Let he who is without stone cast the first sin

Dear Editor,

I have lived in Broken Springs for 86 years, 3 months, 12 days, 7 hours, 16 minutes and 36 seconds, no wait… make that 38 seconds. Dag nab it, I mean 40 seconds, err… did I say 40 seconds, I meant 46 seconds… oh to heck with it!

During that long period of time, I have witnessed many of Chief Kingston’s missionary projects, particularly around Christmas when he likes to pass around his Yule Log. I have seen our community, on bended knees, honor him for his volunteerism, sometimes doubled over in gratitude that he so deserves.

I have visited schools and casinos with him as the keynote speaker, year after year. I’ve watched as he’s told graduates they’d all end up in his jail and driver’s ed students that he’d probably end up scraping their intestines off the streets. He has inspired the young to live happy, successful, and drug free lives. Yet, in this so called Christian community, He is not as fully appreciated as He ought to be. Our own Chief Kingston, whose humble disposition results in His going to church regularly, has been a victim of mudslinging, animosity, and utter contempt from those people who really ought to be Jewish. How displeased HE (and by HE I mean of course Andy Rooney) must be by our hypocritical words and Dreidels.

Surely we all make mistakes and commit the same crimes we have sworn to uphold. We are all sinners. Augustin, unlike Chief Jim, knew temptation. He loved women, wine and song, and all the special pleasures of doing something wrong. You’ll never make a saint of me.

Even Andy Rooney is a sinner. So let us do what we do best (that is, write very illogical letters to the editor) while we let the police run the doughnut shop. Let us quit throwing stones, and start Rolling Stones because they’re the only group with a lead singer older than I am.

Knobhead Nuevo