Thursday, November 29, 2007

Potent and Impotent

Did everyone rekindle their Christmas Spirit in downtown Broken Springs Thursday night? I can't I say did. In fact, the only thing I wanted to rekindle was a stick of dynamite in the anal cavity of whomever was responsible for blocking off downtown while everyone is trying to get home from work. As I understand it, the hoopla was celebrating not only Christmas, but the completion of the disaster known locally as the Streetscrape Project. I'm gussing that means that our new bump outs have bumped out as far as they're ever going to bump out, and our retarded Elton John benches will forever go both ways. Our new Christmas decorations look exactly like our old decorations, only much more expensive.

It was interesting to read that Village employees have combatted the current hard economic times with a nifty 3% pay raise. We here at NFBS were particularly thrilled to see that included in the list of benefitted Village employees was none other than Litter and Debris Code Enforcement Officer Daniel Shame. He will now make $22.95 an hour to trespass instead of the piddley $22.28 he was making before the wage increase. I can think of no better person to offer the pay raise to, unless you count every other person on the friggin planet, and a few animals as well.

And speaking of Junior...

Proving once again that more than terrorism, more than a nuclear explosion, more than cell phone talking Adventist drivers trying to get home before sundown on a Friday night, the biggest threat to Broken Springs is blight, the Village Council has decided to hire a backup Code Enforcement Officer. The decision, according to this week's Journalistic Error, is partly due to the possibility that current Trash Cop Daniel Shame may resign.

Now that would rekindle my spirit.

An Identity Theft Seminar will be offered December 11th at the library. Residents interested in attending the seminar can call the library and leave their name, in addition to their phone, social security, and ATM PIN numbers to register for the seminar.

It's campaign season, and the recently mentioned local rag has declared its position with the publication of their first recycled political joke. So here is our first joke, establishing our political position:

When Hillary Clinton heard that Rudy Giuliani will run against her for President, she became very depressed. She said that if she wanted to spend the next year battling an adulterer, she could've stayed at home.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Trash Cop Asks for Raise

Litter and Debris Ordinance Code Enforcement Officer Daniel Shame (known more commonly around this neck of the woods as the Trash Cop) has recently asked for a raise in pay, according to minutes to a recent Broken County Board meeting. He requested the raise because his current wage, twenty-five dollars an hour, just isn’t enough to cover his divorce lawyer, his gas guzzling Bronco, and the new set of bow and arrows he’s recently put on lay away at Kmart. He’s also asked for help in paying his cell phone bill, because according to Shame, he uses it almost exclusively for his job, not including the 1-900 calls, which he only makes after he’s driven around Broken County at least three times looking for blight ordinance violations.

Residents of Broken County are displeased with the job Shame has done, particularly those residents he’s cited as violators. But the board seems quite content with his job performance, despite the fact that Broken County ranks in beauty right behind the back alleys in Harlem. Asked why Broken County is still so far away from the mythical suburbs of Wisteria Lane with its flower beds and perfect length lawns, resident Jim Bob Johnson says, “Well, you can put a dress on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

This is not the first time Broken Township’s Litter and Debris Ordinance has caused a stir. Several years ago, the Township took Earl Waxmell to court over safety issues regarding tires on his salvage yard that he’d been operating since the 1980s. Waxmell’s “unsafe” property was safe enough legally speaking until someone got tired of looking at a bunch of old tires. This was when the Board started to dress the pig.

Harry Fishhook, who operates a car repair shop on the corner of Dans Hill Road and M-140, was cited for his property full of inoperable cars. Apparently there are those in the township who don’t quite grasp the concept of owning a car repair shop. If the cars were operable, Harry Fishhook’s business would sink, much like Daniel Shame’s reputation amongst the locals. Fishhook has also questioned the need for the trash cop to wear a gun while doing his job. To this, Board President Pete Dixby has responded, “We can’t very well ask Shame to trespass on private property unarmed, can we?”

Nearby in the slightly less visually offensive town of Broken Springs, Trash Cop Shame does his duty in a more conducive environment. His wage from the Village of Broken Springs, whatever it is (we’ve lost track after the third raise) is quite satisfactory and rarely does his trespassing or overstepping of civil liberty cause any ruckus. In fact, the Council even praises him for it. But then again, with a relative on the Village Council, is anyone surprised that the Trash Cop has limitless power? We may be rid of him as a real cop on the streets of Broken Springs, but he haunts us still. Let’s all just hope that someday Trash Cop Daniel Shame is disposed of.