Thursday, July 28, 2005
When you relieve your morning wood in the shower, we are working. When you stub your toe in the middle of the night while getting up to pee because you had a few too many Michelob Lights the night before, we are working. When the 3/5 bank is being robbed two blocks away, we are eating breakfast in Dicki’s restaurant. Why? Because it is what we do.
Despite our dedication and service to the fair people of Broken Springs, there will always be some complaining about how we aren’t fair to children, to womenfolk, or to coloreds. We are always being watched, poked, and prodded in our profession, and because we are human (allegedly), we sometimes makes mistakes, like that time I illegally detained a black man with no probable cause (other than the obvious) as he handed out fliers for his campaign during the last Village Council election.
On Tuesday, August 2nd you will be asked to vote for a millage supporting the current operation of the police department. This vote is not about tasers (which are set to be approved whether or not the millage passes) and it is not about Chief Jim Kingston, whose current criminal troubles in no way taint his sparkling reputation amidst our community. It is about whether or not you want the police to answer when the dispatcher calls out to 3911 after you’ve blown two big holes in the torso of the tresspasser on your porch, who turned out to be your next door neighbor just wanting to borrow a cup of sugar. It’s about whether or not you want the red, white, and blue chip police force there to help you tidy up your quality of life problem, in this case, help sponge up the blood stains from your porch and feed the body to the pig farm down the road. We are here to protect your quality of life. Because it is what we do.
We work around the clock 24/7, on holidays, and during bad weather, all to serve and protect the public, many of whom spit in our faces and make oink oink noises whenever we approach. We squeeze into our uniforms and leave our wives and kids at home in order to take to the streets of this pathetic little town, er I mean this Eden of small communities, and whenever you need us or your neighbor needs us, we’ll be along, just as soon as we’ve finished sipping our coffee at Subway or scratching our tickets at Speedway. Why? Because it is what we do.
Some misguided and obsessed people are misleading the public about what this vote is really about. It is not about Jim Kingston, however even if it was about Kingston, it’s important for everyone to know that by unanimous vote, the members of the Broken Springs Police Officers Union #505 passed a resolution supporting the chief’s operation of the department. The personal attacks against him and his family are shameful, done by shameful people, who should be ashamed of themselves. Kingston and several officers have been harassed by a certain group of citizens and township board members, who ought to be ashamed of themselves for not falling in step with the rest of the adoring public. These people are Satanists living in a Christian community.
I want to thank each and every one of you (except for those harassing shameful Satanists who disagree) for reading. And I want to thank you in advance for passing the millage on August 2nd, because we all know that despite the vote count, it will pass with flying red, white, and blue chip colors.
BS Police Officers Union #505
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Porky Pig ("If the millage fails, that's all folks")
Bert and Ernie
Barney the Dinosaur ("I love you, you love me, vote yes please for your family.")
Daffy Duck ("Defeating the millage would be despicable")
Lassie (there were four of them, ya know)
Fred Sandford (and Son) ("If the millage fails, I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth!")
Dale Earnhartd Sr.
Richard Nixon ("I am not a Sidewalk Supervisor")
Garth Brooks ("I've got friends in low places, like down at the BS police station.")
Cary Grant ("Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn but I'll vote for it anyway.")
Tom Cruise ("Millage opposers are all pseudo scientists.")
Sodom and Gommorah
Sherlock Holmes ("Elementary, my dear Broken Springers.")
Edgar Allen Poe ("Once upon a midnight dreary, our current budget is weak and weary.")
Mark Twain aka Samuel Clemens
Shakespeare ("I will support the millage Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...")
Queen Liz II
Bill Clinton ("I did not have sexual relations with that millage.")
The Brady Bunch
Diana Ross ("RESPECT, tell you what it means to me... more money for our cops, that's what it means.")
Jack Nicholson ("You can't handle a defeated millage")
Calvin and Hobbes
Decartes ("I think therefore I support the millage.")
Tweety Bird ("B-dee b-dee, b-dee, I taught I saw a Buttinsky.")
Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Geico Gecko
Taco Bell dog ("You quiero polico millage.")
Billy Ray Cyrus ("Won't you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart that the millage passes.")
Rodney King ("Can't we all just get along and pass this millage?")
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
The items will soon go on display to any BS resident willing to fork over a good chunk of his paycheck to view the relics in the 1831 Broken Springs Historical Courthouse.
The artifacts include an iron set of handcuffs, an antique Bionic Ear, and a set of checks from the First National Bank of Broken Springs. Expensive tests to determine the age of the artifacts will take about two weeks but local historians are guessing they are nearly 125 years old, judging from the date on the check.
The set of old handcuffs are thought to have been once used by Broken Springs very first abusive policeman, Benjamin Shame, whose great grandson Daniel now serves faithfully on the force. The prehistoric Bionic Ear is assumed to be the first eavedropping device made in the entire county, and first ever used locally (to gather the details of Adeline Gordon‘s messy divorce).
But the artifact with the most historical significance was inside a brittle envelope stained yellow over time. Enclosed were three checks from the First National Bank made out to the Broken Springs Police, totaling the amount of $314. Historians say that these checks are probably the same ones that came up missing during the community’s squabble over whether or not the police should carry guns. Then Police Chief Theophilus Nole had collected private funds to purchase the firearms, but had accidentally lost the donated monies in his very disorganized desk. According to the March 13 1881 Journalistic Error, he later insisted to the Police Commission that he’d merely forgotten about the checks and had deposited them before the April meeting. That was when the checks mysteriously came up missing and have been lost for the last 124 years.
Keen observers at the scene of the excavation noted that the date on the checks is January 14, 1881, contradicting the late Chief’s story about the whereabouts of the funds.
Further excavations of the site are planned, and expected to be funded by private donations to the police department which will probably get lost on a desk and then get deposited illegally before disappearing until the year 2129.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Crucial to NFBS's beliefs is the freedom of expression, which has also been a victim locally in a number of different ways from outright censorship to the refusal to print letters to the editor in local papers. Make no mistake about it, though NFBS may laugh about the issues, the reality here is no laughing matter. That is why we encourage everyone to vote NO on the police millage August 2nd. Another mill would tax individuals approximately $75 on top of the outrageous taxes we already pay. We realize that times are tough, but we currently have a state investigation into the accounting procedures of our police department and this is no time to be giving them even more money when they can't account for the money they already have.
NFBS occassionally accepts submissions from readers. Rules for submissions are as follows:
- Stories must be original and not the property of anyone else. Feel free to parody real news if so inclined, but try to have an underlying point to your story.
- Stories must never include real names. Feel free to use the names already supplied in previous stories or just create ones of your own.
- NFBS reserves the right to edit or reject any story submitted.
- Submissions should be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include the word "Submission" in the subject line of your email.
- And please indicate whether or not and how you'd like to be given credit for the piece. You may include a byeline, either real or fake. NFBS will protect your identity. If you're still paranoid (we don't blame you) there are some tools on the internet you can use to protect your anonymosity. My Trash Mail offers a free anonymous mail service, as does this website. Using those two services will prevent anyone from tracing your email IP.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Monday night Broken Springs Onoyoko Township Police were again accused of racism, this time in the distribution of volts from their taser stun guns. According to a large group of white residents, the local police force unfairly stun blacks and minorities more than they do caucasians. The Police Commission heard allegations of discrimination from many BS residents, who believe they haven’t yet been tasered simply because they happen to be white.
“It’s not fair,” said one old white guy as he thumped his cane on the floor. “I jaywalk every single day. And when I do use the crossing lines, I ignore the flashing sign completely. But have I been tasered? Not once, I’m telling you. But if you’re black, then you get tasered all the time and for no reason at all! They have it so easy. Why do they deserve special treatment? Just because they’re black?”
The man’s wife also pleaded on his behalf. “The only reason I voted for the millage was so we could get tasered every now and again. The doctor won’t give Harry any more Viagra, and without those 50,000 volts jumping through him, I may as well send him off in a pine box to push up the roses in Daisy Hill Cemetery. He’s lived in Broken Springs all his life, and never once has been subject to any preferential treatment by our police officers. The closest he ever came was when the drug dog stuck his nose in his crotch after Harry had spilled some sugar on his trousers. He’s never been beat up or sexually molested. He’s never even been illegally frisked by an officer with wandering hands. It’s a travesty, I’m telling you. Time‘s running out for him, and there are only so many heinous crimes an 88 year old man can commit.”
The Commission responded to the gentleman’s concerns by urging him to contact Chief Kingston to arrange a meeting in order to resolve the matter. But Kingston cautioned him, “There is no guarantee that you’ll be tasered. In the last year only one adult white male has been tasered and only because he drove around town with that ‘Fire Jim’ bumper sticker on his car. But I’m sure we can come to some nice compromise like a couple swipes of our nightsticks to knock out a couple false teeth, or something along those lines.”
An Hispanic resident voiced similar concerns over the taser policy because it violated his wife’s equal right to be electrocuted with 50,000 volts. According to the Taser policy drawn up by Commission Attorney Amnesia, the prongs of a taser must be removed by a same sexed officer. Since BS has no female cops, the police force has had no other option than to taser only men. “My wife, she’s a real women’s libber,” says Jose Hernandoze. “The other night when me and Paco had a couple too many tequilas at the tavern and tried to drive my El Dorado home on the wrong side of the road, Officer Shame tasered the hell out of me until I sobered up. But when my wife bailed me out the next morning, boy was she loco when she saw the marks on my chest. So she sent me here tonight to complain about the current policy, which she calls sexist and discriminatory.”
Current unwritten policy, according to Chief Jim, is to only taser people whom it is necessary to restrain. “It just so happens that white men are much easier to restrain than ni… er, I mean black men because they’re usually smaller, weaker, and more respectful of authority,” he explained to the commissioners who were seen nodding in agreement. “Women, unfortunately, cannot be tasered because if one of us fellers accidentally brushed a nipple while removing the prongs, we’d be sued for sexual harassment. And trust me, we don’t want to go through that again.”
The Commission told Mr. Hernandoze that until Broken Springs hires a female cop, there was no changing the status quo. “I’m sorry, sir,” said Village President Jan Chaddwick, “But if your wife really needs to get tasered, I recommend she do what I do… find a Catholic church across the county line and flash her teats during Mass.”
Commission Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust tried quelling concerns of discrimination near the end of the meeting. “We do our best to be fair,” he said. “But sometimes we fall short of perfection. I think the Broken Springs cops do the best job they can of tasering people across racial and gender lines. And even if they don’t taser everyone who wants or deserves to be tasered, they manage to provide some of us with enough satisfaction.”
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Recently, local buttinski-in-chief Troublemaker Bob has alleged that Police Chief Kingston is responsible for inefficiency and waste in our local Police Department. I am concerned that, unless something is done, more and more of our local residents may be dazed and confused by what certainly appears to be a compelling case against Chief Kingston. Accordingly, I have made the difficult decision to release some previously classified information.
In one of the intelligence briefings that I receive from Chief Kingston first thing every morning (when I'm in bed, Chief Jim is hard at work) it was clearly established that many of Bob's cast of shady co-conspirators are the same so-called "concerned-citizens" who, despite living in raw sewage up to their eyeballs, fought like rabid animals to prevent our beautiful community from getting the new sewage rendering plant Broken Springs so desperately needs (our current plant has been mere seconds away from failure for several years now). I can confidently tell you that if not for this loud and obnoxious little band of buttinskies, I personally would have seen to it that our new sewer plant was up and running long ago. What does any of this have to do with Police Chief K and his waste and inefficiency, you may well ask. Let me explain it to you. You may have read recently in the Journalistic Error about the Broken Springs Streetscape project, and how we received some grant money from the state to help pay for this project. What the article didn't tell you is that planning for this project began years ago, and that the original plan called for putting free public toilets on every street corner in Broken Springs (we had to drop this proposal from the final solution because our engineer - Fleece M. Tildeybroke - informed me our old plant simply can't handle a big load). If I had been able to implement the project as originally planned, it would have caused an explosion in local tourism, because senior citizens would have flocked here in droves, knowing that they need never fear being caught short. This in turn would have caused a local economic boom. Existing businesses would have been revitalized (for example, cash-strapped local fruit farmers could have replaced their old, unprofitable apple orchards with plum trees, to meet the growth in local demand for prunes: an added benefit is that this would have helped preserve local farmland). And new businesses would have opened to accomodate the demand for new goods and services from senior citizens (24-hour hearing-aid repair, and geritol smoothie stands, for example). This boom in local business would of course have increased our local tax base exponentially. Long story short, as a result we wouldn't have needed an additional police millage, the current millage would have provided sufficient funds to cover all of Chief Kingston's unauthorized expenditures (including his forays into the distressed flare market). What the heck, we probably would have been offering property tax refunds/rebates by now. So you see, my fellow Broken Springers, it's a provable fact. All this talk about inefficiency and waste in our local police department being caused by Chief Kingston is just a smoke screen. Troublemaker Bob and his know-nothing friends are just trying to hide the fact that they are the ones who have made it necessary to ask for a millage increase.
Earlier, I referred to the daily intelligence briefings I receive from Chief Kingston. Because of security concerns, I cannot share all of the information in those briefings with you, the mere public. However, I can tell you that I have learned that the terrorist threat posed by Troublemaker Bob and his band of buttinskies is a real and present danger to each and every resident of our fair community. Apparently, people from all walks of life in Broken Springs are beginning to question authority, and demand meaningful answers to deep, probing questions. Now normally, I'm not averse to a little deep probing, if it's done by the right person(s). In this case, however, unless something is done immediately, this contagion will spread, and more and more residents will begin to scrutinize my every move and every word with a hostile eye (and as Ms. Ostrich astutely noted, no one in Broken Springs can withstand that kind of scrutiny). If, God forbid, that was to happen, not only will everything I have worked so hard to accomplish during my protracted term of office be threatened, the privileged life I have been able to enjoy throughout that term of office will also be jeopardized. In turn, each and every one of you will also be threatened. How? If I am no longer in office, there will be no one to dictate enactment of local laws and ordinances to specify the petty offenses and infractions that Chief Kingston and I rely on to control the undesirable elements that make up an ever-larger percentage of our once pure, clean and white community. That simply cannot be allowed to happen. We must all work together to stop this creeping menace now! That is why I have asked our local congressman, Fred Upstart, to see if Broken Springs can get a Department of Homeland Security or similar Federal grant to establish our own website to combat these scurrilous local terrorists. Our community needs a forum to expose each and every one of you to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, as Chief Kingston and I see it.
Next, I'd just like to say a word or two about Chief Kingston's tireless public service. Troublemaker Bob and company go beyond the pale when they belittle the many selfless actions of our beloved local Chief Kingston. When it comes to public service, Chief Kingston is truly without peer. This is particularly true when it comes to "women's issues." I know for a fact that Chief Kingston has done more to service the needs of more of our local female residents than any other local public official. He is literally willing to work around the clock (and would not hesitate to go around the world) to satisfy a local woman's needs if the situation required it. Furthermore, I have not had one local woman approach me and say anything negative about her experience with Chief Kingston. On the other hand, I've had so many local women say to me, "Chief Kingston isn't like our other police officers: you get an immediate response from him. It only takes a little gentle oral persuasion and Chief Kingston will come through for you over and over again. Why don't they just leave this superfine man alone?" I agree wholeheartedly. I should add that in my personal experience, I have always found Chief Kingston willing and eager to drop whatever he might be working on and pop by Chez Chaddwick (day or night) for a "quickie" consultation when an urgent need arises. The problem is, Chief Kingston's critics just don't know him the way so many of us do. Yes, he can sometimes be hard when the situation demands it, but we know that most of the time he's just an old "softie." Still, us local gals know that we can always count on our little Jimmy to rise to the occasion when needed. That's more than can be said about that worthless Troublemaker Bob.
Finally, I just want to express my appreciation to Chief Kingston's lovely wife. Not only is she a close personal friend, she is a valued colleague in local government: one who I can always depend on to immediately do exactly what I command. Furthermore, I want to publicly thank her for having the patience and understanding to allow Chief Kingston to spend so much time away from his family performing his many selfless public service acts. Our community is fortunate that Chief Kingston is married to a woman who is perceptive enough to realize that permitting him to be out performing those many touching, feeling acts night after night allows him to receive a special type of gratification he would never get if he was forced to stay at home with his family. Not every wife would so graciously allow her husband to minister continuously to the needs of others. Her forbearance tells you a lot about the type of man Chief Kingston is. I know that I speak for everyone who has been privileged to have been touched in some way by Chief Kingston when I say that our lives have been more fulfilled because we have known him.
(NFBS again wishes to thank the ever vigilant Bugs Funny for rummaging through the Mayor's trash and piecing this letter together like a jigsaw puzzle)
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Broken Springs Onoyoko Township Police Officer Daniel Shame is always looking for innovative ways to keep the good citizens of Broken Springs safe. Most recently, he has been a vocal advocate of providing local police with Tasers. Now he is on a new mission.
Officer Shame has requested that the Police Commission authorize Chief Kingston to provide special "elevator shoes" manufactured by the Walking Tall Shoe Company(which has more than 30 years of experience in designing and manufacturing footwear to meet the special needs of law enforcement professionals) to every Broken Springs Onoyoko Township Police Officer. Officer Shame made the unprecedented request during a recent "closed meeting" of the Police Commission. Police Commission Attorney Charles Amnesia had authorized the unusual step of granting Shame's request for a "closed meeting." Attorney Amnesia authorized the closed meeting because, in his opinion, in order to properly evaluate the merits of the requests that Officer Shame intended to make, the Commission might have to review certain aspects of Shame's performance, which could be construed as a "not inconsequential" personnel evaluation of Officer Shame.
In his presentation to the Commission, Officer Shame provided several justifications for his request. First, he claimed that providing elevator shoes would help officers better serve and protect the decent, hard-working white folks in Broken Springs. After noting that many 12 year old black girls are larger than he is, Officer Shame stated, "Anything which will make me appear bigger helps to keep me safer when I have to handle some young female threatening to attack me. And of course, when your police officers are safer, each and every one of you is safer too."
A second benefit to elevator shoes, according to Shame, is that they'd help restore the Police Department's tarnished public image. "The horrible truths that Troublemaker Bob has revealed about how Chief Kingston runs our department have lowered the public's estimation of us," Officer Shame complained. "If we artificially increased the stature of every officer in our department, everyone in the community would have to look up to us once again."
Finally, Officer Shame noted the economic benefits utilizing elevator shoes would provide. "With elevator shoes, our officer's posture will improve. Better posture means fewer health problems. Furthermore, the additional height from elevator shoes will give our officers more self-confidence: a new feeling of positive well being. That in turn will reduce stress." According to Shame, better health and less stress will result in a number of benefits, including reducing the number of sick days being taken by local law enforcement officers, and a corresponding reduction in the number of work-related claims filed against the department's health insurance carrier. Officer Shame argued that the reduced personnel costs resulting from the use of elevator shoes would more than offset the cost of providing them, thereby resulting in big savings for the cash-strapped department.
In concluding his presentation, Officer Shame noted that if the Commission was willing to authorize spending a slightly larger amount to cover the cost of acquiring elevator shoes with steel "safety toes", two additional benefits were possible. The first was "hardening" the department against attacks from local terrorists like Troublemaker Bob. "As you know, Troublemaker Bob and his unprincipled friends have been stepping on a lot of toes around town lately," said Officer Shame, "including those of some law enforcement personnel. The damage from those attacks is beginning to cripple our ability to effectively control the local population the way we used to. Walking Tall(TM) footwear with safety toes would help to prevent any further damage to our hardworking law enforcement personnel from Troublemaker Bob's attacks." According to Officer Shame, the second benefit would be the safety-toe shoes ability to give local law enforcement personnel another non-lethal method for neutralizing local troublemakers, particularly when used in conjunction with the future Tasers. "We can use the 50,000 volts of electricity generated by the Tasers to drop a troublemaker in his tracks, then subdue him with our safety-toe footwear by kicking him while he's down," said Officer Shame. "That's a much more humane technique than shooting them with a gun."
During questioning by Commission members, Officer Shame denied that his request had anything to do with the fact that studies have repeatedly shown that women find bigger men significantly more desirable. The primary reason for his request, Shame told the Commission, was his desire to improve his on-the-job performance. "I'm asking you to give me the kind of tool I need to do my job properly," said Shame. "By making me look and feel bigger and stand more erect, elevator shoes will give me the confidence to discharge my duty more effectively," he contested. Officer Shame added that another reason for his request was his belief that elevator shoes would enable him to more closely follow the fine example set by Chief Kingston. "With elevator shoes, I could add approximately 3 inches to my current diminutive size," Shame stated. "Then I would be able to look down on almost everyone, just like Chief Kingston does."
Police Commission member Jan Chaddwick was an ardent supporter of Officer Shame's request. She told the Commission that her support was the result of discussions she had previously had with Chief Kingston. "After a brief period of feeling each other out, we engaged in a penetrating examination of every possible position, and I came to the conclusion that bigger is better," Chaddwick explained. Chaddwick also noted that she supported Shame's request because, as she stated, "I've had a lot of local women tell me he isn't big enough to do the job right." Finally, Commissioner Chaddwick noted that she agreed with Officer Shame's contention that elevator shoes would be a good investment, observing that, "If our local Police Department had bigger, more erect members, it would be good for community relations."
Commission member Sandra Brown-Knowes indicated that, because of the budgetary problems that the Police Department currently faces, she had initially struggled with this matter. Brown-Knowes told the other Commissioners that, despite her initial misgivings, she ultimately decided to support approving Officer Shame's request, because, "As always, I find I have to agree 100% with the opinions expressed by Commissioner Chaddwick." Commissioner Brown-Knowes concluded her remarks by inquiring about the possibility of providing a size increase in excess of 3 inches. She indicated that she was raising this point because, "In Officer Shame's case, some of the comments I have heard around town lead me to question whether adding 3 inches will be enough to enable him to perform satisfactorily."
Officer Shame responded that it was possible to add over 3 inches in size, but that doing so was very expensive. Accordingly, in his opinion, the cost of attaining that additional size far outweighed the benefit.
Police Commission Chairman Hildecrust stated that he appreciated the time and effort that Officer Shame had put into researching his presentation. "However," Hildecrust observed, "I believe we should let the public decide whether they want our Police Department to have bigger members." Chairman Hildecrust concluded his remarks with, "Unless the police millage passes, we just don't have the funds to give every officer elevator shoes, so I'm recommending that the Commission table this matter until after the election." Although Commissioner Chaddwick objected strenously, the Commission voted 3 to 2 in favor of temporarily tabling the matter.
After the Commission voted on Officer Shame's request for new footwear, the Commission considered Shame's request to be reimbursed for the cost of purchasing a replacement for his recently-stolen Duran Duran CD. After observing that Officer Shame had left the previous CD unattended in an unlocked vehicle while he "checked out" a teenage girl who was staying alone for the weekend, Chairman Hildecrust told Shame that in order to prevent this type of thing from happening again, after he got the new CD, he should "keep it in his pants." Commissioner Chaddwick objected, telling the Commission that in her opinion, "Officer Shame can put it anywhere he wants to." After a heated discussion, the Commission voted both to approve reimbursing Officer Shame for the cost of his new CD and to have Commission Attorney Amnesia draft a written policy to establish guidelines spelling out when Officer Shame has to keep it in his pants.
After the meeting adjourned, the patrol cars of Chief Kingston and Officer Shame were seen parked outside the Village Hall, where a light burned in President Chaddwick's office until early the next morning.
(NFBS thanks Bugs Funny for sniffing out the previous report)
Monday, July 11, 2005
Mrs. Jim must’ve picked out his tie this time. It seems to match his wedding ring.
Special guest appearance: Sheriff Paul Bunyon, who makes an impassioned speech that I dozed off listening to.
Chief Jim’s first sentence includes the phrase ‘come out and bite you.’ Methinks Chief Jim needs to lay off the Bela Lugosi movies.
The New Impala is fully operational, and on the street. Welcome New Impala, you are the newest member of the Broken Springs Police Department. Initiation involves having at least six officers urinate on your tires. But I’m sure you’ll be able to muster up the courage to pass with flying (red, white, and blue) colors.
The Tahoe went out in a blaze of glory. It was involved in a super duper police chase all the way into faraway Niles, and sustained four thousand dollars worth of damage. We can still, however, auction it off to some loser looking for a big backseat, and cut our losses.
Concerning the GAS issue, commission members pump out their ideas. Anthony’s University has extra gas and is willing to supply BS with more gas than they already do.
Some clever chap was selling airplane parts from Anthony’s University on Ebay. He wasn’t clever enough, however, to avoid getting caught. In his defense, his positive feedback is 100%, Anthony’s University first realized the problem when they noticed, in mid-flight, that the airplane only had one wing. Here is a re-enactment of that moment of discovery.
Pilot: “We keep flying around in circles, what could be the matter?”
Co-pilot (looking out the window): “Boss, we only have one wing.”
Pilot: “What the F***?”
Co-pilot: “I knew we shouldn’t have hired that Spic mechanic.”
In other offense news…
A fifteen year old from Niles stole a vehicle. The alleged thief was apparently from Niles. He was only fifteen. Oh, by the way, did we mention that the juvenile delinquent was from Niles? And that he was only fifteen?
A local house was arrested for its third drug offense. BS officers first noticed a problem when they saw smoke billowing out of its glassy windows. It also stood there in a drug induced daze and couldn’t remember where it put its garage. BS officers confiscated three entire milligrams of wacky tobacky, weed, hemp, and other assorted aliases from inside the house. The house’s owner, Mary Jane, had this comment after they confiscated her house, “Dude, where’s my house?”
A tornado barely missed BS during its Independence Day parade.
Try again, God. You missed.
Spock and Captain Kirk go back to school to learn how to pass love letters and put gum under desks. No wait, the school was for something else. But while sitting in the meeting, I was too distracted to hear, because right at that moment, someone passed me a love letter while I was sticking gum under my chair.
Oh, wrong again. It wasn’t a love letter. It was a one way ticket out of Broken Springs. How nice of them. I’ve sent it to the Chief, to show my appreciation.
Ernie Hildecrust wants a shooting range in the county, where police officers can practice missing their targets.
Everybody at the police station works “above and beyond” their call of duty, which makes it particularly difficult when they’re doing their duty while on duty.
The janitor at the station must also work “above and beyond” his duty. And when he does his duty, who cleans it up, I wonder?
He deserves the 3% raise, but only if he raises the toilet seat while doing his duty.
The commission has received anonymous letters of accused harassment. Imagine that. President Jan Chaddwick wishes to know who sent the anonymous letters, oblivious to the fact that if they were signed, they wouldn’t be anonymous anymore, now would they?
Members of the audience make similar accusations of harassment, against younger Broken Springers. Commission laughs off said accusations and reminisce of olden days when their '57 Chevys with fuzzy dice hanging from their mirrors cruised the local drive ins while three teens were packed like sardines in their trunk. When times were simpler, and cops wouldn’t search your vehicle because you had an air freshener hanging off your rearview mirror.
Lonna Jackson (both of her) supports the police department, just as faithfully as her Just My Size supports her, if you know what I mean…
Some loudmouthed woman in the front row accuses BS officer of going home while on duty. Chief Jim assures everyone the reason for these trips home were to retrieve his canine dog, who was, ironically enough, deceased at the time.
Police commission commends dead drug dog for going ‘above and beyond’ his call of duty.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
According to Shame, he had left the CD in his unlocked, running patrol car while he went into a local residence to check on a teenage girl whose parents were out of town for the weekend.
"I try to keep a close eye on all the young girls in our community, so this wasn't anything unusual for me" Shame told the Commission. "Once I got inside, it would take only a minute or two, so I didn't bother to turn my car off and lock it. I do this sort of thing all the time, and nothing like this has ever happened before."
Shame told the Commission he was entitled to claim a bereavement day because of the severity of the circumstances. "I have spent more time listening to that CD than I've spent with my family over the past five years. Losing it is like losing a member of the family," he said. Shame added that this particular CD "will be sadly missed and I hope to replace it as soon as possible. However, the copy that was stolen was a rare Czechoslovakian version of the CD, and I may never be able to find another one just like it."
Despite Shame's emotional presentation, the Police Commission ruled that he was not eligible for a bereavement day, and informed Shame that the day he did take off would be counted as one of his vacation days, which is a pity because he spent much of the day trying to get his boat out of the river, where it had gotten stuck in the mud.
Officer Shame did not return our 47 telephone calls seeking comment.
(NFBS wishes to thank Bugs Funny for this breaking news.)
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
A certain faction in Broken Springs are using the Taser issue as a weapon to scare people into voting down the police millage on August 2nd. Since a no vote would put my buddy Jim Kingston out of the job he‘s held for over three decades, I must encourage all citizens to support the millage to keep Broken Springs a stable and fair community full of like minded individuals who support their local leaders, no matter how corrupt they shall be.
Here is why the taser issue shouldn’t be an issue this election season:
The Broken Springs Police will only taser people who deserve to be tasered. This includes the faction of people encouraging others to vote down the millage, as well as those who naturally run afoul of the law. THIS IS WHY THEY DON’T WANT THE MILLAGE TO PASS.
Tasers will help safeguard our community against terrorists, not to mention other thugs who have quickly infiltrated our streets with gangs and violence, turning the great BS into a little Benton Harbor. In all of my seven decades of life, I’ve never seen such a degradation of local society as I’m now seeing in little Broken Springs.
Yet Broken Springs is virtually without any crime at all. And we have Chief Jim and his gang of moral law enforcers to thank for it. You can fearlessly walk down the street at night and the only people who notice is the BSPD, often trailing right behind you in their loyal pursuit of service and protection. And now this rebel faction of Broken Springs, by encouraging a no vote, wants to take my police protection away from me? Well, here is my message to them:
Do us all a favor and move to Iraq, where your nitpicking paranoia will result in the separation of your head from your body. Don’t forget to send us a postcard.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
I was recently misquoted by a reporter from one of the local newspapers (I won't say who the offending party was, but it most definitely was not that nice Cathy from the Journalistic Error: she always publishes everything I write for her, word for word), and I just want to set the record straight, once and for all.
During that recent interview, in the midst of one of my typically brilliant defenses of our local Police Chief Jim Kingston, I happened to mention that that tedious rabble-rouser Troublemaker Bob and his band of merry micromanagers were attempting to take over running the local Police Department. I was quoted as saying "That is extremely risky, [because w]e don't have the expertise or knowledge to do this. We have good leaders. Let them lead." That is not what I said at all. What I actually said was "That is extremely risky, because Troublemaker Bob and his friends don't have the expertise or knowledge to do this, whereas I do. I am a good leader. Let me lead." Friends, let me tell you, none of this foolishness we are currently going through would have happened if I was still head of the Police Commission. Faster than I can blow through a box of Krispy Kremes, I'd have this matter behind us and the local Police Department running as smoothly as the Village's project to replace its aging sewage rendering plant. This whole sorry mess is another example of what happens when you appoint an emasculated little old man (Onoyoko Charter Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust) to do a job which really calls for a big, strong young(ish) woman (me, of course).
I feel that I must address this matter, because my record of leadership can't speak for itself. Fortunately, when it comes to blowing things, I've had a lot of experience, so I feel comfortable blowing my own horn a little. My experience working in an important position in our outstanding local education system has taught me the importance of life-long learning: you can never know too much. That is why throughout my tenure in local government, I have been an unapologetic "know it all". As a result, I adopted the unorthodox "frigid but flexible" micromanagement style which has enabled me to personally oversee each and every detail (no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential) of every problem facing our wonderful community. I urge each and every resident of Broken Springs to examine the results my approach has yielded. When you look closely at what has been accomplished in Broken Springs while I have been in office, you'll be truly amazed. Time and time again I have made decisions which clearly demonstrate that, when it comes to local issues, no one else has the kind of expertise or knowledge that I have. I have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that no one else could ever come close to being the kind of leader that I am. Of course, you don't have to take my word for it: ask anyone who knows what's good for them. Ask one of your neighbors like that accomodating Judy Ostrich. Better yet, ask the Village Clerk (Chief Kingston's lovely wife), or any of my carefully hand-picked colleagues on the Village Council. They'll all tell you: without me, Broken Springs would not be in the condition it is today.
My friends, if you stop to think about it, you'll realize that the best thing that could possibly happen in our community would be a recall of Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust (a pathetic excuse for a leader if ever there was one) followed by my subsequent election as Township Supervisor. Although it might seem unusual for me to simultaneously serve as both Village President and Township Supervisor, I can assure you that I am no stranger to unusual positions. Furthermore, I'm confident there is no legal impediment to my holding both offices at the same time, because the Village's attorney, J.D. Frankfurtive, has looked into the matter, and after months of constant, daily research, has found nothing. The truth is, simultaneously holding both offices would be a big step toward realizing my life-long dream of streamlining local government by centralizing power in the right hands (mine, of course). Consolidating the two offices under my leadership would make local government far more efficient (for example, I wouldn't have to waste any more time putting that pathetic Ernie Hildecrust in his place again and again). If I held both offices, everyone's life would be simpler and better: everyone would know exactly who they had to answer to. Consolidating the two offices under my leadership would also create tremendous cost savings (for example, we would no longer need a separate, expensive, five-member Police Commission: I would make all police-related decisions unilaterally). In turn, those abundant savings would allow me to ensure your safety and well-being by continuing certain local practices which are currently under scrutiny (for example, Chief Kingston would be able to continue using his time-saving "minimal accountability" financial practices: police officers wouldn't be required to waste their time filling out silly things like expense reports and purchase requistion forms, thereby keeping valuable police man-hours free for truly vital tasks, such as protecting decent, God-fearing citizens from the likes of Troublemaker Bob).
My fellow Onoyoko Township residents, I've said it before. The solution to every problem our community currently faces is simple: let me lead. As I mentioned earlier, time and time again I have made decisions which clearly demonstrate that, when it comes to local issues, no one else has the kind of expertise or knowledge that I have. I've shown you what I can do to Broken Springs. I urge each and every one of you to give me the chance to do to Onoyoko Township what I've done to Broken Springs. Dump that loser Ernie Hildecrust and acknowledge my unique managerial abilities by electing me Township Supervisor. Once I simultaneously hold the offices of Township Supervisor and Village President, I am confident that in less time than it took me to go through that $500,000 settlement check from the Township, Chief Kingston and I (working closely together night and day) will be able to drive Troublemaker Bob and his malodorous mob of malicious malcontents from our fair community and have things in Broken Springs and Onoyoko Township once again heading the "right" way.
I hope this helps set the record straight.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Friends and Supporters of Police Chief Jim Kingston recently started a ribbon campaign to show loyalty to Broken Springs’s chief law enforcer, while he is under investigation for fraud by the state police.
The ribbons, which match the tie that Chief Jim wears to every police commission meeting, are striped with France’s national colors: red, white, and blue.
“Chief Jim couldn’t get into the military, see, which is why we chose French colors,” explains Denise Eastfall, the ‘Betsy Ross’ of her group in charge of sewing together the ribbons. “But I’m convinced that if Jim had been able to serve his country, he would’ve done so fearlessly and courageously. In fact, he probably wouldn’t be alive today because he probably would’ve stepped in front of a bullet to save a fellow soldier… unless he was black.”
Another supporter of the Chief, Ronald Jackson, has the red, white, and blue ribbons lining his tavern in town. Each liquor bottle has its own ribbon, and all employees are required to wear the colors while on duty intoxicating Broken Springs citizens. “I’m proud to tie one on for Jim. He’s a standup fellow who deserves all the support we can muster up,” said Jackson while killing a bottle of bourbon.
But some wrongly assume the red, white, and blue ribbons are to show support for our American military troops overseas. When asked if her ribbon was to show support for our troops, Journalistic Error editor Cathy Pullantoeifhehollerslethimgo said, “No, absolutely not. It’s to show support for our Police Chief.”
“So you don’t support the troops?” we asked.
“Of course, yes. We support the troops 100%, but they’re so far away. Of course we support them. Everybody supports them. But not everybody supports the Police Chief.”
“Doesn’t that create an awful lot of confusion,” we asked “with such similar looking ribbons representing two very different causes?”
She paused for a long moment, and then said, “Oh… I don’t know,” which is almost as much as her paper knows week to week.
Meanwhile, Broken Springs’s only French residents, Mr. And Mrs. Louis Marcel, have placed several of the ribbons on their Renault 4x4. They could not be directly reached for comment because when we knocked on their door, they were preoccupied in the bedroom. “Do your ribbons show support of Chief Jim?” we yelled through the window.
“Oui, oui!” yelled Mrs. Marcel, before a long and heavy sigh.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
“Well,” said the Chief, “It was so easy the last time. The commission worships the ground… er, I mean they realize how important it is to keep me happy because I’m such a vital and homegrown member of this community. Hell, they’ve even promised me and my boys tasers once this pesky millage passes. So I figure, if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.”
“He’s not asking for lemons,” said Broken Springs citizen known city wide only as Troublemaker Bob. “He’s asking for Lamborghinis”
Sources confirm that the Chief is indeed asking for Lamborghinis, 10 of them, painted red, white, and blue, but has offered to pay for the gas out of his own pocket, or quite possibly from the $5,000 of back vacation pay he recently received.
“Chief Kingston is so loyal and devoted to Broken Springs that he’s offered to supply his own gas. Not many would do that,” said the Chief’s mother in law, Liddie Bruehlman.
Contrary to Mrs. Bruehlman’s comment, we have learned that many BS public servants supply an endless supply of gas to their fellow citizens, whether requested or not. In fact, they often mask these contributions with allegations against the innocent sewer system.
But Mrs. Bruehlman’s point is not lost. By focusing on the negative, miscreants like Bob blind the public from realizing what a good idea Lamborghini patrol cars would be for the community. These faster than normal paddie wagons would be a great weapon to chase down all of Broken Springs’s twelve criminals, including Will in the wheelchair who often jaywalks. They would also look way cool with red and blue lights.
So does the Chief have a hope in Hell of actually getting the Lamborghinis? He remains optimistic. “Last time I asked for $21,000 and they gave me five thousand,” he says with a shrug. “So today I asked for Lamborghinis and I expect to get at least a half dozen Corvettes.”