Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Waterboarding: America's New Pastime

And now, a special treat for our regular readers…

Local Broken Springs resident Dick Commando illustrates why America is the land of the free and the home of the brave…

Dear Editor,

I’ve had it up to my bloodshot eyeballs with those Constitution loving, tree huggin’ “Americans” who can’t understand the imperative value of torture in today’s dangerous, terroristical society, where evil lurks in every dark corner. I’m also tired of “leaders” like Hugo Chavez stealing away our freedom of speech (like the immigrants do our jobs) only call our President an alcoholic Lucifer. We all know that Hillary’s the devil, not Bush.

Let me remind anyone bored enough to read my tedious tripe that America is so popular we have to build electric fences to keep people out, not the other way around. We’re the only real free country in the world, and most European countries, for example, wouldn’t know freedom if it bit them in their big, smelly noses. Freedom is the right to buy assault rifles that fire 100 rounds without having to reload, a right courageously defended by the NRA. Freedom is the right to drive a 4x4 Dodge Ram even if it does only get six miles per gallon of gasoline. It’s certainly safer than those European midget cars, assuming you can afford to drive it. We have a right to be dependant on oil. Had it not been for oil company profits, how else would our great Protector Bush have been elected to begin with?

We’re being called imperialistic war mongers by our many enemies around the globe, despite the fact that we only bomb on average one sovereign nation every decade. When we have properly spread democracy and McDonalds to Iraq, we’ll give back their nation status. Would Hitler do the same? Would Stalin? Or would they laugh at Bush’s imperialistic impotence?

Our own “countrymen” also whine about the NSA wiretapping program, as if it’s ever stepped on any personal civil liberties of anyone who didn’t already deserve a boot in their back. I’m still waiting for the herds of
that will never be brought up against the only true patriots among us, namely Saint Bush and his Homeland Security Officers.

Proving that even a broken clock is right twice a day, former “President” Clinton knew the importance of torture when he signed into law the Rendition Act, thereby inventing American torture policy. Nevermind that this same “President” showed his leftist leanings when he ratified the UN’s 1985 Convention Against Torture. That was only for show, like when he went to church. Being married to Hillary, Bill knew a thing or two about torture. And I, for one, applaud his courageous actions.

Terrorists do not deserve rights, nor do suspected terrorists, nor does anyone who believes that terrorists or suspected terrorists (as defined by the Patriot Act) ought to be protected from any torture we inflict on them. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the Constitution applies to non-citizens or anyone who doesn’t fly an American flag 24/7. Nor should the Geneva Convention apply to anyone other than Americans, and by Americans I mean of course those who correctly value security over liberty. Some argue that if we do not hold to the standards of the Geneva Convention, then our boys are more apt to be tortured themselves. To that I say: TESTICLES! Even John McCain would laugh at that assumption.

The ACLU, despite it being a staunch defender of this website, also defends those who burn flags. ACLU members should stop burning the flag and start burning the Constitution, which has been used merely as an instrument for Liberals to impede national security. When will people realize that the Constitution was penned by our Founding Fathers as a way to make America just as strong as the country from which it rebelled? It is not, as liberal educators teach, a document whose purpose is to protect the citizens from its government. Defenders of “civil liberties” only help erode the biggest liberty of all, our nation’s right to be strong and secure.

We must rise up as a country to defeat the evil known as terrorism, even if it means attacking an occasional sovereign nation under false pretenses and waging an occasional never ending war which some say makes us weaker and more susceptible to terrorism. But the cowardly John Kerrys of the world who insist that we must cower to the pacifists, cutting and running with our tail between our legs haven’t any better ideas about how to protect us. A military genius (who remains nameless for reasons obvious to anyone who looks him up) once said, “Strength lies not in defense but in attack.” Those who whine about being too aggressive in protecting America’s right to security simply don’t deserve America’s security.

Dick Commando

No comments: