Thursday, September 01, 2005

Kingston Appointed Community Horticulturist

Village of Broken Springs President Jan Chaddwick announced that Broken Springs/Onoyoko Township Police Chief Jim Kingston has been appointed as the Village Horticulturist at the latest Village Council meeting. The announcement was timed to coincide with the “Rally for Kingston” at the new Broken Springs Sportzplatz (formerly the Broken Springs Public School’s football field), which was recently renovated by Allan Spear of Nuremberg, Germany.

“Kingston has spent much of his spare time helping the Village in maintaining the beauty of our landscape, and thus has acquired the knowledge necessary to be named to this new position,” stated Chaddwick. “Some may question whether or not Kingston will have the time to handle these positions, but I can assure you that Kingston is more than capable of handling many different positions in the same day!"

Kingston, when interviewed by this reporter, stated that “I believe that this new opening was made for me to fill. I have filled many openings in our community, and I hope that this new position will provide me with the stimulation that many of my past positions have provided for me.”

Chaddwick stated her belief that, “Kingston will provide a green thumb to his blue chip capabilities” in this new position.“I personally cannot think of anyone else who is more capable at spreading fertilizer around our community. Jim’s skill at fertilizing is unmatched in our community. I understand that he is particularly adept at fertilizing Roses, providing offspring that will grow within our community for a long time!”

As usual, resident loudmouth/naysayer Troublemaker Bob decried the latest reward offered to Kingston. “The Village Council has, once again, rewarded Kingston for his abhorrent behavior. It is symptomatic of the Machiavellian tendencies of Jan Chaddwick that she would attempt to elevate Kingston to a position that will bring out his latent psychological inner-Id to an exterior level of Peter Principle failure.” Chaddwick, when asked to respond to Bob’s latest statement, reached for a dictionary while muttering something about “over-educated a**holes”.

Kingston will launch a new fertilization project, “When my wife leaves town for her annual Clerk’s meeting far, far away. I will be spreading seed around town like a man possessed until she returns,” stated Kingston.

Chaddwick has already given Kingston the task of caring for a particularly troublesome bush at the Chaddwick home. “I am confident that Kingston can handle this bush; he’s fertilized and trimmed it several times already,” stated Chaddwick, “and there’s no doubt that he can satisfy my needs for my bush as he has many others within our community.”


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