Monday, September 11, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

Please note: Your own Shallow Throat was unable to attend this month’s police commission meeting. Nor were any of her minions able to attend, due to unforeseen circumstances that involve that ugly four letter W word. But in the spirit of tradition, the blog must go on, which means only one thing: Everything you’re about to read is pure horse manure, totally uninspired by real events that took place at this month’s police commission meeting. Chin up, dear readers… this account is bound to be much more interesting.

The meeting was called to order at approximately 7:02, after a moment of silence for the victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks five years ago. Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust remarked that he cannot believe it’s been five years already and Mayor Jan Chaddwick replied with a very original and witty “Time flies” comment, being sure to forget to add, “when you’re having fun.”

Chief Kingston was draped in compliments from both the commission and blood related audience for bravely counseling emergency personnel at Ground Zero nearly five months after the attacks five years ago.

By the way, Jan Chaddwick was clad in a very stylish olive green button down sweater, complimented by a baby poop brown pair of elastic waist dress slacks. Chief Kingston was wearing, you guessed it, a collared shirt with a red, white, and blue eagle tie. But the eagle on tie wasn’t the only bald one in the room. Kingston’s tie clip shined nearly as much as the top of his head.

Last meeting’s minutes were approved and someone made the daring motion to pay this month’s bills in the amount of $358,923, plus tip.

The Chief’s report was given, and as usual, our Finest have been busier than roosters in a henhouse. Drunk driving arrests were up because they go up every month. Even a limo driver was pulled over for a DUI. Most of our officers were paid some sort of overtime this month, except for the reserves, including Rob Fishnet, whom we still haven’t offered full time employment to.

A special kudos goes out to officer Mort Allgay, who single-handedly dug out a fallen worker from a 14 foot trench at Hildecrust Holes subdivision. Chairman Ernie was sure to thank Chief Kingston and his entire department for saving him some huge workman’s compensation bills, not to mention a potential lawsuit from the accident prone victim.

Also this month, officers were called to the scene of an overturned pontoon boat on Chopin Lake. How the boat overturned is unclear but some suspect it had something to do with the waterskiers behind it. Apparently, even if pontoon boats are rigged with twin 120 hp outboards, they’re not meant to go full throttle. No one was hurt in the accident but they all were pretty embarrassed.

There was also some sort of immigration crackdown on Benjamin Street on the always dangerous east part of town. Local units were unaware until recently that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) was investigating one of Broken Springs’s own. But several witnesses of the “swat team” called local police to personally investigate. Chief Kingston said, “After we received an anonymous tip that ICE was spotted in Broken Springs, we were able to investigate and conclude that yes, they were indeed here.” Chief Kingston didn’t, however, know any more about the case. “Our investigation into their investigation is ongoing,” he said.

Then came the typical and customary Daniel Shame heroic story of the evening. This month’s our hero faced a battle he’d never had to face before and frankly he’s lucky to be alive.

It started routinely enough. Shame had pulled a car full of teenagers over for a missing lugnut on their rear left tire. When he approached the driver’s window, he noticed a bunch of the young men in the vehicle stuffing items of a suspicious nature into their pockets. He also noticed a distinctive burning leaves aroma coming out of the window. When Officer Shame asked them if they’d been smoking anything that evening, they all answered in the negative. But when they opened their mouths to say no, puffs of smoke floated out from between their lips. Suspecting that they were lying, Shame asked them all out onto the street. But as a precaution, he first wanted to write down all of their first and last names. He’d written down only the first name, Nicholas King... when he accidentally dropped this pen. As he bent down to get it, the driver dropped his car into drive, rolling over Shame’s knuckles. The brave officer yelled for the driver to “stop crushing my gosh darn hand!” And the driver immediately slammed on the brakes, unfortunately while the vehicle was still on top of Shame’s fingers.

With the officer unable to move, the stoned teenagers made a run for it. But because they were all too high to think clearly, they decided to drive away instead of fleeing on foot, thereby freeing the pinned Shame. As the car sped away, Officer Shame was able to grab hold of the extremely hot exhaust pipe with his good hand. However, he was unable to climb onto the trunk like they do in the movies - partly because of his injured hand and partly because he just isn’t that fit. He had no other choice but to hold on until the car stopped moving. Many times, Shame’s life passed before his eyes, especially since the left rear tire was missing a lugnut and quivering erratically. Luckily, the wayward juveniles ran out of fuel a block later because they’d used all their gas money on weed. Officer Shame was able to arrest the four boys on possession of marijuana, fleeing and eluding a police officer, and running over three curbs during their potential escape.

Councilwoman Curly Headed Sandy made a motion to buy Shame a ribbon or medal, or perhaps one of those plastic trophies that parents buy their short bus children for competing in the Special Olympics. Chief Kingston offered to pay out of pocket for something resembling a purple heart pin that Shame can wear with pride.

In old business, there was some boring policy talk that had I even been there, I wouldn’t have listened to. Broken Springs’s First Man, Stan Chaddwick was again reading the paper in the audience, and no doubt there were some whispers about the whereabouts of the back row troublemakers.

Ah, but we were there in spirit!

Meeting adjourned.


(You can’t say that at Roseland council meetings)

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