Thursday, September 27, 2007

Monday, September 17, 2007

Potent and Impotent

How's everyone? I've been busy trying to find something to write about but so far the pickings are slim. Apparently the decision to make Officer Mort Allgay Interim Police Chief was the worst possible scenario for the future of this particular publication. He's kept the department in tip top shape, which is a pity for our subscribers because now we're forced to bribe people with chocolate to come to this website.

As you may have noticed, we did run a story in which we referred to the Police Chief still as Jimmy Kingston. The truth is we will probably continue to do so, only because we find Kingston to be a much more colorful fellow than Allgay. So in the fictional Broken Springs, we like to think - as some of our FOJ friends already do - that Jim Kingston will always be Chief to us.

I'm so glad that the Streetscrape Project was completed, as promised, before the start of the fair one month ago. I've almost forgotten what color those orange barrels were that littered our town.

Three cheers for Streetscrape! Did former Mayor Jan Chaddwich have a wonderful idea or what? The weeds in the median give our quaint little village a prairie look. The medians narrowed our roads so that anything wider than a motorcycle cannot pass through. And those bump outs...! Won't those be the perfect speed bumps for Adventist drivers speeding through town and rolling through our stop signs? The generic looking street lamps look like they've come straight out of a knockoff Norman Rockwell painting. And the clincher... as if all that were not enough... is the backwards facing benches. Tell me, have you ever seen anything more... well, backwards? All the other towns are sure to get jealous and imitate us, at which point, we can simply flip the benches around and be the only normal town in Broken County. What a genius idea. I dunno about you but I'd much rather watch a man with a beard full of scrambled eggs eat breakfast than watch the dozens of cars speeding past to get out of our God forsaken town as fast as they can.

Three cheers for Jan Chaddwich's Streetscrape Project! Why we didn't spend $800,000 of our hard earned tax dollars sooner to tear up our streets and detour traffic for half a year is beyond me.

There is good news in Broken Township, where Daniel Shame still reigns as Garbarge Cop, defending our streets against litter and debris, which threaten our very existence. The biggest problem Broken Township has to worry about is litter and debris on private property owners land. Even an automobile repair shop was cited for their unrunning vehicles. Are you kidding? Next thing you know, they'll be citing a junk man for his junk. Oh wait, they've already done that. When it comes to ugliness that is litter and debris, I say what's the use of hiding it? It's like an 80 year old getting a face lift.

If the inside is rotten, why pretend the outside isn't?

Some of you may remember the Jeremiah story about the man who loved his daughter so much he couldn't keep his hands off her. I'm happy to report that Jeremiah, despite passing the lie detector test Jim Kingston arranged for him, is behind bars and no longer a threat to little Kaylee.

Perhaps there is justice in the world after all.

Until next time, downward and in a spiral....

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Child Destroyed by Police after Biting Dog

A labrador retriever was bitten by a 12-year-old boy running loose around the Broken County Fairgrounds Sunday, according to Police Chief Jim Kingston.

Police were called after the incident sent the retriever to Lakeview Pet Hospital in Niles. The dog sustained several injuries to his front legs and one ear was pulled longer than the other.

The vet talked with Officer Mike Lundgren and told him that the child should be immediately located and tested for rabies. Otherwise the dog was going to have to be put on a series of painful shots and medications that were by no means, according to Dr. Jerry Affe, “a walk in the park.” Police then scoped the neighborhood until they spotted the boy swinging in the park near the school. The child was then humanely put down with two bullets between the eyes.

“It’s unforgivable to let your children run loose,” said Chief Kingston. “Not only is it inconsiderate but it’s also against the law,” he added, citing a Village resolution passed last year requiring all children thirteen years old and younger to be kept on a leash at all times unless they’re kept inside a locked house.

Unauthorized negligence of youngsters has posed a public nuisance in the past in the quaint little village of Broken Springs with incidents ranging from teachers’ houses being tee-pee-ed to paintball pranks. But this is the first time in Broken Springs history when a child’s mischief has resulted in his own demise.

“Who knows what those little critters are carrying around,” justified Chief Kingston, referring to the children. “They’ve been known to carry infectious diseases and harmful insects all in our houses and schools. It’s a wonder any of us survive daily contact with them.”

The child in question has so far gone unclaimed. Because he was not wearing tags, even the boy’s name is a mystery. If anyone knows anything about the identification of the child, the department would appreciate knowing so they can properly bill the boy’s family for funeral and burial costs.