Thursday, March 30, 2006

NRA to Host Benefit

By Chocolate Thunda, until the plug is pulled!

In an effort to show support in the impending legal battle in which NFBS may possibly partake, leaders of the National Revolution Association have announced a rally for the press staff of NFBS later next month. All proceeds will go towards the legal defense fund, helping to offset the cost to retain freedom in the small town of Broken Springs. "Battle of the Blog," as it is affectionately known, erupted last week when Broken Springs’s Mayor, Police Chief, and its most notorious police officer threatened the town’s weakly satirical rag with a cease and desist letter.

When asked why the NRA wanted to join the battle, president Carl Heffner (no relation to his brother, Hugh) set down his Budwesier, gripped his steering wheel tightly and said, "After reading that hilarious site about all the mishaps of Daniel Shame and his bow and arrow, we’re not about to let three sissy girls who cant take a joke get the upper hand on the first amendment and regulate what people do or say. What's next? Stripping Americans of their right to bear arms?” The emboldened gun nut clasped his right hip fiercely and continued, “Plus, anyone who goes out of the village limits to practice shooting bows and arrows clearly needs medical treatment! Why wasn’t he target practicing with his gun? What’s he got against guns anyway? I’m not saying he’s a communist but if the furry Bolshevik hat fits…”

The NRA’s offer was extended after word spread that two sissy girls and one sissy boy, sorry, I have that backwards, three sissy girls, had a letter drawn up by their lawyer ordering NFBS to Cease and Desist with a letter delivery heard around the world. Proving once again that every day is a slow news day in Broken Springs, the three officials, who shall henceforth be referred to as Moe, Larry, and Curly, have taken issue with what they say are “lies, lies, and more lies, albeit funny and clever lies.”

Plans for the NRA endorsed event are still sketchy, however. We were able to ascertain that the festival and rally will be held at the Groping Park on Broken Spring's south side. Directions to the location of the rally are: Drive south until just before you hit the river. If you hit the river, you’ve gone too far. The tentative date for the event was originally April 15th, until it was discovered that the Chippendales will be in Niles that day and the NFBS editoress would be unavailable that evening and next morning due to her inevitable hangover. The rally’s date was then changed to April 20th, which will conveniently be Adolph Hitler’s birthday.

There’s also a large parade being planned for the day the NFBS staff receives justice. More to follow as the date and time are secured. Seating on the firetrucks is limited, so we recommend you arrive early once the date is announced.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

To Jennifer Gonads

Those who earlier threatened me with a lawsuit over these satirical writings have yet to respond to my demand for a public retraction, so I've taken the liberty to respond for them, satirically of course. -st

Dear Ms. Gonads,

Be advised that we are in receipt of yours letter dated March 24, 2006 demanding a retraction (“Demand Retraction Letter“) for what you characterize as “defamatory remarks” made in our original corresponding letter dated March 21, 2006 (“Demand Letter“). It is regretful, although not surprising that as a US Citizen you resort to the now politically defunct Bill of Rights in your defense. Everyone knows that only terrorists demand the rights granted to them by the US Constitution, and since we are currently at war with terrorists, you ought to feel privileged that we sent this letter via Federal Express and not by A-Bomb.

In light of the fact that the Bill of Rights, even if still applicable, does not protect the right to be rude, your impoliteness will only result in the town’s utter disdain for you and anyone who associates with you. Not once in the Demand Retraction Letter did you say please or thank you. Furthermore, you failed to provide definitions for the Latin legal terms you used. We can only assume that when you wrote, “we hereby reject in toto your clients’ latest effort to intimidate us into foregoing our inalienable right to exercise our freedom of speech guaranteed by the First Amendment” you meant that you would not accept Dorothy’s little dog from us. Who do you think you are, the wicked witch of the west?

While my clients welcome the free expression of opinions insofar as they’re in agreement with their own public policies, my clients do not and will never invite public discourses that are juvenile, lewd, witty, clever, and unapologetically sophomoric. Therefore, we can only offer the following retraction in response to your Demand Retraction Letter.

When we suggested that Jennifer Gonads farts a lot and howls at the moon, we were mistaken. We now know that she does not howl at the moon. We apologize for the error.

In light of our now issued retraction, we demand from you a retraction for your Demand Retraction Letter. And if you file a countersuit against us, we will seek sanctions against you for filing a frivolous counter lawsuit. Furthermore we will poke you in the eyes like Moe did to Larry, Curly, and Shemp.

In closing, you should remember what that real satirist Mark Twain once said:

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

We anxiously await you to put on your shoes.

Very truly yours,

V. Skrewem & Howe

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Clovers Rock!

There is one thing, and probably only one thing upon which all sides of Broken Springs agree. And that is the boy’s basketball team and their dream season.

This Saturday, the Broken Springs boys basketball team came within five points, 2½ baskets, of bringing home the State of Michigan’s Class C Championship. As a former Clover state runner-up (Softball, 1992), I personally know the exhilarating emotions our boys must be feeling. They are both proud and humbled, both grateful to have gone so far and disappointed that they came so close. Naturally, they are heartbroken.

But they needn’t be. Take it from someone who knows, fellas. The fact that you lost means nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the fact that you proudly represented your community and gave your best effort that will speak volumes in the annuls of Broken Springs history.

My only regret in the ‘outing’ of this satire site is that the timing may have possibly taken away some of the attention from those athletes who more genuinely deserve it. The “Blog War” may continue, but let both sides never forget one thing:

The 2006 Clover Basketball team Rocks!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Straight Thunda

By: Chocolate Thunda, Shaken, Not Stirred!

As I am typing this I am learning that The Broken Springs Clovers basketball have splashed Bath out of any picture of a state title. Way to go guys! The next one is for all the “balls.“ So, mad props to the guys representing 'ole B S H S. It‘s about time BS receives some positive publicity.

Also as I type this, I have tonight's Pollution in front of me, and I have to say, those guys at the paper really surprise me every now and again. It was a nice little article and I think we will see more of them as this C and D business grinds on through the summer. At least I’d like to see more of them. Maybe take them out to a romantic date to Flemintines, and a moonlight drive ending with a long makeout session near the beach as we casually grope each other. Ahem, but back to the C&D letter…

Why is it some people have to get their trick sack all caught up and twisted if someone is merely having a laugh on their expense? Why can't they just take it as the funny, Ha Ha, and just let it be? If you don't like what's being said, there’s a back button in your browser right up there and to the left. See it? Right next to the spaghetti stain on your screen. Plain and simple, right? It reminds me of what that great master of comedy George Carlin once said:

“A reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn't like...
Well reverend, did anyone ever tell you that there are two knobs on the radio? Two knobs on the radio! Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't too comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it…”

And now for something completely different…
There was recently a letter published in a local "Paper" taking issue with Fireman Thickett’s homecoming he received after returning from Iraq. The letter writer didn’t believe that Thickett deserved such a homecoming because he was paid to be in Iraq. Sgt. Whizzanant may not be getting paid booku bucks but she’s the only non-firefighter that has ever marched with the department's parade unit. Let me make this clear. Any American who goes to Iraq to save lives and fight for democracy and comes back home with his head still attached to his body deserves all the credit we can give them. To say that Fireman Thickett deserves any less is a mockery. Sorry if this sounds like a rant, but I’m trying to get all of this in before Jim Kingston himself comes in and rips my computer plug out of the wall.

This letter business has got my trick sack all worked up as well. I didn't even receive one and I’m Throat’s right hand man. Well, sometimes I use both hands. She likes it when I use both hands. To type I mean. Get your minds out of the gutter!. But if the site gets shut down, I will have to go back to self mutilation just to pass the time. This has been a breakthrough as far as a creative outlet for me. By the way... A couple of articles ago I had found myself in the county inn for… how do you say..."Drunk-in-PUB-Lic". Well, thanks to the creative talents of my good editor, I was able to make bail and get the heck out of there before I became deflowered a second time! The judge went easy on me and since I was the first case of the day he sentenced me to a couple of laborious hours rewiring computers at the local cop shop and time served for good behavior. As my former cellmate Bubba says, all’s well that ends well. In fact, he thought my “end” was fine as hell. But I’ll save that experience for another article.

Finally... Has anyone seen TC the cougar lately? He was at my house laying low for a while until this letter business is resolved. He said he couldn’t hang out at Throat's pad anymore without being noticed by the fuzz that circles the place. Really I think he just likes hanging out with me because I let him drink my beer. But two nights ago, he went out with some of the wild pack dogs of the area for a night on the forest. Hasn't returned since. Hopefully they’re out the finishing the remains of a mammoth or something. Maybe they met some fine bitches (female dogs, you perverts) and are out for a midnight howl at the moon. Hopefully he’ll come back when he’s finished. He needs to scare up some more business again. His numbers in the polls are dropping. I haven’t seen him mentioned in any of the toilet papers around here for weeks. If someone not intoxicated or stoned doesn't see him soon, people will forget what he looks like. He might even be able to walk down the street without wearing that fake beard and moustache.

This is Chocolate Thunda, signing out, hoping NFBS lives to see another day.
Remember...crack kills, pull up your pants!!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Potent and Impotent

As many of you know, NFBS has recently received a Cease and Desist letter which can be viewed here and page two here. All this time I just naturally assumed that the fictionalized town of Broken Springs existed in America… next thing they’ll be telling us is that cougars can’t write.

A big congrats to the Clover boys basketball team, which is playing in the semi-finals of the state championship as I type. May all their balls be nothing but net.

Meanwhile the Clover football team’s coach has unfortunately resigned due to unknown reasons. He’s always had a winning record and is massively popular among the boys. Let’s hope that if there was any politics involved, the two sides can swallow their pride and bring him back.

Please enjoy this blog. We very much hope it brings up a giggle now and again.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Kingston Appointed Bikini Inspector

The Broken Springs Village Council Monday night passed a new ordinance, just in time for spring that may affect many residents who sunbathe in the village limits. The ordinance, entitled the Public Bikini Act will require all potential sunbathers to have their bathing suits inspected and authorized by the Chief of Police before wearing them out of doors. The suits will be inspected for compliance with community standards which includes proper coverage of one’s cleavage and general good taste in fashion to make sure that no lewd or obscene bikinis harm the eyesight of any 80 something year old neighbors looking out their back windows with binoculars.

The Village Council passed the ordinance by a 5-2 vote, with Mike Cinderellagrass, Will Duster, Curly Headed Sandy, and the Chaddwick husband-wife duo voting in favor, and Bill Pezdispensor and Peter Faygo voting against the resolution.

Police Chief Kingston, present in the audience, suggested the new ordinance after he gave a detailed account of the many complaints the BSOT Police had received in years past. “More and more people are calling in to report partial nudity and obscene behavior by their neighbors. It’s indecent. Worse than Larry Flynt,” said the Hustler subscriber who was once sued for sexual harassment. The moral Chief then went on to read a typical report to the council.

Sunday. 8 PM
Complaintent (Name withheld): My neighbor’s bikini just slipped off and her left nipple is exposed.
Dispatcher: What is the crime you’re reporting, sir?
Complaintent: It’s indecent. What if my grandkids were visiting?
Dispatcher: Where are you, sir?
Complaintent: In my backyard, leaning my head over the fence.
Dispatcher: Why are you leaning over the fence?
Complaintent: Can’t see, otherwise.
Dispatcher: What’s your complaint, sir?
Complaintent: Her other tit just flopped out. She’s naked as a jaybird now.
Dispatcher: There’s no law against sunbathing, sir. I’m sorry.
Complaintent: So am I. It’s getting dark and I won’t be able to see much longer.

After reading aloud this report, after the gasps from the blushing Village Council, Kingston proposed a resolution to avoid similar incidents this spring and summer. He offered to volunteer his time to inspect all bathing suits to make sure they meet community standards.

Village President Jan Chaddwick thanked the Chief and encouraged the Council to accept his offer. “Not just anyone would volunteer for such a daunting task,” said Chaddwick. “The fact that he’s offered to do it for free speaks volumes about his character and it’s just frosting on the cake,” added the President as she brought around the conversation to her area of expertise.

During the discussion which ensued, Peter Faygo explained why he intended to vote against the measure. “This is just another way of expanding the blight ordinance. If these bikinis are unsightly or if the women wearing them have cottage cheese thighs, what’s to stop Daniel Shame from citing them for violating the litter and debris code?”

But others disagreed. “Everyone has a right to wear a bikini, but nobody has a right to wear little more than dental floss covering their genital regions. Not in our quaint little village,“ said councilwoman Steven Chaddwick.

Resident Lonna Jackson, frequent sunbather, said she’d be happy to have her bikini inspected by the Chief because she trusts him with the law in his hands, and if the rumors are true, not only the law. "You shouldn’t be scared if you don’t have anything to cover up,” said the women with two things that jump out at you that probably should stay covered up.

Others in the crowd added their support of the popular Chief. “Sunbathing is a privilege, not a right,” said Village Attorney and our local editoress’s brother in law, Fred DeFrankfurter. “So we have every right to regulate it as we see fit.”

Asked by an audience member only known as Troublemaker Boob if he'll inspect male bathing suits, Kingston answered, “For that they’re gonna have to pay me.”

The following ordinance passed resoundingly.

Public Bikini Act

WHEREAS, the Village of Broken Springs has been plagued by skimpy bathing suits in years past and
WHEREAS, the Village is opposed to the open and shameless display of said bathing suits ,
NOW, THEREFORE, the Village adopts the following ordinance:

1. Before sunbathing within the Village limits, a female citizen must first have their bathing suit thoroughly inspected by a qualified obscenity officer (Chief Kingston) to determine if said bathing suit can be deemed suitable, of proper size, color, and tightness.

2. The suit will be subject to inspection at the will of said officer, in a location and time of his choosing.

3. Officer can and should request to see the bathing suit worn by said person.

4. Once it’s passed inspection, the suit will be licensed (tagged) and is able to be worn without penalty in the Village limits for one (1) year, at which time it will need to be re-inspected for its license renewal.

5. Failure to adhere to these inspections will result in a forfeiture of the said bathing suit and a forfeiture of the right to sunbathe ever again in Broken Springs.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

The meeting is called to order, despite Jan Chaddwick being nowhere to be found (and trust me, she’s hard to lose). There are fourteen audience members in attendance, sixteen including the editor of the Journalistic Error.

They begin by discussing the bills, which include $825 for radio repairs and $700 for batteries (rechargeable). Ernie Hildecrust asks why batteries are so expensive. The ones his wife buys for her cordless massager only cost five dollars at Walmart. Jim Kingston blames the high battery costs on the state of Michigan.

In old business, Attorney Amnesia has finished his homework by drafting a contract for Rob Fishnet. It includes a loan of $1,000 with 24 months to return it. Or he could just write the department a check and have Chief Kingston take it down to Three Fifths Bank to illegally cash it.

In new business, there was a bomb threat. Apparently some Broken Springer bought an inflatable doll and verbally announced that he planned to “blow it up.” Kingston didn’t say where the threat took place, however NFBS informants have told us that it was on a school bus.

There has also been an increase in fraud and identity thieves lately. Politicians discussing identity theft? I’ll let the reader notice the irony.

Kingston’s priceless quote on the matter of fraud is, “People’s gullibility is unbelievable.” One needn’t look any further than the FOJ populated audience to prove his point.

Apparently we have a crazy person wandering the streets of Broken Springs. She is spreading lies about our gasoline being too highly priced, the fire department not doing its job, and aliens from Uranus inhabiting our quaint village. So now we know where Jan Chaddwick is…

Kingston begins a discussion on a subject he knows very little about, by his own admission: computers. “Not being totally computer literate,” he begins as he goes on to explain that the station needs new computers (presumably to catch up on NFBS articles). Despite the lack of expertise on the Commission (which is full of folks who think a computer byte is something the dog does when he doesn’t have a bone), they fail to ask the advice from the computer experts in the audience, particularly the “Back Row Bandits” (AKA Back Row Bloggers) who are notorious for running anti-establishmentary websites.

But I speak too soon because then Kingston does something I totally agree with, which hasn’t happened since 1974 when he went to a Grateful Dead concert. He proposed using the $1700 in privately donated money for tasers for new computers. Donator Ozzy Osbourne, from State Barn Insurance apparently sees nothing wrong with it because he gave the money to the department to spend as they see fit, which might also include blowing it away on roulette at the Blue Ship.

Bob Frugal makes the motion to displace the funds, and during roll call, the entire commission, including Curly Headed Sandy votes yes. Apparently either Curly Headed Sandy is so lost without Jan that she doesn’t know how to vote, or she’s had a change of heart about the purchase of tasers, which she’d always supported in the past.

Goodbye Tasers!
Hello Pentium 4s!

This news comes after an article from the Journalistic Error a couple weeks ago described how Deputy Daniel Shame was hit with a friendly fire of pepper spray by Reservist Dic Steelhead while they both tried to restrain a 16 year old outlaw during a basketball game. Tasers would’ve prevented the gang that couldn’t shoot straight from being embarrassed by an intoxicated teenager with vulgar language. By the way, if anyone knows the whereabouts of the 16 year old renegade, please ask him to email Shallow Throat to discuss potential employment on our staff.

The Commission received the audit this week, and while Ernie Hildecrust lets everyone look over the booklet, he and Kingston keep exchanging coy smiles. Then I notice, while everyone else is concentrating deeply on the text, Ernie and Jim begin playing footsie under the table.

The audit, by the way, shows that our department is still in the red, despite having passed the millage last year. Total revenue was $605,000 yet they managed to run up $751,000 in expenditures. For those mathematically challenged, this is a difference of nearly $146,000, or in mill speak, a mill and a half. But the good news is they didn’t get in trouble with the auditors this time like they did last time when they told Kingston that OCCC must be completely separated from the Police Department.

Kingston feels obligated to say that the deficit isn’t due to overspending but under funding, particularly because the Township decided not to kick in their share of the tip, and neither did the Village.

Hildecrust gives everyone a few more hours to look over the contents of the audit, at which time the entire audience falls asleep and begins snoring.

Being the only awake one in the room, I look around to observe the surroundings. I happen to notice that Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarslethergo has toilet paper on her shoe, and Gordy Davis has his right hand bandaged up, possibly from an onanism injury. Either that or he’s been fighting with Pete Faygo at Stoppers Restaurant over the last Danish muffin.

They accept the audit and move on to other boring things they don’t wish to discuss.

Concerning the millage, no one wants to talk about it.

Rob Fishnet stands up to say that the Police Academy training is half over and he’s been busy making crib notes for his midterms.

Bob Frugal mentions that the Chief’s Report was interrupted, so he requests the rest of it. But there isn’t a whole lot more to tell, says Kingston because his computer has kicked the bucket, taking a lot of his programs and software with it including all of his mpegs of Girls Gone Wild. He also notes that a lot of the officers have been sick lately.

Curly Headed Sandy adds that Chief Kingston is sick as well, but we already knew that, didn‘t we?.

Meeting adjourned and declared another big waste of time.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Local Editor Flogs Blogs, But Doesn’t Proofread

In this week’s Journalistic Error, editor Cathy Pullanhertoeifshehollarslethergo took a stab at her blogo-sphere compatriots by publishing a syndicated column written last year by Kathleen Parker entitled “Lord of the Blogs.“ But her reprint (with permission) includes a couple glaring inconsistencies and typos that scream for the attention of the local blogs, such as News From Broken Springs.

The first of these inconsistencies is the title itself, as you can see from the online link above is “Lord of the Blogs.” In the Journalistic Error, however, the title has been changed to “All About Bloggers,” as if it’s an encyclopedia entry about those who write Webblogs. A literate reader will note that Parker’s title doesn’t proclaim the article to be an extensive informational column on bloggers. Yet the Error Editor insists that Parker’s article is “all” there is to know about those who blog, when the article itself is an ad hominem editorial classifying the typical blogger as spoiled, undisciplined, lacking in wisdom and civility, immature, and better off ignored than read.

Anticipating that most Journalistic Error readers won’t bother to read an article on a seemingly irrelevant non-local issue by a conservative Florida columnist, Error’s Editor sums up “Lord of the Blogs” with her own propagandist subtitle, “Beware and resist the ego-gratifying pack that contributes only snark, sass and destruction.” That subtitle, although attributed to Ms. Parker in the Journalistic Error, is at best a paraphrase of Ms. Parker’s elegant prose near the end of her article: “But we should beware and resist the rest of the ego-gratifying rabble who contribute only snark, sass and destruction.”

The following questions must be asked. Why the subtle word change? Does the Journalistic Error simply prefer the word "pack" to "rabble" or is it something more clever and sinister than that? Could the Fairy Street Editor (whose favorite color is yellow) be subliminally insinuating that local bloggers are closer to wolves in the evolutionary spectrum than they are to civil humans who routinely vote in favor of police millages and read every word in the Journalistic Error as bona fide fact?

Does she wish to manipulate Parker’s words to match her own reality in Broken Springs where a “pack” of critical citizens have set up blogs and reported on the inadequacies of her weekly rag?

If (one can only hope) the Error truly feels threatened by these local blogs, does Pullanhertoe… condone the suppression of ideas and opinion in the online world? And lastly, if all this is true, shouldn’t she be checking the Iranian Want Ads for her next editorial job?

Another error in the Journalistic Error’s edition of the blog flog fluff piece is in the line “Likewise, many bloggers see the destruction of others for their own self-aggrandizement.” The actual article states, “Likewise, many bloggers seek the destruction of others for their own self-aggrandizement.” This lackluster news editing (carried on throughout every issue) flies in the face of most high grammatical standards in the newsprint world. The Error may defend the Broken Springs Police but apparently it enjoys running afoul of the grammar police. To be fair to Ms. Pullanhertoe.., much of her time is taken up by being on the Board of His Directory for Operation Christmas Care Bear and the Chamber of Combust. The spring vacations to Florida beaches are awfully time consuming, as well.

An entire half page was wasted in the reprinting of Parker’s article, which could have been read fresh off the page three months ago on the Op-Ed page of the Herald Republican at a cheaper newsstand price. The space in the Error could and should have been better utilized, perhaps by printing another letter to the editor praising Chief Kingston, or maybe with an architectural sketch of the soon to be renovated Broken Springs downtown area.

In any event, three cheers for the Journalistic Error and its infamous Yellow Editor for once again drawing attention to renegade blogs like News From Broken Springs and the BS Underground Reader. Our traffic thanks you.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

BS Cops Saluted

The Broken Springs Opportunist Club recently recognized three local officers at the First Annual Cop Hop, held in the basement of the Foo King Chinese Restaurant Saturday night. The event, part square dance and part donut social, had as its theme “Officer Dedication to Looking Busy.”

All three officers are from the Broken Springs Police Department, where they work diligently to keep lawbreakers off the streets of Broken Springs and donuts off the shelves of Krispy Kreme. They were selected by community members, local politicians, and Christmas Care Bear donators.

Those honored were: Police Chief Jim Kingston, Deputy Daniel Shame, and patrolman Keith Mauve.

“A gentleman in the streets, but a freak in the station.”

A veteran of the department, Chief Kingston is known for his clown like antics in the office, yet on the job, he’s as serious as the heart attack he isn’t planning to have in a couple years. Off the beat, he’s constantly telling politically incorrect jokes containing hilarious racial slurs, making off the cuff flirtatious remarks around his office staff, and dropping fake spiders in the urinals. Once, he even gave his shy, dedicated secretary a pair of edible panties for a Christmas gag gift, only to have the undergarment (or what was left of them) be discovered by his wife as she emptied out his pockets. “The entire office got a good laugh,” Kingston reminisces with a wry smile, “But Cherry didn’t see the humor. To make it up to her, I had to buy her a thong for her birthday. I wrapped a diamond ring in it just to be on the safe side. Unfortunately she didn't know the ring was in there when she tried the thong on. In retrospect, it's pretty funny. But at the time, let's just say I'm grateful we had a good proctologist.”

Not only is Kingston a cautious forward thinker, as demonstrated above, but he’s also a philanthropist, determined to better the world through his organization’s charitable works that he pawns off to other people. Operation Christmas Care Bear is over a decade old, yet still in its infancy as far as state registration is concerned. Under the leadership of Chief Kingston, this fine charity has collected hundreds to thousands of unaccounted for cash, some of which has even been handed out to the local poor and other eligible citizens. The charity has been second to none in gaining local publicity, usually via newspaper articles about state investigations into its legality. What a clever and cunning strategy this is to attain free advertisement for what is in reality little more than a slush fund. In this way, Chief Kingston has demonstrated himself to be an ingenious entrepreneur.

"Not entirely heartless."

Deputy Daniel Shame, an 8 year veteran on the force whose hair color indicates a much longer period of time, was recognized for his ability to spot a flock of prostitutes from a mile away. No matter where ladies of the evening loiter, Shame has a nose for sniffing out the red light district. He’s also entrapped many of them in the back of his patrol car, and hauled them off to a cold jail cell but not before a bit of complimentary necking that gives the prostitutes a sense of welcome in Broken Springs. Is it any wonder why so many hookers decide to come back to our fair streets, night after night, only to be hauled off to jail time and time again? Surely, Officer Shame has enticed them into appreciating our quaint village, the view of which is beautiful out of his squad car ‘s back window.

"It’s a bird, it’s a plane… nope, it’s too short."

Not only has Shame demonstrated superb people skills, but he also has the highest pull over rate on the department. On any given night, he averages 533 pull overs in an 8 hour shift, half of which are either minors or minorities. And his ticket to pull over ratio is the best among his colleagues. He averages a ticket every 1.45 traffic stops, whether the ticket bearer violated any laws or not. These impressive numbers have earned Shame the nickname Superman within the department. He hands out violations faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than our Mayor’s flatulence after dinner at Taco Bell.

Shame has also taken the initiative to personally hone his target skills at a local private residence in Broken Township, which has improved his aim in case he ever has to fire his gun while on duty. While his extra curricular activities came under much scrutiny by the Police Commission and out of town news reporters, the Broken Springs Opportunists Club presented him with a certificate of achievement for going above and beyond the call of duty. Not everyone would insist on perfecting their skills under their own motivation like Shame continually does.

“Idly protecting”

Patrolman Keith Mauve, known to the force for his incredible Police Academy credentials, was acknowledged for his practicality and pragmatism while on the job. He has set state records for his mile per gallon achievements. On average, his patrol car gets an incredible 52 miles per gallon, which helps offset the budgetary splurges elsewhere. Officer Mauve’s selflessness helps avoid the unnecessary purchase of expensive gasoline, which will assist in the future purchase of tasers and Keno tickets. The secret, Mauve insists, is in the idle. Once on duty, he quickly drives to the Subweigh Sandwich Shop (making sure to obey the speed limits and use his turn signals, of course) where he patrols US 31 from the comforts of his car seat. With last year's Christmas bonus, Mauve purchased a down filled pillow that he insists helps ward off seat sores. Every two hours, he shuts off his car’s engine, thusly conserving even more fuel. If it’s an especially cold Michigan day, he builds a small fire in the passenger seat by rubbing two sticks together, a little trick he learned as a Boy Scout. Mauve’s sense of frugality also helps keep his squad car almost entirely maintenance free, except for the customary breakdowns that one expects from a Chevrolet.

Officer Mauve was also saluted for his gender appreciation in the workplace, most notably demonstrated in his proficiency for putting down the toilet seat in the station's unisex bathroom.

All three officers received certificates of achievements and cop bobbleheads to put on their dashboards to show off their illustrious accomplishments.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Rapist on the Loose

There is a spectre among us. That spectre is a sexual pervert of the highest degree. Earlier this winter several residents of Broken Springs were victim to a rapist on the run. Police knew he was on the run because they could see his footprints sprinting away from the scenes of the crimes. But as the season progressed, the rapist escaped capture and continued to rampage our quaint village. Word spread of this menace and all winter long Broken Springs had a chill in its air. Broken Springs became a secluded village, isolated from the rest of the county, full of potential victims iced with fear.

The person terrorizing Broken Springs is a serial snowman rapist. This winter, he worked his way through the town, one snowperson at a time. He even taunted local law enforcement with letters to the media, signed “Frosty’s Lover,” with cryptic messages such as, “The Iceman Cometh, and the Iceman Cometh again and again.”

Early this morning, Broken Springs police attained their biggest clue in the future apprehension of this criminal menacing our streets. Chief Kingston was overheard in the donut shop over lunch bragging to a big busted employee that his department is very close to locking up the sexual pervert behind bars and throwing away the key. Actually he said he’d keep the key on his desk, right next to those Taser donations, but either way, it’s bound to get lost.

“It all started,” began the Chief in between bites of glaze and jelly, “when Jan Chaddwick told me her motion light on her back porch kept coming on in the middle of the night. Well, she always turns it off when I pay her nighttime visits, so I told her not to panic, that it was probably just the wind, or that man eating cougar we have prowling around the area.” According to Kingston, the following week she told him that her snowmen were toppled over so she requested an investigation, but Kingston was suspended that week and by the time he got back to work, all evidence of wrongdoing had melted away. Then two weeks later Bonii Didjaseedat made an official complaint about trespassers in her yard. “But there was no use investigating that either because all we would’ve found was our own footprints from a stake out to see what she and that gun nut husband of hers were up to,” explained away the Chief.

It wasn’t until Christmas Care Bear donator Chris Buzzcut found what he described as a “hole” in the buttocks of one of his snowmen when Kingston began to suspect foul play. Why Buzzcut was inspecting the buttocks of his snowman is anyone’s guess, but he insists that his curious kids found it first. After that, snowmen were being sodomized left and right. And up and down, and in a few other positions only Kama Sutra buffs know.

A snowman on the corner of Uranus and Carpenter streets was found disrobed and assaulted. Another was found in a church’s yard exasperated and gasping for air. In one brutal incident, a snowman was dismembered and anally violated with his own nose. Other assaults have occurred but it’s undetermined if the attacks on several local snow angels is the work of the same man.

Meticulous investigations followed each incident, including handwriting analysis that revealed the rapist to be “sensitive, yet secretive, with a fondness for taking long walks on a beach.” But the biggest clue came early this morning, no pun intended. Not only did the BSOT police discover a pair of freshly made boot prints nearby, but inside the snowman’s ‘glory hole’ they also recovered what Kingston calls, “a couple c*nt hairs worth of dead swimmers.”

These DNA samples, along with a further investigation on the boot prints will more than likely identify the man holding all of Broken Springs snow people hostage. Meanwhile the police have encouraged citizens to bring in their snowmen at night and be on the lookout for a suspicious looking man wearing size 11 boots and sporting a stiffy.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Potent and Impotent

The buzz around town is that Slater’s Supermarket is moving to Australia. They’ve already begun to move many of their items off the local shelves. Why Australia? Rumor has it that they are going down ‘under.’ We can only assume their decision has something to do with packaging improvements. The bagboys will no longer ask, “Paper or plastic?” Instead it’ll be, “Kangaroo pouch or alligator bag?”

Be sure to vote in our new weekly poll. If you have any suggestions for future poll questions be sure to email them to

Has anyone seen TC, our recently hired Cougar Columnist? He was last seen a couple days ago walking paw in paw with Lady Lucy (as he called her) down on Lover’s Lane. He’s past deadline and will not answer his cell phone. The idle bugger has probably turned it off, which is strictly against the rules in his contract.

The third chapter of Brokeback Springs is on its way. The author is trying to find inoffensive euphemisms for butt sex. Look for it later this week.

Here is a joke that all Kingston apologists should enjoy:

A Zebra dies and arrives in Heaven. As he enters the Pearly Gates, he asks St. Peter, "Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please, I must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The next time the zebra saw St. Peter, the saint asked him, "Well, did God answer your question?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No, God simply said, ‘you are what you are.‘”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it. You are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra said, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is.’