Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Kingston Appointed Bikini Inspector

The Broken Springs Village Council Monday night passed a new ordinance, just in time for spring that may affect many residents who sunbathe in the village limits. The ordinance, entitled the Public Bikini Act will require all potential sunbathers to have their bathing suits inspected and authorized by the Chief of Police before wearing them out of doors. The suits will be inspected for compliance with community standards which includes proper coverage of one’s cleavage and general good taste in fashion to make sure that no lewd or obscene bikinis harm the eyesight of any 80 something year old neighbors looking out their back windows with binoculars.

The Village Council passed the ordinance by a 5-2 vote, with Mike Cinderellagrass, Will Duster, Curly Headed Sandy, and the Chaddwick husband-wife duo voting in favor, and Bill Pezdispensor and Peter Faygo voting against the resolution.

Police Chief Kingston, present in the audience, suggested the new ordinance after he gave a detailed account of the many complaints the BSOT Police had received in years past. “More and more people are calling in to report partial nudity and obscene behavior by their neighbors. It’s indecent. Worse than Larry Flynt,” said the Hustler subscriber who was once sued for sexual harassment. The moral Chief then went on to read a typical report to the council.

Sunday. 8 PM
Complaintent (Name withheld): My neighbor’s bikini just slipped off and her left nipple is exposed.
Dispatcher: What is the crime you’re reporting, sir?
Complaintent: It’s indecent. What if my grandkids were visiting?
Dispatcher: Where are you, sir?
Complaintent: In my backyard, leaning my head over the fence.
Dispatcher: Why are you leaning over the fence?
Complaintent: Can’t see, otherwise.
Dispatcher: What’s your complaint, sir?
Complaintent: Her other tit just flopped out. She’s naked as a jaybird now.
Dispatcher: There’s no law against sunbathing, sir. I’m sorry.
Complaintent: So am I. It’s getting dark and I won’t be able to see much longer.

After reading aloud this report, after the gasps from the blushing Village Council, Kingston proposed a resolution to avoid similar incidents this spring and summer. He offered to volunteer his time to inspect all bathing suits to make sure they meet community standards.

Village President Jan Chaddwick thanked the Chief and encouraged the Council to accept his offer. “Not just anyone would volunteer for such a daunting task,” said Chaddwick. “The fact that he’s offered to do it for free speaks volumes about his character and it’s just frosting on the cake,” added the President as she brought around the conversation to her area of expertise.

During the discussion which ensued, Peter Faygo explained why he intended to vote against the measure. “This is just another way of expanding the blight ordinance. If these bikinis are unsightly or if the women wearing them have cottage cheese thighs, what’s to stop Daniel Shame from citing them for violating the litter and debris code?”

But others disagreed. “Everyone has a right to wear a bikini, but nobody has a right to wear little more than dental floss covering their genital regions. Not in our quaint little village,“ said councilwoman Steven Chaddwick.

Resident Lonna Jackson, frequent sunbather, said she’d be happy to have her bikini inspected by the Chief because she trusts him with the law in his hands, and if the rumors are true, not only the law. "You shouldn’t be scared if you don’t have anything to cover up,” said the women with two things that jump out at you that probably should stay covered up.

Others in the crowd added their support of the popular Chief. “Sunbathing is a privilege, not a right,” said Village Attorney and our local editoress’s brother in law, Fred DeFrankfurter. “So we have every right to regulate it as we see fit.”

Asked by an audience member only known as Troublemaker Boob if he'll inspect male bathing suits, Kingston answered, “For that they’re gonna have to pay me.”

The following ordinance passed resoundingly.

Public Bikini Act

WHEREAS, the Village of Broken Springs has been plagued by skimpy bathing suits in years past and
WHEREAS, the Village is opposed to the open and shameless display of said bathing suits ,
NOW, THEREFORE, the Village adopts the following ordinance:

1. Before sunbathing within the Village limits, a female citizen must first have their bathing suit thoroughly inspected by a qualified obscenity officer (Chief Kingston) to determine if said bathing suit can be deemed suitable, of proper size, color, and tightness.

2. The suit will be subject to inspection at the will of said officer, in a location and time of his choosing.

3. Officer can and should request to see the bathing suit worn by said person.

4. Once it’s passed inspection, the suit will be licensed (tagged) and is able to be worn without penalty in the Village limits for one (1) year, at which time it will need to be re-inspected for its license renewal.

5. Failure to adhere to these inspections will result in a forfeiture of the said bathing suit and a forfeiture of the right to sunbathe ever again in Broken Springs.

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