Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Waterboarding: America's New Pastime

And now, a special treat for our regular readers…

Local Broken Springs resident Dick Commando illustrates why America is the land of the free and the home of the brave…

Dear Editor,

I’ve had it up to my bloodshot eyeballs with those Constitution loving, tree huggin’ “Americans” who can’t understand the imperative value of torture in today’s dangerous, terroristical society, where evil lurks in every dark corner. I’m also tired of “leaders” like Hugo Chavez stealing away our freedom of speech (like the immigrants do our jobs) only call our President an alcoholic Lucifer. We all know that Hillary’s the devil, not Bush.

Let me remind anyone bored enough to read my tedious tripe that America is so popular we have to build electric fences to keep people out, not the other way around. We’re the only real free country in the world, and most European countries, for example, wouldn’t know freedom if it bit them in their big, smelly noses. Freedom is the right to buy assault rifles that fire 100 rounds without having to reload, a right courageously defended by the NRA. Freedom is the right to drive a 4x4 Dodge Ram even if it does only get six miles per gallon of gasoline. It’s certainly safer than those European midget cars, assuming you can afford to drive it. We have a right to be dependant on oil. Had it not been for oil company profits, how else would our great Protector Bush have been elected to begin with?

We’re being called imperialistic war mongers by our many enemies around the globe, despite the fact that we only bomb on average one sovereign nation every decade. When we have properly spread democracy and McDonalds to Iraq, we’ll give back their nation status. Would Hitler do the same? Would Stalin? Or would they laugh at Bush’s imperialistic impotence?

Our own “countrymen” also whine about the NSA wiretapping program, as if it’s ever stepped on any personal civil liberties of anyone who didn’t already deserve a boot in their back. I’m still waiting for the herds of
that will never be brought up against the only true patriots among us, namely Saint Bush and his Homeland Security Officers.

Proving that even a broken clock is right twice a day, former “President” Clinton knew the importance of torture when he signed into law the Rendition Act, thereby inventing American torture policy. Nevermind that this same “President” showed his leftist leanings when he ratified the UN’s 1985 Convention Against Torture. That was only for show, like when he went to church. Being married to Hillary, Bill knew a thing or two about torture. And I, for one, applaud his courageous actions.

Terrorists do not deserve rights, nor do suspected terrorists, nor does anyone who believes that terrorists or suspected terrorists (as defined by the Patriot Act) ought to be protected from any torture we inflict on them. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the Constitution applies to non-citizens or anyone who doesn’t fly an American flag 24/7. Nor should the Geneva Convention apply to anyone other than Americans, and by Americans I mean of course those who correctly value security over liberty. Some argue that if we do not hold to the standards of the Geneva Convention, then our boys are more apt to be tortured themselves. To that I say: TESTICLES! Even John McCain would laugh at that assumption.

The ACLU, despite it being a staunch defender of this website, also defends those who burn flags. ACLU members should stop burning the flag and start burning the Constitution, which has been used merely as an instrument for Liberals to impede national security. When will people realize that the Constitution was penned by our Founding Fathers as a way to make America just as strong as the country from which it rebelled? It is not, as liberal educators teach, a document whose purpose is to protect the citizens from its government. Defenders of “civil liberties” only help erode the biggest liberty of all, our nation’s right to be strong and secure.

We must rise up as a country to defeat the evil known as terrorism, even if it means attacking an occasional sovereign nation under false pretenses and waging an occasional never ending war which some say makes us weaker and more susceptible to terrorism. But the cowardly John Kerrys of the world who insist that we must cower to the pacifists, cutting and running with our tail between our legs haven’t any better ideas about how to protect us. A military genius (who remains nameless for reasons obvious to anyone who looks him up) once said, “Strength lies not in defense but in attack.” Those who whine about being too aggressive in protecting America’s right to security simply don’t deserve America’s security.

Dick Commando

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Township Council Pines for Tree Solution

If the electric company cuts down a tree in the township and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

The Onoyoko township board certainly did Tuesday night, as they discussed the right to cut down trees with the community affairs official for IMP (Indiana Michigan Power). It wouldn’t be going out on a limb to say that several council members are barking mad at the company’s tree trimming and removal procedures.

IMP’s community affairs officer Harry Palms was caught off guard at the monthly meeting, as questions many residents and township council members threw his way left him looking stumped and a bit like a sap. He defended his company’s program, insisting that careful tree trimming and removal is both necessary and crucial in serving over a hundred thousand customers who swamp the phone lines every time their microwave’s clock needs to be reset. Citing an example of another such inconvenience, Palm explained, “We recently removed a tree whose roots had intertwined with the village’s new sewer system. Boy was that a son of a birch to pull out of the ground.”

Clerk Sue Frettin said that before IMP trims any more trees, she wants to see the township's original agreement and review each situation tree by tree. She also wants property owners notified of the fate of their trees. Trustee Dorothy Hildecrust also offered to review what trees are being targeted by those she called, “heartless tree butchers.” Both women even demanded that all work be halted until these prickly issues are resolved.

Going against the grain, Supervisor Hildecrust defended IMP’s right to trim and remove trees that obstruct the electrical lines that power his freezers full of peaches. Others on the council agreed that trees are nice, but not if their children can’t play X-box.

But Frettin and Dot Hildecrust, the splinter group of the council, insisted that most of the power outages they’ve experienced have been due to malfunctioning transformers and not obstructive tree limbs. Furthermore, they added, tree surgery is ugly and detracts from the value of one’s home, not to mention the sense of ambience to one’s property. Resident Helen Damnaschion reported that one of her trees was “as ugly as Chelsea Clinton” after IMP got done with it. Palms explained that sometimes trees are trimmed differently if they’re unhealthy.

“It wasn’t ill,” insisted Damnaschion. “It was just a little sycamore.”

Palms again insisted that most of the public doesn’t give a fig about ambience or the fact that trees emit valuable oxygen into the earth’s atmosphere. “The public’s right to electricity trumps their right to live healthier and happier lives,” he said, although his views weren’t at all poplar with the audience.

“When it comes to the power business, trees can be a real pain in the ash,” he said, ignoring the subsequent boos from the crowd.

“You can have our trees when you rip them from our cold, dead limbs!” yelled out an unidentified wrinkled man, swinging his cane like it was a Louisville Slugger.

Faced with such an angry crowd, Palms reluctantly agreed to consider each case tree by tree, notifying property owners, renters, and whomever else might be affected by the loss of the tree in question. But he noted that once the electricity goes out in those areas where limbs are left untouched, he doesn’t expect to hear any complaints about the loss of power.

“If you don’t have lights and come crying to us, you’ll be barking up the wrong… well, you know...” he said.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

Please note: Your own Shallow Throat was unable to attend this month’s police commission meeting. Nor were any of her minions able to attend, due to unforeseen circumstances that involve that ugly four letter W word. But in the spirit of tradition, the blog must go on, which means only one thing: Everything you’re about to read is pure horse manure, totally uninspired by real events that took place at this month’s police commission meeting. Chin up, dear readers… this account is bound to be much more interesting.

The meeting was called to order at approximately 7:02, after a moment of silence for the victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks five years ago. Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust remarked that he cannot believe it’s been five years already and Mayor Jan Chaddwick replied with a very original and witty “Time flies” comment, being sure to forget to add, “when you’re having fun.”

Chief Kingston was draped in compliments from both the commission and blood related audience for bravely counseling emergency personnel at Ground Zero nearly five months after the attacks five years ago.

By the way, Jan Chaddwick was clad in a very stylish olive green button down sweater, complimented by a baby poop brown pair of elastic waist dress slacks. Chief Kingston was wearing, you guessed it, a collared shirt with a red, white, and blue eagle tie. But the eagle on tie wasn’t the only bald one in the room. Kingston’s tie clip shined nearly as much as the top of his head.

Last meeting’s minutes were approved and someone made the daring motion to pay this month’s bills in the amount of $358,923, plus tip.

The Chief’s report was given, and as usual, our Finest have been busier than roosters in a henhouse. Drunk driving arrests were up because they go up every month. Even a limo driver was pulled over for a DUI. Most of our officers were paid some sort of overtime this month, except for the reserves, including Rob Fishnet, whom we still haven’t offered full time employment to.

A special kudos goes out to officer Mort Allgay, who single-handedly dug out a fallen worker from a 14 foot trench at Hildecrust Holes subdivision. Chairman Ernie was sure to thank Chief Kingston and his entire department for saving him some huge workman’s compensation bills, not to mention a potential lawsuit from the accident prone victim.

Also this month, officers were called to the scene of an overturned pontoon boat on Chopin Lake. How the boat overturned is unclear but some suspect it had something to do with the waterskiers behind it. Apparently, even if pontoon boats are rigged with twin 120 hp outboards, they’re not meant to go full throttle. No one was hurt in the accident but they all were pretty embarrassed.

There was also some sort of immigration crackdown on Benjamin Street on the always dangerous east part of town. Local units were unaware until recently that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) was investigating one of Broken Springs’s own. But several witnesses of the “swat team” called local police to personally investigate. Chief Kingston said, “After we received an anonymous tip that ICE was spotted in Broken Springs, we were able to investigate and conclude that yes, they were indeed here.” Chief Kingston didn’t, however, know any more about the case. “Our investigation into their investigation is ongoing,” he said.

Then came the typical and customary Daniel Shame heroic story of the evening. This month’s our hero faced a battle he’d never had to face before and frankly he’s lucky to be alive.

It started routinely enough. Shame had pulled a car full of teenagers over for a missing lugnut on their rear left tire. When he approached the driver’s window, he noticed a bunch of the young men in the vehicle stuffing items of a suspicious nature into their pockets. He also noticed a distinctive burning leaves aroma coming out of the window. When Officer Shame asked them if they’d been smoking anything that evening, they all answered in the negative. But when they opened their mouths to say no, puffs of smoke floated out from between their lips. Suspecting that they were lying, Shame asked them all out onto the street. But as a precaution, he first wanted to write down all of their first and last names. He’d written down only the first name, Nicholas King... when he accidentally dropped this pen. As he bent down to get it, the driver dropped his car into drive, rolling over Shame’s knuckles. The brave officer yelled for the driver to “stop crushing my gosh darn hand!” And the driver immediately slammed on the brakes, unfortunately while the vehicle was still on top of Shame’s fingers.

With the officer unable to move, the stoned teenagers made a run for it. But because they were all too high to think clearly, they decided to drive away instead of fleeing on foot, thereby freeing the pinned Shame. As the car sped away, Officer Shame was able to grab hold of the extremely hot exhaust pipe with his good hand. However, he was unable to climb onto the trunk like they do in the movies - partly because of his injured hand and partly because he just isn’t that fit. He had no other choice but to hold on until the car stopped moving. Many times, Shame’s life passed before his eyes, especially since the left rear tire was missing a lugnut and quivering erratically. Luckily, the wayward juveniles ran out of fuel a block later because they’d used all their gas money on weed. Officer Shame was able to arrest the four boys on possession of marijuana, fleeing and eluding a police officer, and running over three curbs during their potential escape.

Councilwoman Curly Headed Sandy made a motion to buy Shame a ribbon or medal, or perhaps one of those plastic trophies that parents buy their short bus children for competing in the Special Olympics. Chief Kingston offered to pay out of pocket for something resembling a purple heart pin that Shame can wear with pride.

In old business, there was some boring policy talk that had I even been there, I wouldn’t have listened to. Broken Springs’s First Man, Stan Chaddwick was again reading the paper in the audience, and no doubt there were some whispers about the whereabouts of the back row troublemakers.

Ah, but we were there in spirit!

Meeting adjourned.


(You can’t say that at Roseland council meetings)