Monday, July 11, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

Ms. Chaddwick’s wardrobe brought to you by Buchanan Tent and Awning.

Mrs. Jim must’ve picked out his tie this time. It seems to match his wedding ring.

Special guest appearance: Sheriff Paul Bunyon, who makes an impassioned speech that I dozed off listening to.

Chief Jim’s first sentence includes the phrase ‘come out and bite you.’ Methinks Chief Jim needs to lay off the Bela Lugosi movies.

The New Impala is fully operational, and on the street. Welcome New Impala, you are the newest member of the Broken Springs Police Department. Initiation involves having at least six officers urinate on your tires. But I’m sure you’ll be able to muster up the courage to pass with flying (red, white, and blue) colors.

The Tahoe went out in a blaze of glory. It was involved in a super duper police chase all the way into faraway Niles, and sustained four thousand dollars worth of damage. We can still, however, auction it off to some loser looking for a big backseat, and cut our losses.

Concerning the GAS issue, commission members pump out their ideas. Anthony’s University has extra gas and is willing to supply BS with more gas than they already do.

Some clever chap was selling airplane parts from Anthony’s University on Ebay. He wasn’t clever enough, however, to avoid getting caught. In his defense, his positive feedback is 100%, Anthony’s University first realized the problem when they noticed, in mid-flight, that the airplane only had one wing. Here is a re-enactment of that moment of discovery.

Pilot: “We keep flying around in circles, what could be the matter?”
Co-pilot (looking out the window): “Boss, we only have one wing.”
Pilot: “What the F***?”
Co-pilot: “I knew we shouldn’t have hired that Spic mechanic.”

In other offense news…
A fifteen year old from Niles stole a vehicle. The alleged thief was apparently from Niles. He was only fifteen. Oh, by the way, did we mention that the juvenile delinquent was from Niles? And that he was only fifteen?

A local house was arrested for its third drug offense. BS officers first noticed a problem when they saw smoke billowing out of its glassy windows. It also stood there in a drug induced daze and couldn’t remember where it put its garage. BS officers confiscated three entire milligrams of wacky tobacky, weed, hemp, and other assorted aliases from inside the house. The house’s owner, Mary Jane, had this comment after they confiscated her house, “Dude, where’s my house?”

A tornado barely missed BS during its Independence Day parade.
Try again, God. You missed.

Spock and Captain Kirk go back to school to learn how to pass love letters and put gum under desks. No wait, the school was for something else. But while sitting in the meeting, I was too distracted to hear, because right at that moment, someone passed me a love letter while I was sticking gum under my chair.

Oh, wrong again. It wasn’t a love letter. It was a one way ticket out of Broken Springs. How nice of them. I’ve sent it to the Chief, to show my appreciation.

Ernie Hildecrust wants a shooting range in the county, where police officers can practice missing their targets.

Everybody at the police station works “above and beyond” their call of duty, which makes it particularly difficult when they’re doing their duty while on duty.

The janitor at the station must also work “above and beyond” his duty. And when he does his duty, who cleans it up, I wonder?

He deserves the 3% raise, but only if he raises the toilet seat while doing his duty.

The commission has received anonymous letters of accused harassment. Imagine that. President Jan Chaddwick wishes to know who sent the anonymous letters, oblivious to the fact that if they were signed, they wouldn’t be anonymous anymore, now would they?

Members of the audience make similar accusations of harassment, against younger Broken Springers. Commission laughs off said accusations and reminisce of olden days when their '57 Chevys with fuzzy dice hanging from their mirrors cruised the local drive ins while three teens were packed like sardines in their trunk. When times were simpler, and cops wouldn’t search your vehicle because you had an air freshener hanging off your rearview mirror.

Lonna Jackson (both of her) supports the police department, just as faithfully as her Just My Size supports her, if you know what I mean…

Some loudmouthed woman in the front row accuses BS officer of going home while on duty. Chief Jim assures everyone the reason for these trips home were to retrieve his canine dog, who was, ironically enough, deceased at the time.

Police commission commends dead drug dog for going ‘above and beyond’ his call of duty.

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