and find one on the racks of Goodwill.

The few times I ventured away from the pool table booth at the fair, I wandered around the animal barns, where I saw many interesting things.

The goat pens are getting smaller and smaller every year. This one here couldn’t have been more than 2x2, with barely enough room to stand up, let alone lay down. It almost made me want to call the ASPCA. But then I wandered over to the rabbit barn, where not only were the rabbits penned up claustrophobically, but they were also made to listen to the music of Toby Keith on the barn‘s speaker system. Talk about torture! There was no listening to anything in the chicken/duck/and turkey barn, other than a bunch of roosters with time deficient biological clocks. They were cock-a-doodle dooing all night long. It was enough to make the ducks quack up.

This two legged goat was a big attraction. According to his sign, he was born next to the Crook Nuclear Plant. Sadly, I heard that the five legged sheep died on its way to the Fair. Bless his five hearts.

These Siamese Goats were joined at the neck.

I found a horse with a hairdo much like my own. And that’s not all we had in common. Apparently at some point in her past, she’d slept with a total ass. Her bastard mule wasn’t getting any attention in the “Wonders of Birth” barn, but I thought he was cute.

Other than animals, the Broken County Youth Fair has the same crappy rides every year, and the same high priced food. The only exception is the Fiends of Broken Springs Korn Dog Stand, which was the busiest food joint there. In all, the beau-friend and I consumed thirteen korn dogs, not counting the one I’m having genetically tested at the lab as we speak. The Fiends of Broken Springs will not release the recipe for their infamous korn dogs, but I’ll discover the secret ingredient if it kills me.

I was glad to see the Republican Building even less busy than the Health Department's STD tent. Does that mean that even conservative Broken County is waking up and smelling the goat's milk?

The Historical Building was a disappointment this year. Last year this building had information about the House of David and the history of the Fairgrounds property. This year the entire building was basically a poster contest of fair families genealogies, whose only intention seemed to be gaining sympathy for third and fourth generations of fair volunteers. The only thing that puzzled me is that everyone in these pictures were smiling gleefully and not weeping uncontrollably.

All in all, I’m looking forward to next year’s fair, if only to make a killing at my rival korn dog stand.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Thanks for the Memories, the Heartache, and the Trauma

Former Broken Springs Police Chief James Earl Kingston was recently honored for his 30 plus years of disservice to the community of Broken Springs. Nine friends and 32 relatives met at the Divided Unitarian Church to pay tribute to Broken Springs’s longest serving top cop, who was recently canned by the Township Board for being an inadequate piece of horse manure.

The former Chief received many cards, gifts, handshakes, and pinches on the butt from the sitting room only crowd last Wednesday night.

Shockingly we at NFBS were not invited to this prestigious event. Apparently the Broken Springs Post Office lost our invitation in the mail, an unfortunate error that will not be forgotten during the Christmas tip season. We’re sure the Kingston Klan regrets the error, and their letter of apology has also unfortunately suffered the same un-received fate as the original invite. We’re sure our presence (and presents) were sorely missed. Despite the mistake, we will report the highlights of the six hour long tribute, as reported to us from the tape recorder we planted under the church’s alter.

Former Broken Springs Cop Daniel Shame presented Jimmy with a walker that doubles as a TV tray, with which Jim can use to eat his beans and weanies without ever missing a single spin of the Wheel of Fortune.

Local Veternarian Phillip Wrecht presented the former Chief with three dozen unwanted cats and dogs from his animal hospital, almost all of which were spayed and neutered, just like Kingston himself.

Sheriff Paul Bunion invited Jim to wear a brown uniform after January 1st. When asked later if he’d consider the option, Kinston told us he’d rather work for Fed Ex than UPS.

Janice Wisealeck shared a story about a time before cops gave out tickets for mufflers that dragged on the ground. She said Jimmy once “negro-rigged” her parent’s muffler with his own two hands and for that he will always be a gentleman in her heart. And the bill he sent them later for eighty dollars was very reasonable, she added.

Longtime friend and brown-noser Chuck Flint praised Kingston for having the courage to play sports in his youth, despite being a small little weakling who would later grow up to don a holster and a gun to compensate for his size inadequacies.

Carol Gilman presented the former Chief with a red, white, and blue quilt that she started back when Jimmy was a mere patrolman and he once let her slide out of a speeding ticket when she only had three minutes to get to Slaters Supermarket before they closed. The colors of the quilt are symbolic, according to Gilman. Red represents the blood of his enemies someday filling the streets of Broken Springs. White represents Kingston’s superior race and ethnicity, and blue signifies his temperament after being forced into early (yet profitable) retirement.

And octarian Karen Plug commended the size of Kingston’s package, particularly around the holidays when he’d deliver his packages to all the needy people in Broken Springs.

Had we been at the ceremony we would have presented the former Chief with a distinction that goes something like this:

Thank you Jim Kingston for all the inspiration you gave us to report your many wonderful accomplishments.

Thank you for not registering Operation Christmas Care Bear with the state of Michigan, thereby having an otherwise reputable charity investigated by the state police not once but two times.

Thank you for unlawfully cashing the taser donation checks which you solicited before the purchase of tasers was even approved by the police commission.

Thank you for not holding former Officer Daniel Shame responsible for his childlike antics, from illegally searching minors to his bow and arrow target practice in a different township while on duty and being paid by the taxpayers to keep the streets of Broken Springs safe from people like himself.

Thank you for taking part in the political campaign of Jan Chaddwick while you were on medical leave. Thank you for keeping that black man running against her in his proper place, which is under the heal of the white man in power.

Thank you for using an accurate descriptive word for the entire black race, while in their company in a local restaurant. Thank you for saying it loud enough for them to hear and be offended. Thank you for then admitting it to the Herald Republican.

Thank you for purchasing and using an illegal Bionic Ear to spy on potential criminals in our quaint little town.

Without terrific qualities such as these there would be no NFBS.

But most of all, thank you for helping to shut down that pesky read-by-no-one online rag called the Urinal Era. Had you not helped to shut that first amendment protected website down, News from Broken Springs, which is currently read daily by dozens, might never have been born, and you wouldn’t be reading this here and now.

You were truly an inspiration, Jim. We’ll never ever forget you.