Thursday, April 12, 2012

God Misses Again: Santorum Drops Out

So far this primary election cycle God Almighty is 0 for 4 in His picks for a Republican Presidential nominee. The latest victim to God’s A-Rod like numbers is former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. This afternoon Santorum officially suspended his campaign, citing personal reasons, namely that he can no longer stop crying himself to sleep each night.

Before Santorum, or Frothy, as he is more intimately known, God struck out swinging with Governor of Texas Rick Perry, Minnesota Representative and Tea Party Darling Michele Bachmann, and Pizza enteprenuer Herman Cain. To add salt to His wounds, Santorum’s premature withdrawal has all but assured that the Republican nominee for President will be Mitt Romney, a Mormon.

God could not be reached for comment, but His spokesperson, St. Peter, issued this statement to the press: “Obviously He is very disappointed, but God is used to being disappointed with humanity. There is still one self proclaimed Christian in the Republican race, but let’s be honest here… He would rather vote for the black guy than a guy named Newt who divorced his wife while she died of cancer.”

Asked if God was then officially endorsing Barack Obama for re-election, St. Peter said that God was still undecided, but that He “liked Obamacare” because it reminded him of what His son tried to do while on Earth.

Meanwhile Mitt Romney reminded God of his Romneycare in a speech today in Washington. “I’d like to give a shout out to the man upstairs,” he said, pointing to the Heavens. “I was for socialized medicine before socialized medicine was cool. Despite that, I still support its repeal,” at which time a loud crash of thunder echoed from the clouds and Romney was forced to run for cover.