Friday, September 30, 2005

BSPD Turn Over Wrong Video Tape

It was a simple FOIA request. Bonii Didjaseedat and the Herald Republican asked for the squad car video tape from Daniel Shame’s entire shift on Thursday, September 1st. But when they viewed the tape, it was nothing they expected.

“A mistake was made,” explained Chief Kingston. “Somehow the tape got mixed up with some other of Daniel Shame’s tapes, apparently from his secret porn video collection. It was an innocent mistake. Okay well, not so innocent. But Shame has been verbally reprimanded. It will not happen again.”

The tape in question, a copy of Volume 81 of Girls Gone Wild: the AU Campus Edition, was accidentally turned over to the news media after allegations that Officer Shame was playing for 2 ½ hours while on duty and out of his jurisdiction.

“I expected to see a tape of bows and arrows. Instead, all I saw were boobies and poon-tang,” said a village resident who attended a five dollar public showing of the tape. “Two thumbs up!” he added. “Well worth the price of admission, can’t wait for the sequel.”

Police Department defenders believe the tape exonerates the Chief and his favorite subordinate. “Clearly, the tape does not show Daniel Shame practicing archery out of his jurisdiction,” said the Chief’s father in law and order, Merle Boreman. “In fact, I don’t remember seeing Daniel in the tape at all, unless he’s grown his hair long, lost a lot of weight, and bought breast implants.”

“Well, he did recently get a 3% pay raise,” we told him.

“Wait, let me put on my spectacles,” he said while we showed him the copy sent to NFBS. When he put them on, he immediately fainted and therefore had no further comment.

“This just goes to show you what utter contempt our Police Department has for the law they’ve sworn to uphold,” said Ms. Didjaseedat. “I don’t want to think about what Shame was upholding as he watched this video.”

Another Freedom of Information request has been made by Didjaseedat, as well as by the HP and several horny teenage boys that attend both our public and private schools. Ms. Bonii and the HP have requested a copy of the real tape, while the horny boys have put in a request for the rest of Shame’s private video collection, particularly anything he might have starring Jenna Jameson.

No word yet on whether the BSOT Police will cooperate with these further requests. But since Sex and the City has ended, we can only hope that all requests will be met with open legs… er, we mean arms.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Let he who is without stone cast the first sin

Dear Editor,

I have lived in Broken Springs for 86 years, 3 months, 12 days, 7 hours, 16 minutes and 36 seconds, no wait… make that 38 seconds. Dag nab it, I mean 40 seconds, err… did I say 40 seconds, I meant 46 seconds… oh to heck with it!

During that long period of time, I have witnessed many of Chief Kingston’s missionary projects, particularly around Christmas when he likes to pass around his Yule Log. I have seen our community, on bended knees, honor him for his volunteerism, sometimes doubled over in gratitude that he so deserves.

I have visited schools and casinos with him as the keynote speaker, year after year. I’ve watched as he’s told graduates they’d all end up in his jail and driver’s ed students that he’d probably end up scraping their intestines off the streets. He has inspired the young to live happy, successful, and drug free lives. Yet, in this so called Christian community, He is not as fully appreciated as He ought to be. Our own Chief Kingston, whose humble disposition results in His going to church regularly, has been a victim of mudslinging, animosity, and utter contempt from those people who really ought to be Jewish. How displeased HE (and by HE I mean of course Andy Rooney) must be by our hypocritical words and Dreidels.

Surely we all make mistakes and commit the same crimes we have sworn to uphold. We are all sinners. Augustin, unlike Chief Jim, knew temptation. He loved women, wine and song, and all the special pleasures of doing something wrong. You’ll never make a saint of me.

Even Andy Rooney is a sinner. So let us do what we do best (that is, write very illogical letters to the editor) while we let the police run the doughnut shop. Let us quit throwing stones, and start Rolling Stones because they’re the only group with a lead singer older than I am.

Knobhead Nuevo

Monday, September 26, 2005

The Straight and Arrow

Dear Concerned Citizens of Broken Springs,

So much has been made over my recent rendevous in Broken Township, I have decided to set the record straight once and for all.

Several weeks ago I pulled over a young woman whose blatent ignorance of law and order resulted in her receiving a ticket for having an air freshener obstruct her vision. As I scribbled the ticket, she reached toward my bicep and commented on my extremely toned and bulging muscle. At least I think she was talking about my arm. I told her that my muscular figure was not God given and that I worked out vigorously while on the job (wrestling fleeing perps and disobediant drug dogs) and she asked me if I ever shot any archery. Well, the closest to that I've ever done is flinging some darts down at the Coyote Watering Hole on nights when I'm getting soused. But I told her I was a prize archerist who's won the nickname "William Tell" around the department. It was then she invited me over to her brother's house on Strange Line Road, on the condition that I rip up her ticket, which I promptly did after she told me that her brother would not be home and we could have the place to ourselves.

It was then, concerned citizens, that I made my first error in judgment. Rather than drive to my house, exchange vehicles and change clothes as I normally do when such situations arise, I drove my squad car directly out to this young woman's brother's house at approximately six o'clock that evening. It is true that I didn't return to the Village of Broken Springs until approximately 8:30 but only because I was on an emergency call from this same young woman who attempted to lead me astray. In fact, had I not been around, it's a good possibility that this young woman (who wanted to lead me astray) would've bled to death. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After arriving at the residence, I was led to the backyard which was an archerist's dream come true. On every tree there was a painted target and leaning up against the side of the house was a row of expensive, top of the line high powered bow and arrows.

You understand that I was still there on police business, to inquire whether this target range was safe and legal and all the weapons were registered with the state of Michigan.

After kicking back six or seven Coronas, which were only consumed to ease the suspicions of the young woman about to lead me astray, I tested out each and every weapon on the premises. Unfortunately in testing them out I accidently lodged an arrow in the tire of my squad car, which took a half hour to change while inebriated.

I was getting on rather well with this woman about to lead me astray, so well in fact that she made a pass at me while I bent over to change my tire. She tried blaming her brother's dog but I knew it wasn't a dog's nose that grabbed my tight butt. As the former canine handler for BSOT Police, I could remember what a canine nose feels like between the folds of my tight buttocks.

It was at this time that she proclaimed her undying love for me and began stripping right there on the spot. Flattered as I was, I was also very disgusted by this immoral behavior because the young woman trying to lead me astray looked much better clothed. I ordered her, as an officer of the law, to put her clothes back on before I arrested her for public indecency (not to mention a violation of the blight ordinance which I've sworn to uphold) but she continued to disrobe until she was stark raving naked and running through the backyard like a crazed lunatic. I chased her around, in an attempt to restrain and clothe her myself but the little minx must've rolled herself in butter while she was inside getting the beers, so she kept slipping out of my strong and usually able grip.

She finally negotiated with me by placing an apple on her head, telling me that if I could hit the apple with an arrow, she would fully comply with my orders.

It was then I made my second error in judgment, Broken Springers.

Distracted by the sight of her breasts, my aim was so off, I accidently lodged the arrow in her cooch. She yelped out in pain as I ran to her side. She was bleeding heavily so I wrapped up the wound with the pantleg of my police uniform, as I quickly swept her up in my arms. I immediately rushed her to the emergency room at the nearest hospital, in Niles. Hospital staffers will back this story because they'll never be able to forget the sight of a man with no pants carrying in a naked lady with an arrow in her cooch. She received four stitches and will never be able to birth children, but I sat by her bedside for an hour after he procedure to make sure she was all right and unwilling to press charges. Then I returned to Broken Springs at approximately 8:30 that evening.

So you see, ladies and gentleman, I was not loafing while on duty like some citizens have claimed. Quite the contrary, I was investigating possible weapon violations and then saving the life of the young woman which was nearly taken by those weapons. When Chief Jim viewed the squad car video tape of the incident, he promptly erased all of the sensitive material because in the wrong hands he said the tape could be used against the department. When he refuses to let others see the tape, he's doing so to protect the young woman who nearly led me astray, not to protect me because I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I think I deserve a medal, but I'll settle for a raise instead.

Daniel Shame

Monday, September 19, 2005

Grand Opening, Sausage Links, and the Missing Link

Broken Springs celebrated the grand opening of Haybreak Café today. Owner Fred Dustbin purchased the business after many years following his ownership of Jack Frost before it was torn down and replaced by another friendly little small town business, Rite Aid Pharmacy.

I decided to venture down to Haybreak in the hopes of gathering some journalistic fodder on the new talk of the town. Also because I was hungry as hell and growing an immunity to McDonald‘s double cheeseburgers. Upon entering the building, the first difference I noticed was that the waitress was more fully dressed than the last time I was in there and she didn’t have an armful of infants. I chose to sit in a booth, from where I could watch the dangerous Mechanic and Ferry Street intersection. The Nascar fan in me cannot be suppressed. In the course of my meal, I noted three obvious traffic infractions: one left handed turn at the top of the hill, a car going straight in a right turn only lane, and a car parked in a no parking zone. And as luck would have it, not a cop in sight because they’re only visible around 2 AM when the bars are letting out. Determined to not let the idiocy of Broken Springs driving ruin my dinner, I decided to draw the curtains and resolve myself to the latest blowjob with words edition of the Journalistic Error. In an article detailing the shenanigans of patrolman Daniel Shame, the editor of the Error coincidently forgot to include the alleged officer’s name, yet miraculously remembered his name while reporting on the praise he was given by his boss, Jim Kingston.

I couldn’t help but to notice the irony of the situation. The Haybreak Café is where Kingston used the infamous N word a decade ago, while dining with another officer and the fire chief of the time. These memories induced a sick feeling within me and suddenly I had very little appetite for my scrambled egg, hash browns, and sausage links doused in maple syrup.

That’s not to say that the food was bad, however. It was very tasty, and served very quickly. Yet, the table beside me ordered a taco salad that looked utterly delectable and I found myself gazing at it like a hungry puppy as I wolfed down my evening breakfast. I was unaware just how often I was gazing upon the other guy’s taco salad until he caught me staring and I gave him an embarrassed wave. Next thing I know, he’s walking over to my table as I licked the syrup off my last sausage link.

His name was Chris, and the poor boy had misinterpreted my tactless ogling. I was wearing a ballcap, dirty jeans, the same tee shirt I’d slept in, and absolutely no undergarments of any kind, yet I was asked out by an out of towner with a delicious looking dish. Almost embarrassed because I had not even brushed my teeth, I succinctly told him that I have a boyfriend, but thanked him anyway. I might’ve even offered him a night out on the town had he not suspiciously looked like Darwin’s Missing Link. I could’ve taken him to see the night life of Broken Springs, but I don’t know what we would’ve done for the other 4 hours of the date. I regret that he’ll never see the Broken Springs water tower under a moonlit sky, or sail on Lake Chopin while the September wind nips at his neck hair. But oh well. My interest in him didn’t reach beyond the ground beef, tomatoes, and lettuce on his plate.

All in all, I recommend the fine dining of Haybreak Café. But it’s better to leave your wandering eyes at home. If not, they are sure to ruin your meal, one way or another.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

By the Hair on Her Chinny Chin Chin...

After being called a bald faced liar by the Chief of Police, Broken Springs resident Bonii Dydjaseedat has began growing a beard and mustache. Chief Jim Kingston called Ms. Dydjaseedat a liar after she accused his golden boy, Patrolman Daniel Shame of being gone for two and a half hours while sharpening his archery skills in Broken Township while he was still on duty.

“I’m personally offended by this accusation,“ whimpered the Chief, choking back tears. “Patrolman Shame was gone for no more than 34 minutes, and I have the tapes to prove it,” said Kingston at this week’s Police Commission meeting.

“I wonder what kind of tapes he means? Duct tapes? Scotch tapes? He certainly can’t mean police video tapes, as those are conveniently out of service except when they coincidently back up a cop’s story,” said Ms. Dydjaseedat.

Kingston clarified that he was indeed referring to the squad car’s video tape, which recorded exactly 34 minutes of Shame’s playful exploits with a bow and arrow. An uncensored version of the tape has found its way onto the internet with the clever title, “Daniel Shame Screwing the People of Broken Springs.” Bonii insists the tapes were doctored and says the proof is in the pudding.

“I’ve downloaded the tape, and there’s no way Shame’s arrow is that big,” she told NFBS as she scratched at her five o’clock shadow.

“Why the beard and moustache?” we asked her.

“Simple. By growing facial hair, I will be proving Kingston to be a bold faced liar when he called me a bald faced liar,” she answered as she twirled her finger around her handlebar moustache.

“Also it will serve as a disguise for when I stalk the cops,” she added with a smile.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

Everyone who didn’t attend Monday’s Police Commission Meeting ought to be kicking themselves about now. Boy was it a juicy one. And by juicy I mean of course volatile and controversial.

Jan Chaddwick represented the Village in a pink dress and blue surf shoes.
Chief Jim’s tie looked as if it was snipped from his kitchen’s tablecloth.

Ernie Hildecrust walked in fashionably late and out of breath, which begs the question: what was he doing and do I really want to know?

The Commission began by poring over next year’s budget and Jan commented about the Miscellaneous category being high. Chief Jim explained that the Misc. category is mainly for things like batteries, film, polaroids, film developing, paper for the copy machine which the officers use to xerox their... uh, police reports, yeah their police reports.

Mayor Jan complained about not getting a pension. If she did, I’m sure she’d be able to afford laces for her shoes.

It was, like all the months before it, an extremely busy month for our brave and loyal police officers. Many officers received overtime, including Daniel Shame, who practically lived at the fair for the entire week. This loyalty and dedication is appreciated, as I’m sure it cut into his target practice time.

Officer Shame, according to Kingston, has his ‘fingertips on things.” No one is here to argue otherwise, but we are curious as to what specifically he’s had his fingertips on, for how long, how often, and does he wash his hands afterwards?

It was then I noticed that Curly headed Sandy had forgotten to take the lens cap off her video camera.

Proving that Jim Kingston is a flaming right winger (sorry TB), he took a cheap shot at our governor because she is trying to conserve money, something Blue Chip Jim knows nothing about.

It cost seven thousand dollars to clean the cop’s uniforms, which begs several questions:
Just how many jelly doughnuts are they eating?
Don’t most cops still live with their moms and if so, couldn’t their moms wash them for nothing?
Doesn’t Dawn take out skid marks?
And if skid marks are an issue, shouldn’t we discourage our respectable officers of the law from going commando?

Ernie, energized by whatever extracurricular activity he was doing until 7:01 PM, recommended that we go back to having three police vehicles instead of five.

In a panic, Chief Jim quickly changed the topic of conversation and asked the commission if little Danny can have another puppy.

No, said daddy Hildecrust, because he didn’t take care of the last one. He never got up in the middle of the night to let it out. He was constantly sniffing crotches and humping guest‘s legs (the dog, that is). And that time when he got hooked up with the neighbor’s Siamese was just downright embarrassing.

A fellow commissioner asked about the benefits of a dog, and Kingston named several, none of which included:

The department no longer needs its dishwasher or garbage disposal.
Officer Shame occasionally gets a good licking.
The roses outside the Police station benefit from the doggie doo fertilizer.
Not to mention the small fact that the police dog chases many cats up trees, thereby keeping the pesky fire department away from accident scenes and out of official police business.

Jim’s actual response was, “You can’t beat a good dog,” which we’d hazard to guess is not what Officer Shame would say.

Jan said Shame told her that the dog served as a detergent, which makes me wonder why it cost so much to clean the officers’ uniforms.

Bob Frugal commented that the dog would need its own vehicle, not to mention the cost of putting the dog through driver’s ed and you know how insurance costs are crazy for young dogs. Perhaps Jim’s brother could cut us a deal.

A spectator then commented that the commission ought to investigate the treatment of the last dog before obtaining another one. According to her, the dog was both mentally and physically abused. It was kept in a 3x5 cage, was improperly fed, and it was forced to watch constant reruns of Friends on TBS.

Considering all these factors, the commission shot down the request for acquiring a new drug dog. No word yet on whether or not the Commission will allow the department to obtain a police cat.

In order to further tighten the budget, Chairman Ernie also brought up the fact that we’ve often had four police cars on duty at one time, and he even showed pipes of steal by bringing up the complaint made when three of our four cars were seen at a local restaurant.

Chief Jim went on the defensive faster than the looters found shoes in New Orleans.

During this time, Mayor Jan Chaddwick was as silent as Monica in Clinton’s Oval Office.

Bob Frugal said that it was their job as commissioners to keep expenses in line with the budget. He also admitted that the sky looked very blue today.

Curly headed Sandy admitted that despite her being on the police commission, she is “not a police expert.” In other news, the grass is green.

The commission, with about as much flair as a fourth of July parade in England, decided to keep working on the budget.

A new crossing guard was hired after the last one was run over by a bus driver from Ladelaw. No wait, that’s not funny. Well, maybe it is a little.

There was something about Officers Mauve and Kork wrestling a very slippery suspect. Unfortunately I missed the explanation of why the suspect was slippery because I was too busy trying to picture Officers Kork and Mauve wrestling. My fantasies involved mud and thongs and several pints of tequila.

There was an embezzling case at Anthony’s University, which goes to show you that some ‘Seventh Day Adventurers’ will steal more than just your soul.

Some high profile thugs, aged 6 through 9, were caught vandalizing a church’s playground. They were sent home to their parents and promptly disciplined by being sent to bed without dessert. They are petitioning the ACLU for improper treatment.

Several troublemakers in the audience asked why police are at the football games. Chief Jim explained that their presence is for crowd control, forgetting for the moment that Broken Springs football games never have crowds. He then switched his excuse to ‘their presence is preventive.” No one suggested using cardboard cutouts of Broken Springs finest.

Ernie, in his third display of masculinity of the evening (prompted only by what we can now assume was a very invigorating lap dance shortly before the meeting) brought up the situation where an officer was caught hunting something other than criminals while on duty in Broken Township. He asked the Chief what actions had been taken against the officer in question and Jim assured him that the matter had been dealt with because the officer was “verbally reprimanded.”

Ernie suggested more discipline, and recommended a two day suspension.
I personally recommend a pair of sharp stilettos and a whip. But for the sake of staying on topic, let’s stick to Ernie’s recommendation.

Jan and Sandy almost erupted out of their undersized chairs, during which time Sandy insinuated that the crowd knew more about the situation than she did, which was probably true.

The Commission agreed to discuss the matter in a closed session, which meant that everyone was going to be up past their bedtimes.

Troublemaker and local bad speller Bonii Dydjaseedat brought up the fact that Shame also got away with a past hunting trip behind Primart and also objected to Jim’s allegation that Shame was only target practicing for no more than 34 minutes. Chief Jim responded with, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

Ernie, on a roll now, like the Irish against the Wolverines, made it clear that he doesn't ever want to hear about any ‘litter and debris code enforcing’ occurring during police officer hours. Officer Zsa zsa kowski assured him that he and Officer Shame’s new job will in no way interfere with their duties as police officers. In other news, there is some excellent swamp land for sale in Florida.

The meeting then went into closed session, at which time Ernie politely said to all of us in the audience, “Get out.”

So we loitered around the parking lot and peeked in the window to see if Chief Jim would ever shut up during the closed session. We made several wishes for Jim’s previous playtoy, the Bionic Ear.

When the meeting continued in public, Ernie Hildecrust informed everyone that it had been a hung jury. No decision could be reached without first consulting the attorneys. Officer Shame, for the time being at least, had escaped with a pat on the back and a slap on the wrist.

The meeting was adjourned when several commission members were heard snoring out loud.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Potent and Impotent...

Greetings and salutations fellow BSers, from your favorite editor, Shallow Throat and the illustrious staff of 30 (fingers) at NFBS.

This is a new column we’ve decided to add occasionally in order to editorialize the news. Also because we can’t think of anything else to write. It will be a brief randomization of bits and pieces that cannot fit in regular columns.

There is a new BS Blog upon the horizon, written by our friend and cohort, Troublemaker Bob.

Lots of readers write in asking about the origins of the name ‘Shallow Throat.' I nicked it from a local homemade movie entitled Betty Sue Does Broken Springs. In the movie, ‘Shallow Throat’ was a nickname her daddy gave her.

Many days ago I decided to take all the profits (ha!) from my amazon ads and donate them to the Katrina Relief funds. I am doing this in lieu of paying off those pesky subscription bills that a friendly reader sent my way. Thank you, friendly reader! I am enjoying my subscriptions to Motor Home and Brides magazine. In fact, I am thinking of starting my own magazine. It will be a combination of Motor Home and Brides and I think I’ll call it Shotgun Weddings. All the brides will be at least three months pregnant and the grooms will all sport mullets.

Sources tell us that Strange Line Grocery recently installed a Drive Thru. I’ve been by there a few times and as far as I can tell, they must be planning a grand opening of some sort, during which time they’ll reveal their new drive thru from beneath that spiffy looking blue tarp.

Informants reveal that over the weekend, Mrs. Daniel Shame was seen camping with her dog. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that the creature in question was actually slightly taller than a dog. Some have speculated that it might’ve actually been her husband but since the creature was not carrying a bow while in uniform, I cannot comment any further at this time. Except to say cut the man some slack already. We should all be on our knees showing our gratitude. It’s a RUFF life being a cop.

Which reminds me of a joke sent in by a reader.

James and Dan meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Dan has a his pet dog with him. On the next green when Dan holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
James is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??"
"Somersaults? How many can he do?”
Dan thinks for a minute. "Depends on how hard I kick him!”

Until next time,
Always remember, shallow waters run still.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Kingston Appointed Community Horticulturist

Village of Broken Springs President Jan Chaddwick announced that Broken Springs/Onoyoko Township Police Chief Jim Kingston has been appointed as the Village Horticulturist at the latest Village Council meeting. The announcement was timed to coincide with the “Rally for Kingston” at the new Broken Springs Sportzplatz (formerly the Broken Springs Public School’s football field), which was recently renovated by Allan Spear of Nuremberg, Germany.

“Kingston has spent much of his spare time helping the Village in maintaining the beauty of our landscape, and thus has acquired the knowledge necessary to be named to this new position,” stated Chaddwick. “Some may question whether or not Kingston will have the time to handle these positions, but I can assure you that Kingston is more than capable of handling many different positions in the same day!"

Kingston, when interviewed by this reporter, stated that “I believe that this new opening was made for me to fill. I have filled many openings in our community, and I hope that this new position will provide me with the stimulation that many of my past positions have provided for me.”

Chaddwick stated her belief that, “Kingston will provide a green thumb to his blue chip capabilities” in this new position.“I personally cannot think of anyone else who is more capable at spreading fertilizer around our community. Jim’s skill at fertilizing is unmatched in our community. I understand that he is particularly adept at fertilizing Roses, providing offspring that will grow within our community for a long time!”

As usual, resident loudmouth/naysayer Troublemaker Bob decried the latest reward offered to Kingston. “The Village Council has, once again, rewarded Kingston for his abhorrent behavior. It is symptomatic of the Machiavellian tendencies of Jan Chaddwick that she would attempt to elevate Kingston to a position that will bring out his latent psychological inner-Id to an exterior level of Peter Principle failure.” Chaddwick, when asked to respond to Bob’s latest statement, reached for a dictionary while muttering something about “over-educated a**holes”.

Kingston will launch a new fertilization project, “When my wife leaves town for her annual Clerk’s meeting far, far away. I will be spreading seed around town like a man possessed until she returns,” stated Kingston.

Chaddwick has already given Kingston the task of caring for a particularly troublesome bush at the Chaddwick home. “I am confident that Kingston can handle this bush; he’s fertilized and trimmed it several times already,” stated Chaddwick, “and there’s no doubt that he can satisfy my needs for my bush as he has many others within our community.”