Monday, September 26, 2005

The Straight and Arrow

Dear Concerned Citizens of Broken Springs,

So much has been made over my recent rendevous in Broken Township, I have decided to set the record straight once and for all.

Several weeks ago I pulled over a young woman whose blatent ignorance of law and order resulted in her receiving a ticket for having an air freshener obstruct her vision. As I scribbled the ticket, she reached toward my bicep and commented on my extremely toned and bulging muscle. At least I think she was talking about my arm. I told her that my muscular figure was not God given and that I worked out vigorously while on the job (wrestling fleeing perps and disobediant drug dogs) and she asked me if I ever shot any archery. Well, the closest to that I've ever done is flinging some darts down at the Coyote Watering Hole on nights when I'm getting soused. But I told her I was a prize archerist who's won the nickname "William Tell" around the department. It was then she invited me over to her brother's house on Strange Line Road, on the condition that I rip up her ticket, which I promptly did after she told me that her brother would not be home and we could have the place to ourselves.

It was then, concerned citizens, that I made my first error in judgment. Rather than drive to my house, exchange vehicles and change clothes as I normally do when such situations arise, I drove my squad car directly out to this young woman's brother's house at approximately six o'clock that evening. It is true that I didn't return to the Village of Broken Springs until approximately 8:30 but only because I was on an emergency call from this same young woman who attempted to lead me astray. In fact, had I not been around, it's a good possibility that this young woman (who wanted to lead me astray) would've bled to death. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After arriving at the residence, I was led to the backyard which was an archerist's dream come true. On every tree there was a painted target and leaning up against the side of the house was a row of expensive, top of the line high powered bow and arrows.

You understand that I was still there on police business, to inquire whether this target range was safe and legal and all the weapons were registered with the state of Michigan.

After kicking back six or seven Coronas, which were only consumed to ease the suspicions of the young woman about to lead me astray, I tested out each and every weapon on the premises. Unfortunately in testing them out I accidently lodged an arrow in the tire of my squad car, which took a half hour to change while inebriated.

I was getting on rather well with this woman about to lead me astray, so well in fact that she made a pass at me while I bent over to change my tire. She tried blaming her brother's dog but I knew it wasn't a dog's nose that grabbed my tight butt. As the former canine handler for BSOT Police, I could remember what a canine nose feels like between the folds of my tight buttocks.

It was at this time that she proclaimed her undying love for me and began stripping right there on the spot. Flattered as I was, I was also very disgusted by this immoral behavior because the young woman trying to lead me astray looked much better clothed. I ordered her, as an officer of the law, to put her clothes back on before I arrested her for public indecency (not to mention a violation of the blight ordinance which I've sworn to uphold) but she continued to disrobe until she was stark raving naked and running through the backyard like a crazed lunatic. I chased her around, in an attempt to restrain and clothe her myself but the little minx must've rolled herself in butter while she was inside getting the beers, so she kept slipping out of my strong and usually able grip.

She finally negotiated with me by placing an apple on her head, telling me that if I could hit the apple with an arrow, she would fully comply with my orders.

It was then I made my second error in judgment, Broken Springers.

Distracted by the sight of her breasts, my aim was so off, I accidently lodged the arrow in her cooch. She yelped out in pain as I ran to her side. She was bleeding heavily so I wrapped up the wound with the pantleg of my police uniform, as I quickly swept her up in my arms. I immediately rushed her to the emergency room at the nearest hospital, in Niles. Hospital staffers will back this story because they'll never be able to forget the sight of a man with no pants carrying in a naked lady with an arrow in her cooch. She received four stitches and will never be able to birth children, but I sat by her bedside for an hour after he procedure to make sure she was all right and unwilling to press charges. Then I returned to Broken Springs at approximately 8:30 that evening.

So you see, ladies and gentleman, I was not loafing while on duty like some citizens have claimed. Quite the contrary, I was investigating possible weapon violations and then saving the life of the young woman which was nearly taken by those weapons. When Chief Jim viewed the squad car video tape of the incident, he promptly erased all of the sensitive material because in the wrong hands he said the tape could be used against the department. When he refuses to let others see the tape, he's doing so to protect the young woman who nearly led me astray, not to protect me because I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I think I deserve a medal, but I'll settle for a raise instead.

Daniel Shame

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