Thursday, February 24, 2011

Snow: It's What's For Dinner !

A slippery look at the advantages and disadvantages of snow, an amended Letter to the Editor which ran in last week’s Herald Republican…

Snow gets such a bad rap all the time. But have you ever considered its good qualities? Consider:

Snow covers garbage bins, and makes them look artistic. It also freezes them shut for months. That means no scavengers can get at your spoiled milk and used condoms. But there’s only so much room under your kitchen sink.

You can have the roads all to yourself. You just can’t travel over 20 mph to get somewhere. And when you get where you’re going, it’s closed for snow.

The athlete next door can’t bounce his basketball beside your bedroom window. Instead, he’s inside stealing your wifi and hacking into your bank account.

Your kids can build a snowman and pose beside it hor holiday cards (Go heavy on the U of M sports caps and a blue and yellow shovel.) Because, after all, only those dumb enough to root for U of M would be outside in such atrocious weather.

Some large dogs, like Great Danes, don’t object to pulling sleds. And some small dogs, like your neighbor’s yappy Chihuahua can easily get lost in a snow drift with a gentle, helpful nudge.

If you drop a cupcake in a snowdrift, it can be defrosted and edible in April. Also, alcohol doesn’t freeze. Unplug the fridge, save some energy, and make your backyard a frozen buffet.

You can leave your Christmas wreath on your front door until Easter. Same goes for your Christmas lights if you were pathetic enough to put them up to begin with.

In New York City there were so many piles of snow there are no places to put bags of garbage. Southwest Michigan has a splendid “no snow days” pick up system for the trash companies. The smell of garbage is a known aphrodisiac.

St. Joe provides so much work for snow plow owners, they can vacation in Florida in March and April. Unfortunately when they get to Florida they’ll find snow down there too.

Walgreens has shelves full of pain killing ointment for shovelers. That is if you can get to Walgreens and if they’re not closed for the snow.

You may feel superior to anyone living far from the Great Lakes who doesn’t know what “lake effect anything” means. This useless knowledge can be filed right between who invented the Frisbee and why people have eyebrows in your encyclopedia of knowledge.

In the Book of Crazilations, it states: “Verily my brethren, honor the snow for in the summer it makes the Welch’s grapes to grow.” If, however, you don’t eat grapes, screw the snow.

Snow melts.
Then floods.
Swimming burns calories.

Inspired by Norma Smith

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