Tuesday, March 28, 2006

To Jennifer Gonads

Those who earlier threatened me with a lawsuit over these satirical writings have yet to respond to my demand for a public retraction, so I've taken the liberty to respond for them, satirically of course. -st

Dear Ms. Gonads,

Be advised that we are in receipt of yours letter dated March 24, 2006 demanding a retraction (“Demand Retraction Letter“) for what you characterize as “defamatory remarks” made in our original corresponding letter dated March 21, 2006 (“Demand Letter“). It is regretful, although not surprising that as a US Citizen you resort to the now politically defunct Bill of Rights in your defense. Everyone knows that only terrorists demand the rights granted to them by the US Constitution, and since we are currently at war with terrorists, you ought to feel privileged that we sent this letter via Federal Express and not by A-Bomb.

In light of the fact that the Bill of Rights, even if still applicable, does not protect the right to be rude, your impoliteness will only result in the town’s utter disdain for you and anyone who associates with you. Not once in the Demand Retraction Letter did you say please or thank you. Furthermore, you failed to provide definitions for the Latin legal terms you used. We can only assume that when you wrote, “we hereby reject in toto your clients’ latest effort to intimidate us into foregoing our inalienable right to exercise our freedom of speech guaranteed by the First Amendment” you meant that you would not accept Dorothy’s little dog from us. Who do you think you are, the wicked witch of the west?

While my clients welcome the free expression of opinions insofar as they’re in agreement with their own public policies, my clients do not and will never invite public discourses that are juvenile, lewd, witty, clever, and unapologetically sophomoric. Therefore, we can only offer the following retraction in response to your Demand Retraction Letter.

When we suggested that Jennifer Gonads farts a lot and howls at the moon, we were mistaken. We now know that she does not howl at the moon. We apologize for the error.

In light of our now issued retraction, we demand from you a retraction for your Demand Retraction Letter. And if you file a countersuit against us, we will seek sanctions against you for filing a frivolous counter lawsuit. Furthermore we will poke you in the eyes like Moe did to Larry, Curly, and Shemp.

In closing, you should remember what that real satirist Mark Twain once said:

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

We anxiously await you to put on your shoes.

Very truly yours,

V. Skrewem & Howe

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