Monday, March 13, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

The meeting is called to order, despite Jan Chaddwick being nowhere to be found (and trust me, she’s hard to lose). There are fourteen audience members in attendance, sixteen including the editor of the Journalistic Error.

They begin by discussing the bills, which include $825 for radio repairs and $700 for batteries (rechargeable). Ernie Hildecrust asks why batteries are so expensive. The ones his wife buys for her cordless massager only cost five dollars at Walmart. Jim Kingston blames the high battery costs on the state of Michigan.

In old business, Attorney Amnesia has finished his homework by drafting a contract for Rob Fishnet. It includes a loan of $1,000 with 24 months to return it. Or he could just write the department a check and have Chief Kingston take it down to Three Fifths Bank to illegally cash it.

In new business, there was a bomb threat. Apparently some Broken Springer bought an inflatable doll and verbally announced that he planned to “blow it up.” Kingston didn’t say where the threat took place, however NFBS informants have told us that it was on a school bus.

There has also been an increase in fraud and identity thieves lately. Politicians discussing identity theft? I’ll let the reader notice the irony.

Kingston’s priceless quote on the matter of fraud is, “People’s gullibility is unbelievable.” One needn’t look any further than the FOJ populated audience to prove his point.

Apparently we have a crazy person wandering the streets of Broken Springs. She is spreading lies about our gasoline being too highly priced, the fire department not doing its job, and aliens from Uranus inhabiting our quaint village. So now we know where Jan Chaddwick is…

Kingston begins a discussion on a subject he knows very little about, by his own admission: computers. “Not being totally computer literate,” he begins as he goes on to explain that the station needs new computers (presumably to catch up on NFBS articles). Despite the lack of expertise on the Commission (which is full of folks who think a computer byte is something the dog does when he doesn’t have a bone), they fail to ask the advice from the computer experts in the audience, particularly the “Back Row Bandits” (AKA Back Row Bloggers) who are notorious for running anti-establishmentary websites.

But I speak too soon because then Kingston does something I totally agree with, which hasn’t happened since 1974 when he went to a Grateful Dead concert. He proposed using the $1700 in privately donated money for tasers for new computers. Donator Ozzy Osbourne, from State Barn Insurance apparently sees nothing wrong with it because he gave the money to the department to spend as they see fit, which might also include blowing it away on roulette at the Blue Ship.

Bob Frugal makes the motion to displace the funds, and during roll call, the entire commission, including Curly Headed Sandy votes yes. Apparently either Curly Headed Sandy is so lost without Jan that she doesn’t know how to vote, or she’s had a change of heart about the purchase of tasers, which she’d always supported in the past.

Goodbye Tasers!
Hello Pentium 4s!

This news comes after an article from the Journalistic Error a couple weeks ago described how Deputy Daniel Shame was hit with a friendly fire of pepper spray by Reservist Dic Steelhead while they both tried to restrain a 16 year old outlaw during a basketball game. Tasers would’ve prevented the gang that couldn’t shoot straight from being embarrassed by an intoxicated teenager with vulgar language. By the way, if anyone knows the whereabouts of the 16 year old renegade, please ask him to email Shallow Throat to discuss potential employment on our staff.

The Commission received the audit this week, and while Ernie Hildecrust lets everyone look over the booklet, he and Kingston keep exchanging coy smiles. Then I notice, while everyone else is concentrating deeply on the text, Ernie and Jim begin playing footsie under the table.

The audit, by the way, shows that our department is still in the red, despite having passed the millage last year. Total revenue was $605,000 yet they managed to run up $751,000 in expenditures. For those mathematically challenged, this is a difference of nearly $146,000, or in mill speak, a mill and a half. But the good news is they didn’t get in trouble with the auditors this time like they did last time when they told Kingston that OCCC must be completely separated from the Police Department.

Kingston feels obligated to say that the deficit isn’t due to overspending but under funding, particularly because the Township decided not to kick in their share of the tip, and neither did the Village.

Hildecrust gives everyone a few more hours to look over the contents of the audit, at which time the entire audience falls asleep and begins snoring.

Being the only awake one in the room, I look around to observe the surroundings. I happen to notice that Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarslethergo has toilet paper on her shoe, and Gordy Davis has his right hand bandaged up, possibly from an onanism injury. Either that or he’s been fighting with Pete Faygo at Stoppers Restaurant over the last Danish muffin.

They accept the audit and move on to other boring things they don’t wish to discuss.

Concerning the millage, no one wants to talk about it.

Rob Fishnet stands up to say that the Police Academy training is half over and he’s been busy making crib notes for his midterms.

Bob Frugal mentions that the Chief’s Report was interrupted, so he requests the rest of it. But there isn’t a whole lot more to tell, says Kingston because his computer has kicked the bucket, taking a lot of his programs and software with it including all of his mpegs of Girls Gone Wild. He also notes that a lot of the officers have been sick lately.

Curly Headed Sandy adds that Chief Kingston is sick as well, but we already knew that, didn‘t we?.

Meeting adjourned and declared another big waste of time.

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