Wednesday, March 08, 2006

BS Cops Saluted

The Broken Springs Opportunist Club recently recognized three local officers at the First Annual Cop Hop, held in the basement of the Foo King Chinese Restaurant Saturday night. The event, part square dance and part donut social, had as its theme “Officer Dedication to Looking Busy.”

All three officers are from the Broken Springs Police Department, where they work diligently to keep lawbreakers off the streets of Broken Springs and donuts off the shelves of Krispy Kreme. They were selected by community members, local politicians, and Christmas Care Bear donators.

Those honored were: Police Chief Jim Kingston, Deputy Daniel Shame, and patrolman Keith Mauve.

“A gentleman in the streets, but a freak in the station.”

A veteran of the department, Chief Kingston is known for his clown like antics in the office, yet on the job, he’s as serious as the heart attack he isn’t planning to have in a couple years. Off the beat, he’s constantly telling politically incorrect jokes containing hilarious racial slurs, making off the cuff flirtatious remarks around his office staff, and dropping fake spiders in the urinals. Once, he even gave his shy, dedicated secretary a pair of edible panties for a Christmas gag gift, only to have the undergarment (or what was left of them) be discovered by his wife as she emptied out his pockets. “The entire office got a good laugh,” Kingston reminisces with a wry smile, “But Cherry didn’t see the humor. To make it up to her, I had to buy her a thong for her birthday. I wrapped a diamond ring in it just to be on the safe side. Unfortunately she didn't know the ring was in there when she tried the thong on. In retrospect, it's pretty funny. But at the time, let's just say I'm grateful we had a good proctologist.”

Not only is Kingston a cautious forward thinker, as demonstrated above, but he’s also a philanthropist, determined to better the world through his organization’s charitable works that he pawns off to other people. Operation Christmas Care Bear is over a decade old, yet still in its infancy as far as state registration is concerned. Under the leadership of Chief Kingston, this fine charity has collected hundreds to thousands of unaccounted for cash, some of which has even been handed out to the local poor and other eligible citizens. The charity has been second to none in gaining local publicity, usually via newspaper articles about state investigations into its legality. What a clever and cunning strategy this is to attain free advertisement for what is in reality little more than a slush fund. In this way, Chief Kingston has demonstrated himself to be an ingenious entrepreneur.

"Not entirely heartless."

Deputy Daniel Shame, an 8 year veteran on the force whose hair color indicates a much longer period of time, was recognized for his ability to spot a flock of prostitutes from a mile away. No matter where ladies of the evening loiter, Shame has a nose for sniffing out the red light district. He’s also entrapped many of them in the back of his patrol car, and hauled them off to a cold jail cell but not before a bit of complimentary necking that gives the prostitutes a sense of welcome in Broken Springs. Is it any wonder why so many hookers decide to come back to our fair streets, night after night, only to be hauled off to jail time and time again? Surely, Officer Shame has enticed them into appreciating our quaint village, the view of which is beautiful out of his squad car ‘s back window.

"It’s a bird, it’s a plane… nope, it’s too short."

Not only has Shame demonstrated superb people skills, but he also has the highest pull over rate on the department. On any given night, he averages 533 pull overs in an 8 hour shift, half of which are either minors or minorities. And his ticket to pull over ratio is the best among his colleagues. He averages a ticket every 1.45 traffic stops, whether the ticket bearer violated any laws or not. These impressive numbers have earned Shame the nickname Superman within the department. He hands out violations faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than our Mayor’s flatulence after dinner at Taco Bell.

Shame has also taken the initiative to personally hone his target skills at a local private residence in Broken Township, which has improved his aim in case he ever has to fire his gun while on duty. While his extra curricular activities came under much scrutiny by the Police Commission and out of town news reporters, the Broken Springs Opportunists Club presented him with a certificate of achievement for going above and beyond the call of duty. Not everyone would insist on perfecting their skills under their own motivation like Shame continually does.

“Idly protecting”

Patrolman Keith Mauve, known to the force for his incredible Police Academy credentials, was acknowledged for his practicality and pragmatism while on the job. He has set state records for his mile per gallon achievements. On average, his patrol car gets an incredible 52 miles per gallon, which helps offset the budgetary splurges elsewhere. Officer Mauve’s selflessness helps avoid the unnecessary purchase of expensive gasoline, which will assist in the future purchase of tasers and Keno tickets. The secret, Mauve insists, is in the idle. Once on duty, he quickly drives to the Subweigh Sandwich Shop (making sure to obey the speed limits and use his turn signals, of course) where he patrols US 31 from the comforts of his car seat. With last year's Christmas bonus, Mauve purchased a down filled pillow that he insists helps ward off seat sores. Every two hours, he shuts off his car’s engine, thusly conserving even more fuel. If it’s an especially cold Michigan day, he builds a small fire in the passenger seat by rubbing two sticks together, a little trick he learned as a Boy Scout. Mauve’s sense of frugality also helps keep his squad car almost entirely maintenance free, except for the customary breakdowns that one expects from a Chevrolet.

Officer Mauve was also saluted for his gender appreciation in the workplace, most notably demonstrated in his proficiency for putting down the toilet seat in the station's unisex bathroom.

All three officers received certificates of achievements and cop bobbleheads to put on their dashboards to show off their illustrious accomplishments.

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