Monday, September 12, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

Everyone who didn’t attend Monday’s Police Commission Meeting ought to be kicking themselves about now. Boy was it a juicy one. And by juicy I mean of course volatile and controversial.

Jan Chaddwick represented the Village in a pink dress and blue surf shoes.
Chief Jim’s tie looked as if it was snipped from his kitchen’s tablecloth.

Ernie Hildecrust walked in fashionably late and out of breath, which begs the question: what was he doing and do I really want to know?

The Commission began by poring over next year’s budget and Jan commented about the Miscellaneous category being high. Chief Jim explained that the Misc. category is mainly for things like batteries, film, polaroids, film developing, paper for the copy machine which the officers use to xerox their... uh, police reports, yeah their police reports.

Mayor Jan complained about not getting a pension. If she did, I’m sure she’d be able to afford laces for her shoes.

It was, like all the months before it, an extremely busy month for our brave and loyal police officers. Many officers received overtime, including Daniel Shame, who practically lived at the fair for the entire week. This loyalty and dedication is appreciated, as I’m sure it cut into his target practice time.

Officer Shame, according to Kingston, has his ‘fingertips on things.” No one is here to argue otherwise, but we are curious as to what specifically he’s had his fingertips on, for how long, how often, and does he wash his hands afterwards?

It was then I noticed that Curly headed Sandy had forgotten to take the lens cap off her video camera.

Proving that Jim Kingston is a flaming right winger (sorry TB), he took a cheap shot at our governor because she is trying to conserve money, something Blue Chip Jim knows nothing about.

It cost seven thousand dollars to clean the cop’s uniforms, which begs several questions:
Just how many jelly doughnuts are they eating?
Don’t most cops still live with their moms and if so, couldn’t their moms wash them for nothing?
Doesn’t Dawn take out skid marks?
And if skid marks are an issue, shouldn’t we discourage our respectable officers of the law from going commando?

Ernie, energized by whatever extracurricular activity he was doing until 7:01 PM, recommended that we go back to having three police vehicles instead of five.

In a panic, Chief Jim quickly changed the topic of conversation and asked the commission if little Danny can have another puppy.

No, said daddy Hildecrust, because he didn’t take care of the last one. He never got up in the middle of the night to let it out. He was constantly sniffing crotches and humping guest‘s legs (the dog, that is). And that time when he got hooked up with the neighbor’s Siamese was just downright embarrassing.

A fellow commissioner asked about the benefits of a dog, and Kingston named several, none of which included:

The department no longer needs its dishwasher or garbage disposal.
Officer Shame occasionally gets a good licking.
The roses outside the Police station benefit from the doggie doo fertilizer.
Not to mention the small fact that the police dog chases many cats up trees, thereby keeping the pesky fire department away from accident scenes and out of official police business.

Jim’s actual response was, “You can’t beat a good dog,” which we’d hazard to guess is not what Officer Shame would say.

Jan said Shame told her that the dog served as a detergent, which makes me wonder why it cost so much to clean the officers’ uniforms.

Bob Frugal commented that the dog would need its own vehicle, not to mention the cost of putting the dog through driver’s ed and you know how insurance costs are crazy for young dogs. Perhaps Jim’s brother could cut us a deal.

A spectator then commented that the commission ought to investigate the treatment of the last dog before obtaining another one. According to her, the dog was both mentally and physically abused. It was kept in a 3x5 cage, was improperly fed, and it was forced to watch constant reruns of Friends on TBS.

Considering all these factors, the commission shot down the request for acquiring a new drug dog. No word yet on whether or not the Commission will allow the department to obtain a police cat.

In order to further tighten the budget, Chairman Ernie also brought up the fact that we’ve often had four police cars on duty at one time, and he even showed pipes of steal by bringing up the complaint made when three of our four cars were seen at a local restaurant.

Chief Jim went on the defensive faster than the looters found shoes in New Orleans.

During this time, Mayor Jan Chaddwick was as silent as Monica in Clinton’s Oval Office.

Bob Frugal said that it was their job as commissioners to keep expenses in line with the budget. He also admitted that the sky looked very blue today.

Curly headed Sandy admitted that despite her being on the police commission, she is “not a police expert.” In other news, the grass is green.

The commission, with about as much flair as a fourth of July parade in England, decided to keep working on the budget.

A new crossing guard was hired after the last one was run over by a bus driver from Ladelaw. No wait, that’s not funny. Well, maybe it is a little.

There was something about Officers Mauve and Kork wrestling a very slippery suspect. Unfortunately I missed the explanation of why the suspect was slippery because I was too busy trying to picture Officers Kork and Mauve wrestling. My fantasies involved mud and thongs and several pints of tequila.

There was an embezzling case at Anthony’s University, which goes to show you that some ‘Seventh Day Adventurers’ will steal more than just your soul.

Some high profile thugs, aged 6 through 9, were caught vandalizing a church’s playground. They were sent home to their parents and promptly disciplined by being sent to bed without dessert. They are petitioning the ACLU for improper treatment.

Several troublemakers in the audience asked why police are at the football games. Chief Jim explained that their presence is for crowd control, forgetting for the moment that Broken Springs football games never have crowds. He then switched his excuse to ‘their presence is preventive.” No one suggested using cardboard cutouts of Broken Springs finest.

Ernie, in his third display of masculinity of the evening (prompted only by what we can now assume was a very invigorating lap dance shortly before the meeting) brought up the situation where an officer was caught hunting something other than criminals while on duty in Broken Township. He asked the Chief what actions had been taken against the officer in question and Jim assured him that the matter had been dealt with because the officer was “verbally reprimanded.”

Ernie suggested more discipline, and recommended a two day suspension.
I personally recommend a pair of sharp stilettos and a whip. But for the sake of staying on topic, let’s stick to Ernie’s recommendation.

Jan and Sandy almost erupted out of their undersized chairs, during which time Sandy insinuated that the crowd knew more about the situation than she did, which was probably true.

The Commission agreed to discuss the matter in a closed session, which meant that everyone was going to be up past their bedtimes.

Troublemaker and local bad speller Bonii Dydjaseedat brought up the fact that Shame also got away with a past hunting trip behind Primart and also objected to Jim’s allegation that Shame was only target practicing for no more than 34 minutes. Chief Jim responded with, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

Ernie, on a roll now, like the Irish against the Wolverines, made it clear that he doesn't ever want to hear about any ‘litter and debris code enforcing’ occurring during police officer hours. Officer Zsa zsa kowski assured him that he and Officer Shame’s new job will in no way interfere with their duties as police officers. In other news, there is some excellent swamp land for sale in Florida.

The meeting then went into closed session, at which time Ernie politely said to all of us in the audience, “Get out.”

So we loitered around the parking lot and peeked in the window to see if Chief Jim would ever shut up during the closed session. We made several wishes for Jim’s previous playtoy, the Bionic Ear.

When the meeting continued in public, Ernie Hildecrust informed everyone that it had been a hung jury. No decision could be reached without first consulting the attorneys. Officer Shame, for the time being at least, had escaped with a pat on the back and a slap on the wrist.

The meeting was adjourned when several commission members were heard snoring out loud.

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