Police Commission Meeting

There was a packed house for this month’s meeting. It was standing room only, but only because there were no chairs. Other than the three commissioners (plus the secretary and the attorney) there were five audience members. Next month they should consider charging at the door.

Mayor Jan Chaddwick was absent. Probably had another stroke.
Commissioner Bob Frugal doesn’t sound so good either. They said he had shaking grapes syndrome.

Amidst all of this excitement, the minutes from the last meeting are accepted, as are the bills. The financial report was thrown out the window, though. Just kidding. It was accepted as well.

Chief Thief Kingston says that complaints were up 3% this month, most of them probably about the police department.

Attorney Amnesia then talks very boringly about retirement funding. His discourse is so boring, I want to retire. He insists that the police department is under-funded while the fire department is over-funded. Personally I’m just dum-funded. Everyone knows that firemen are hotter than police officers, therefore they should have a better retirement fund. Amnesia, perhaps because he knows something the rest of us do not, speaks in hypotheticals, assuming the worst. He keeps saying things like, “If the department is still here…” Where else would it be? Neptune? Uranus?

Kingston then expresses his ambitions to get his hands on a fingerprinting machine here. Apparently they cost an arm and a leg, and we currently resort to using Niles’s facilitities. LSD’s machine is not good enough, obviously because they weren’t even able to screen the private company currently putting their handicapped children at risk. The commission decides to share Anthonys University’s fingerprinting machine. AU will bill us by the fingertip and round to the nearest digit. But first we must get an okay from the state of Michigan.

Rob Fishnet has proven that education pays off (it just sometimes has a bad exchange rate) when he caught a fourth offense DUIer. And another of our brave police men even worked… brace yourself… a ten hour shift and miraculously lived to tell about it. It included a 6-7 hour round trip to Detroit.

There was a drug prescription pad stolen. Someone forged the doctor’s signature and the thief was only caught because his forgery was legible.

Some idiot bank (you choose) in town cashed an $8,000 rubber check for a guy with no account. With the money he bought a car in Chicago, and a license and insurance with more bad checks. But the good news is he saved a ton of money on car insurance with Geico.

There have been robberies galore in Broken Springs!
The Dairy King robber is still at large.
Family Penny’s robber is still at large.
McHeart Attack’s robber was at large until he was supersized.

In fact, Broken Springs has had so many robberies, police are now mistaking ordinary citizens as robbers in their own houses.

There was another incident of kids causing trouble at Anthonys University. They were trying to eat pork in the parking lot and a riot ensued.

The mother of a sex offender was caught in Rob’s Fishnet when her crashing car came over the hill. She’s also the daughter of a man who’s fished all his life without a license. And her third cousin once sodomized a pumpkin.

Someone who’d rolled down Niagra Falls in a barrel has been attempting to steal identities. Sandy Quarts thinks she got an email from him about transferring money from one of his accounts. BS Police are planning on tracing the email.

The Pollack cop who we recently traded to the Sheriff’s Department (for a minor league cop to be named later) pulled over a man traveling not only with a known felon but several baggies full of marijuana and money. The Pollack cop smoked the money and turned in the marijuana.

All of this is proving that times are tough in Lil Chicago. The Chief Thief insists that this is reason enough to purchase an extra squad car. But Commission Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust wants to downsize to three cop cars, from four. Kingston protested, saying that with only three cars, only three quarters of our town would be covered. Furthermore, the ole Green Machine is so over driven he doesn’t even use it for patrol anymore. He only uses it to go back and forth to work, not counting the trips to Weedway Gas Station to load up on Gatorade, hot dogs, and scratch off tickets.

Sandy insists we need lots and lots of cars, the more the better. The more we have, the safer we are. She prefers a fleet. Jimmy says the cars we already have are beat to death so we need new ones and we need them by the first of the year. Ernie insists that this is not the time to spend money foolishly even if the people of Broken Springs are foolishly throwing gobs of extra money their way.

Sandy Quarts points out the cop cars go 100 mph, which is almost as fast as they go at Indy and Daytona.

Tempers begin to flare as the two sides butt heads.
Ernie just wants to be seen by his constituents as a fiscally sound representative.
Jimmy just wants more toys, and lots of them.
Sandy just wants Jimmy to get whatever he wants.
Phil Ruse just wants to get home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Ruse, back from his temporary visit to Saturn, makes a motion to pass the budget, which includes $44,000 for two new patrol cars. Since we learned last year that a new Impala costs $17,000, we can now assume that the bubble gum lights and XM Satellite radio costs an extra five grand per car.

There’s more jumping back and forth, which makes me wish I’d actually attended this meeting instead of getting my butt kicked on the pool table.

It seems that whatever Jimmy wants Jimmy gets but not this time. Phil Ruse had misunderstood what he was voting on and called a “do over,” at which time he voted with that anti-cop sourpuss Ernie Hildecrust. Rock on, boys. Make Jimmy earn that extra set of wheels.

Meeting adjourned.