Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Highlights and lowlights from the Broken County Youth Fair 2011

If you missed the fair this year, fret not, dear reader. Just remember back to last year, or the year before, and it was much of the same thing. Only this year all the kids were wearing strange Mohawk wigs in bright colors.

Either I am getting old and my taste buds are going, or the Enemies of Broken Springs have cheapened up on their Korn dog batter. The first four I ate were doughy and the next four were much better, but still not as good as I remember them from years past. If you’re in line for a Korn dog, your best bet is to buy something to eat while you wait in line. Because you know by the time you get your Korn dog, you’ll be hungry again. I wonder if they’ve ever thought of pulling their building further off the street so their long lines don’t block the traffic? Either that or just make Korn dogs faster! Can’t they have them mass imported from China or something? They’re already China Cheap, at $1.50 a dog.

The political booths were boring again this year, as it’s not an election year. The Demoncrats only had petitions to sign to recall Governor Snider and State Rep Al Psychola, not counting some goofy girl juggling jaw breakers and painting on bottle caps (that was me). The Republicon booth… er I mean building always seems so detached from the real people walking the street in front of them. I always want to yell something at them but I’m afraid they won’t be able to hear me from all the way back in the cavernous building. The closest I get to the GOP fair week is when I order an elephant ear. Tuesday night the Grand Ole Party closed up before ten o’clock which must be all those old farts bedtimes.

Speaking of Republicons, the circus was enjoyable, or so I hear. And the Country singer Luke Bryan sounded half way decent tonight. For a country singer, that is. Too bad all the fair has left to showcase is washed up Blue Collar Comedian Bill Engvall. Could be worse, though. Could be Larry the Cable Guy.

For the first time ever, I didn’t venture into the Commercial Buildings, which means one of several things: I won’t be winning a new patio. I missed out on getting a free plastic baby fetus made in China from the Pro-life nutters, and because I didn’t signup for any Broken County church mailing lists, my salvation is still very much in jeopardy. The only thing the commercial buildings had that I was remotely interested in were the History booths… the Courthouse Museum selling those wonderful books by Robert C. Myers, and the House of David booth with the old bearded man who never speaks. Oh, and the APA pool table, of course. But I knew if I started playing pool, I’d never want to quit. My offer to play for someone else’s fast rack tee shirt is again open for bids. Facebook me.

As always is the case at the Broken County Youth Fair, the goats stole the show. Here, one was trying to give me a kiss. Either that or he wanted to lick the elephant ear off my lips.

This one was trying to break into a black tool box to steal God only knows what. I think the goat’s name was Freddie Mac.

These two content faces just reminded me of Jim and Sherri, for some reason.

And this guy, chewing on a piece of straw just reminded me of Huck Finn.

But by far the cutest goat at all the fair was this 9 day old pygmy. He couldn’t have been much bigger than my Chihuahua, and for several brief moments I considered slipping him under my shirt and sneaking him right out of there. But that would’ve been baaaaahhhhhd. So I just let him stay there and look cute.

Monday, May 02, 2011

How Obama Has Failed Us by Killing Osama bin Laden

Dear Editor,

How dare President Obama kill the #1 wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden! This wreckless behavior further illustrates Barack Hussein Obama’s utter disregard for America and our domestic problems. Need I remind everyone that gas here has skyrocketed to over $4 a gallon while the oil companies are claiming record profits and our nation’s unemployment rate is still 8.8%, which is nearly as high as it was when our last great President Ronald Reagan slept in the Oval Office. Killing the most wanted man on the face of the earth doesn’t make my gas any cheaper, my buddy Obama. Nor does it put any food on my family, as former President (and true Patriot) George W. Bush might say.

Why the liberal media is fawning over their favorite President since that Socialist FDR shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Obviously they love his because he’s black and he plays basketball. They don’t call it March Madness for nothing. Only now perhaps it should be renamed May Madness. But why the liberal US media ignores the obvious facts to anyone with half a brain is the real puzzle. Obama’s killing of Osama has put America in real jeopardy for further terror attacks. Terror experts have now warned us to brace for retaliatory attacks from Al Qaida. Hello? Tell me this doesn’t prove that Obama is the Anti-American Kenyan born Muslim Anti-Christ! Wake up America and smell the gasoline!

Dick Commando

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Snow: It's What's For Dinner !

A slippery look at the advantages and disadvantages of snow, an amended Letter to the Editor which ran in last week’s Herald Republican…

Snow gets such a bad rap all the time. But have you ever considered its good qualities? Consider:

Snow covers garbage bins, and makes them look artistic. It also freezes them shut for months. That means no scavengers can get at your spoiled milk and used condoms. But there’s only so much room under your kitchen sink.

You can have the roads all to yourself. You just can’t travel over 20 mph to get somewhere. And when you get where you’re going, it’s closed for snow.

The athlete next door can’t bounce his basketball beside your bedroom window. Instead, he’s inside stealing your wifi and hacking into your bank account.

Your kids can build a snowman and pose beside it hor holiday cards (Go heavy on the U of M sports caps and a blue and yellow shovel.) Because, after all, only those dumb enough to root for U of M would be outside in such atrocious weather.

Some large dogs, like Great Danes, don’t object to pulling sleds. And some small dogs, like your neighbor’s yappy Chihuahua can easily get lost in a snow drift with a gentle, helpful nudge.

If you drop a cupcake in a snowdrift, it can be defrosted and edible in April. Also, alcohol doesn’t freeze. Unplug the fridge, save some energy, and make your backyard a frozen buffet.

You can leave your Christmas wreath on your front door until Easter. Same goes for your Christmas lights if you were pathetic enough to put them up to begin with.

In New York City there were so many piles of snow there are no places to put bags of garbage. Southwest Michigan has a splendid “no snow days” pick up system for the trash companies. The smell of garbage is a known aphrodisiac.

St. Joe provides so much work for snow plow owners, they can vacation in Florida in March and April. Unfortunately when they get to Florida they’ll find snow down there too.

Walgreens has shelves full of pain killing ointment for shovelers. That is if you can get to Walgreens and if they’re not closed for the snow.

You may feel superior to anyone living far from the Great Lakes who doesn’t know what “lake effect anything” means. This useless knowledge can be filed right between who invented the Frisbee and why people have eyebrows in your encyclopedia of knowledge.

In the Book of Crazilations, it states: “Verily my brethren, honor the snow for in the summer it makes the Welch’s grapes to grow.” If, however, you don’t eat grapes, screw the snow.

Snow melts.
Then floods.
Swimming burns calories.

Inspired by Norma Smith