Gay Duck Porn Found on Phil Robertson's Hard Drive

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson may not condone human homosexuality, but a recent reveal of the contents of his personal computer exposes his fascination with homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom, particularly in the duck species.

The hacker group Anonymous recently unveiled the Dynasty star's peccadillo for unconventional forms of sex after the controversial star came under fire for comparing human homosexuals to drunkards, terrorists, and prostitutes.

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," he told the magazine GQ about the decline of America. "Don't be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won't inherit the kingdom of God.”

But it seems, judging from his personal hard drive, same-sex duck fornicators get a pass for the Pearly Gates.

Phil Robertson, Duck Commander

Found on his hard drive were pictures of male ducks getting their duck dynasty on, as well as several heterosexual “Rape Flight” images of males ducks mounting females in mid-flight. Also included was a short video ripped from Youtube of a duck engaging in necrophilia with another duck (whose sex remains unknown). Scientists insist that homosexual behavior isn't rare amongst animal species, and is actually quite common among ducks and other birds. Such fascination with duck sex, however, remains an oddity among our human species.

Several people close to Robertson have also made allegations that he enjoys mounting ducks, but friends insists that he only mounts animals for taxidermy purposes and that no other hanky panky occurs.

In response to this most recent outing, Robertson excused the content of his computer as “market research and case studies into the nature of ducks so that we can make better duck calls.” He added, “That's what's wrong with our society. Everyone is so quick to judge and assume the worst.”

Several others have come to his defense.

One of several images found

“I don't have any right to judge Phil if he gets his jollies from watching sex documentaries on Animal Planet. Duck Dynasty is still a very funny show,” said a female DD fan sporting pink camouflage in the local Bass Pro Shop. “Personally I think he would prefer a duck's vagina to its anus, but that's his call, not mine.”

“Phil shouldn't be punished for exercising his right to freedom of speech,” said Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who once called his own Republican party the 'stupid party.' “He has a right

to believe whatever hateful things he wishes. Seriously what did A&E expect to come out of his gray bearded lips? Rainbows and tolerance?”

Kiddie duck porn

Another friend of Robertson, Sarah Palin, who has been filmed shooting wolves from a helicopter, and pressuring a local librarian on the issue of banning books, called A&E's decision to suspend Robertson from Duck Dynasty shameful because, “free speech is an endangered species.”

Meanwhile, Duck Dynasty's future on A&E looks bleak. The cast of the show is unanimously supporting Robertson as it considers an offer from the FOX News Network.

Orthodox Jewish School Expels 7th Grader Who Can't Grow Beard

An Orthodox Jewish School in West Florida has expelled a 12-year-old student for not adhering to part of the school's dress code dealing with grooming. Nathan O'Malley attends Hebrew Jr. High in Pensacola, Florida. According to reports, O'Malley was asked to leave school on Monday after numerous warnings that he had not conformed to the school's code on facial hair. According to the school's disciplinary handbook, all males twelve-years-old or older must grow out their facial hair, or at the very least, some stubble. According to school tradition, the facial hair code is based on Leviticus 19:27, which states, "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."

O'Malley insists that he's not purposely disobeying the code because he's tried to grow facial hair on several occassions.  But the best he's been able to muster so far is a couple of patchy red blotches that more resemble an old fox with the mange than a beard and moustache. On the few occasions he'd gone to school in such a state, he's been bullied so bad that he's chosen to shave what feeble stubble he can grow. Counselors insist that O'Malley, as a pre-teen with adolescent pre-pubescent hormones of Irish descent, will probably not be able to grow a full beard until he's at least 16-years-old. But administrators and school board officials at the strict Jewish school haven't the patience to wait that long.

New NSA Allegations Surround Facebook Number Game

You may have noticed a recent Facebook game on your newsfeed lately where friends assign each other numbers to reveal not so random facts about each other. It may have seemed harmless enough admitting that your favorite food is chocolate or that you usually watch Duck Dynasty in the nude, but new allegations are coming forth about the game being linked to the Obama Administration and the NSA's secret wiretapping scandal.

Senator and part-time unlicensed dentist, Rand Paul of Kentucky was the first to make such allegations on the Senate floor this past Friday. He claims to have read several documents online regarding the link between the social media craze and the National Security Agency, particularly many articles from Wikipedia he plans to plagiarize at a later date.

“The American people should always be vigilant against its over-reaching government, snooping into your private affairs,” he told the media, right after voting against an anti-discrimination workplace measure. “Again, the Obama Administration is acting on behalf of only themselves and tricking people into relinquishing private information on Facebook,” said the Senator whose own list included his now not-so secret desire to someday own a lawn jockey, and his fondness for squirrels.

So far both the Obama Administration and the NSA have denied allegations that they are data mining the numbers game on Facebook, but a recent FOIA request has documented several thousand log in attempts to Facebook from the Oval Office this month alone The President insists his recent surge in connectivity is merely due to his recent addiction to Candy Crush. “And Michelle,” he added, “She can't get enough of Grumpy Cat.” Asked whether or not the Affordable Care Act's addled website, Healthcare.gov has anything to do with how much time the Commander in Chief spends online, Obama only shrugged and said, “Cut me some slack! The last guy in here was still using a dot matrix printer.”

Government officials insist that the recent arrest of terrorist Abdullah Sam Alrah, shortly after he posted his list on Facebook is a mere coincidence. His #2 was about a designer suicide vest he recently bought from Hugo Boss.

Only time (and endless Congressional hearings) will tell whether or not Facebook's innocent and harmless number game is really so innocent and harmless. But in the meantime users may wish to be a little less social in social media. Either that or just keep playing the giraffe game.

Overpass for Impeachment Collapses

Karma struck on the I-5 Interstate in Carlsbad, California yesterday when one of the “Overpasses for Impeachment” collapsed, sending 12 people to the hospital. According to federal databases, the freeway overpass had recently been graded “functionally obsolete” but still legally safe to drive on from the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) as recently as September 2009.

According to local sources, the overpass gave way at approximately 5 o'clock in the afternoon, during the highway's busiest time of day, crashing into the freeway beneath it and backing up traffic for hours. The overpass had become notorious for being one of several “Overpasses for Impeachment” across the nation, displaying large signs expressing disagreement with the Obama administration for scandals such as Benghazi, the NSA wiretapping, and the Obama's decision to get another dog. Many of those signs could still be seen after the collapse.

Tea Party protestor and author of many of the signs had this to say about the accident: “It's clear to me that this travesty is a sign from the Almighty that Obama does not belong in the White House. If this doesn't say that God is on our side, nothing does.”

Several onlookers were shocked and expressed disappointment at the scene.

“I'm not saying that the President had direct involvement in this disaster, but I have to wonder why he's sending our money to the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt instead of using it on our crumbling bridges and overpasses,” said Charlotte Summers, who was traveling beneath the bridge when it collapsed. She was treated and released for head injuries.

In fact, the American Society of Civil Engineers have recently given the country a D grade for the condition of our transportation infrastructure, recommending that $3.6 trillion in investment is needed by the year 2020. But so far President Obama has failed to delegate that kind of spending, unable to convince Congress to pay the bills it already has, let alone rack up new ones. The last federal spending on infrastructure occurred in 2009 as part of the Stimulus package. Obama's Jobs bill would have delegated another $50 billion for infrastructure, but it stalled via Republican filibuster in the U.S. Senate late last year.

“Again he fails us,” says former Obama voter Reed Stevens, as he rehangs his 'We've reached Barack Bottom' sign on part of the bridge still upright. “I really wish he'd look out for the will of the people instead of going on vacation all the time.”

Congressional Representative for Carlsbad, Duncan D. Hunter (R), could not be reached for comment, as Congress just began a five week recess.

Broken County Youth Fair

What's up with all the kids pictures in this week's Urinal Era? Didn't any adults patronize the fair?

Haha